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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents of children who are in childcare would like to see them more often?

1008 replies

tori32 · 21/02/2008 21:46

I CM and have several sets of parents who finish work early on many occasions who never collect their child early. I know I am paid and it does not bother me in the slightest to look after them for their agreed hours, I just feel sorry for the child because they are missing out on this extra time with parents who work full time.

I was a working mum for 3 months (as in not CM) but always collected dd early when I finished early because I wanted to spend time with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
orangina · 22/02/2008 15:53

fgs, what is it with constantly judging peoples choices? I absolutely must NOT come on these bloody AIBU threads, pushes my blood pressure up, will now require lengthy spa holiday without children to recover. flounce.

hatrick · 22/02/2008 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

viggoswife · 22/02/2008 15:55

Yes probably was that one as I read it about 2 years ago. I go on holiday to be with my kids and being a SAHM or a WOHM would make no difference to that. Would not want to try and second guess what other parents do or dont do or their reasons for it. Am pretty comfortable with my choices re my kids. I do sometimes think though that some parents put their own choices and priorities before that of their kids and then shout very loudly about their "rights" as parents. Do what you want to do. If you feel comfortable with your choices then thats all that matters surely? Why do we all need to try and persuade each other that our way is right?

doggiesayswoof · 22/02/2008 15:55

lol oblomov at misty-eyed reminiscences of pyjama party

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 15:56

I'd hate my childminder to think she was better than me just 'cos she stays at home all day. That's her choice, just as going out of the home is my choice.

She already made a comment to me a few weeks ago about a woman who works out of the home feeling guilty for not spending time with her child... saying she had no such guilt as she is there every time her dd needs her

chelsygirl · 22/02/2008 15:57

good post viggoswife

Oblomov · 22/02/2008 15:57

MI moi ? nnnnnaaaaahhhhh ! Too busy shoving greggs and employing kiddi-clubbers, to even bother looking into his mournful eyes

motherinferior · 22/02/2008 15:58

Viggoswife, perhaps you should stop claiming that you're not judging, and come out with it?

I personally feel I have rights as a person, and that my undoubted love for my children does not negate that. But hey, you do it your 24/7 way.

viggoswife · 22/02/2008 15:59

cornsilk, I am with my kids all day long and I dont every really get that stressed with them and certainly never get bored. When they go away to their grand parents I am champing at the bit to get them back. I just enjoy being with them and would find it hard being away from them all day so I know that getting them back early would be a real treat for me. Luckily it is not a choice I have to make.

beaniesteve · 22/02/2008 15:59

How do you know they have finished early?

hatwoman · 22/02/2008 16:00

how utterly utterly depressing this thread has turned out. As a non-judgy type I tend to assume that people who do things differently are also likely to be non-judgmental. And I've never quite bought into the argument that SAHM's tend to be more judgey than WOHMs. From this thread I can only conclude that I'm wrong. In fact, now I think about it, on the whole of mn xenia is about the only wohm who is actually critical of sahms. no wohm or cm-using mum on this thread has criticised the choices of sahms. yet from the other side I have seen some of the most sanctimonious holier-than-thou shite ever.

2shoes · 22/02/2008 16:03

hatwoman i object to your post. I have posed in defence working parents. Please don't tar all us sahm with the same brush. I for one understand leaving your child with a carer as dd goes to respite.

Page62 · 22/02/2008 16:06

Is this thread still going?

I can't be bothered to read it anymore but I am curious if somebody has already nominated the OP to the CM/Parent/ Superwoman of the year award -- . There also seem to be others vying for the crown.

i will go home tonight, look into my DC's eyes and aspire to your lofty standards. Mumsnet clearly full of shitty parents like myself. Will drown my apparent guilt with wine when i go out with DH tonight.

GASP, maybe we should buy a double buggy and put our DCs in there so we can take them with us so we can watch them breathe as they sleep It would be a right shame to miss it for something silly like "time for ourselves".

hatwoman · 22/02/2008 16:08

sorry 2shoes - I did mean to say that there are sahms (certainly all the ones I know in rl) that aren't judgey. but I forgot to in my despair.

but - it's fair to say that are are sahms on this thread that are very judgey, and - by contrast - there are no wohms being judgey. (apart from being judgey for being judgey ).

anyway - sorry - didn;t mean to tar all sahms with the same brush

hatrick · 22/02/2008 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alfiesbabe · 22/02/2008 16:08

Erm... apart from being downright offensive, isnt it just a teensy bit hypocritical of a CM to take money off parents if she judges them to be wrong to be leaving their kids in childcare . Surely the correct thing to do if you hold these extremist views is to stop doing any childminding immediately. Of course, that would mean no income so they might have to go get a job.......

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 16:10

viggoswife... don't you ever aspire to, I dunno.... more?

Even your name.. you are someone's wife

You champ at the bit to have your kids home again, do they define you?

Don't you just want to be you for a bit? If you keep doing this you will have a big empty hole and an unfulfilled life when they leave home.

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 16:12

alfiesbabe, i asked that very same question twice, and got no response...

viggoswife · 22/02/2008 16:12

Thank you motherinferior, I will, but do I detect a whiff of judgement in your doing it my '24/7 way' comment? What do you want me to come out with? Why are you trying to force an opinion or judgement out of me? Why are you so strenuously wanting to justify your choices? If you are comfortable with them then surely anything I or anyone else thinks or feels shouldnt matter to you.

hatwoman · 22/02/2008 16:15

vw - people are strenuously justifying their choices because their choices are being attacked. human nature.

NiceTry · 22/02/2008 16:15

Gosh is this still going on? Shouldn't you all be picking your kids up early from the childminders? Methinks you all protest too much, why all this anger? If someone said I was wrong for wanting to spend all my time with my kids I would not get angry just agree to disagree but if I say you are wrong for not wanting to - all this rage!!(why if you are totally secure in your childcare arrangements, are there some niggling doubts out there?)

To answer the original post YANBU but to be fair I know several childminders and would not leave my kids with any of them - nothing to do with them, just me, I want to raise my own kids thanks. Also please let me assure you that every nursery in this country will have parent slagging off sessions amongst some of it's staff - just as any school will.

If you have to work reluctantly for financial reasons and use childcare then I sympathise with you but your kids will adjust because I am sure you will rush back as soon as is humanly possible to make up for time spent apart (through desire not guilt). If however, you chose to work for 'you' while your kids are tiny then I sympathise with your children.

To quote Steve Biddulph in 'The Secrets of Happy Children'
'In short, my belief is that, except in those cases of parents who are seriously impaired or genuinely incapable of raising their own children, young children are always better off being cared for by someone who loves them. Professionalism of staff and richness of surroundings, while important, don't touch on the question of love. Young children's bodies can be kept safe and their minds occupied, but their deeper, more subtle needs cannot be met except by someone with a fierce, long-term commitment to them. This is not something you can buy.'

viggoswife · 22/02/2008 16:18

WallofSilence I was about to launch into a list of my achievements but then I read over your post again and thought what a horrible, unneccessary and ignorant post, why would I need to justify myself to such an unpleasant person? My goodness this thread really is a fine example of quite how awful women can be to each other isnt it? Next..........

hatwoman · 22/02/2008 16:19

let's all bow down to Steve. If he says it it must be true.

NT - If I started a thread criticising sahms for spending too much time with their los do you seriously think it would be less angry than this one?

It's almost tempting...

WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 16:20

How is what I have said, unpleasant?

I simply asked, don't you want more?

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 16:20

if only life was as simple as choosing to work......

if you have worked hard for a degree or worked you up the career ladder, not going back after you have a baby, or taking a 5 year career break can leave you at the bottom again...

bills and mortgages have to be paid, even when children are small

life is not that easy , choices about how we parent, are so personal, and no-one likes their choices roundly criticised especially not by a child care provider

and i have no axe to grind as a SAHM who works sporadically...

that is all very well for steve biddulph et al., but when i had to go back to work when DS was 6 months old, as i had to pay the bills, and had no nearby family to look after him, i put him in nursery rather than have my house repossessed. am fairly sure steve biddulph would not have picked up my bills for my DSs formative years

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