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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents of children who are in childcare would like to see them more often?

1008 replies

tori32 · 21/02/2008 21:46

I CM and have several sets of parents who finish work early on many occasions who never collect their child early. I know I am paid and it does not bother me in the slightest to look after them for their agreed hours, I just feel sorry for the child because they are missing out on this extra time with parents who work full time.

I was a working mum for 3 months (as in not CM) but always collected dd early when I finished early because I wanted to spend time with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 22/02/2008 14:34

Tori you are self satisfied and smug

You know nothing of my life and the life of your mindee's parents

Give it a rest love

Oblomov · 22/02/2008 14:34

If you don't need any 'me' time at all tori. well then good for you.
I think you are in a minority.
I give, give , give and consider ds and dh all the time. I very very infequently take time for just ME.
And I am certianly not going to justify that to anyone, ESPECIALLY not you !

LoveMyGirls · 22/02/2008 14:35

Oblomov - I'm allowed to say I don't understand, I didn't say it was right or not - not for me to judge.

For eg... I don't understand parents who smoke in their houses or cars with their children when everyone knows the risks of passive smoking.

I don't understand alot of things and I'm human not a robot so I do have my own views on things.

Everyone can sit back and say it's unfair to judge but I think everyone judges others at times even without realising that's what you are doing etc etc

I'm sure I do things that would shock some people like my children going on holiday with their gp's because I can't afford to take them and while my own dc are away I shall still be working caring for other peoples children, a lot of people would have something to say about that BUT i'm doing it because i love my children and don't want them to miss out on experiences just because I can't afford to provide it.

Feel free to judge me if you like I know I'm doing the best I can and my family and the famillies I work with are all happy.

Blast away

RubySlippers · 22/02/2008 14:36

i NEED me time (i hate that phrase but it is apt)

i think it is a rare person that would happily turn down the chance for a childfree hour or two to read a book in peace or finish a cup of tea

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 14:36

i posted a question a lot lower down this thread, tori, about why you worked as a CM , which facilitates parents spending less time with their children than you think is acceptable?

i think there needs to be a differentiation between parents who cannot be arsed, and those who want to make time for themselves, so they can be better parents

RubySlippers · 22/02/2008 14:37

lulu summed it up very well IMVHO

jellybeans · 22/02/2008 14:41

Not read whole thread but I don't think you are being unreasonable to think that (Though alot of people will disagree). I often think it too about one or two people I know. A relative of mine works f/t and often goes away for weekends and shops till late at night. In all honestly,though, she cannot cope with the stress so probably needs that time away. She used to always leave DS in childcare as she said she was paying so she may as well.

VictorianSqualor · 22/02/2008 14:41

I would love nothing more than someone to have both my DC's right now for an hour so I can get in the bath and read a book uniterrupted, they too would probably enjoy it, as it is I can't, so I'm sat here whilst supervising them doing their thang.
It's times like these I wish I wasn't a SAHM so I could get some 'me time' whilst I had the children in childcare.
Maybe I'm just a bad mother, having obviously had some me time over the last seven years since Dd was born when I should've put myself on the back burner and spent these last seven years doing exactly what she needed me to do.
Oh! Hang on!
I HAVE always done exactly what she needed me to do, and the same for DS, just occassionally I have done what I needed to do.

Bangandthedirtisgone · 22/02/2008 14:41

I wondered about the C/Ms commitment to her job and whether she was in the right job.

Then I thought about my own job, I don't have a great deal of commitment to or respect for the organisation I work for. But then I work for a large, faceless government dept that squanders a LOT of public money.

I think if I worked for a small number of living, breathing parents I would try to see them as the human beings they were, instead of passing judgement on them.

Original poster
tori32 · 22/02/2008 14:41

chequers I have NOT judged anyone for being a working parent no matter how many hours they work. Just that when they aren't actually working they might choose to spend extra time with DCS.
Obviously I must be the most cruel and callous CM to think that a mindee is missing out on time with parents when they repeatedly finish early and never collect until they have got their full hours worth.

OP posts:
chelsygirl · 22/02/2008 14:41

too much bashing of Tori here!as always on mn I wonder if the mothers protesting the loudest have a guilty conscience?

Chequers · 22/02/2008 14:44

Message withdrawn

Ellbell · 22/02/2008 14:44

And it's not just the supermarket shop. What if I need to go for a smear test [which I do, this is a reminder to myself to make that appointment]? What if I need to get my hair cut? Am I supposed to make my dds wait at the doctor's or the hairdressers while I get those things done? Hmm... they'll love that. ("Ooh, look... that nurse is poking a telescope up mummy's fanjo. Why is she doing that mummy?" Most educational ).

Also a bit at cms who can find nothing else to talk about other than parents. I'd hate my dds to be looked after by someone that boring.

Lulumama · 22/02/2008 14:45

i have no guilty conscience as am a SAHM who works very sporadically, but i understand both POV as i used to work fulltime, when i had DC1, and he was at nursery . i also left him in nursery, when i was not working and recovering from a long illness.... so i had hours every day alone....

Chequers · 22/02/2008 14:46

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 22/02/2008 14:47

"Ooh, look... that nurse is poking a telescope up mummy's fanjo."

Kathyis6incheshigh · 22/02/2008 14:48

Don't know if this is the case, but Tori's remarks seem to me to be typical of someone who has one (fairly young) child and is still at that phase where they think they are doing everything perfectly and hasn't yet run up against the compromises you have to make when you've got more than one/you're trying to keep a career and family and household going long term.

This is why I tend to be more interested in the opinions of people who have more experience than me, rather than those who have less....

irishbird · 22/02/2008 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsHighwater · 22/02/2008 14:49

Wonder away, chelsygirl. I don't feel guilty, for one. If tori32 is being bashed it is only in response to the bashing of others that she is doing. Fair enough, I say.

TigerFeet · 22/02/2008 14:51

I have a guilty conscience about leaving dd, I don't mind admitting it.

I feel guilty that I get so tired that I sometimes need half an hour to regroup before I collect dd

I feel guilty that sometimes I go to the shops before I collect dd

Nevertheless I do it anyway. I need that time otherwise I am a horrible shouty Mum who is awful to be around.

Tori, ahve you thought that there is a reason why your parents are repeatedly doing that? Perhaps they are depressed, need some time for their own sanity? I know I certainly do. I get so tired at times that I take an afternoon off just to get some sleep.

So that makes me a selfish parent who doesn't put dd first does it?

DaDaDa · 22/02/2008 14:52

Keep digging Tori. Your OP wasn't actually that unreasonable, but you're getting there slowly...

It's all been said for me already. Working parents race around like crazy in order to pay the morgage (or heaven forbid because they enjoy it). A hair shirt is not obligatory, and if my DW has a half day and uses it to have a lie in or get her hair cut, more power to her.

There are some truly idiotic posts on this thread waves at NiceTry and lines up squarely behind hercules1 et al.

LoveMyGirls · 22/02/2008 14:52

You're right about that irishbird I had a conversation today with the mum of my mindee about the very fact she is still xxx as well as being xxx's mummy and how we all need a break now and again and she shouldn't feel at all guilty about having time for herself.

chelsygirl · 22/02/2008 14:53

ALL the childminders I know feel like this and I know loads

one of the reasons I didn't like the job or sent my kids to one

a lot of the childminders on MN sound really excellent and if I could find one round here like them I'd snap her up like a shot(or him NN!), but sadly all the minders I know round here haven't much positive things to say about their mindees parents

motherinferior · 22/02/2008 14:53

Actually, I genuinely think that my CM didn't spend that much time judging thinking about her mindees' parents, what with having a life and all. She had, and continues to have, a very busy family and social life, and frankly has far too much to interest her than to spend her non-working hours agonising over our Frightful (Non)Parental Stance.

Am still PMSL at 'surely the best way to relax after a hard day at work is to spend time with your family'.

Chequers · 22/02/2008 14:53

Message withdrawn

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