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Original poster

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
Thatsridiculous · 15/06/2023 23:10

That sounds really hard OP. I’m sure this isn’t how you imagined life would be.

I think for your own sake and the sake of your child, you need to consider if this is the right relationship for you.

He hasn’t been honest with you and it sounds as though he is taking advantage of you. That says a lot about him as a person.

QueenBitch666 · 15/06/2023 23:10

He's a loser. Raise your standards and get out

NotStayingIn · 15/06/2023 23:11

I'm just so baffled. Is there literally no point as you are writing the updates where something in your head clicks and you realize you've been taken for an absolute mug?

I just don't get how you are talking about things like when we get married. Why on earth would you continue to get in even deeper into this shit show? You need to give your head such a big wobble it might actually detach. You honestly can have a much better life, belief in yourself!

ThomasinaLivesHere · 15/06/2023 23:11

He’s still lying to you. It makes no sense that he isn’t paying off the debts and has no money and pays no rent. My guess would be he’s a gambling addict. Have you noticed such apps on his phone?

Codlingmoths · 15/06/2023 23:12

Please op could you sit down and work out what leaving would look like? You could claim benefits presumably, you could claim cms as they might not care about his debt only his income which sounds decent.
his debt has got worse since you met him, you see NONE of his salary which is 3 times yours, apparently he is paying the minimum whcih means you are completely wrong about he has good habits now, or it means his debt is genuinely something you will never ever ever pay off, but you don’t know as despite saying you are responsible for paying for the family life he isn’t transparent about his finances.
I would end it today. I cannot use all my icnome to support a man who won’t share finances and show me where his money is going. He is taking the absolute piss out of your sacrifice and devotion here, he just expects you to give and give while he refuses to give an inch. That’s not love you’re getting from him. I would find somewhere to stay, take your child and go. After 6 months of showing you ALL his finances and contributing monthly to yours you could consider trying again.

BMW6 · 15/06/2023 23:14

This makes absolutely no sense OP. None at all.

Tangelablue · 15/06/2023 23:14

Can you really afford to stay in this relationship? You making all the sacrifices while he doesn't have a care in the world and you can't raise this with him as he doesn't care what all of this is doing to you.
He's taking you for a mug

CJsGoldfish · 15/06/2023 23:16

Lives with parents and pays pretty much nothing towards his debts? And you want to marry him so much that you bought your own ring? WTAF?

This is your life now OP. This is your childs life. You may say your child doesn't go without and I'm sure that's true but it won't always be. Your child WILL miss out. On more than just material things.

You need to understand that this behaviour won't change. Marriage won't change it. Having a baby doesn't change it. This is a great big mirror into what your life is going to look like going forward. Take notice and make the correct choice for yourself and your child

terrorvisionary · 15/06/2023 23:17

When you first posted, I felt sympathy for you. Seeing your updates, if you don't leave this lying loser pronto, then you are totally to blame if you get dragged under with him. You do realise that living at the same address as him you are financially linked by the credit agencies and your credit record is basically fucked by association with him?

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 23:19

I do know how much he earns.

I don't have access to his bank account

I know how much his debt is. Don't believe it as it doubled since he didn't tell the truth the first time.

Apparently it's under 10,000. So not enough to get an iva.

He doesn't have any money left despite paying minimial installments because had advanced payments from his boss which constantly puts him behind a pay check.

I'm not not listening. I am. I just can't keep up with all the replies!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 23:22

It's infuriating as I told my partner to speak to his parents about his debt and gambling with stocks as a hopefully kick up his ass. Instead they were sympathetic and pitied him and even offered to help pay his debt! Apparently his parents have been bankrupt so I get completely undermined and told it's nothing bad enough to be worth worrying over.

It got as bad as my dp stole money from his dparents and they turned a blind eye from it as they thought he had good intentions since he was using the money to buy more stocks to make us rich quick

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2023 23:27

God, he gets worse and worse!! He actually earns more than you and you 'don't know where his money goes'. Let me guess....gambling.

Serious question: why do you want to stay with him? Not "I love him" but what qualities does he have that make you think that he will do any different in the future.

REignbow · 15/06/2023 23:29

I agree with everyone else. It’s time to put your child first. Why is it that you have had to use savings plus your income to support him.

His debt is his problem. The fact that he has stolen from his parents, the fact that they enable his behaviour says it all really.

If you are living with his parents, move out and into your parents home and leave him.

Uokhon · 15/06/2023 23:31

He needs to earn more and spend less.

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 23:35

@REignbow I do put my child first. My child has a new wardrobe and plenty of shoes. New toys ect. I take my child out to play groups.

Even if it means rocking the same one pair of shoes until they get holes in for me. My child always comes first. I just feel like I don't.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 15/06/2023 23:36

Do not marry this man. The debt is bad. Far worse is that he has hidden it, lied and misled you. Do not tie yourself legally to him. Kick him out and save your money for yourself and your child.

TheHateIsNotGood · 15/06/2023 23:40

you're in an easy-peasy situation as you live with your parents so whatever you do you shouldn't be homeless after they evict your dc's father.

I'm sure your parents would be very happy to shed this 'freeloader' until he grasps the idea of responsibility.

wanttogetadvice · 15/06/2023 23:40

tell him to apply for insolvency as there is literally nothing to loose and hand over the finances, even his own income to you. If he can't do that then leave. People who make bad choices with money never change. Speaking from experience. You and your child will suffer because of him. The only reason you do not have money to leave is because you are with him.

REignbow · 15/06/2023 23:45

@Lidale l did not ever think that you didn’t provide for your child and there is no judgment from me that you live with your/his parents!

What I mean in putting your child first, is that you need to raise your bar far higher than what it is.

He had debt prior to you starting a relationship with him, he lied about it, has stolen from his parents and is okay to essentially put you in debt because you are having to pay for everything.

If you left him, yes you’d be paying for everything for you and your child. But wouldn’t have this feeling of resentment nor a dead weight .

LIZS · 15/06/2023 23:48

Lidale · 15/06/2023 23:19

I do know how much he earns.

I don't have access to his bank account

I know how much his debt is. Don't believe it as it doubled since he didn't tell the truth the first time.

Apparently it's under 10,000. So not enough to get an iva.

He doesn't have any money left despite paying minimial installments because had advanced payments from his boss which constantly puts him behind a pay check.

I'm not not listening. I am. I just can't keep up with all the replies!

The numbers don't stack up. Hmm He earns a good amount but survives on advances and minimum repayments. His parents enable his bad habits and you currently do too, yet the amount owed increases. What would it take to make him change the spending pattern of a lifetime? Why should he all the time he is bailed out? To dc a wardrobe full of new clothes is no substitute for a more relaxed and happy parent with less financial stress.

Itsanotherhreatday · 15/06/2023 23:56

You need a straight forward conversation

What he earns where the money goes etc etc

He has a gambling addiction and none of you are seeing it.

Gymnopedie · 15/06/2023 23:58

Is there, realistically, a way of out of this. Will the grass be greener once I stay with him through the thick of it.

The grass will be a great deal greener if you leave him. Your money will only have to cover you and DC. You mat even get money from him if you go to court.

If he had been honest about his debt, in every aspect, it might have been worth a chance. But he's lied and lied. He earns three times what you do but you have to pay for everything. He's still lying. Leave and make a comfortable life for you and DC.

heartofglass23 · 15/06/2023 23:59

If it was me I'd give an ultimatum: all financial control goes to you- his full salary, everything paid into a sole account of yours. Pocket money for him. This or he leaves.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/06/2023 00:01

Lidale · 15/06/2023 23:35

@REignbow I do put my child first. My child has a new wardrobe and plenty of shoes. New toys ect. I take my child out to play groups.

Even if it means rocking the same one pair of shoes until they get holes in for me. My child always comes first. I just feel like I don't.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you're not helping yourself here. Why does your child need a new wardrobe and plenty of shoes? I really hope these are cheap second hand clothes and not new. My children when as young as yours had one pair of shoes at a time. There is no need for a very young child to have "plenty of shoes". Don't spend your savings or wages on buying lots of new things for your child, they don't need it. Children can easily cope with a small amount of clothes, one pair of shoes and some second hand toys.

It's very clear to me that your partner has serious financial issues. Even if his debt is under £10K, he is financially irresponsible and gambles with stocks to his detriment. Normally, I'd say a debt under £10K could be easily paid off when living with parents and with both of you working, however, something is certainly amiss here with where exactly his wages are ending up.

I'd save yourself and your child a very tough life and start afresh just the two of you, you can live frugally, your child needs your love and care more than plenty of shoes.

Take care, good luck.

PlatBilledDuckypuss · 16/06/2023 00:01

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:06

I have no where else to go nor no money to leave.

It seems like you have no money to stay either. How could leaving make you worse off? What's to say that when this debt is cleared he won't run up new ones? Get out. LTB as we used to say on MN.