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AIBU?

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Original poster

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/06/2023 22:25

I'm not entirely sure that the OP is listening...

piedbeauty · 15/06/2023 22:25

He earns triple what you do? That's even worse. He's taking you for a fool.

LIZS · 15/06/2023 22:26

So his actual repayments are minimal - if he is only servicing interest the balance will never clear. He is not bankrupt yet, just borderline insolvent but by the sounds of it out of choice as his income gies elsewhere. Where dies it go? If he will not be honest and make steps to change off his own back you cannot marry him in the hope things will improve. All it will achieve is legally tie you and your dc into his financial chaos.

momonpurpose · 15/06/2023 22:27

Put your child and yourself first and get out. Maybe that will be the kick in the pants he needs to get it together

A303 · 15/06/2023 22:27

How much? £10,000 or £250,000?
And how much are your incomes?

This information really is relevant to get an better understanding. Otherwise replies will be largely fuzzy and meaningless.

SpilltheTea · 15/06/2023 22:30

It will never end if you stay with him. Why are you letting him run you into the ground?

AfraidToRun · 15/06/2023 22:35

Top 10 on my list of things I look for in a partner is financially sound, not rich, but not a massive spender or gambler. For some reason we never think about this before we get in relationships. Attitude to money is so important.

You say he's getting on top of it only he isn't, you are.

k1233 · 15/06/2023 22:36

He will always be bad with money. Unless you want full control of finances with him getting an allowance, he will always drag you down and keep you broke.

Leave before you have any more children that he will never support.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/06/2023 22:38

Get rid He's only paying down his debts because you are making up the shortfall... Sacrificing yourself
Sell the engagement ring and get some of YOUR money back
If you stay, he will drag you down to his level, emotionally and financially.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/06/2023 22:39

I do wish people would stop giving false information. Whilst OP should run for the hills from this guy- never mind get married- his debts do not become yours if you are married unless they were jointly signed for- joint accounts, joint credit cards, mortgage, rental contract etc.

Any debts acquired by him on his own and signed for or acquired solely by him are his alone- whether you are married or not.

babyproblems · 15/06/2023 22:41

why are you staying with him?? He doesn’t sound like he wants the same things in life that you do. Please don’t marry him.. if you do it will be all to his advantage and absolutely to your disadvantage. I’d strongly encourage you to rethink this relationship and put your child first in doing so. Your child is better with one stable, happy, parent than two who are not happy and one/or two who have no money. I feel like he’s robbing you of your self esteem aswell. I think you should walk away and focus on building your life how you want it.. good luck to you xxxxx

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 15/06/2023 22:42

None of this makes sense at all.

He earns 3 times what you do.

OK for simplicity sake, after tax, you earn £100, he earns £300.

If he pays his £1 debt, you hace £100 and he still has £299.

As a priority, you need to know how much debt and how much repayments, from actual statements not just his so so and also his payslip because it just doesn't add up. At All!!!

Personally, I wouldn't waste another minute with someone who hides so much and is so financially messed up but judging by your posts you aren't leaving hut if you are stating, you need to get a much better handle on the situation because right jow, you have no idea what's going on.

KickAssAngel · 15/06/2023 22:47

He isn't even paying off his debt!

If he's only paying a pound on each card/loan, his debt is increasing pretty rapidly. He earns 3 times what you do and spends it ALL on himself, while you support 3 people.

Look at your child. How can you be with someone who is literally willing to see their child go without? If a stranger took food away from your kid you'd probably yell, maybe even attack them. Why are you letting him financially abuse you and your child?

NameChangeNumber359 · 15/06/2023 22:47

For the love of God, do not marry this complete fucking waste of space! What on earth does he bring to your life apart from lies and debt? Get him in the bin pronto. I guarantee you'll be better off without him in more ways than just financial.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 15/06/2023 22:47

You still haven't told us which parents you're living with.
Or even if you're both living with the same set of parents or separately with your respective parents? Has he ever lived independently?

Please stop living with him. If you're at your parents, he can move out.

Please contact CMS and get maintenance sorted for your child. Please stop paying anything at all towards this chancer's living expenses.

You say he's "bankrupt" but he hasn't actually officially filed for bankruptcy, as if he had, the debts would've been written off?

Like everyone else, I think you'd be far better off without him, and your child is going to suffer if you put up with this situation any longer. YABU to stay this long, especially in light of how he talks to you.

Escapingafter50years · 15/06/2023 22:47

It seems to me that when you bring up a discussion about finances, he shuts you down. He brings up irrelevant things, he doesn't offer to hear you out, he doesn't try to set your mind at ease, and most of all he doesn't sit down with you to plan out a future free from debt. That is not just one red flag, that is a string of them.

TrishTrix · 15/06/2023 22:51

FFS Leave.

He isn't honest.

He earns triple what you do and the debt is growing.

He has a gambling problem or continues to make stupid life choices.

Edders71 · 15/06/2023 22:55

He’s mugging you off. Your entire life will be like this. Don’t condemn yourself and your child to a life like that.

Batalax · 15/06/2023 23:01

Sorry op, this must all be hard to hear.

pp’s are right though. It doesn’t add up. Something else is going on.

MeinKraft · 15/06/2023 23:03

'He also has cut his payments back to the bare minimum to keep them at bay. I think it's literally all a pound at the moment. So I really have no clue where his money is going '

LTB and not because of the debt, but because he's into something else. Gambling, drugs, sex workers I don't know but he's not being honest with you about the investment thing.

silentpool · 15/06/2023 23:03

I was married to one of these. Life is a lot better without worrying about what stupid shit they will do next. They don't get better.

SaxSick · 15/06/2023 23:03

What were his bad choices ?

DrManhattan · 15/06/2023 23:04

I voted you ABU. Why on earth would anyone put up with that? Get some standards. The bloke is taking the absolute piss out of you

fumigation · 15/06/2023 23:05

The only way out of this is complete honesty and transparency from him. You don't seem to know where he spends his money and that's not a good thing. It also sounds like maybe he's continuing to make poor choices?

I think you'll find out soon enough if you ask him for a honest breakdown of everywhere his money is going. Do a family budget on an excel sheet with your incomings and regular essential outgoings. Find out what sort of disposable income he has once debt repayments and other essential bills are paid.

If he refuses to be transparent over this, I think you probably have a much bigger problem on your hands.

oakleaffy · 15/06/2023 23:09

@Lidale Someone being bad with money is a complete no no.
The fact he lied about how much debt he is in is also really bad.

Is he a gambler? an addict? If he earns good money, there is no way you should be subsidising him.

This sounds oddly familiar- have you posted before about him?

Living with his parents with a child, debt and unwilling to move out..

Do you want to be doing this at 40, 50, 60?

Nothing will change unless you make it change- eg, leave his debt ridden sorry ass.