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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
FFSFF · 15/06/2023 21:54

I voted YABU because I can't understand why you're still with him. He lied, he was dishonest, he's dragged you down and he will do so for life if you let him. You also can't have a frank, honest discussion with him for fear of how he'll react.

Please get out while you still can.

Ottersmith · 15/06/2023 21:58

If you marry him then you will be picking up his debts forever. Has he actually declared himself bankrupt? Because maybe that's the best thing for him to do. He's obviously not managing this on his own like he says he can so not talking about it isn't an option for him. You need to give him an ultimatum, he needs to talk about it and go to couples counselling to be open about this or you will leave. I've known women like you and they have just been dragged down and their children have grown up poor.

Judgey8 · 15/06/2023 22:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Itsanotherhreatday · 15/06/2023 22:00

Are you both working?

You can apply for a council property - you really need to leave because it will be the same next year and the next - and if you are living with parents broke - and holes in your clothes - you can’t afford a house - because he will squeeze every penny before paying mortgage or bills and you will have it repossessed - that’s your future with him. You have a choice - in 10 years eye watering debt - you’ll have very little choice especially if you marry him.

ukgot2pot · 15/06/2023 22:02

Debt is like a cancer that needs to be eradicated. He should be working like a dog to pay it off, but instead you are the one who is taking it on, wearing holes in your clothes and suffered the consequences.

OP - You can't marry this man. It won't end well.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2023 22:03

maddening · 15/06/2023 19:31

If he is bankrupt then surely he is not paying the debt? Is he working?

Very good point!

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 22:04

To answer some questions. I only found out about the extremity of his debt when I pregnant. Before that we weren't living together and our finances weren't tied so I was never affected or had a clue. My only insight was sometimes he would ask me for money to pay off his car insurance ect. He always had shame about asking any of his family for money as they never knew of his debt at this point (they do now because I told him he needs to tell them for advise ).

He also has cut his payments back to the bare minimum to keep them at bay. I think it's literally all a pound at the moment. So I really have no clue where his money is going except for the fact that he has taken out many advanced payments with his work and is consequently constantly behind on a pay check and runs out of money weeks into a month.

OP posts:
ScientificallyProcessed · 15/06/2023 22:05

Your child really doesn’t need two broke parents. Be a good parent and leave.

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 22:06

We are both working. He gets significantly more than me though. Which makes me paying our living expenses even harder to get my head around. He earns about triple than I do. When I bring this up to him and remind him of this fact he reminds me I don't pay debt so technically I have the same disposable cash as him

OP posts:
TiaraBoo · 15/06/2023 22:07

Whose parents are you living with?

Ponoka7 · 15/06/2023 22:11

Lidale · 15/06/2023 22:06

We are both working. He gets significantly more than me though. Which makes me paying our living expenses even harder to get my head around. He earns about triple than I do. When I bring this up to him and remind him of this fact he reminds me I don't pay debt so technically I have the same disposable cash as him

Does he have a gambling issue? There's something else going on and you are being a mug. You need full disclosure form him.

Joeylove88 · 15/06/2023 22:13

OP if he's earning triple what you earn and his debt payments have been pushed back to £1 and you are still suffering financially then it sounds like he's either carrying on making stupid choices with all the money he's left with and being incredibly selfish instead of making sure he's covering you and your child with his amazing wage, or he's putting it all in savings for himself and letting you continue to cover him so he can do what he wants? I mean either way it does sound like your being treated like a complete mug by this person! Surely if your living with parents you will be saving alot of money with that aswell? It sounds like a miserable life to live you deserve decent clothes and things for yourself and your so called partner is taking advantage of your good nature to stick by him!

ukgot2pot · 15/06/2023 22:13

How much is the debt and how much does he earn?

Debt can be paid off quickly with the right mindset and being aggressive. It sounds like he has neither.

Leave

doingthehokeykokey · 15/06/2023 22:14

It will never end OP. Leave

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/06/2023 22:14

Lidale · 15/06/2023 22:06

We are both working. He gets significantly more than me though. Which makes me paying our living expenses even harder to get my head around. He earns about triple than I do. When I bring this up to him and remind him of this fact he reminds me I don't pay debt so technically I have the same disposable cash as him

Ok you need to leave him. You’ll be financially better off.

This man is a liar and a drain.

Therealjudgejudy · 15/06/2023 22:16

Omg, your latest update shows how entitled he is.

Leave his broke ass

PoppyFleur · 15/06/2023 22:16

So, in summary, you don’t know:

  • how much debt he is in
  • how much he is paying off per month
  • how much he earns
  • what he is doing with his salary each month
  • whether he is adding to the existing debt.

In the meantime he has convinced you to spend all your savings and salary compensating for his lack of contribution to your child. And the result is that you are stuck with no financial nest egg to get out of this mess.

I have never advised anyone to leave a relationship because I believe adults have autonomy but please leave this pathetic excuse for a man. Leave him, run far away and never look back.

He is at best a dreamer, naive to money and investments. Or he is a selfish and delusional person who is not prioritising his own child and will, most likely, drag you down with him.

leave whilst you have your sanity and credit rating.

GabriellaMontez · 15/06/2023 22:17

He earns triple, only pays £1 a month, borrows off you, won't discuss it...

He's having a laugh.

Make plans to leave.

ScientificallyProcessed · 15/06/2023 22:18

You do understand this is a very serious situation for your future op?

Feraldogmum · 15/06/2023 22:18

He was sponging off you before you were pregnant,earns three times as much but makes you pay for everything whilst he clearly spends on himself, gets angry if you’re upset! This man has no shame, is a parasite and is frankly abusive, I would not be surprised if his fists are the next thing you’ll experience.
You need to leave him and speak to the benefits agency ( no idea what called these days) and whoever deals with child support. I expect they will attach an order to his salary for child maintenance and if not you will qualify for financial assistance.
He is making you miserable and draining all your money,he needs to be supporting you but leaving him and taking action is the only way he will ever do this. If you’re with your parents,get him to throw him out.

Payitforward55 · 15/06/2023 22:20

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. Sending you big hugs. But I do agree with the majority here. I think you need to have a calm, honest, adult discussion on whats coming in from both salaries and exactly what is going out. If he refuses to do this you need to tell him you want a better future for you and your child.

Oneanddone88 · 15/06/2023 22:21

My gut feeling is that he's gambling , ask to see his bank statements. If he can't be that transparent with you, you cannot marry this man.

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 15/06/2023 22:24

It won’t get better.
I was a marriage and two children in before I realised this. 5 years on my credit rating is still affected by his debts and I may never be able to afford a house when I should be able to.
Since I left I’ve managed to build up a career and a nice life for me and the children he still lives in a crappy flat driving a shitty car that’s always breaking down while pulling in the same wage as me. I have no idea what he does with his money just wastes it I think.
You and you child deserve better.

Annoyingnamechangerperson · 15/06/2023 22:24

*your

SheSaidHummingbird · 15/06/2023 22:25

What the heck do you mean 'when we get married'?

Whatever money you're mourning the loss of now, imagine yourself 10 years down the line, financially tied to him through marriage, mourning hundreds and thousands of pounds that he's spent/ gambled/ invested/ lost that he doesn't have the decency to be honest with you about.