His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

Do you have a proper budget? Write down absolutely everything that goes out each month plus eveything that you need to pay annually plus how much you would need to pay annually for lifestyle things like maintaining / upgrading your house and/ or holidays. Get it all onto a monthly soreadhseet and then look at what you both earn and how much is covered. Then work out how much needs to go on debt and how much you can each have to spend outwith the costs above. Hopefully it will provide really useful insight. I know, as I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s incredibly difficult to get out of debt if you underestimate finances

Sorry Op but this sounds like someone with a serious gambling habit, using all his wages on doing this, except paying the minimum to debt collectors etc. If his work has given him advances on his wages they wouldn't have done it more than once if he struggled to pay it back? Living with parents so not that much expenditure each month for bills, mortgage etc.. If he earns a decent wage a debt of less than 10k is not huge when living with parents and he should easily be able to pay that off over a few years max.. Something doesn't add up here. You need answers, write it all down and work out income, outgoings and ill bet there's a significant amount unaccounted for. Don't marry him until you get to the bottom of this.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!!!

As soon as you discovered he'd lied to you about his financial situation, that should have been the moment when you put down your rose tinted glasses and realised this is who HE REALLY IS.

The longer you stay with him, the worse it will get. It won't ever get better because he isn't interested in changing his behaviours as he thinks he knows best. It sounds like he has a similar mentality to men with addiction/gambling problems. You and your child will never come first because he will always want to put his own selfish needs first and expect you to go along with whatever crackpot idea he has next.

If he was an honourable man he would have prioritised sorting his debts when you had a child together. But he hasn't, has he?

Stop blaming your feckless DP for your own equally bad choices and start owning them. You knew he had serious debts and yet you CHOSE to have a child with the person.

The good news is that YOU CAN CHANGE.
You can choose to stop enabling him and to break up and start living a new life without having to support his lies and manipulation.

You owe this to yourself and your child.

Why are you still choosing to marry someone who you clearly resent and possibly even despise? He’s drained you and you’re going back for more. Why bother asking the question if you’ve no intention of leaving?

Don't marry him.
Don't tie yourself to a big heavy rock that will drag you down.
He won't change.

@Lidale is it possible your husband has inattentive adhd? The money mismanagement and gambling are classic adhd signs.

He’s not getting on top of it ! You have been carrying the load and now he’s bankrupt he’s clearly been doing nothing about it .

If you stay you will always have nothing .
He has no reason to change as he has you carrying him.

if you marry him he will be getting loans in
your name or guilt tripping you to take them out.
Where will your child be then ?

With such low earnings, can you claim universal credit? You're living with his parents, is there no possibility you could go and live with yours?
The situation you describe sounds untenable, and I don't see how it can improve since your DP sounds completely irresponsible with enabling parents. I would suggest making exit plans now, even if it may be a long time before you can actually go. Is there any way you can start putting a bit of money by, without him knowing?
And seriously, Do Not Marry Him.

Leave, now. I had this with ex husband. Did not disclose debt until after we were married. I ended paying it off, he still spent money like water. I divorced him, with a one year old. I was much better off financially and emotionally. Of course he does’ t want you to talk about. If he was decent he would not see you in the poor situation

Is he a gambler?

Sorry OP but you set the bar for yourself far too low when you got pregnant with a man who was not going to step up to be a responsible father. That's done now, but please get yourself-esteem bolstered somehow (for example you are a great mum), enough to put a stop to this soul-sucking way of life. You deserve better - believe it and do what you need to do.

If you have a child with a man, he has to be capable of supporting the child. If you don't stick to this baseline you will be sucked in forever and lose yourself.
You deserve a proper partnership - all the secrecy over money is a no-no.

This sounds like some kind of passive coercive economic control to me. He's not preventing you access to money, but he's making it impossible for you to manage your finances because you'll always have to prioritise your child over yourself. There's no motivation for him to change all the while you're together. I suggest you get debt advice for yourself and your future. All the very best.

I'm so worried about you OP. I have a friend whose husband was rubbish with money. They spent their whole lives paying off his debts. Even though he had a good salary they never had a penny. Even though she worked incredibly hard, nightshifts and a decent salary, she spent her whole life scrimping and worrying where the next penny was coming from.

The thing is, after a lifetime of poverty he left to go off with another woman. He was spending a fortune on meals, hotels, gifts.

Now he's finally gone, she's finding she has more money to spend, getting things done on the house.

From what I can see he was a liar and a rotter. He's probably had multiple affairs before this final one, and he was a spendthrift, always borrowing money from one place to the next. He was also an alcoholic and a gambler.

Yet she was devoted to him and would never have left. I'm not judging, love makes us do strange things. But her life would have been so much better in many ways of she'd never got together with him. ☹️

Your instincts are making you rightly question what's happening. Listen to them!

Leave. He’s lied repeatedly about his debt, uses you and your family to fund his poor life choices. What is he actually bringing to your relationship?

Why would you want to marry a deadbeat? You're always going to be broke.

Leave. You have a choice here, don’t carry him anymore and for god sake don’t marry him.
It’s hard enough raising a child when you have the same values and you’re both pulling your weight, this is impossible.

I'm sorry to read such a sad story but you have two choices. Stay and sort it or leave and be better off.
Did you know about his debt when you met...or shortly after? When did he tell you?
How long (at his present rate of repayment) will it take to clear the debt?
Is he paying interest on it?
If no...good. If yes, can you get a credit card in your name with 0% interest for as long as possible...say, 24 months or, if it takes longer to clear the debt, then transfer the rest to another card with 0% rate...in your name of course. Then pay the card as the card has cleared the debt(s)
Sending my best wishes to you. It's an unenviable position to be in, especially with a child but can you really trust him money wise into the future?

Marriage is certainly not a good idea right now! But things do need to change. Starting with him handing over everything 'finance' wise to you. His payslips, bank cards, bank/credit card statements and then go online and check his credit file.
Get yourself in the position of knowing what is going on!! Once you know what you are dealing with - then you can sit and down and talk about how you deal with the future.
It might be that a charity that helps with debts can give you guidance on dealing with the debt. Or that you giving him an allowance to spend may be the knock on the head that he needs to actually start dealing with this properly instead frittering it away on who knows what!
If he refuses then you need to think about how you will extricate yourself from this nightmare situation - women's refuges are used to dealing with this scenario and can offer you the help and advice needed. You have no need to be trapped - your mind is telling you there is no way out but there is - take it one step at a time and gain control of your own future with or without this man.

Jesus don't get married to him. He will sink the both of you.

I used to be a debt recovery officer and if his debts are substantial he should just call it quits and declare himself bankrupt. He can come out the over end and be debt free with no credit rating, but be able to get his life back on track after a few years. It does depend what kind of debt it is, it's not as simple as just saying I can't pay, but there are times when you only back back a small amount like 10p in every pound. He needs to look at all of his options as this life you have described is barely keeping your heads above water and you deserve better.

What?

Is that a bot?

Going to be perfectly honest. The father of my first two DC was like this. I refused to marry him. Like you, I did not realise the extent of the problem until it was far too late and we had kids. He hid it well, and lied a lot. I was young and naive.

He died. And to be honest, even though it was such a sad thing, and sad for my DC (although they were very young, toddlers), I am relieved to be rid of his financial abuse. I believe he must have had a gambling problem.

I have a milder version of this. I helped him set up a payment plan, which was about £150 a month and it’s now paid off. I pay much more for everything and always have but there are things I have put in place to mitigate this financial imbalance, i.e he does more of the childcare. If we go away, I sometimes go on my own with our child rather than pay for another adult. I have more sympathy for my partner because he had a bit of a rogue childhood and seems to missing some basic life skills! Now he is earning (low but better than nothing), he pays me a set amount every month and pays for what he can on top. It’s put an immense strain on the relationship but we are staying together for now for practical/childcare purposes. I’m ok with that but have had to manage the situation carefully so I don’t get resentful.