His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

@Happyinmyowncompany

How sweet you sound.

This is not accidental.
The very best interpretation of this is that he is quite ?stupid, and can't see that if you take money and don't pay it back you are hurting someone else financially. He may have tapped out his family already
Surely it's gambling?

I'm on just over £2k/month take-home, same as your "D"P. To give an idea of where "D"P should be, I own my (small) home, own my (old) car, only debt is mortgage.

Buying stocks and shares is a form of gambling. A good, regulated investment manager can choose good odds with a high chance of small but consistent returns. Your "D"P is not a good, regulated investment manager, he is a gambler losing money on bad stocks and probably cryptocurrencies in the hope that next time he will win big. Your "D"P is no different from the people who put £50 on the lottery each week in the hope of winning the jackpot, or who spend every race day in the bookies.

If he's paying off his debt at £1.00 a month he's lying to you. If he was on a good wage he'd be paying more, you aren't allowed to add to your debt or the agreement stops.

I also think gambling.

Someone earning 2k a month who believes they can play the stock market and get rich is seriously delusional.

If he had that capability he would be capable of earning far more money in the first place.

Mugs like him are how actual qualified traders make money, their gains come directly from the fools like this.

If you can't even approach him about his get rich quick schemes you have no chance.

I have a brother like this, he first bought a house when they were 10k in the 80s, and now at 60 something owes 90 percent of the value of his home to the bank. After 40 years of paying a mortgage.
He's been scammed by share investor schemes promising he will get rich quick.

He would be secure and have an asset if he had not got trapped in this magical thinking.

Hopeless.

@Anklespraying totally agree-

You just gonna quote me to be a sarcastic... Go argue /debate with yourself

What the hell are you doing OP?

You aren't listening and sound beyond help.

You're in control of your own life, if you don't like the way things are then change them.

He's bleeding you dry.

@Happyinmyowncompany

Gosh, so clever too. Thanks for this!

Sorry for the derail OP. Stopping now.

@Lidale

Why do you only earn 500 ? Your problem really is not him. He is a financial deadbeat, but your real problem is that you do not earn enough to support yourself and your child.

Why don't you go and live with your family while you prepare to become financially independent? You do not need to be engaged or married to this man. You need to be free of this man. He is pulling you down rather than lifting you up.

Leave him with his parents. How and when he resolves his financial problems should be no concern of yours. You should go and file for CMS , and then you should look for a better paying job.

What are you getting from this relationship that makes you think that being married to this man would make your life better? Were you to marry him, you would only have a deadbeat husband rather than a deadbeat boyfriend.

You can do better for yourself and your child.

Ask your parents for money one last time. To put down a deposit on a rented flat. Put your address on the forms as your parents address. Ask them to be guarantors if necessary. Don’t make the excuse that you have nowhere to go. I did it, and was then able to claim top up benefits. I think you’re looking for a solution that doesn’t exist. If you stay with this man you will be living with his parents forever. And that will be down to you because it’s your choice.

This is absolutely ridiculous, you’re being a complete doormat. This man earns three times more than you yet you’re paying for everything?! Why? His debt is not your problem, you’re not married, he isn’t owed your money and you don’t have to compensate for him. All the time you enable this selfish prick, he will keep taking. Wake the fuck up and start putting yourself and your child first.

Of course they go without!
They, like you, have no home of their own and no longer term financial security. It has absolutely nothing to do with the ‘stuff’ you buy them in the here and now

BUT you are actively choosing this life for them by staying with and supporting this absolute loser.
Your choice to put up with this situation is hampering their opportunities later in life whether you want to acknowledge it or not . Lots of doors will be closed to them throughout their childhood unnecessarily purely because their idiot of a father is a gambler and their mother is prepared to muddle along filling in what gaps she can (including by scrounging off other family) to sub his miserable arse

Don't marry him for Christ's sake op!

You will forever fuck up your credit rating.

And your chance to be happy.

I agree the debt will be more. You just know it's under £10k because he's told you that's what it is. He's already lied to you about how much it was originally so why would he tell the truth now.

I would leave. Child together or not. Your settling yourself up to always struggle otherwise. You'd be better off just you and your daughter.

If you are not going to leave him then I would sit down with him and open a free Experian account in his name and see what exactly the debt is. You get 30'days free. It will show up everything. If he refuses well you know it's all lies.

If he refuses i would set it up myself in his name to see and maybe they will open your eyes.

i would set it up myself in his name to see

They won't let you do that.

They don't know who is setting it up so long as you have the details. Name address etc etc.

Do not marry this man

Getting married doesn't fuck up your credit rating.

https://www.barclaycard.co.uk/personal/money-matters/family-finances/does-marriage-affect-your-credit-score#:~:text=Your%20spouse's%20credit%20history%20won,credit%20score%20or%20credit%20history.

Sadly I fear this is the tip of the iceberg. I believe Op has posted previously about how she is controlled and abused by his family as well as her p. @Lidale Please contact Women's Aid to talk this through and find a solution.

If when your child is an adult they had a partner just like this how would you feel? To quote the manic street preachers if you tolerate this then your children will be next. Do you want that?

Many a gambler likes to pretend he’s not a gambler by dabbling (a lot) in the stock market.

@Lidale

I apologize if you've mentioned this before.

Where are your parents/family in all of this? You say you have nowhere to go, can you go to them? If you have a good enough relationship to borrow money from them, I'd think you'd have a good enough relationship to say "Help me get out of this". I know my parents would have moved Heaven and earth to help me if I was in a relationship with a financial abuser. And your relationship is abusive in that he is not being financially honest or fair with you and is not treating you kindly.

Simply the fact that you don't know the real extent of his debt or whether or not he's really even paying it off is abusive, let alone the fact that you're afraid to ask him to contribute fairly for your child, shows that the relationship is abusive.

OP I imagine you love him and you're wondering if he can pay this debt off and then you can get on with having a happier future.

That future doesn't exist. It doesn't. Being this bad with money has no end date, he will always be chaotic and borrowing money. But if by some miracle he turns things around, you will never trust him. You will always worry that he is hiding debt and lying to you. I think I could stay with someone who was a bit rubbish with money (but who worked hard to change) but a liar? No.

From the outside looking in, you are in a dreadful relationship. You have no independence as between you you can't afford your own place. You are being lied to. You are with a thief. The resentment and worry will grind you down. Is this man using money for prostitutes or drugs is honestly what also came to mind? It's doable to live pretty frugally if you are incredibly determined and want to pay down debt, even if it is a bit miserable. It doesn't sound like he is.

Your children learn from their parents what normal is and then they often go out and seek similar relationships as that's all they know. How would you feel in 20 years time if your child bought home a partner like this?

When will this end? There's only one answer and as other posters have said - leave.
Sadly if you stay with him things will get worse for you.