His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

If it is not gambling the majority his income could be funding any number of other activities or addictions. Even if he pays your food bill and car insurance there should be over £1k left to go towards paying off the debt not making minimal payments. Why would he need to steal or borrow more unless he is still spending? Who does your childcare while you work, could you increase hours to save to leave? Go to CAB and find out what help there might be available to move out - deposit schemes, benefits etc You may not think you are in an abusive relationship but there is financial abuse and controlling behaviour going on.

Mine too.

Gambling addiction is really hard to address, and it requires openness and a real desire to change on the addict's part.

You need to have a serious discussion with him, OP, and ask to see his bank statements so he can't bullshit you. And be prepared for him to be angry.

I think people can change their behaviour when it comes to spending, but to do that they need to realise that they can't carry on with their current behaviour.

I know someone who did exactly this.

Her DP let her cut up all his cards, so he couldn't run up any more debt. She got his salary paid into a joint account, but he didn't have access to it. A fixed amount of spending money went into his own account each week, and it had no overdraft facility, so once it was gone, it was gone.

She got him to see a debt adviser at CAB and they recommended he apply for a debt relief order. After 12 months, all his debts were written off. It wrecked his credit, which meant they couldn't get a mortgage for years, but because he couldn't spend all their money, they built up a large deposit in that time.

However, he didn't have an addiction (unless you count buying expensive clothes, cameras and guitars).

If you can get more hours but can't afford childcare, please realise that this means not only have your savings been depleted directly from being with him, but you're being used as unpaid childcare so he can work..which also means you're unpaid childcare while he works and increases his pension while you reduce yours.

This.

In fact the whole post from PostOpOp.

You must be working very few hours to be earning so little, OP. I envisaged you working full time and him earning 3x a f/t salary, which would make him very well off indeed, without his spending habits.

Even so, on net pay of £2k, he should be contributing 4x as much as you to joint expenses, including stuff for your child. That still leaves him with a lot of disposable income.

Does he give his parents money towards bills etc?

I think we all know the Op is gonna marry this guy and have more kids with him. Have a life of living like this. I despair.

Op, you're not trapped. That's the top and bottom of it. You asked for advice, and here it is: leave this man. Everyone on the thread is saying the same thing.

The question you're asking should be 'I feel trapped, how do I get out?' We can offer you practical advice, then.

How come you're not asking that question? Why do you want to stay with him? Or, why don't you think you can get out?

I agree. The OP must be working around 12 hours pw if she's only earning £500 a month.

And there'd probably be help with childcare costs from UC if she increased her hours. Then she could start saving in order to move out of this awful situation.

Could you move in with your parents, OP?

As a ballpark, if the OP was on her own with DC, and earning £500 net, she'd get a few hundred a month in UC (I reckon around £500-600), plus rent, plus help with childcare costs.

If she could move in with her family, she'd get a bit more, because none of her earnings would be taken into account, because of the higher work allowance.

However, I suspect OP won't be back, at least for a while.

@LakieLady she would also get maintanance- as she said he isn't a hugely low earner- it's the fact he's paying back debt-

There is really no point of giving advise to OP, from her previous comments she gets defensive from the advise given

There is no guarantee she will get maintenance. Many exes do not step up and pay their way. The government do not criminalise non payment and the CMS is a damp squib.

This.

It sounds like a difficult situation you’ve found yourself in op and it sounds like you’re doing your best for your child.

He doesn’t sound anywhere close to getting his act together though, he could go on like this forever.

The trick is to find a way of giving advice that op isn't defensive to, rather than this 'fuck it' attitude. If you don't want to give further advice, that's up to you. It's not universal.

And you never will have if you stay

Why do you only earn 500?
Are you uk?

How much is rent?

OP - he is in significantly more than 10k of debt and he is lying about it.

Not many employers will give advances these days so I’d shoot that one down too.

He has stolen, he has spent your money, he has lied repeatedly. You are borrowing from your parents. All of your income goes on your living costs. You are sliding further down rather than getting out.

It is really hard with people like this, then one day, the scales fall from your eyes. Usually the day you find the stash of demand letters and payslips and realise just how bad it is. Spoiler: it is always much worse than you think.

Do yourself a huge favour - walk away now.

He needs debt counselling, this should help him negotiate repayments on a way he can afford. Basically they work out living costs and then you pay a portion of the remainder to the debt

That is your opinion and I have mine... Have a great day

I bet he is lying about getting pay advances.can he prove it? I suspect he is hiding his income from you so that he can gamble it on stocks.

I also suspect that his debt is more than 10k. Does he pay rent to his parents. He could repay this within a year if he wanted to.

He stole from his parents.

He won't contribute to his child's expenses.

He won't discuss finances with you even though it's affecting your quality of life and mental wellbeing so has no respect for you.

He is a total loser and proven thief and liar. Do not marry him.

Exactly.

I am at a loss as to why anyone gets involved with these grifters in the first place, let alone has children by them. Ladies, be warned, the first time he asks you for money when dating, run for the hills.

Good luck, OP. I'd be seeking refuge in your shoes before he and his bankrupt family drag you deeper into the abyss. They aren't going to change their lifelong poor character.

Instead of borrowing from your parents to subsidise your money sink of a "D"P, why not borrow from your parents to get a flat deposit for you and DS? Or ask to move in with your parents?

I think if you sat down with your parents and explained that you've realised that "D"P is wasting money and you want rid of him, your parents would be willing to help.

Sorry I apologise for this post and now I can't edit it. If you were my sister OP thats what I would tell you honestly but also things are never easy in real life. I hope you can work out a better path forward that gives your family more happiness