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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 16/06/2023 03:15

I'd be very surprised if its under 10k. And if it is, surely as you aren't paying rent (or indeed any substantial debt repayments), you can pay this amount off fairly quickly? IMO this just doesn't add up, I suspect there is a lot more debt than he is admitting to. You should be running like the wind, he is blatantly lying to you. You will never find peace and happiness with a man like this,

JimnJoyce · 16/06/2023 03:47

If he's currently bankrupt, realistically how much debt can he really have?

CJsGoldfish · 16/06/2023 04:19

I do put my child first. My child has a new wardrobe and plenty of shoes. New toys ect. I take my child out to play groups

Is this really what you consider putting your child first?
Do you think that ensuring your child has a wardrobe of new clothes and plenty of shoes is going to offset the home life your are providing? The 'role model' you are providing? Do you not understand that nothing is going to change? What will the resentment do to your child who is going to grow up with this shitshow being their 'normal'.
I can guarantee that all the clothes and shoes and playgroups in the world won't make up for you staying in this 'relationship' 🤷‍♀️

user1492757084 · 16/06/2023 04:26

Go to a finincial planner together so that you both understand the extent of the problem and the quickest way to get out.
You should never have, ever, touched your savings.
It is one thing to have debts but to keep them hush hush is not fair.
He should have got a better job or asked his parents or anything other than using you.

bumblebee2235 · 16/06/2023 04:40

I was in the same with my partner when we first met.

But, he set up a payment plan with what he owed, his debt took longer to clear but meant in the present I wouldnt be as effected.

Then he pretty much worked like mad, overtime so worked 6-7 days a week. Picked up odd jobs for locals where we lived in the evenings too. Then also went to debt advisors to see what he could whittle down with the debts. He also stopped going out till he was more on top of it.

JandalsAlways · 16/06/2023 04:43

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:06

I have no where else to go nor no money to leave.

Of course you have money to leave. Its him that's costing you. Leave! Financial problems don't go away and are too much of a burden.

PollyThePixie · 16/06/2023 04:59

Op, he’s a secret gambler.

Whattodowithit88 · 16/06/2023 04:59

If he declares bankruptcy he won’t be able to get a mortgage for years!! So you will be stuck with the parents for a long time coming yet!

yabu- this is your fault, you chose a looser then had a kid with him. I wouldn’t bother sticking it out, he is a money pit and you’re eating your life!

merderforlife · 16/06/2023 05:57

Is he actually officially bankrupt? As if so he no longer will be paying anything towards his debts, they have been "written off"

Or were you just saying he is "bankrupt" to mean he has no money?

I suggest speaking to stepchange debt charity or CAB, both incredibly helpful in these situations

MRex · 16/06/2023 06:19

This is really messy OP. A few points are clear.

  1. He's still accumulating debt. You need to be clear in your mind what that means for decisions, he is still gambling on shares etc. That means losses will continue to accumulate.
  2. If he were bankrupt then he wouldn't have debts still to pay, that's another lie you've been told.
  3. If he'd gone for IVA at under £10k then they would have stayed felt consolidation, so there's another lie in that one.
  4. If his parents were willing to pay them he could have repaid them without interest to be clear of debt faster, sounds like another lie.
  5. Between you, you don't earn enough to live independently even without any debt. Whether you stay with him or not, you're going to have to work more hours.

You're living with a liar, and it will never get better until you leave. If you want independence then you have to work more whether he's involved or not, so that's no difference. Cut your losses now, and try to keep things amicable for your child.

MRex · 16/06/2023 06:20

Garbled auto-incorrect. Should be:

  1. If he'd gone for IVA at under £10k then they would have recommended debt consolidation, so there's another lie in that one.
SmirnoffIceIsNice · 16/06/2023 06:34

I wouldn't marry this man in a million years. That aside you should demand full financial disclosure - look at his bank statements and get a clear picture of the amount of debt and how his money is being used each month. Ask him to explain any large cash withdrawals. Without that there is no relationship because he's a liar and a thief. If he refuses to disclose then speak to Women's Aid who will help you leave him and get you into a refuge away from him.

Endlesssummer2022 · 16/06/2023 06:41

I think those saying LTB should save their breath. It’s not worth it. The fact OP is even contemplating marrying this man shows she will never leave him. She’s only come on here to moan, not to take action.

I feel sorry for the poor DC in future when they can’t afford to go on any school trips or have birthday parties because of their feckless dad and clueless mum.

Original poster
Lidale · 16/06/2023 06:45

It's also annoying as I've had to ask to borrow off both my parents just to keep us going. Meanwhile he never asks anything of his family and I feel like he uses my family as a bank. Maybe not intentionally but indirectly. He has no shame when it's me asking them but too much shame to even ask his own.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 16/06/2023 06:46

It's not going to change. It's got worse since you met and had a child and you still don't know the full extent of the debt.

When you spoke to his parent, instead of being shocked and giving him a wake up they sided with him and are enabling him. I'll say it again, it won't change.

Go now

Original poster
Lidale · 16/06/2023 06:47

@Endlesssummer2022 don't feel sorry for my dc they never go without. Also didn't come on here to moan but just because I've not left him as soon as you all say go doesn't mean im doing nothing. I live with HIS family and have no where to go on my end.

OP posts:
DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 16/06/2023 06:50

Why on earth are you planning to marry him?

And you earn £500 a month? You need to increase your income, research your benefit entitlement and find a way out of there. This is completely unsustainable. You could be chucked out any moment as it is.

nannynick · 16/06/2023 06:51

Has he done the CAP money course? Does he listen to the Ramsey Show podcast almost every day? Has he spoken to debt advisers?
Does he use Debt Payoff Planner and show you on that app how the debts are going to be repaid. Can you see there being a timeline for when the debt is gone? Is he open with you about finances, and have at least monthly meetings with you to plan the month ahead budget?

He earns £2k, maybe. Can you see exactly where that money is going?

I expect the answer is no to everything. He is not showing you that he has changed his mindset around money. £1 payments are not him making an active repayment of the debt. £1k going to the smallest debt, every month, would be him showing that he is making an effort.

MRex · 16/06/2023 07:07

Lidale · 16/06/2023 06:45

It's also annoying as I've had to ask to borrow off both my parents just to keep us going. Meanwhile he never asks anything of his family and I feel like he uses my family as a bank. Maybe not intentionally but indirectly. He has no shame when it's me asking them but too much shame to even ask his own.

Never asks anything of them!?!?! He, you and your child she living with them - with all the costs, inconvenience, noise and mess that brings.

You haven't bothered responding on my previous message, so I'm just going to leave it there. Help yourself out in life or not, your choice.

QueSyrahSyrah · 16/06/2023 07:23

Lidale · 16/06/2023 06:45

It's also annoying as I've had to ask to borrow off both my parents just to keep us going. Meanwhile he never asks anything of his family and I feel like he uses my family as a bank. Maybe not intentionally but indirectly. He has no shame when it's me asking them but too much shame to even ask his own.

Didn't you say you LIVE with his family? Hardly 'asking nothing of them' is it?

I'm not sure what you're looking for from this thread OP. You asked when / if it would end and 100 of us have told you 'when you leave him' yet that doesn't seem to be the response you wanted?

Happyinmyowncompany · 16/06/2023 07:30

JandalsAlways · 16/06/2023 04:43

Of course you have money to leave. Its him that's costing you. Leave! Financial problems don't go away and are too much of a burden.

Show quote history

OP clearly stated she is minus on bank account

OrwellianTimes · 16/06/2023 07:37

Lidale · 15/06/2023 23:35

@REignbow I do put my child first. My child has a new wardrobe and plenty of shoes. New toys ect. I take my child out to play groups.

Even if it means rocking the same one pair of shoes until they get holes in for me. My child always comes first. I just feel like I don't.

You need to stop this and put yourself first.

Your child deserves to have a mother who is happy and able to dress herself and afford what she needs. Your child is young, they are cheap at that age. What are you going to do when they are 10 and need school uniforms, 4 different pairs of shoes, want swimming lessons, want to join a football club, want an Xbox for Christmas, and want to go to alton towers with all their mates.

You are not going to afford any of that if you stay with this man. You won’t afford basic holidays and you won’t know how you can fix your car or buy a new one. Your are putting your child last behind this gambler.

You deserve so much better than this. He’s a gambler and a liar (“investing in stocks” IS GAMBLING).

Just get out. He’s not going to change.

EggInANest · 16/06/2023 07:43

t got as bad as my dp stole money from his dparents and they turned a blind eye from it as they thought he had good intentions since he was using the money to buy more stocks to make us rich quick

STOLE money from his parents?

Steals from his parents, lies to you, his partner and mother of his child?

And as for the mentality of parents of a young adult who still needs to get financial references for a rental or mortgage that bankruptcy is no big deal…

OP, can you talk to your family? It might be that they would prefer to support you to separate rather than keep feeding the ever running drain of your DP’s spending, gambling and financial chaos.

Please look into what benefits you would be entitled to to live as a single Mum while you get control over your own life. Would your family help with childcare for a short while? Build up your savings. Your child doesn’t need more than one pair of shoes, and apart from birthdays and Christmas, get toys, books and clothes second hand. This is far better than bringing a child up with no financial security or stability.

But do this for YOUR future.

PostOpOp · 16/06/2023 07:54

OP you need to leave him. He's using you in the most horrible way. You are completely bound because you're living in his parents' home so on his turf so to speak.

You need a plan. You need to figure out a way to get out of the house. Maybe some posters can have an idea. You need to increase your income. Can you get more hours at work?

If you can get more hours but can't afford childcare, please realise that this means not only have your savings been depleted directly from being with him, but you're being used as unpaid childcare so he can work..which also means you're unpaid childcare while he works and increases his pension while you reduce yours.

You need your additional income to be saved.

I'm going to bet that this man is manipulative and you're a really kind person who doesn't want to hurt or upset someone you love and you're probably not a lover of conflict. You need to realise, however, that it's not unkind to stand up for yourself and assert boundaries. You need to be kind to yourself. You need clothes without holes. The fact that he's ok with you going without on the basis of his debts is a clear sign that whatever he feels for you or thinks he does truly isn't love. Ditto with the lying.

You should not marry him, you shouldn't do anything other than get yourself back on your feet. Realistically too, if he was to leave you in two years, where would you and DC be? You need to secure your own future. He's been securing his via your savings and work!

Can you/have you told your parents all of this? You need support in RL.

OP, seriously, it's horribly corny, but you matter. You really do. This guy has played a part in manipulating you to think you don't, or you don't as much.

PS is he actually, definitely paying your car insurance? You might want to periodically double check that...

inloveandmarried · 16/06/2023 08:05

If you are able, get him to transfer an amount on his payday every month to cover bills, expenses, whatever his contribution should be each month. Make it a direct debit so it's automatic.

Then you control this. He gets left with whatever is leftover.

Do not link credit cards with him or joint bank accounts or any form of joint finance.

And absolutely don't marry him. Any future joint assets will be seized to cover his future debt.

This just won't end. So take solid steps to protect yourself or leave him.