To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

Absolutely that. A husband and wife are not s single unit. They are two separate people, and no partner HAS to be told every single thing that their other half is told.

I'd be absolutely horrified to find that a friend that I'd trusted with my deepest worries had deliberately told their partner, after I'd said it was confidential.

@MovinGroovinBarbie

wrong thread maybe? 😂

Wtf, not sure how I posted this in the wrong thread!

@RightWhereYouLeftMe "She'd still have to lie eventually. Because at some point they'll be told "officially" and she'll have to put on an act of surprise." Well, no. Because it wouldn't matter then, would it?

I don’t keep secrets from my dh either - but then I know he’d never blab.
If SiL really did have to tell her dh, she should have made it crystal clear that he was to keep it to himself.

Thank you @Ghosttofu99

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER "I don’t keep secrets from my dh either - but then I know he’d never blab."

Even if it's not your secret to tell?

HAVE TO? of course not.

But I want to be able to talk with my husband if I want to. In the same token, I expect any of my friends to speak with their partners if they chose to do so.

"confidential" doesn't apply to couples as far as I know.

Maybe not with a one night stand 😂, likely to be someone I'd never bump into in real life, but in a movie, that would end up being my boss or something.

I imagine your BIL would be upset if his wife knew before he did

Just because I wouldn’t have secrets with my partner, it doesn’t mean I would tell him everything.

Quite

You put her and yourself in a difficult position by telling her and then saying you wanted it to be a secret.

Did she fuck. There is nothing intrinsically difficult in keeping a confidence. You must keep your mouth shut.

I managed to be married to the most lovely man for forty years, without ever needing to spill my friends' confidences to him. It didn't belittle our relationship in any way, and if my late DH had discovered that I'd told him something that is been asked to keep to myself, I'm pretty sure he'd have been disappointed in me. Privacy is important. Running to your partner with a juicy bit of gossip doesn't signify a great relationship. It just signifies that you have a loose tongue. And if you don't tell your other half this stuff it doesn't mean that you're not close. It means that you each have respect for your friends' privacy.

Until a couple of years ago, it never occurred to me that when I told friends something in confidence, that they'd go home and tell their husbands. It was a thread like this one that brought home to me that people do. So now I very rarely tell friends anything. It's a shame, but I want control of who I share things with. And I don't want to share with their husbands/partners.

"confidential" doesn't apply to couples as far as I know.

Of course it does! Whyever would it not?

at least more comfortable, I can't imagine having to watch what I tell my own husband in my own home.

I wouldn't resent any friend to need to confide to their husband or wife either. It goes both ways.

You can't imagine being comfortable by simply not saying something? It really is very easy.

So if you had an abortion that no-one else knew about, or if you were worried that your husband was having an affair, or if you had an embarrassing medical condition, you'd be happy for your friend's husband to know all the details?

Happy married thirty years too. I am sure you are a fab wife. But running to your husband with your friend’s private confidences makes you a shit friend

Oh dear, well I guess I am a shit friend then. That's a shame because I never thought of it that way. But I take your point absolutely. Just never, ever occurred to me to be anything other than honest and open with my husband, and him me.

No I think you were unreasonable to expect somebody to keep important information from their spouse. You should have picked somebody else to confide in if absolute confidence was your goal. My husband has two married brothers and I would not keep a secret from him at the request of one of his brothers wives. My husband is more important to me than his brothers wives and he and I also don’t have secrets from each other. If you didn’t want anybody to know before the grandparents to be, then you don’t tell anyone before the grand parents to be.

@RightWhereYouLeftMe

The SIL could actually say "oh, that is nice " or " oh that is unfortunate " whatever her feelings might br. She would not have to feign surprise at all.

It’s done now op

for goodness sakes don’t get in an arse with your SIL about this

Although I suspect you and your dh have made clear. What a start

My husband is more important to me than his brothers wives and he and I also don’t have secrets from each other.

@Aprilx Well good for you and your husband but I'm sure you wouldn't want your friends husband knowing intimate details about you, you share with a friend. It's a bit creepy as well imagining someone's DH who is little most than a friend of a friend listening to private information about me, hanging on the edge of his seat

I honestly can't get my head round this "hubby and I share everything - confidentiality doesn't apply to couples!" stuff. You're individual people with your own friends and your own lives.

Seriously, the mental gymnastics that some women go through to combine themselves that a confidence isn't really a confdence, boggles my mind.

It seems that there are people who simply can't relax at home unless they can say."hey Bob, did you know that Linda's got haemorrhoids?" or "would you believe it, Pete? Mary has an unexpected pregnancy and she's going to get an abortion without telling Tom"

I don't buy it. It's just an excuse to gossip. No-one else needs to know this stuff. It's perfectly easy to put it to the back of your mind and not mention it.