To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

combine

...convince

@Aprilx "My husband is more important to me than his brothers wives"
I'm sure he is. How do you get from that to "It's OK to break confidences."?

You are right to be honest and open with him about your own stuff. But you do not have the right to be open with other people's stuff when they've asked you to keep their confidence.
It's really not that difficult to see the difference surely?

"I don't buy it. It's just an excuse to gossip."

Possibly. There are other explanations too- some more worrying than others.

"Oh dear, well I guess I am a shit friend then. That's a shame because I never thought of it that way."
Brilliant. Maybe this thread has been beneficial.

Yes, it's incredibly wet. Up there with only having a joint email address.

YANBU

Some act as if it’s so difficult not to disclose information to their spouse who doesn’t need to be involved. It was a simple ask. Unfortunately, some people who can’t keep a secret from their spouse seem to only wait until after they’re told a secret to say that they can’t do so.

I couldn’t be friends with anyone who couldn’t keep a secret to themselves. I don’t even like hearing other people’s secret from people I know.

Bless, your bitterness is showing.

What kind of a wimpy woman blabs her friends' secrets to her husband? Really???

Yep. Apart from not respecting their friends confidences, where is these women's self respect? We're not appendages to our partners. We do not combine to be one person. We have different friends, different conversations, and we don't have to blurt it all out to our Lord and master in order to maintain a connection with him.

I couldn’t be friends with anyone who couldn’t keep a secret to themselves. I don’t even like hearing other people’s secret from people I know.

Same here. More than once I've stopped someone in their tracks and said "I'm not sure that Sue would want me to know about this, so you should probably not tell me any more"

"Oh dear, well I guess I am a shit friend then. That's a shame because I never thought of it that way."

Brilliant. Maybe this thread has been beneficial.

It has yes, thank you so much.

It has never dawned on me that the drunken confessions I share with friends might be shared with their DHs.
Mind you, as someone upthread says, would DH be interested that Linda's got piles? Probably not.

I think you're right.

Every time I read one of these threads, I appreciate my friends even more.

I would tell my dh anything. But then again the friends we have do know that all of us share things with our partners. If I don't want anyone to know, then I don't tell anyone!! She could have easily said she wouldn't tell anyone and then told her dh. I do know though dh wouldn't say anything if I told him.

Agree.

Out of interest, does this two hearts beating as one thing only happen on marriage? If your friend isn't wearing a ring, is it safe to confide in her?

That's actually kind of wonderful, @cornishcrusader . Thank you for reading this thread with an open mind and recognising something in your behaviour that you hadn't before.

You're basically a mumsnet unicorn!

Agreed.

Bless your poor unimaginative heart.

@Doteycat
"I think its so obvious here who has shitty relationships with crappy communiation with their husbands"

Care to elaborate?

But he absolutely has to know even if he's not interested, think of the damage to the relationship that keeping that info to yourself could cause.

I would be aware that the husband could know about it, so I would make the decision to tell or not tell based on that.

It's not up to me what my friend choses to share with her partner or not.

Contrary to what some posters are trying to say, there's a BIG difference between someone rushing home and greeting their partner with "listen to big juicy gossip I just learned" and someone having a discussion when the story comes up.

"People keep a million secrets from their partners and tell a million white lies"

do they? Are you confusing with over-sharing maybe? I don't have a running commentary about the most petty and mundane details of my life, I think I'd be long divorced if I did 😂, but I can't say I have million of secrets. Or any secret really?

I am more likely to speak about things that interest me, touch me, or are an interesting point of discussion than over-sharing things no one care about. Nothing is a "Secret" though?

But like everything in life there is nuance isn't there? I don't believe in me and DH having 'secrets' between us because we trust each other and it wouldn't leave our household if we both knew about something. It stems from childhood for me, there's un inherent pressure there to remember who knows what and tiptoeing around certain subjects in case you accidentally say something you're not meant to, as an adult I'm not interested in doing that in my own home.

BUT that is not the same as keeping the confidence of say, a friend on a personal subject, if something had no bearing on my DH at all then I would happily not tell him what I'd been told, why would I? I'm not keeping something from him, I'm just not sharing someone else's personal information, which would essentially be gossiping for gossips sake, there's a massive difference in my mind.

Or for instance keeping a secret for a time limit, because that person wants to tell them themselves etc, or presents Christmas which is a limited time thing, perfectly reasonable and acceptable.

In OPs case she was asking her SIL to actively keep a secret from her husband that will become common knowledge later on, and could even run the risk of someone else telling him and then she's either got to pretend to not know (lie) or admit she's known all along.. it's not a good position to put her SIL in and good for her for being honest. But I do think, that instead of a flippant afterthought comment asking to keep it to herself if you'd have said, can you please not tell your husband just yet as my husband really wants to tell him himself, she may not have had a problem with that? Who's to say they'd have even told the wider family anyway until everyone knew about it?