To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

This thread has taken a very weird, angry turn. Why are people so furious about other's relationships and judgemental about how they communicate. That is between each couple.

I tell my DH most things, as does he me. I am definitely not a surrendered wife, nor is he a pathetic husband. If someone asked me specifically not to tell, I wouldn't. However, if i told a married friend personal news, and it stayed within their four walls (and he had the common bloody sense not to say anything to me), I wouldn't really care.

@NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl
Generally if you wish to tell someone something that you want kept secret, you ask if they are willing to keep your secret before you disclose the information.

Going forward , you know that this is not the person in whom you should confide anything that you wish to be held in confidence.

I never tell anyone anything I don't want spread about. Once it's out you have no control over it. I'm well versed having a gold medalist in blabber mouthing DM.

But it wouldn't bother me being asked to keep it quiet. It's not my business to tell. I'm currently holding a few massive secrets about friends who confided in me. It's never crossed my mind to tell someone else's personal information to anyone - even DH.

Telling a friend is different to telling your husband, who will likely tell his parents, who will wonder why they are hearing it from him and not their son and DIL having the child.

No one is angry

No one is angry

I think when posters start to insult and abuse others they are.

Unless they are just trying to be goady I suppose.

I am a bit angry actually. I'm angry with people who think being married/in a relationship means the basic rules of respectful friendship no longer apply to them.

Of course she keeps secrets from her DH. Everybody has secrets and everybody lies, as a great doctor once said.

She's just being ridiculous.

Who has insulted you or abused you?

Sorry, didn’t mean to speak for you. I guess I meant no one is speaking in an abusive way.

@Mari9999 you’ve made me wonder…

I started the conversation saying something like, ‘I’ve got some news… I haven’t told any one yet but, I’m pregnant. Early days. I’ve been really sick already and I wanted to talk to someone who’s been through it about what to expect…’ I think if a friend said to me things like ‘not told anyone’ and ‘early days’ that would signal to me that it wasn’t information to be freely shared yet.

If I had said ‘I’d like to ask your advice on something but only if you keep it confidential’ is that not a bit dramatic? Is that the kind of thing some of you say? Would the friend not very quickly make a guess: pregnancy, engagement, divorce, affair anyway if you said that?

This is so strange. She didn't have to keep secrets from her husband. She just had to not share someone else's surprise news. It wasn't her secret to share and not sharing it should not have any impact on her husbands life or well-being. That said, at least she was upfront with you.

it's not about ME, but posters calling others "pathetic, surrendered, submissive wives, gobshite".. if that's not abusive, what is it?

It means they can't articulate a point and they find easier to insult, but it proves my point, so much anger and bitterness.

She sounds like a pompous idiot. Obviously, don’t keep secrets from your partner that affect them and your life, but ffs, you don’t HAVE to tell them everything!

it’s someone else’s good news- not some dark secret that could impact on the whole family.

what about all the lawyers, GPs, therapists etc who practice client confidentiality? Are they duty bound to tell their partners the private business of clients? Madness!

anyway - lesson learned. Don’t tell anyone. An old boss of mine told colleagues ‘ my job might come up as maternity cover when I was about 6 weeks pregnant and suffering extreme morning sickness. Lesson learned.

There is a difference between not lying to your DH and running straight to him with everything you know.
My friends have told me about abuse, failed pregnancies, sexual assault etc and I wouldn’t dream of going straight to tell DH.

I agree with this. I don't tell DH everything, but I don't like to actively lie. If I was the SIL in this scenario, I wouldn't want to end up in a situation where my husband says something like "have you heard from X recently" and then I either have to lie and say no, or I have to say yes, but then lie if he follows up with a question about how she is etc.

No one on this thread has called anyone else on this thread pathetic, surrendered, submissive wives, or gobshite.

You just say ‘she’s fine’. Which wouldn’t be a lie.

Literally quoting from this very thread...feel free to actually read it again

We just had a "pompous idiot" to add to the Angry Bingo

No one on this thread has called anyone else on this thread pathetic, surrendered, submissive wives, gobshite or pompous idiot.

Don't let this put a grey cloud over your news.

Now you know not to tell her another thing again.

Congratulations 💐

She sounds pathetic. Having to run bleating to her husband. Tell her nothing of note in future.

@RightWhereYouLeftMe "
I agree with this. I don't tell DH everything, but I don't like to actively lie. If I was the SIL in this scenario, I wouldn't want to end up in a situation where my husband says something like "have you heard from X recently" and then I either have to lie and say no, or I have to say yes, but then lie if he follows up with a question about how she is etc."

Or you could say "She's fine."

I think it’s fair to reach out for pregnancy support if you need it.

"People of colour are overrepresented on TV = complaining."

"You think there are too many black people on TV."

Except I actually said they were 'overrepresented in comparison to their prevalence in society' which isn't the same thing.

And it's also not the same as saying there are 'too many'.

'Too many' is a value judgement whilst the other is an factual statement based on numbers. For example, if 50% of the shows on TV were car shows most people would say this was 'too many' but I'd love it as I'm into fast cars. So clearly 'too many' is an ambiguous statement.

However, if 50% of the shows on TV were car shows and only 5% of the population watched them then you could say then were 'overrepresented in comparison with their viewing demographic'. Sadly, many of the woke seem to struggle to understand the difference between fact and opinion.

It's not complicated but if it makes you feel good to keep misquoting me and erroneously 'paraphrasing' my posts then please continue. Everybody else can see what I actually wrote.

She'd still have to lie eventually. Because at some point they'll be told "officially" and she'll have to put on an act of surprise.

My opinion may be coloured by the fact that I am a terrible liar. So if I said "she's fine" when actually she wasn't because she'd called to say she was extremely sick, DH would know instantly there was something else. And any faux surprise I had to show when I was "told" later on would be laughable. I'm equally bad at lying for myself.