To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

How does it ‘impact’ him and his family? Is he the father? What an absurd view.

Its happy news that should be shared when the parents are ready.

I dunno why but all my life people have confided in me with all sorts. I am mostly ok with keeping confidences, but I do have a policy that I tell people ahead of time that I will keep nothing from my partner. Saves on these kinds of dramas going forward. People simply won’t come to me if they don’t want my partner also knowing.

This, it makes me furious.

Why can't some people maintain any level of separation or independence when they're in a relationship?!

YABU on the basis that you waited until after you’d told her before checking she would keep in quiet. You need to check before!

wasnt he business to say anyting-allthis i dont keep secrets it wasnt her secret to tell

Keeping a friends confidence = a shitty relationship. Some people just like to treat their friends with respect. It's ok if you're not one of those.

"pathetic, surrendered wife, gobshite"

wow, it really is triggering for some people.

I´m sorry this has happened to you. Her answer is ridiculous. But we live and learn. Do not trust her with anything again, at arms length.

I dont think its absurd to say someone might not feel comfortable keeping a secret about their partners family from them. If my partner knew my sister was pregnant and didnt tell me I would feel hurt (rightly or wrongly) which is why I dont think it's fair to put someone in that position. You can disagree with me if that's your opinion but to call it absurd it overly dramatic.

MN is full of submissive surrendered types who defer to their important husbands on many things.

Imagine.

Your friend discloses some personal info say about a gynae condition that might affect her fertility and asks you to keep a secret. And then the gossipy submissive wives on here would feel compelled to run and share with their husbands. It’s embarrassing and pathetic.

MN is full of women who have bitter shitty relationships with their husbands and judge everyone by their own experiences.

YABU.

They're a couple and clearly close to each other so why wouldn't she tell her husband?? It's not like they would then go and tell everyone else. They'd keep it a secret between themselves.

You didn't need to rush and then tell everyone else. That was your choice to do that.

Congratulations though.

YANBU It's not her secret to tell It's yours
Congratulations

@Doteycat
I think its so obvious here who has shitty relationships with crappy communiation with their husbands . And its not the ones calling it pathetic.
Its a shame some people are so bitter.

Me and my husband have a wonderful relationship thank you very much. Plenty to talk about without needing to be gossips. Just because I don't tell him about Sarah's miscarriage or how Louise got sexually assaulted at work the other week doesn't mean we have an inferior marriage thank you very much.
I also have wonderful relationships with my children, family and friends. And I respect everyones trust and don't need to defer to DH about everything.

ok...

and a female friend who doesn't keep secrets from her wife? Does she get the same abuse, or is it just when a MAN is involved?

Let's not even go if the husband tells his wife something.

what a lot of anger.

And I respect everyones trust and don't need to defer to DH about everything.

who's talking about "deferring to"? Can't you have a conversation with your own husband as an equal? Can't you appreciate most people do?

@mainsfed "If he found out she knew and didnt tell him he may have an issue with that."

If he has an issue that's an entirely different problem.

Actually I think SIL was a bit spiteful. It was only a matter of keeping quiet for a couple of weeks, and she took away DH’s chance to give his DB the good news himself.

This is not about withholding critical information or being unable to speak freely with your partner. It’s spoiling someone else’s surprise. How does she cope with birthdays & Christmas - does she manage to keep his presents a secret or does she have to tell him the minute she gets back from the shops?

Congratulations & I hope you’re feeling better soon!

*ok...

and a female friend who doesn't keep secrets from her wife? Does she get the same abuse, or is it just when a MAN is involved?

Let's not even go if the husband tells his wife something.

what a lot of anger.*

Of course it's the same. The same if someone was to tell their mum a friends confidence. It's still breaking the confidence and trust of a friend. Nothing to do with the partner being a man.

@Febreezefantastic "and a female friend who doesn't keep secrets from her wife? Does she get the same abuse, or is it just when a MAN is involved?

Let's not even go if the husband tells his wife something."

If anyone is told something in confidence, they tell NO ONE! Regardless of sex, gender, sexuality or relationship. It's quite simple.

I'm just astounded that there are people who think it's even remotely ok to share someone else's confidential information with someone else. Husband or wife.

My sister and I sometimes share things and ask the other not to tell our mum until we're ready. It's ok to do that.

Someone else's personal information isn't yours to share unless they explicitly say you can. It doesn't matter whether you like that or not, it's not your fucking information to talk about.

How is this not obvious?

Firstly, I can just quite easily say “I’m off out to see X”. I don’t need to make some odd cloak and dagger mystery around going to see a friend for any reason, be it good or bad. Sadly, last year my friend was raped. I did not share this with my DH and did not disclose my reasons for going to see her because the last thing she needed when she’d been through that was worrying that my DH knew and whether he might accidentally slip up. Perhaps you need to give your DH a good reason for leaving your kids so you feel like you can’t just keep it breezy and say we’re off for a girls lunch or a catch up?
Secondly, saying it goes no further doesn’t make sense as you’ve literally made it go further already. What if your DH just MUST share the secret and gossip about it like you’ve done by sharing it with him? What if he slips up and says something to someone else? It’s so naive to think that people don’t intentionally or unintentionally pass on information. You admit to intentionally doing it yourself, whether the person you have shared it with wants you to or not.

Thanks @tattygrl and @Pinkyhere, you've articulated very well how I'm feeling. I don't think I would want to extrapolate from this anything about how spouses should always behave, but I do still think it would be reasonable to expect there to be exceptions, and consideration for friendships, and so on. I do feel a bit lonelier afterwards.

Interestingly enough, my DH was really on board with me telling her - I hesitated because of potential family awkwardness re his brother but he thought that my having the option to confide in a friend who had experience that could help me was the most important thing.

Thanks again for the congratulations from PPs, that's lovely 😊