To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

So the op shouldn’t have said anything in the first place presumably following that logic

But the op has never clarified whether she has ever confided in her SIL before

because SIL never agreed to that at any point and was only asked at the very end at which point she declined? She has a right to choose who she tells and who she doesn't, whether she's right or wrong to do that is really besides the point, once the information is out there it's too late to hold them to it.

I think this post proves that there's a very mixed response when it comes to who would and who wouldn't want to tell their partner. I think it was better for SIL to make her position clear than say she'll keep it secret then tell her partner anyway though.

I personally think it's unreasonable to burden a single person with a family secret (which WILL become common knowledge) for an indefinite amount of time and not allow them to share that burden with their partner (the crux of that for me is because there's a chance her partner could find out elsewhere and be hurt it was kept from him). Unless there was a time limit or a good reason for her to keep it secret from her partner (which wasn't mentioned in the OP or by the OP, so we can only assume there wasn't one offered) I don't think she should have been asked to do that in the first place, wider family yes, partner no.

Actually I think I have if you read my posts.

I can see how it was awkward for you, but I’d struggle to keep big news a secret from my husband too. Not because I think he’d mind, but secrets just weigh on me and I wouldn’t be able to relax if I knew I couldn’t talk about them in my own home.

You absolutely 100% desperate for family not to know. It’s really important to both you and your husband .

and there really was no one else* *you could ask Op aside from your SIL. Your family. Your husband’s brother who your husband was desperate to tell himself. Not even mumsnet 🤔

Its so weird that people are saying the OP put her SIL in a difficult position by asking her not to tell anyone. Not betraying a confidence isn't keeping a secret from your husband. Can married couples really not hold on to confidential information these days?

Are you referring going lingerie shopping with her?!

I think you’re reading a lot of motivations and drama into this @HandsupSue. I considered DSIL a friend. I thought it was reasonable and common to share pregnancy news with one trusted friend for early support. I was and am concerned by the level of sickness I feel and really wanted personal reassurance- we all do sometimes. It seems I chose badly.

?
Your post doesn't make sense.

My post is about things that I'm told by others, in confidence. OP was sharing her own confidence. So was in the opposite position.

The time you confided on her where she did keep a secret… are you seriously using going lingerie shopping with her as your example of her having shown in the past she doesn’t tell her husband secret stuff (in any event, how on earth would you have known)

Questions I'd love answers to.

1. Do people share work confidentialities with their husbands/wives?

1. At what point in a relationship does it become OK to share confidences?

You never ever ever told your best friend a single personal thing about your marriage

correct?

It wasn’t her “own” though.

it was also her husband’s

Exactly. I see a confidentiality as different from a secret.

Like a pp, my job required me to keep both personal and administrative issues confidential. Surely no-one would say that in doing so, I was keeping secrets from my husband?

There's no specified order to tell people but l think it's unusual to ask your SIL not to tell her husband of your pregnancy. Firstly, well he's her husband, and secondly it's his brothers child so 'closer to him than her.
Either way it's out.
Congratulations. The people that matter the most are looking forward to bringing a new life into the world.

This isn’t just a “friend” though

it is so very strange to me that people can’t see the difference between a friend with absolutely no skin in the game

and the wife of the only blood relation in the quartet

Op what is the cultural background? Because there must be some kind of family dynamics seeing as you’re all scared of bil finding out and panic and tell the rest of the family prematurely I am guessing you are not that stupid and you assumed because sil made the right noises, you had her ‘on side’ in the in law power dynamics and now you’re upset because your motivations of befriending her have backfired and you’re annoyed about that because it’s caused issues with the wider family, not because you’re heart broken about her blabbing. I may be completely about everything but you don’t seem to be correcting me.

I don’t get the logic that this then makes me to have “watch what I say” at home because in my view it would be appalling for me to tell him my friend had an affair/has cancer/hates her mother etc.

To me it depends on if they affect your husband or not, I'm sure none of those things you mentioned above, if he find out from someone else about them, wouldn't bother him in the slightest that you already knew and didn't share it.

Your husband finding out his brother and wife are having a child and you knew and kept it secret from him for no good reason, would surely have him questioning why he's been kept in the dark? Especially if it wasn't you that told him and he found out elsewhere. If I was the wife I'd feel uncomfortable keeping that secret and If I was the husband in that scenario I'd be put out as to the seeming lack of trust from the SIL and wife.

Keeping your friends confidences to me is something else entirely and isn't the same thing as what OP is describing.

No, you’ve misunderstood several things there

I suspect that the “must blab to my other half” posters on this thread also don’t understand the implications of GDPR.

Or do you manage not to discuss work issues at home? 🤔

So you have confided personal information before to her? And I don’t mean when you went honeymoon lingerie shopping with her!

They probably don’t work. They are at home being good loyal wives 😏

Its so weird that people are saying the OP put her SIL in a difficult position by asking her not to tell anyone. Not betraying a confidence isn't keeping a secret from your husband. Can married couples really not hold on to confidential information these days?

I think the fact that it was his family makes it muddier.

I've kept loads of secrets from my dh, mostly relating to friends/work, I.e. cheating husbands. All totally irrelevant to him. I was told for support which I provided. In one case of cheating husbands, he found out later and wasn't fussed that I'd known for a long time because it wasn't his business. All the other cases to the best of my knowledge, he still doesn't know.

A couple of years ago my mil told me a secret which pertained to fil and like the OP, asked me to keep the secret after she'd told me. Given it was health related, I was really uncomfortable but I kept my word and supported her as best I could. Finally when treatment and side effects meant they told everyone, they let slip I'd known for months. Dh and his siblings were really hurt both by the fact that mil had confided in me over them and that I hadn't told dh who would have told them. In fact it led to the first serious row dh and I have ever had because he thought my loyalties to him should be stronger than my loyalties to his parents.

I'm not sure what I'd do in similar circumstances.

First question, I didn’t and my DH didn’t either. I would not want to lose my job and more because I couldn’t keep confidential information that my spouse didn’t need to know to myself. Many jobs require employees to sign agreements about not disclosing confidential and personal information and the penalties for some include criminal and legal action. Why risk it?

Second question, I think when a person has shown they can be trusted to keep them. I have people who have told me pretty major things and I don’t see the reason to tell others because if they wanted others to know, they would have told them themselves (barring emergency situations).