To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

*Because this wasn’t “good news”

this was the OP very worried about extreme vomiting hence seeking advice.*

Of course it was, she was told the reason for the vomiting.

Most male partners really couldn’t give a flying fig about news like this beyond “oh that’s nice”

So you can really keep it to yourself then.

But the OP clearly and specifically asked SIL not to tell anyone. Why do you think SIL was right to ignore that and tell her DH straight away?

I know I'm over posting, but I simply can't get my head around people having so little respect and thoughtfulness towards their friends who ask, for good reasons, that they keep some information to themselves for a while.

I know I'm over posting, but I simply can't get my head around people having so little respect and thoughtfulness towards their friends who ask, for good reasons, that they keep some information to themselves for a while.

Me too, im so glad none of my friends are like this. Mine respect my confidence, as I do to theirs.

They could all be lying, but we tend to agree that what's shared as confidence, stays between us.

I've known one blabbermouth who actually asked me why I never had anything to tell her, when she always told me things. I told her it's because she talked too much, that I'd never trust her with anything. Folks have a way of showing themselves.

I know I've never shared a friend's secret with another friend, partner or family member and I trust they do the same.

My mom actually taught us to manage our mouths, so she'd set me straight if I tried telling her anyone's private business 😔. For that reason, I know I could trust her with anything.

I mean, if people are scared their partners will react badly if it's found out they kept a confidence-I know a couple of posters have said the BIL "might not be happy" I suppose that does change things a bit.....

I’ve gone to another room or put my earphones in. I grew up listening to family members talking about other people’s business which I was pretty sure by the sounds of it, we’re not things they wanted disclosed to others.

It may be considered antisocial to some but I rather be antisocial than a gossip even more so if they’re happy to talk about others, how do I know they won’t do the same to me.

You might not understand, let alone agree, but you must be aware that some friends will confide in their own partner. Up to you if you want whatever news to be shared or not.

As someone said upthread, if you want to keep a secret, you don't tell anyone.

If this was a “friend”. I agree l
but this wasn’t just a friend

this “friend” was married to the only blood relation in the quartet.

Doesn’t stop them from talking though. People all the time talk about things that they don’t care about even just to add to the conversation to feel included.

The op told her dh she was going to tell SIL

odd that he was fine with that despite being so very anxious about his brother finding out

i am surprised he didn’t say “is there seriously no one else you can ask? What about… mumsnet?!”

This thread has really surprised me in the number of people who don’t protect confidences entrusted by their friends. DH and I work in areas where it’s important professionally to be very aware of this and just have the same approach at home.

I don’t get the logic that this then makes me to have “watch what I say” at home because in my view it would be appalling for me to tell him my friend had an affair/has cancer/hates her mother etc. My friend is trusting me not DH (who is equally trustworthy but sees no need to know private things about everyone). How does this equate to a ‘poor’ marriage? No idea! We are both absolutely fine with not knowing everything and trust each other.

Surely we need to have friends we can discuss worries with without thinking they might be shared with someone we don’t have the same level of friendship with. Makes me feel sad this is commonplace, but hopefully my close friends are like those of you who can keep stuff to yourselves and have some integrity.

Congratulations OP!!!!

But it’s a secret that was going to likely come out eventually so there was no need to tell her DH.

Guess OP should have just called it a surprise and maybe her SIL would choose to keep it to herself.

I don’t get the logic that this then makes me to have “watch what I say” at home.

So this the the op and her husbands first child
possibly the brother’s first niece or nephew
you don’t think in 5 weeks it could well slip out something along the lines of “oh I wonder whether we will have much baby stuff to pass on” or “won’t it be exciting when we introduce the cousins?” Or “I wonder if they’ll still be over at Christmas”

that kind of thing

Or perhaps

“I have something I’d like to talk to you about but before I do, it’s quite important I tell you to please keep to yourself as very personal to me”

would have given the sil the chance to state her stance

In forty years of marriage I never slipped up like that. With my DH or anyone else. If you take confidentiality seriously, if you care about the friend, it doesn't happen.

You might think I was "watching what I say" but in reality it didn't feel that way.

Good on you @saraclara

You are really gracious. I am sure you are a good friend in many other ways though!

@saraclara

to be fair though, you wouldn’t have said anything in the first place

As I said, my best friend of fifteen years, is male. But I've never once discussed my relationship with my (now late) husband with him. You just don't. Your friend has been very unfair in sharing something so huge about their relationship.

Gosh. My first stalker.

And yes, I respect my friends and family, and don't share anything that they wouldn't want me to. I didn't realise that this is quite rare on mumsnet.

Perhaps.

Maybe I’m in the minority but if I fully trust someone, I wouldn’t need to give a disclaimer before revealing information to them because they have already proven themselves worthy of that trust to begin with.

There is one person I know who would instantly blab to her husband. So I don’t tell her anything personal at all. My other friends I trust completely. I know who I feel closest to.

Exactly this is the angle I’m coming from. The sil lives with her in laws including the bil overseas, so the dynamic is very different to simply being best pals with op as op is portraying. I can guess sil was worried it would come out that she knew before everyone else, maybe she doesn’t trust op wouldn’t keep that quiet or her own husband knowing sil knew all along and she’s worried about the drama because if they are those types then believe me there will be drama -I don’t know the cultural background but certainly in south Asian culture overseas there are hierarchies and dil are expected to be loyal to the patriarchy, so maybe this is what’s happening here and op didn’t read the room perhaps due to ignorance which is easily done if you’re not living in that environment. Like I said earlier much easier googling and/or asking mumsnet than speaking to a woman overseas who is too closely related to expect that kind of loyalty from, after all I’m assuming she was married to bil before and became loyal to him and his family before she met and became ‘friends’ with op.

I have to maintain high standards of confidentiality at work. Around who actually needs to know this sensitive info etc. I think this seeps into my personal life. My mum always told me not to gossip too.

I am more than happy with my own standards of personal integrity. And thankfully my kids have grown up knowing not to engage in gossip. But also to be loyal to friends.

I laughed at the joint email address comment earlier. It is like couples where the woman says, ‘we come as a package’. What happened to your own identity?!

Most often than not you'll know the ones to avoid telling anything of substance.