To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

I love that you assume that none of your friend would ever have a private discussion with their partner. Or their mum, or sister.

Op you’re obviously a seasoned mumsnetter if you name changed for this thread

why the heck didn’t you just ask mumsnet rather than your sil?! 😂

But the subject doesn't NEED to come up. In the OP's case, it was highly unlikely that SIL's husband would randomly start a discussion about OP's fertility. And SIL.openly said that she'd tell him straight away. So basically she WAS rushing home to tell him, despite knowing that OP didn't want her to.

If you want something kept secret just don't tell anyone, that's the only way you can guarantee that. Someone could just lie to you and you wouldn't even know! Sorry but the moment you tell one person, it's not a secret anymore.

I was told quite early on when my daughter in law was pregnant, they just told their parents and asked us to keep it to ourselves until the 12 week scan, which we did. It was difficult to hold the excitement in, but we managed it. I can understand your sister in law telling her husband but they should have left you to make the announcement to everyone else when you chose to.
Big congratulations on your news.

Of course they have private discussions. But they don't have to be about someone else's confidences.

Jeeze, this thread is depressing.

How far then does this secret sharing bollocks go - should DH tell you about the confidential staff issue his subordinate had to disclose, for example? Or if he's a nurse does that mean that patient confidentiality is moot because he has to go home and tell wifey that Mr Jones from up the road has haemorrhoids? Or if he's a policeman is he going to breach work confidentiality to tell you that your mum's mate is a shoplifter? Like fuck.

SIL knew we were TTC for ages. She also clocked when I was 7 weeks along, and estatic for me. But the shocked happiness on her husband's face months later when we announced we were expecting was genuine, he's not that good an actor! And they are the most perfect example of how a married couple communicate that I've ever met.

Anyway OP, now you know not to trust her with a damn thing ever again.
I'm like that with DM now.

Congratulations @NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl. sorry you didn’t have your SIL’s confidence, it must be difficult when you think you can trust someone and then find out that their feelings differ from yours.

I wanted to ask about your parents reaction; you said it wasn’t positive? Was that just because you told them early? That seems like an odd reaction to have to a new grandchild?

what's depressing is the refusal to admit the difference between gossip for the sake of it, and adults having normal private conversations when something can come up, or one wanting to offload something heavy on their partner.

The need to keep secret sounds a bit childish. You know your partner, you know what information would HIM /HER in a delicate position and that you avoid, but everything else, it's just silly.

There is absolutely nothing childish about respecting a friend's confidence. Nothing.

Blabbing to one's partner without permission, on the other hand, is immature and disrespectful.

We're not going to agree on this subject, clearly.

@Febreezefantastic "Contrary to what some posters are trying to say, there's a BIG difference between someone rushing home and greeting their partner with "listen to big juicy gossip I just learned" and someone having a discussion when the story comes up."

There isn't, you know. You say there is, because it makes you feel better. But there is no difference at all.

You’re aware of family politics, you acknowledge that some people will be ‘hurt’ or want to cause drama if you don’t do things in the ‘correct’ order but you went ahead and told the wife, who I assume didn’t want her Dh finding out later knowing that you (rightly or wrongly) told his wife and not him and that she didn’t tell him and couldn’t trust him etc. You say it’s okay to tell things to female relative for support but you’re being naive, I’m not sure if this is a cultural thing as if so I can relate but either way some in law families are big on family politics and your sil chooses the family before your perceived friendship (I learned this ‘on the job’ myself and realised these relationships are never genuine) so she didn’t want potential aggro from her husband just as you were worried he would be hurt if it didn’t come directly from his own family. You just need to be wiser in the future. I bet she is more than happy to hear your personal things but never tells you her business. She will probably tell you stuff that has nothing to do with her family or your bil but will tell you stuff that doesn’t concern anyone in the family. If that is the case then you know this friendship is only one way. Find other friends, I mean you went out of your way to tell someone in a different country so I find that odd, I have navigated most of my pregnancy stuff thanks to mumsnet as anyone i knew irl had very easy pregnancies so it was odd that you thought sil would understand as everyone experiences are different but no doubt sil was happy to listen and offer ‘support’ be careful in the future.

Perhaps their partners are good at keeping quiet so you never know! 😂

You began the conversation with “I haven’t told anyone else yet”

not exactly an explicit instruction not to tell her husband and indeed your husband’s brother ie presumably MUCH closer to him than she is

*There is absolutely nothing childish about respecting a friend's confidence. Nothing.

Blabbing to one's partner without permission, on the other hand, is immature and disrespectful.*

Definitely. It's like telling a secret to children, they can't wait to tell others.

Fully agree.

Baffles me that some people would feel compelled to tell their OH personal details of a third party after being explicitly asked not to.

I agree. There's a difference between "I will rush home and instantly relay word for word everything we have spoken about" and not promising to keep something a secret.

I know this doesn't seem to apply to OP's situation but more generally I also think that when you ask someone to keep something a secret, you don't necessarily know what that might mean to them. Eg a friend you've just told you're pregnant and asked not to tell anyone might be struggling with infertility and be upset by the news. Should she lie if her partner sees she's been crying? Sure, she could be vague about who but if he knows she was out to lunch with friend X, it's probably pretty obvious if she then is upset by an unnamed friend's pregnancy.
I have pretty severe PTSD from being raped a few years ago. If a friend told me she had been raped I would probably struggle immensely to not talk to my husband about that because supporting someone through a rape is hard, and would bring up a lot of stuff for me that I would really need support for myself. (I'll add that if any of my friends who are aware of my rape felt like they had to speak to their partners about it, I would be ok with that. I told them because I trust them, and by that I don't mean I trust them not to tell, but that I trust their judgement, and that they care about me, and that they wouldn't tell anyone just to gossip).

It doesn't make me feel better at all, of course there's a difference, If you can't see it, that's not my problem.

Go back to my example. Someone who just had a miscarriage and just been told IN CONFIDENCE that a close friend is pregnant is doing nothing wrong in confiding in her partner about the upset, and the need to keep a happy face. It's only an example among many.

If people want to discuss with their partners who they can trust, it's a good thing. These threads prove that's it's very common and such a non-issue.

Most male partners really couldn’t give a flying fig about news like this beyond “oh that’s nice”

In that example I'd say "one of my friends told me she was pregnant today. It's hit me hard" rather than "Hannah told me she is pregnant today. It's hit me hard."

Again. Not difficult. Both bring up the speaker's unhappiness. Only one betrays the friend's trust.

The third party being the brother of the father.

rather than just “pretty close” sis in laws

So why tell them?

OK. At what point in a relationship does it become OK-or desirable- or even obligatory to share your friends' confidences? I think it would be useful to know, just for reference.

Because this wasn’t “good news”

this was the OP very worried about extreme vomiting hence seeking advice.

so a bit different.

I think her approach is pretty childish. She’s framing it as something to be smug about morally (‘we never keep secrets from each other’) when actually this is about being mature enough to respect someone’s medical information about pregnancy and their right to reveal it to people when they choose. She seems to view keeping damaging secrets from her partner as equal to not opening her mouth for a week when asked not to. Huge difference. So, never tell her anything again. She’s got a big mouth and is proud of her ‘honesty’.