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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby name entitlement

160 replies

Pregnantforwaytoolong · 15/06/2023 07:56

My sister and I are both pregnant. I’m due about a month before she is, she’s having a boy, we’re waiting til birth to find out.

Initially she told me a boys names she’d like to use so obviously I took that off my list. However she now keeps adding to her list and we’re up to about 6 or 7 boys names that’s she considering and I’m guessing doesn’t want me to use. She hasn’t directly said it’s heavily implied. Such as randomly testing ‘oh btw we also like Jack’ for example, I’ll say ‘oh yea we also like that one’ and she’ll reply ‘well we’re not sure if we’re going to use it yet’ 👀.

As we’re not sure what we’re having, we’re thinking about naming baby after my mum if we have a girl. Sister also isn’t keen as ‘is that fair, then yours will be the favourite’.

I feel this is getting a bit silly, one name of she’s really likes it and doesn’t want us to use , fair enough, but after that she just needs to accept what we call our baby even if it’s on her ‘possibles’ list. There are a couple I really like and liked before she ‘claimed’ them.

on the other hand they’re are still
plenty of other names??

AIBU?

Also is it worth discussing or just dealing with any fallout if/when baby arrives?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 15/06/2023 12:04

Cross post @PoppedNotFried

Original poster
Pregnantforwaytoolong · 15/06/2023 12:05

Thanks so much for all the feed back

I’m really undecided on my boys name and so picking a top 3 for me will be difficult but at the same time I’d have no problem there being two ‘Jacks’, if she went for the same name as me. I just want to love the name I choose.

@MumblesParty I think it’s lovely, not bonkers. Each to their own. My mums name is beautiful and suits all ages.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick great username

I’ll ask her is there one she’ll be devastated if I use it and agree to avoid, but note everything else is up for grabs. My boys middle name is set, DH family name, which I don’t think she likes anyway. There is one girls name I’d never use that she’s liked since her teens, so I’ll put that to her.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 15/06/2023 12:06

Mikimoto · 15/06/2023 11:28

Well if she wants her son to be the "favourite", and your mum is called, say, Jennifer, ask sis if she wants to call her son Jennifer.

Jennifred? 🤔

Gardenoverflow · 15/06/2023 12:08

Mere baby name issues aside, I'd make an agreement with your sister to TRY not to be too competitive about milestones/grandparents/etc over the next 20 years!It's going to be a long road ahead as you're both going to have PFBs at the same time. I'd try to acknowledge it beforehand...

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 15/06/2023 12:13

I agree, one preferred boys name to veto is fair enough, not a long list. And as she is not having a girl you can you any girls name.

Grumpusaurus · 15/06/2023 12:21

Well, not really a problem is it, as you get to pick first since they cannot really register a name for a fetus!

SweetBirdsong · 15/06/2023 12:31

Fancylike · 15/06/2023 08:44

I suspect whatever name you use, when your baby is born first there will be a big song and dance about how your stole “her name”. You can’t win by playing into these kinds of games. Just tell her you’ve chosen your names and that’s that.

This. ^ OMG, your sister sounds like a nightmare @Pregnantforwaytoolong . It's a shame that she's not having her baby first. Then she would have named her baby already. But she sounds so childish and petty and ludicrous, that I wouldn't put it past her to want to change her baby's name to yours baby's name when it's 4-5 weeks old, and say 'wah wah wah! I wanted that name... '😢

I don't remember this being a thing when I was having mine (early to mid 1990s.) I got pregnant, had the pregnancy, had the baby, then named the baby fairly quickly. (Each time.) NO-ONE questioned anything. All my (8) cousins did the same. I don't recall anyone demanding to know what name I was going to use, or telling me I couldn't use a particular name. So odd.

JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 12:32

Gardenoverflow · 15/06/2023 12:08

Mere baby name issues aside, I'd make an agreement with your sister to TRY not to be too competitive about milestones/grandparents/etc over the next 20 years!It's going to be a long road ahead as you're both going to have PFBs at the same time. I'd try to acknowledge it beforehand...

This is such a good point. At first I thought how exciting it would be to be pregnant at the same time, but I can see how it could also get stressful as well

VapeHelp · 15/06/2023 12:33

We had this with a cousin due around the same time I was. We knew we were having a boy and what he would be called, but they also insisted on using that name. The mutual grandma was not happy. Fortunately, mine arrived two days before theirs, and we waited with bated breath to see if they’d copy it. They took it as a middle name in the end but still seem peeved, 15 yea

VapeHelp · 15/06/2023 12:33

…15 years later

justpushingthrough · 15/06/2023 12:34

Your due the month before her so you have first dibs....unless shes told you " we are naming baby boy Jack" and refers to baby as Jack whilst shes pregnant, then i think that would be a bit mean.

But as she hasn't decided or made a choice you can name your baby what you want .

millymog11 · 15/06/2023 12:36

maybe it was the family i grew up in but I find the point of this whole thread totally baffling.
You and your husband/partner are having a baby. Basically you and your husband/partner are the only people to be consulted in picking a name for your baby. Maybe it will be inconvenient / annoying if you end up picking the exact same name that your sister ends up picking for her baby, but the point is, this is a name for your own baby who carries that name for the rest of their life. Above everything else it must be a name which you and your partner like and want and feel is right for the new human being who will soon be part of your family. The "our entire family including extended family members/friends etc get to veto the name choice" is just strange. What if in the future you don't spend much time with your sister? You will have made a lifelong decision for your baby based on someone who is no longer in your life.

oakleaffy · 15/06/2023 12:40

Call your child whatever you like..Your sister cannot 'Own' names, that's ludicrous.

In our family two people have the same name- It's not a problem.

AndDoTheTangoInTheNightTAAAAAANGOOO · 15/06/2023 12:44

Just name the baby whatever you want to name them. You shouldn't have discussed names at all, you both just need to do your own thing. Whoever gives birth first names their child whatever they like, whoever is second picks whatever they like. I just wouldn't entertain conversation on it. I never found out the sex of our children until birth and I never discussed names, in fact 2 of our children were only named a few days after they arrived.

SweetBirdsong · 15/06/2023 12:45

As an aside, I have to say, I don't think I have ever known anyone name their daughter after their mum. Not a living mum anyway. People may name a baby after a mum who has passed away - but I don't actually know anyone personally, who has named a baby after a deceased mum. Grandmother/great grandmother yeah, and even a great aunt, but never the mum. (I'm sure it happens, I just don't know anyone who's done it.)

I have known people name a boy after his dad, but even then most people don't, not these days. Was very common pre 1970s, but I don't see it happen now.

Original poster
Pregnantforwaytoolong · 15/06/2023 12:46

@Emotionalsupportviper I can’t stop laughing at this

@Grumpusaurus its the aftermath that’s the problem and being made to feel you’re unreasonable or being a bitch for choosing a ‘claimed’ name. (Other family just stick their head in the sand with any sort of unreasonableness, so I’m on my own!)

OP posts:
AlwaysFoldingWashing · 15/06/2023 12:47

I would have avoided using one name but she can't just keep adding on. Just go with whatever you want to use- she will have PLENTY of other names to choose from

Gremlins101 · 15/06/2023 12:50

Name baby what you want. Your sister sounds very childish herself. "Your baby will be favourite".... honestly....

TheMurderousGoose · 15/06/2023 12:51

I couldn't be dealing with these sisterly squabbles. My brothers would never irritate me with this shizz.

Topseyt123 · 15/06/2023 12:53

Why are you discussing names with anyone other than your own DH? I see this quite often on here and it is always a really bad idea. Give nobody else a say in how you name your baby. Nobody at all.

We never discussed names with anyone else, just announced them after the birth. I didn't even discuss them with my own younger sister in the year that we were both pregnant at the same time and with the same due date (though my own DD was born 5 weeks early). She never mentioned it to me either. It wouldn't have occurred to either of us to do so.

Name your baby whatever you want to and stop letting others (particularly in your case your sister) put arbitrary obstacles in the way.

Itsadogone · 15/06/2023 12:53

The rule is whoever has the baby first picks the name first! Two of my best friends and I are all due next month, within 2 weeks of each other. We’re all having the same gender! At the start one friend said we’d have to give a few names we were thinking of using each. I’ve said no any time it’s came up in conversation and just said I haven’t got names yet. I have one/possibly two names and one in particular I am quite worried my friend could be likely to choose but chances are I will be last so if they do use it, I will just have to suck it up and choose something else without them ever knowing that was ‘my name’.

Last time I was pregnant a family friend was due months after me (both babies the same gender) and she told me what her baby was going to be called and made loads of jokey comments about how I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to pick it. Your baby isn’t called anything until it’s born so technically if that had been the name I’d had my heart set on there would have been nothing to stop me picking it! I’ve seen people even announce the name on Facebook before the baby is born too, to almost ‘claim it’ 🤦🏼‍♀️ It’s just bad luck if someone else gets there first, you just need to hope they don’t and practise a fake smile for when you say how much you love the name if they do!

i wouldn’t tell her anything else and say you’ll just wait and see who’s baby is first!

Itsadogone · 15/06/2023 12:56

Topseyt123 · 15/06/2023 12:53

Why are you discussing names with anyone other than your own DH? I see this quite often on here and it is always a really bad idea. Give nobody else a say in how you name your baby. Nobody at all.

We never discussed names with anyone else, just announced them after the birth. I didn't even discuss them with my own younger sister in the year that we were both pregnant at the same time and with the same due date (though my own DD was born 5 weeks early). She never mentioned it to me either. It wouldn't have occurred to either of us to do so.

Name your baby whatever you want to and stop letting others (particularly in your case your sister) put arbitrary obstacles in the way.

This 🙌🏼 Discussing names with people other than your partner is 9 times out of 10 only going to cause someone to give you an opinion you don’t want or try to ruin the name for you! If they hear it for the first time when the baby is already born they will just have to like it regardless

Riapia · 15/06/2023 13:04

Only in the delightfully ditsy world of MN.
😉😂😂😂

FriedEggChocolate · 15/06/2023 13:11

I'd be careful how / when you meet her post birth. If you're sore, knackered and a puddle of hormones, the last thing you need is her waddling in, 8 months pregnant, to berate you for giving your new baby the "wrong" name and badgering you to change it. Get your birth certificate signed off pronto if it looks like she's causing issues.

MooMooSharoo · 15/06/2023 13:15

Pregnantforwaytoolong · 15/06/2023 12:46

@Emotionalsupportviper I can’t stop laughing at this

@Grumpusaurus its the aftermath that’s the problem and being made to feel you’re unreasonable or being a bitch for choosing a ‘claimed’ name. (Other family just stick their head in the sand with any sort of unreasonableness, so I’m on my own!)

I was going to hazard a guess and say your DS is the golden child that can do no wrong and is used to getting her own way. The family head burying would seem to confirm that!

I like your compromise idea.

Either that or hope that you give birth less than 6 weeks before her and make her choose first then decide!