To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

I was very much 'live and let live' but I have sent so many emails about my situation and my child, not asking for help or childcare but wanting to know about the provision or the fees

If you sent me this, my answer would be, if you want childcare you will have to organise that privately. HE does not provide childcare and is not about that kind of situation. Fees are generally attached to extra curricular activities. Those by organisations outside school hours set their fees and are not associated with HE. HE groups that charge fees for things like gymnastics during the day usually involve parents staying through the activity. Even if they just sit to the side and talk.

I'm in the exact same position as OP (ND child, lone parent (widowed) and having to homeED for the same reasons) How on earth do we become eligible for a home tutor???

Excuse me but not every diagnosed child needs an EHCP! Educate yourself and get your facts straight before giving advice on a serious subject like this please! There is a huuuuge group of diagnosed children who struggle but whom do not meet the threshold for an EHCP (by any stretch)

🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't think it's at all healthy of you to get this angry with the 'white middle class women' who are organising HE activities. Maybe save your frustration for the school system. I can understand as a single parent you are frustrated but if you want to do this you are going to have to give up your full time job and join in yourself. Are you yourself ND?

OP, you are being immensely unreasonable and entitled. If you're starting off with an attitude of trying to palm your child off on others on the cheap rather than taking responsibility for their education HE will be a disaster for them.

Your child needs to go to school because you have no option and you should pay to see a private psychiatrist.

My ds fell apart at school when he was 9 and he was later diagnosed with adhd, and and anxiety. His school tried to put him in a reduced timetable but I wouldn't agree because I had to work. I'm in Australia and we simply don't have the kind of welfare system where you could choose not to work. There was no free mental health support either. So my ds had to go to school and I had to pay for a psychiatrist and appropriate medication. (I'm always amazed on mumsnet when people will let their children struggle indefinitely because they are waiting for a free provision).

It's been really rough at times and I felt sorry for my ds, but I had to work to support both my children - and ds knew that. The only other option was a special unit, but it never came to that. And things have gotten better and better as he's gotten older. He is 16 and doing well in school now.

DS1 is just doing some Language Art study from an American resource. He has just pointed at this is the first time the resources has correctly used Australian Aboriginal rather an Aborgine. He knows this because discuss Aboriginal culture as part of home school. Often while walking in nature or places of significance for our local people. The language art lesson also made reference to a picture which I think is in our local gallery so we will go try to find it.

That being said children do need care so I wouldn't be able to work full-time and home school. I work part time my partner works full time. The kids really school 6 days a week too as they do a language school on Sunday which is a drop a go. They can be left for martial arts too but that's it. Everything else is parent run. I even run something myself. ND kids are welcome but I just run the event for my kids to socialise I can take on making the event totally fit for another family.

This.

And as others said: HE groups generally do not offer child care, at least not for extended amounts of time. You may get a morning in a museum or an afternoon at a botanical garden etc. where other parents will take them. But that is pretty much it ime.

And there is generally also the idea of reciprocity. Sending your child to these activities but never offering to organise one yourself may not be met with a lot of enthusiasm.

But I am very sorry that you are in this situation OP. it sounds extremely difficult.

An ofsted registered group which offers hours is a school. Our old HE group met at a museum or a forest every few weeks for parents to chat and kids to socialise. That was my experience.

They do online schools now? Where it's lessons over video with tutors. I think some have weekly meet ups with local area. Could that make it a bit easier?

If you could do online schooling, the teaching is generally mornings. Would this enable you to work your hours if you amend them to be afternoon early evening shifts? And due to the situation couldn't the council offer some support?

I’m sorry you’ve been getting something of a hard time on this thread OP. I know some of what you speak, because I provide some support to home edders at university.

They are lovely people and their children are bright and interesting, but they are exactly as you say: white, middle class, and can all afford to be SAHMs in an expensive area. They are a collective rather than an organisation.

Have you looked at alternative education provision - there are more kinds of local schools than a special school? Depending on where you are, state schools for children with social and emotional issues do exist (I’ve worked with them).

What can you afford to do? Could you arrange a stimulating childcare arrangement, like a university student to come and be an engaging figure in your child’s life?

The childcare app allows you to search for all different kinds of childcare solutions, including tutors, which will give you an idea of cost.

There are also group tutoring institutions like Kahn academy - we have a local centre near me. You could perhaps find an affordable childcare situation (au pair, Uni student), who can either play with your child or take them to home Ed events or play activities, and then fill in the education aspect in the evenings. Home tutoring goes much quicker than school.

in the holidays, can you afford to send your child to camps that have a learning focus? They take place at Easter and summer.

Sorry if you’ve considered all of this, but hope there’s something useful.

I think your expectations of home school groups are quite unrealistic to be honest.

I home educated, for a time, due to dds struggles with mainstream school. I did work for myself and I did consider it a privilege to be able to.

But the groups were so the kids could socialise and usually learn something along the way. Museum visits, library visits, allotment visits etc.

The fact that you feel it’s up to you to judge how relevant they’re teaching, is really going against home schooling. It doesn’t appear you have spent much time with these people or really understanding me what they are trying to achieve. Perhaps your mention of black history month was met with a bit of defensiveness. Someone new coming in telling them they are missing something, never a goes down well. Especially if they person is quite obviously judging their set up. Or maybe they don’t do black history month, but teach a more diverse history in general. I very much doubt they shield their kids from it being black history month. Maybe they were put out because you have assumed they history teaching isn’t diverse and have bothered really finding out what they are doing.

As a mother who always worked, I think your concern the kids only see ‘trad fem’ and so will be heavily impacted is a bit disingenuous tbh. You are judging women who are staying at home under the guise of concern.

Essentially you want a school. But a school that better suits your child. I get that. My son is autistic. While provision isn’t great and needs improving there is never going to be a way to set up schools that can take children and meet everyone of their individual needs. Who would pay for it? The families? So private education? It’s never going work where the curriculum is exactly what each individual parent thinks it should be. Once you have a group of children in a school, each parent is going to have different opinions.

You would need so many staff to ensure each child’s needs are met, their parents idea of education is met, preferences are met, medical needs are met, social needs are met what you want is almost impossible AND it’s beyond most home educators skills to set something like this up. Home educators aren’t ever going to be skilled enough to open a new time of schools. You would need to seek out people who can do this and pay them. You would need to run it like a charity/business to keep it open.

and most home educators don’t want their kids in a formal setting. When you have a lot of kids in one place, there needs to be formal rules. So home educators wont spend time on this even if they could.

I get your emotional response here. You are scared for your future and your child’s future. But your anger is being Misdirected and you are judging the people who can make home education work for them. Because you can’t find something that works for your child’s very individual needs.

As an aside, I actually believe kids in mainstream school should be learning more about nature and spending more time outside. I think it’s fantastic for kids. Even for a lot of kids with Autism/ PDA/ mental health issues. I really wish mainstream school would include more time in this and doing things where kids are outside more. I think your assumption it’s not that relevant or helpful is incorrect.

ps I get the single parent thing. My mum was one - dad dumped us like a hot brick. She had to work very long hours and I was always in childcare of some kind. Married SAHMs with high earning husbands don’t get it unless they’ve been there at some point themselves. They were always asking my mum if she could join this or that, and then getting mildly offended that she couldn’t - always implying she didn’t care enough about me, and gently shocked and head tilty when I was on my own at sports day or a prize giving.

the best was when women whose husbands travelled a lot told my mum they knew how she felt. No, they didn’t. Yes, they were 100% responsible for their children at that time, but they had a massive income coming in and cleaners etc. My mum was self employed - if she took time off to care for me, she wasn’t earning, and there was no one who had her back emotionally or financially - no one she could call overseas to discuss their child’s behaviour, or ask for a bit more cash to cover an activity. It’s not the same for women whose husbands work away.

But this child most probably needs an ehcp, they clearly meet the threshold for assessment even though the la may say otherwise. Nd thst don’t need ehcps are able to attend school. My sons autistic and we had major issues at school from year one, it did used to annoy me when I posted on mumsnet and Fb groups asking for advice and they’d always be at least one person who said “have you thought about HE” yes I’d thought about it and I knew from the outset I didn’t want to do. Maybe it makes me selfish but I want to be able to work and have a decent standard of life and also get some respite from my child which is only possible through school as there’s f all other respite available. We got a knock back when first applied for ehcp as they said his needs could be met in ms without an ehcp and thst he wasn’t behind academically. To cut a long story short we eventually got ehcp in year 3 and he moved to specialist in year 4, now in specialist for asd kids that are of mainstream academic ability but can’t cope in ms.

I'm a single working parent who worked very long hours when my daughter was that age. I had a live-in nanny. That surely is the obvious solution? Pay for a nanny (doesn't have to be live-in of course). That's how you can go to work and have your child be taken care of at home.

It's not what home education groups offer, they're not a childcare or drop off session on the whole. Even if it was if your child sadly isn't coping at school surely it defeats the purpose a bit to drop them into another group of children with parents who are (usually very dedicated and great with their own children but...) unqualified.

I can see why you're getting defensive, its an appalling but sadly not uncommon situation to be in. Your choices probably are to leave you job, to work different shifts and get some sort of live in nanny, or to fight for a suitable school place. However unfair that is (which it is) you're going to have to face reality at some point.

I "electively" home educated my eldest disabled DC when they school refused at first special school. There was no way I could have worked at the same time, so sad as it is, I don't think you have a chance of doing both.

I found the home ed community welcoming at first (our kids were younger and so no drop and runs) but it quickly became apparent we weren't one of them. I had the same concerns about complete unschooling.

Eventually my DC tried a second special school because I was exhausted but now the same thing is happening again 😥 This time I have not deregistered but am going down the route (HOPEFULLY) of Education Otherwise Than At School. That said, as my DC's needs are very high including self harm at home and school, I imagine I have more traditional "evidence" than you OP as to why his needs can't be met in a school.

I would write to your LA and say that you no longer want to home educate so they have 15 days to find your DC a suitable school placement. Get on roll somewhere, even if DC can't go in, they then have a duty to provide Alternative Provision (although in practice you might go without for a long time but you won't be any worse off than you are now).

There is a certain amount of privilege which I feel the home Ed group doesn't acknowledge

I would say that for a lot of people in the HE community it is a privilege they would forego if their child was able to go to school.

If I 'unschool' then I'm basically signing up to support my child for life. Yes their mental health is important too, but by not giving them an education I feel I'm condemning them to a life without work, independence and job satisfaction

Unschooling isn’t about never giving them an education. Unschooling is taking time to get used to not being in a pressure cooker environment and getting all the negative energies around school out of their system so they can start with a clean slate and their mental health is in a place where they are open to learning

Unschooling doesn’t mean never educating

In regards to learning disabilities, they're not just going to pull B's or C's out the bag in their GCSE's. So by letting them do what they want all day, even if they are happier, I'm going to have to accept that they might rely on me forever... but how can I support them if I have to give up work now

You sound as though you are spiralling

It all depends on the child and what you think HE represents.
I also think you need to realise that just because you don’t have a string of exam passes doesn’t mean that equals no job and living at home forever.

You don’t HE all day. Probably anything from a few minutes to a couple of hours of one on one education is going to give your child more than they are going to get in school with 1 teacher and 30 children.

Ultimately you need childcare in place of where school would have been and some appropriate teaching materials that the nanny or childminder can help with or you sit down with your child after work for 30 minutes - an hour and work through a section or 2 of the books or material

Ultimately as your child grows up they will probably go off and learn about what ever takes their fancy at the time and or do online schooling and won’t need the amount of child care or input as he needs now.

Remember HE is about educating your child. That education could be solely teaching your child to be a world class pianist.

The HE groups are there as a meet up for parents and children. Think about receiving the emails you sent. The people in the HE groups are only parents. They don’t work for the HE group they are just parents.

"Ultimately as your child grows up they will probably go off and learn about what ever takes their fancy at the time and or do online schooling and won’t need the amount of child care or input as he needs now."

I don't know the OP's child but from my experience of ASD, ADHD and LD, this will unlikely to ever be the case for them.

It sounds like things are really hard at the moment.

I know that this might sound like a bit of a random question but have you considered whether there is a private school which would meet his needs and which might not cause school refusal?

They are really expensive but, assuming that you earn a reasonable wage, are likely to be a lot less than losing your full wage because you can’t keep your job while you are home educating. And comparable to paying for decent tutoring or childcare during working hours which is your other feasible option here.

I’m not an expert on ehcp but I believe that you can list private provision on them if state isn’t possible, although I imagine that would take a fight to get it implemented

I have not read all the replies
I'm confused . You are angry you can't drop your child off with a home educators group for how many hours a day ?
I didn't think they existed in most parts of the UK.
Maybe the odd 2 hour forest school but insurance wise I doubt many people set that sort of situation up.
If someone has enough money they hire tutors but even then a parent/supervision to some degree is expected in the home .
I didn't think many other options existed for home educated children.
Have you tried a different school to see if they are more understanding to your child's needs.
Also if applying or have a echp don't de register. You will regret it when it comes to secondary school

OP there are lots of resources for Black History Month that can be used for homeschooling. You seem 'hacked off at the home ed community' because no other home educators have volunteered to teach content relevant to Black History Month to your child? But of course they haven't - they're home educating their own children, not yours. You would need to use those resources and provide that teaching yourself.

Hi OP,
I work with the Home Ed community in my job. There are thousands upon thousands of people in your shoes nationally. I’m sorry you’re finding it tough.
You won’t find childcare really. That’s also not what home Ed groups and meet ups are for, so that’s why they are probably being a bit frosty with you.
You would need to employ a Home education nanny/tutor. They can be ofsted registered. Occasionally you can get a home Ed childminder but they are mainly in places with huge home Ed communities like Bristol and still very rare. They also can’t be the main place your child is educated as they could fall foul of school registration rules. So you must still be educating your child outside of these hours. Whereas a nanny/tutor can take on the education on your behalf which you then monitor. All this is pricy.

If your child can’t manage in mainstream then they are a candidate for special schools. There are schools which cater for academically able children but they are usually independent and LA prefer not to pay. If she hasn’t got an EHCP, apply for one yourself and then appeal when they refuse to assess.

Don't forget they must welcome op with open arms,while accepting her sneering, judgemental opinion of them as 'saintly' over-priviliged, white women, who really need to 'do better' i.e teach what she wants, when she wants, and for free.