To feel hacked off at the home ed community already

[dontknowher]

Hi,
I am a mother to a neurodiverse child who has struggled in school since reception. They have had a complete burn out and now cannot access school at all. They are 8. We have tried EVERYTHING to make school work. They aren't suitable for a special school.
I have a reluctant home educator. I say reluctant as I never really envisaged being my child's main source of knowledge. I am a single parent and have very little support. I am also a home owner with a full time job.
I receive nothing from their father.
All of the above means that home education is not really an option but I have no choice due to child's refusal to go into school.
I have tentatively been looking into home education groups which may mean I can keep my career. At the moment I am on a sort of extended carers leave but this is untenable in the long term. My mortgage fixed rate also expires in August and I need to renew!
There is, on the whole, a complete lack of empathy for my situation from the local home education groups. The whole thing feels like a very entitled, white woman's, heterosexual, almost trad fem secret society.
There are very few which offer any support for ND kids, very few who offer hours longer than 9.30 until 2, even fewer which are ofsted registered meaning I can claim UC for the costs. I understand the reasons for this but it's the way that they all act like I'm the first person to ask or the only lone parent they've ever met who isn't willing to Jack in their job at the drop at the drop of a hat.
No one can make my situation better. I know that. But it makes you feel even shitter to feel too poor, single and not 'child focused' enough for the only other option. My only friend who is experiencing the same is utterly miserable, stuck at home with her challenging ND child, declined from every home Ed group and unable to access mainstream school. I just can't believe our lives have turned out this way. We both have qualifications and ambition. No one tells you that your child will not be able to go to school, that's something I always assumed was a given!

If a child cannot access education then the child needs an EHCP. Why are you so prickly about this? An EHCP is nothing to be ashamed of.

This thread is really odd. Of course home ed is a privilege. Most of us need to work and so our children are in school. If a child can't cope in MS, then the LA has a duty to fund special school or tutoring or some other form of education.

But it's not the responsibility of people who have chosen to home ed their kids to provide it to anyone else. They're not a service.

I'm no proponent of HE but isn't one of the main points that you don't need a full day to teach them?

I do think your title needs changing. What you're looking for is not what the HE community provide, as many have said. Each family is responsible for teaching their own kids but the groups exist to provide social and educational outings together, not to drop your kid off.

It's also not fair to bitch about mums who HE. Lots are not wealthy - for many I know it's a real sacrifice because they absolutely believe in it.

I don't get it myself but it each to their own.

Definitely don't deregister and go back to your LA and ask what they are going to do for your son.

What @User2346 said.

Also, sometimes people say negative things about EHCPs because they failed to get one, not because the child shouldn't have one. Sadly, two different things.

I wouldn’t step away from the state school system here - they have a duty and responsibility to educate your child; I would pursue that to the absolute hilt. I think if you move to HE they will claim it was your choice. There must be a very small middle ground to be found here and the LA must find it. Please don’t give up. Good luck op xx

Home education is just a form of support to educate your child at home. It's always down to the parents to home school, no-one else. If I were you, do not take him off the school register. Apply to a special school and keep him home until a space opens up. My neighbour had similar issues to you, she sruggled massively getting him there. Then switched to special school. He loves it and even waits outside the house, for the transport bus in the mornings. So nice to see him enjoy school now.

I’m working now, 6-9 ish, then I’ll pick up an evening meeting at 6pm. It’s fairly well paid so 5/6 hours in the day

It’s not as simple as home education is a privilege, in many cases.

I felt privileged that I was in a situation that I could. However, it’s not a privilege to have your not be able to go to school because their needs can’t be met.

I could home school because I earned decent money, working for myself. At the time. Not every parent is in that position. Some peoples children simply can not attend schools and there’s not enough provision in the area for specialist schools. So they end up having to home school where they would prefer to work. It can be hugely detrimental to a lot of peoples financial security. But they don’t feel they have another choice.

The idea that people home schooling are all fairly well off people who do it completely through choice isn’t based on fact.

Do you have a EHCP?

Can you change school? Some are better with kids with additional needs than others?

Home Ed is clearly not practical for you.

I’m sorry OP, it sucks that the state isn’t meeting your needs. You are far from the only one is this situation.

You are clearly a good parent but in an impossibly hard situation. It’s not you. It is the system.

Councils know perfectly well that they are not allowed just to fob people off because they don't have enough Educational Psychology capacity. Write to the council saying that unless you hear from them within a week that an Educational Psychologist has been appointed who will report within 6 weeks, you will have to take judicial review action to enforce the statutory deadlines. If they don't respond sensibly, contact SOS SEN to get an official pre-action letter sent. https://sossen.org.uk/whats-judicial-review/

Do you have any medical or similar evidence to confirm that your child is unable to be in school? If you, you may be able to push the council into funding tutors.

@dontknowher I don’t understand why you think home educator groups should be able to accommodate your child. They are literally unfunded parents just like you who have arranged activities. Home educator groups are an optional extra, the responsibility for education is in the home.

What I think you are actually looking for is childcare for an older neurodiverse child. So maybe start looking for childminders.

But based on your posts I absolutely don’t think your family should be home educating.

It isn't necessarily always down to the parents. If the child is unable to go to school because of illness - which includes mental illness - then the council has to provide an alternative which is usually home tuition. If there is no appropriate school at all which the child is able to access, then again the council has to provide an alternative long term.

Going to special school is not just a matter of applying. It is normally only possible via an EHCP.

And in the meantime whatever you do, do not deregister or you will get absolutely no help at all

There's strict rules in place regarding groups that offer provision to school aged children - they cannot offer any one child more than a certain number of hours per week without registering as a private school because that's what they would be. I had cases locally in the midlands where organisations claimed to be homeschooling tutors but in fact were unregistered schools

The first thing you ask for in the EHCP process is an assessment of needs (note, you are not asking to issue at this point, just for needs to be assessed),

This is really important as you cannot figure out the support needed if you don’t understand exactly what they need it with (you say your DC is ND but all children still have different needs, challenges and strengths)

As part of the process, your child would be assessed by education psychologist, as a minimum, and by other relevant professionals such as SALT and occupational therapist. They identity needs and make recommendations.

It is highly likely that a plan is issued at this point. It means that school, if they say they can provide this support, HAVE to do it.

The threshold for assessment is 1) might have SEN 2) might need additional support from EHCP.

When a child cannot attend a setting because of the effect on their mental health, it indicates that they need more support than has been offered.

Your DC meets criteria. There is no point shouting because you have been told nonsense (often spouted by school SENCO’s and LA staff) and you have simply believed it.

Get on the phone to SENDIASS or IPSEA and make a plan, or if you don’t want to do that then that’s okay but stop moaning about how unfair it is whilst doing nothing to change the situation your DC is in. No-one is coming along to do it for you.

@ProfessorXtra - you've just confirmed exactly what I meant

I could home school because I earned decent money, working for myself. At the time. Not every parent is in that position.

Not everyone has the choice. Of course having a school refuser isn't a privilege!

OP I think home education is not the right path for you or your child. You need to bat this back to your local authority and badger them for better provision for your child - either through EOTAS, a referral to a special needs school or unit or to hire a 1-1 support in a mainstream school setting. There are groups on Facebook that will help you with this I think searching Not Fine In School maybe a good starting point.

Despite all the vitriol you have thrown at the HE community, we still try to offer help and support and have empathy for your situation.

However, I do think you need recognise that home education means we take on the full financial burden of educating our children. There are no financial incentives, no grants, loans, benefits etc that are paid to us to home educate. Plus any exams, qualifications etc have to be paid for in full by us, not the local authorities or department of education. Therefore to verbally attack many of us who struggle financially to educate our children is unfair.

Finally, you do not have to be a teacher, tutor, etc to home educate, but it would probably surprise you how many teachers, lecturers and other professionals home educate, often side by side with a diverse group of families who have educating their children outside a state school setting as a priority.

On a side note: I personally don’t ‘teach’ Black History Month in a group setting, however my child has access to a diverse educational setting, using tutors from the all over the globe for certain topics. We also cover world history, religions and cultures on a regular basis, throughout the year. There are plenty of BHM resources online, but rather than dedicate just a few weeks a year (as some schools do) diversity is part of our everyday educational philosophy and practice.

No you said being able to home Ed is a privilege. It’s not. It was a blanket statement that’s not true in every case.

It’s not a privilege if you end up forced into it, having to suck up the negative financial and emotional impacts of it.

@dontknowher I was wondering whether you've looked into registered childminders in your area? Someone who is well versed with ND children, where your dc can go for a short while.

For what it's worth, the home Ed groups that i attend tend to be a huge mix, as many dads as mums. Also they're very diverse, therefore a huge variation in the socio economic demographic.
That suits us as ethnic minority family. I believe it depends where you live and the types of groups you have access to.

There is also a Facebook group for single parents that home Ed, might be worth exploring that.

Hope all works out for you and your dc.

I'm a single parent and I have had to home educate my children at times due to their neurodiversities and the failings of the state school system. I was in the privileged position of receiving disability and carer benefits for them. It didn't feel very privileged as we struggled for money, lived in insecure private rentals and now I'm facing the prospect of trying to get a minimum wage, entry level job in my 40s being up against teenagers who have more experience than me! But I am grateful for the benefits system, even though it has got progressively worse of the last 20 years I've been in it. I would say YOU are in a privileged position being able to work and have a mortgage!

I think the problem you have is that you misunderstand what those groups are and what they do. there are many ways to home educate but they broadly consist of two options: you educating your child in your home or you paying for another person to educate your child in your home. It is totally out of the state system so you get no financial help from the government. The reason you found them unhelpful was because you were asking for something that doesn't exist.

Your options as I see it are to keep using the state system and find a way to make it work, or to apply for disability benefits for your child and give up your job.

Whatever @ProfessorXtra

Have a great day

I have a lot of experience in home ed circles (about 13 years of being home educated, and I'm now starting to go to groups with my pre-school aged children).

I agree that it's very difficult to do as a single parent. The only ones I've ever known who've done it have either had very niche jobs (one was a housekeeper and allowed to take her child to work with her, one could work evenings only, a few had older children and could WFH) or they didn't need to work (when I was a child, I think it was just about possible to home educate and live off benefits and I did know someone who was clearly living on money from her rich family). I think it's sad that it's so hard for single parents to do, but that's not really the fault of the home educating community.

I disagree that home educating mums don't work - in my experience most do, though part time. The local home ed groups I've been to, there's always some dads who attend with their children.

With respect to things like Black History Month, were you offering to run an activity, or were you suggesting that someone else did? Because in my experience it would be unusual for one person to suggest an activity without also offering to develop and run it, obviously with help as required.

I'm very surprised that they were unwelcoming to your child due to ND. A lot of groups I've been to, NT children are a minority!

I haven’t read everyone’s replies so perhaps this is a repeat, but I have read all the OP’s.

Do you work from home? If so, what about an online school? There are a few I know of.

Or is the cost of a very small, nurturing private school out of your league? Ones that market themselves as “small schools” - not just in size but in pedagogy.

It sort of sounds like that’s what you’re looking for with home ed groups, which others have pointed out are parent run and often only for a few hours on sporadic days.

It sounds like you want a different education provision not HE.

I do find your description of HE groups odd though - where I am most of the HE kids are neurodiverse and there is a lot of HE support on ND groups too. Maybe try other groups?

I work from home and juggle HE (online) with a child with ADHD, ASD and PDA. I assumed (wrongly) that they would never be able to manage their own time and organise the workload. Its taken a while but they have learned these skills now.

HE groups are not the place to 'drop off' your child - I would look at other activities such as sports where you can do that, and where your child can interact with peers etc. HE only works for us because DD is heavily involved in an activity where they can socialise and interact with others.