Selfish husband?

[PomPomQueen1]

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

Your second DD will know, if he doesn’t change his tune. It would be interesting to know if he would want both children equally for contact if you did divorce 🤔
Is he going out more now than he did when you only had one ?

So, you're unhappy that you got what you wanted.

I don’t think he would want both children. He would only want to look after the second when she’s older and can communicate.
He’s out 4 times a week instead of 2.

You're both equally awful.
He's being awful, but he told you what he'd do and you didn't believe him. He didn't want a second child, you pressured him into it, and he's doing what he said.
You're both unreasonable. He should never have let you badger him into a child he didn't want. And when he did agree, he should have stepped up to avoid harming that child.
You badgered him into something so that he didn't feel able to say no.

Now because of both of you, there are children who are going to be harmed in the middle of this.
Your younger child will start noticing in a few years and it will hurt her. If you divorce will he even look after her? Divorce or together his neglect will hurt her.
And with you, are you going to try and compensate the younger one for the neglect of her father and thus give her more time/attention/things/latitude when she does something wrong. That's inevitable as you subconsciously try and even things out. But it will harm your relationship with your older one who will feel that you favour the younger one.

Please get both of you and him into family therapy or counselling before the baby grows old enough to notice.

I could have written your post. It is a horrible place to be - mine also mentally switched off at home and also with our other kids because he couldnt cope with another baby! I dont know what the solution is, mine came round during extended annual leave at home but the baby was 13 months by then. Maybe you will find that once baby enters toddler hood, he will find himself getting more involved.

The whole situation sounds like a mess. I agree with the suggestion of going to couples therapy.

Bittersweet.

Over the moon I have a second child. The bond between the sisters is lovely too.

Sad that there is no bond between father and baby after seeing how close father is with first daughter.
Also I very rarely ask for help. Would appreciate support the few times I do ask for it without a sarcastic reply. Maybe I’m wrong…

I just dont think many men have the baby maternal urges that we do. Some of them are just incapable of being around a baby but can happily deal with older baby/ toddler.

Yeah this is a hard one. You made him have another baby he said he didn’t want by saying you’d do everything. You’re both wrong and I don’t have a solution apart from therapy or for you to split because the impact on your children is going to be a lot if this continues!

He told you very clearly he didn't want a second child. You badgered him. A male partner would be called a bully for similar behaviour. He relented, he didn't happily change his mind. Why on earth would you agree to a pregnancy on the basis he would have nothing to do with her?!
I mean he's being pretty terrible ignoring his own baby, but you've essentially tried to force him to patent a child he very clearly stated he didn't want. It didn't work.
This situation is toxic for your children. He's being selfish but so are you, you put your wish for a second baby above everyone else's needs, including your children's.

He made it pretty clear it wasn't what he wanted, you pressured and pressured to get him to agree and unfortunately for the whole family he gave in to the pressure.

So it definitely isn't as clear as he's selfish. You're no less selfish for pushing him to get what you wanted.

I guess you thought he would change his mind when the baby was born and fall all doe eyed in love with it.
I'm sorry you're knackered, parenting as a team is exhausting, let alone doing all of the care for the youngest yourself, but at the same time, it is what you offered to get your own way.

Thank you for your replies and your honesty. It has opened my mind a little more into my husbands thoughts.
Knowing my husband, I am confident it will be okay when she gets to toddler age but will be hard until that point. I take on board your advise on couples therapy.
Thank you.

Why will it change when your second baby becomes a toddler?

you put your wish for a second baby above everyone else's needs, including your children's.

This. You've given your elder daughter a sibling, sure.

At the cost of being spoiled by having her dad's exclusive attention, and normalising a dynamic where she is the one loved by both parents, and her sibling is second class. And that's before you get to the second child who was categorically unwanted by her father.

I don't think you're in a position to throw the word selfish around when you made choices for your children that others wouldn't inflict on a dog.

This sounds upsetting all round. For him, for your child and for you.
Unfortunately it’s never a good idea to pressurise someone into doing what they don’t want to do as it ultimately backfires.

Sadly you’ve also decided in amongst this that your DH will change his mind as your baby gets older. Perhaps he will but perhaps he won’t. It actually sounds as though you are the one here who is trying to control everything and even dictate how he may feel in the future.

I would also suggest couples therapy to see if there is a way through this because you can see this is quite a mess at the moment.

I think you are both wrong sadly. I hope this works out for you but realistically I also think it’s down to you to do the grunt work if that’s the agreement that was struck. But I really hope that bonds build as you think going forward. I’m guessing you are both a seething mass of resentment in your own ways due to the diametrically opposed views on what you both wanted for your respective futures with your family dynamic.

Why the hell did you agree to do everything? Sorry but you brought a child into the world because you wanted it he didn’t and only agreed because you said you’d do everything.
he has little to do with this child your words , can you imagine how this child will feel growing up that her dad doesn’t want her and treats her differently to her sister .
sorry op but i think this awful for all involved. how bloody selfish can you both actually be neither of you have thought about your 2 dc . You need to sort this asap tell him this can’t go on . The baby is here now he is the farther like it or not but you will not have it that he behaves like this , he pulls his weight and he takes an interest .

I’m struggling to understand the point of even having a sibling in this dynamic. We read similar on mumsnet (and other places) all the time and the siblings don’t have a relationship because of the way the parents have treated each of them. It’s such a huge gamble. So I do agree with the poster(s) who have said both OP and her husband are selfish and I feel sorry for the children in the middle of it all.

No op you are sticking your head in the sand that everything is going to be ok and it’s your own fault . But it needs sorting what if when she’s a toddler that you say it will be ok , what then oh when she’s primary school age the a teenager then an adult .
this is s prime example of a child growing up feeling not wanted and 2nd best , appalling behaviour op and you seem so blinded by this .

I think this was a terrible idea, sorry. On both your parts. However you are where you are, and you can't carry on like this. Yes some men arent great with babies apparently but in this case he may never get better if he doesnt spend any time with the youngest.

It will fuck both your daughters up to live in a family dynamic of golden child / scapegoat. Even if you treat them the same (which will be hard as you will want to over compensate with the youngest) they will also blame you for not protecting them from it. So something needs to change, despite what you agreed at the time, because continuing with this set up is going to lead to two miserable parents and two damaged children.

He needs to make a decision now whether he wants to work on his relationship with your youngest (who will be a toddler in a few months so past the tiny baby stage) or not and if not then you need to leave the marriage.

I dont have kids yet but my partner and I have had similar conversations to you. I have helped with my nephews and it all feels exhausting. I only want one, he wants three.

He is begging me to agree to a second before we get married and are stuck together as it's almost a deal breaker for him to have just one child. I don't want a second as I see how exhausting my nephews are and I want some harmony. He has agreed to do everything. It has been tense with us almost parting ways over it. We both agree we need a decision before we have kids (assuming we can have them). Whilst we haven't come to an agreement yet, I am considering having two but would expect him to do everything as promised.

You did push your dh to have a dc.
However he's not stupid and must know that a dc needs love and attention from both parents.
The argument that you wanted the dc so he doesn't have to get involved is unfair on the dc.
She should never have been born within this horrible atmosphere of your dd your problem.
Your dh needs to start behaving like a father to both of his dc.

I couldn't live with or respect a man who treats his child like that.

Simple as that.

I don't care if the OP pressured him into having another baby (bad idea but probably choosing to reproduce with this man in the first place was a bad idea). He said yes and now he is rejecting a child. This will affect all his children -but hey it works for him because he doesn't have to get up with his baby (HIS baby) and can go out drinking with friends. WIN - if you are a fucker.

Personally I think he is using this as a get out of jail free card with any work for the baby. When she's older he'll be fine with her because the hard bit is done.

He is horrible. I would leave him. I could not live with a man who rejected his own child. horrible.

How are people suggesting she makes him step up with the second child? She can’t. If she issues as ultimatum he might decide divorce is better and that he only wants contact with the elder daughter. She’s struggling as it is, if he’s around less how’s that going to help?

I don’t know what the answer is but presumably she’s told him how low she’s feeling and he’s holding firm to their stupid damaging agreement. Awful for both children.

I don't actually think it matters what you agreed before having your second child. He agreed to have the baby, now he owes it to both his dc not to completely screw them both up by parenting one and ignoring the other.

He sounds like a shit dad and partner.

I think you definitely need counselling together with a good therapist who can work through the past decisions and improve the future. It’s obviously crucial he treats your DDs the same as they grow up. It’s too important to not get sorted.