Selfish husband?

[PomPomQueen1]

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

On reflection I think it is. It's a compromise that's actually better than the alternatives.

If we ask DD2 in 20 years time whether she'd rather have not been born or a Dad who.didn't do his share of the washing when she was a baby I know what she'd choose. Some kids never even meet their Dads!

Do you really think the father of this child will still be there in a few years time? I don't, he is already out 4 nights a week.

And what, Thumper's father, is nice or useful about your comment?

There is another saying "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it" and OP should have thought of that long before going into an agreement that was always going to mentally abuse her child.

Factually correct, though.

Yet not a word about the woman who bribed him with not having to look after the child in order to have one. That's as abusive and coercive as anything he has done/not done. Having a child or not is the decision of the person who doesn't want one. If every there was a case of everyone being the arsehole, it's this.

She came up with a ridiculous scheme in order to have the baby her husband didn't want and expected him to not stick to it - Arsehole.
He agreed to the ridiculous scheme and expected her to stick to it - Arsehole.

Two little kids caught up in a house full of arseholery. Poor little buggers deserve better.

Your eldest didn't need a sibling, the second baby was for you really, be honest.
Neither of you are shining examples of decent parents to do this to your family and each other, most of all your children, both will suffer horrendously if this behaviour continues.

I expect he will start to change his attitude when the youngest is a toddler but his bond with her will not be as with the first, her entire existence is something he capitulated upon for you and now he is showing his stubbornness is equal to yours you are complaining.

I don't know how you fix this if you can, separation will just cause more strife and breaking of bonds, ruin your eldest relationship and most likely cause your youngest to have no relationship with him at all.

Ultimately YABU, but you both are equally appalling.

Better yet for her mum to demonstrate that women aren't domestic skivvies for men by leaving.

And there's nothing special per se about dads - plenty of useless ones out there that children are largely better off without. Probably a few useless mums as well, but the useless dads seem to outnumber them. No child is "lucky" just because they have a male parent in their life - depends whether they're worth having or not.

The OP could have arranged an "accident" and got her way on her own terms. She didn't and should be commended for that, she talked about it openly and they came up with a compromise.

The kids will be utterly fine. They really aren't going to notice who did most hoovering.when they were toddlers.

If she left she'd have more work to do, not less.

She should be COMMENDED? For coming up with a ridiculous ‘agreement’ rather than sexually assaulting her husband?

Yes. I think the agreement is better than the alternatives, including the 'accident'.

(Well, not better than spelling out the number of children she required very early in the relationship but that ship had sailed.)

It is very weird. Is he not bothered that his baby DD will not bond with him?

God he sounds like an utter tosser, how can he reject his kid

Yeah but she wouldnt have to put up with him and the youngest wouldnt feel dispised and neglected by her father every day of her life.

I know. Disgusting narcissistic control freak.

Or rather some men are arseholes like this one.

It’s a really bad idea to talk someone into another baby who doesn’t want one. But you know that now. And some men fall in love with the new kid all the same. This one didn’t. And is being a cunt. IDK if it’s fixable.

And despite all of that, she still has a husband.

Despised! Get a grip.

But let's assume you're right, despised by your dad, or never born. I know which she'd prefer.

I disagree, he clearly didnt want a child, but he did want to give op what she wanted - op agreed he would be hands-off - she is solely the one to blame, and yes, your kids are going to be completely fucked up now, with the 'golden child' and the 'black sheep'

You should have left and started again with a new partner who actually wanted another child

She'd set an example to her girls though that it isn't a woman's job to run after useless men.

I'm not sure leaving.is the best way to do that.

He could quit work and.do the domestic stuff and she could get a demanding job and make the same point and keep the family together. If he's really lazy he'll jump.at that.

(I'm making a load of assumptions here, but you get the point.)

He is punishing you but , in his eyes, you asked for it. Which you did.

You are now overwhelmed with the enormity of your decision to carry on regardless of his 'warning' to you.

I think it's best that you rethink this relationship.

I agree with this.

Is there anyone on this thread who wouldn't rethink their relationship with a man who ghosts his newborn baby to teach a lesson/punish her mother? While maintaining a close and loving relationship with his other daughter. It is all kinds of fucked up and whether the OP was a bad woman for wanting a second child and is a bad woman who deserves to be punished for pushing him into another baby is pretty irrelevant. A man who can decide not to love his baby is not a good man. A man who can favour one child over another is not a good father.

I don't think there is any coming back from this.

Out boozing 4 times a week while you care for his children? He's checked out already