Selfish husband?

[PomPomQueen1]

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

You could say the same, if not worse about the OP. She has put her husband and two children into this horrible situation, she created the situation and they are all paying for it.

I’m surprised at how this thread started. You aren’t unreasonable at all for wanting another child and a sibling for your DD. Pretty normal TBH

it’s odd how he hasn’t bonded with the new baby and terribly terribly sad all round. I agree with couples counselling

as an aside, my husband was appallingly bad at the baby stage and couldn’t handle the broken nights. I did it all, every time, with all three. He began to step up when they reached a year or so. Ironically he is more likely to hear them up in the night now and go to them. I sleep like a dead person as those years tired me so much

I hope you can get this sorted. I think talking is the first step. What kind of man is he generally? Is he stubborn/kind or can he be cruel?

Pay for a baby sitter once per week and go out with husband or by yourself while sitter minds children.
Assume that DH knew what he could cope with; he was honest.

You will need to be responsible for your weariness until the baby is a talking human.
Soon the older child will want to play with her sister and Dad will have to include games with the little one who toddles in on the play.

Not wanting a second child is also perfectly reasonable. It’s entirely unreasonable to browbeat someone into something like this via ‘tense’ conversations, or to manipulate them with what turned out to be unrealistic promises about the heavy lifting in the early days.

The DH should, in turn, have had the integrity (and backbone) to stand up for himself by declining to father another child he lacked the energy or headspace to willingly and enthusiastically raise.

I was the second child in this type of scenario. My mother begged my father for a second child, and reluctantly agreed to it “to save our marriage”. They separated not long after my arrival and I was brought up by my father. Although not resented in a blatant way, I certainly felt it growing up and in the end came to detest the pair of them for their irresponsible selfishness. I went NC with both before they died. In my 40s I am still undergoing counselling over it.

Both future parents should be 100% on board or it’s asking for trouble and blighting the life of a poor child who has the right to be fully wanted by both parents.

If he really didn’t want a second child he could have prevented it himself.
OP, please try to see your family dynamic in a few years. You will have a DC2 wondering why daddy doesn’t love them, and a DH who has mentally checked out of your marriage.
I think couples counselling is a good idea

This. People are getting hysterical in this thread.

It'll be knackering for a couple of years, then the baby will be talking and playing and one day helping and it'll all be fine.

The DH might not be mad keen on the baby work but he said so up front and he'll be cheerfully teaching he to ride a bike (or whatever) in a couple of years.

....and let's be honest, most second children have similar issues to a degree. There are hundreds of baby photos of my older sister about about 7 of me:

https://allpoetry.com/First-Child-...-Second-Child

First Child ... Second ChildFIRST

Be it a girl, or one of the boys,
It is scarlet all over its avoirdupois,
It is red, it is boiled; could the obstetrician
Have possibly been a lobstertrician?
His degrees and credentials were hunky-dory,
But how's for an infantile inventory?
Here's the prodigy, here's the miracle!
Whether its head is oval or spherical,
You rejoice to find it has only one,
Having dreaded a two-headed daughter or son;
Here's the phenomenon all complete,
It's got two hands, it's got two feet,
Only natural, but pleasing, because
For months you have dreamed of flippers or claws.
Furthermore, it is fully equipped:
Fingers and toes with nails are tipped;
It's even got eyes, and a mouth clear cut;
When the mouth comes open the eyes go shut,
When the eyes go shut, the breath is loosed
And the presence of lungs can be deduced.
Let the rockets flash and the cannon thunder,
This child is a marvel, a matchless wonder.
A staggering child, a child astounding,
Dazzling, diaperless, dumbfounding,
Stupendous, miraculous, unsurpassed,
A child to stagger and flabbergast,
Bright as a button, sharp as a thorn,
And the only perfect one ever born.

SECOND

Arrived this evening at half-past nine.
Everybody is doing fine.
Is it a boy, or quite the reverse?
You can call in the morning and ask the nurse.

In fact the OP tells us so herself:

"Knowing my husband, I am confident it will be okay when she gets to toddler age but will be hard until that point."

...and the OP doesn't say anything about DH not loving the baby.

This really is no biggy. She's had a strop about how hard she's having to work, he's responded with "Told you so so." and in the heat of the moment she's come on here to vent. I think most working couples with 8 month old baby have similar and worse squabbles. People need to dial the drama back.

I'd find it most disturbing how he's treating DD2 tbh. This isn't the sign of a good person. Even if he was badgered into having a kid this isn't how you treat your child.

I would rethink your relationship if I were you.

Because of the close bond your husband has with your first daughter, you probably thought he would become more hands on, or go back on what he said, once he saw and met your second daughter. The problem is, it hasn't changed and your life has got harder as a result. You have both got what you agreed to at the time. This will sadly have an impact on your second daughter over time so you and your husband need to have a conversation specifically about that without arguing. He did say at the time he didn't want another child but she is here now and he can't pretend she isn't.

All those saying that this is all PomPomQueens fault

Do you mean that she isn’t allowed to have what she wants and must always defer to others and make sure she doesn’t disturb their life.

I would question what part the dh plays in the family as a whole as it seems that if he is out 4 nights per week and won’t do anything with the youngest then what is the point of him.

I really don’t think you can carry on living like this for very much longer for the sake of both your dc
The inequality that both your children will pick up is going to do so much damage.@

Ok, so you pushed him. It's hardly a crime 🙂 A lot of men wouldn't have children at all if they weren't slightly pushed! However, instead of going out twice a week (more than enough as a father of one) he's out four times a week. Even if we set aside the second baby, leaving you alone for four nights a week is not loving or supportive. Actually even in a relationship, being away from your partner all that time is sad, and not loving behaviour. If you both work full time you're not really spending much time together.
If he's such a good dad to your eldest, why is he not around for their bedtime? It's loyal of you to say you can't fault their relationship, but not doing bed times is poor. Regardless of what he has said in the past, if you tell your partner you are finding things hard, they should try to help. Part of your role is to support each other.
I mean how long is the 'I didn't want a second baby' act going to last? Will he not go to Parent's Evening because of what he previously declared?! Ridiculous, and how hurtful, damaging and confusing for the child! I get the impression that he won't make time for counseling, but I hope I'm wrong, and if he doesn't maybe you should leave him.

Ok take a step back, everything will be fine.
First of all, it is not unusual for the woman to want another child more than their husband, and strongly encourage them to expand the family. So you're not alone.
The baby is here now, and he is just taking more time to be happy about it than you are. He will come around! As the baby gets older and starts communicating, he will love her as much as DD1.

Lay some ground rules though. He stops saying "you wanted a second baby" at each argument, that shit stops now, it's disrespectful. And I would come down hard on him for voicing any difference in between DD1 and 2. And he stops going out 4 times a week, you both work full tine, even with one child that wouldn't be on.

Good luck, hang in there, it will be OK.

I think he will step up when she’s a toddler if he’s anything like my dh

Zombie thread.

Oh, and it is never acceptable to pressure someone into having one or more children than they actually want. I have no pity for the OP; that’s reserved for the youngest child. Through her selfishness, and his weakness in not standing up for himself, this situation has created a victim.