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AIBU?

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Original poster

Selfish husband?

139 replies

PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:34

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

OP posts:
RosieJ89 · 15/06/2023 17:04

I’m really shocked at the lack of sympathy you are getting to be honest. There’s a million posts on here about dads/partners trying to force women to get abortions and everyone is up in arms about it, but you’ve essentially done exactly this, just a step back! The end result is that he agreed to get you pregnant. He is an adult and already a father so no matter what you said to encourage that, he will have known full well what that would entail. Leaving you for 8 months to do everything alone and not attempt to bond with this child is terrible. I don’t think you are in the wrong here - yes, the situation clearly wasn’t perfect to begin with but it’s not like you were asking him to agree to 6 children!! You already had one and wanted a sibling for her - I’d say this is a perfectly normal request and I’m sure you thought he would eventually come round. He probably will, but does he love you like you deserve to be loved? I’d be very sad if my husband allowed me to do all of that by myself for months. Don’t stay with him because you think you should, choose what is right for you and your daughters. I’m very sorry you are going through this.

cartagenagina · 15/06/2023 17:21

Yep. Totally agree with @Pallisers . How can you want to be in a relationship with this piece of shite?

Baby DD is here now, and he’s so wrapped up in punishing you, he’s forgotten he’s her dad. I wouldn’t wait about hoping it might get better, whilst the damage to the children worsens every day.

Gardendad · 15/06/2023 17:33

Essentially you have taught your husband that you get what you want, at any cost. You will make empty promises, go back on your word and try to circumvent reality. If it was a guy that did this there would be outrage. However you are both as bad as each other. I'm not sure couples therapy can solve this. You can try though but it would be very surprising to me if you were together in the future.

isthewashingdryyet · 15/06/2023 17:33

Gafelix · 13/06/2023 23:43

I dont have kids yet but my partner and I have had similar conversations to you. I have helped with my nephews and it all feels exhausting. I only want one, he wants three.

He is begging me to agree to a second before we get married and are stuck together as it's almost a deal breaker for him to have just one child. I don't want a second as I see how exhausting my nephews are and I want some harmony. He has agreed to do everything. It has been tense with us almost parting ways over it. We both agree we need a decision before we have kids (assuming we can have them). Whilst we haven't come to an agreement yet, I am considering having two but would expect him to do everything as promised.

Please don’t have a second child unless you BOTH want one.
It will mess with both kids so much if you don’t, and is utterly unfair to not be a committed parent to both.
How can you even contemplate this, reading the replies to this thread. Please set your partner free to find someone who wants as many kids as he does.

towriteyoumustlive · 15/06/2023 17:34

He clearly wasn't keen on the idea of having a baby in the house again, and made that very clear to you.

He agreed to another baby on the basis that you would do everything, and that's what is happening.

I'm sure when the baby is bigger he will start doing more. He just made it clear he didn't want a baby.

Deathbyfluffy · 15/06/2023 17:42

Pallisers · 14/06/2023 01:02

I couldn't live with or respect a man who treats his child like that.

Simple as that.

I don't care if the OP pressured him into having another baby (bad idea but probably choosing to reproduce with this man in the first place was a bad idea). He said yes and now he is rejecting a child. This will affect all his children -but hey it works for him because he doesn't have to get up with his baby (HIS baby) and can go out drinking with friends. WIN - if you are a fucker.

Personally I think he is using this as a get out of jail free card with any work for the baby. When she's older he'll be fine with her because the hard bit is done.

He is horrible. I would leave him. I could not live with a man who rejected his own child. horrible.

We're ignoring the fact that the OP even admits she pressured him into it, though?
If you see this as a one-sided issue, you need to take the rose tinted glasses off.

Inkyblue123 · 15/06/2023 17:53

You are expecting too much of yourself and him. Get a babysitter and go have some time to yourself . An evening swim, meet up with a mate for a walk and a coffee. You’re both working and have 2 small kids with no family support. Get a cleaner. I’m not saying his behaviour is great or that yours has been either tbh. But here you are: everything is easier to desal with if you’re not exhausted. That includes mental exhaustion, you need a break. He is looking after himself 4 evenings a week , you need to take time off as well.

Pallisers · 15/06/2023 17:55

It is a one sided issue. The issue is not whether his wife behaved badly (probably she did - there are definitely two sides there). The issue is whether it is ok for a father to ignore his baby. It isn't. There are no two sides there - if there are please tell me what the other side is? Under what circumstances may a man ignore his baby and refuse to bond with her while having a loving relationship with his older child? Do you really think that is acceptable simply to punish his wife?

I don't have rose-tinted glasses. I do have expectations that men should behave decently.

FluffyFlannery · 15/06/2023 18:00

A man who truly loves his wife and family doesn’t behave like this. You know it. I’d be asking him to walk out that door and keep walking.

isthewashingdryyet · 15/06/2023 18:09

@Pallisers I see this as the husband set a very clear boundary- I don’t want a second child, but if you do then carry on but know I won’t do a thing for the child- it was clear, unequivocal and very well stated.
The OP clearly heard this and only an extreme optimist would have thought, oh, he will come round, and actually had this baby.

I can see this is ok for a cat, or at a push a dog, but to bring a child into a family where one person has said they will have nothing to do with the child, is surely madness.
there are enough stories on here of men who clearly think like this father, but don’t say it and just passive aggressively get a hobby instead, so have no time for the children.

and there is no guarantee siblings get on, so many threads also show this. The OP was foolish to ignore her husbands clearly stated boundaries and now has a monumental mess if she is to prevent severe psychological damage to both her children. Ignored kids struggle to build self esteem and golden children have another set of problems.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/06/2023 18:10

At the end of the day, if he didn't want to be a dad, he should have worn a condom or had the snip.

He agreed to this. The fact OP persuaded him is irrelevant. He could have and should have said no. He could have left the relationship if he felt pressured.

He had options other than to neglect an innocent child

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/06/2023 18:12

My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it

This was, frankly, a fucking stupid thing for you both to do.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 15/06/2023 18:17

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/06/2023 18:12

My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it

This was, frankly, a fucking stupid thing for you both to do.

I second this!

You got what you wanted and he's holding you to your promise. You should have thought about how the child would feel, and he should have stuck to his original decision and not agreed for another baby. Lose lose for you, him and the baby

FilthyforFirth · 15/06/2023 18:17

Wtf have I just read? Sorry you are as bad as him. Your selfish need to have a baby will probably lead to divorce and both your children suffering emotional damage in some way. Was it worth it? Clearly not.

Quitelikeit · 15/06/2023 18:20

I think it is pathetic and childish how this man is punishing you.

It is appalling how he lacks interest in your new daughter.

Resentment is like drinking your own poison and oh boy does he like poison.

Working 30 hours a week with two young children is very taxing even without the night feeds.

Im not sure I could hold it together the way you are managing to. He needs to do some more jobs around the house and we’ll going out four times a week!!

grrrr that is a disgrace an absolute disgrace. Where is he going?

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:22

How he treats you is one thing. But to not show love and care to his own child is a dick move

MoreCoffeeAndCake · 15/06/2023 18:24

You are where you are, not how I (or most of the posters here) would have dealt with having a second DC.

Why don't you have a babysitter? Give yourself a break and book one, get some time to yourself and recharge.

When you're feeling more rested, think about your future and how to bring up both your DC in a happy home.

It's not just your youngest being damaged if you all carry on as you are - your eldest is too. She can see dad doesn't want to spend time with the baby. She'll sub-consciously realise her dad doesn't like her sister. You will be over compensating with the youngest, whether you realise you're doing it or not, you'll be doing it.

Daffodil92 · 15/06/2023 18:27

If he was SO against it, he should have never agreed to a second. What he’s done is fucking cruel. Of course you’d assume he would naturally love a second child. I feel so sorry for your youngest daughter. What a cunt he is.

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:28

Many men don't want to have a child, but due to getting a woman pregnant they don't have a say in this. Is it ok for them to not give a damn about the child that results, because they didn't want it in the first place? And if not, what's different about this case?

Daffodil92 · 15/06/2023 18:32

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:28

Many men don't want to have a child, but due to getting a woman pregnant they don't have a say in this. Is it ok for them to not give a damn about the child that results, because they didn't want it in the first place? And if not, what's different about this case?

Don’t be ridiculous, men always have a say.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 15/06/2023 18:33

I think this will work out fine when she's older. But in the meantime you're going to have to suck it up and stick to the deal you made and yeah, it's gonna be very hard graft, but you knew that when you said you wanted to do it.

Funnily enough I knew a couple who made the same deal and they stuck to it into the daughter's 20s. He had a great relationship with both girls but he didn't help with any of work involved even when they were young adults.

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:35

Are we talking at cross purposes? If a woman is pg, she doesn't have to give the father of the child any part in her decision to keep/not keep the baby. She might choose to, but she certainly doesn't have to!
We would still judge a man who had a baby in these circumstances for not being a loving father to his child.

PaigeMatthews · 15/06/2023 18:35

Ash099 · 13/06/2023 22:05

I just dont think many men have the baby maternal urges that we do. Some of them are just incapable of being around a baby but can happily deal with older baby/ toddler.

What utter sexist shit.

PaigeMatthews · 15/06/2023 18:36

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:28

Many men don't want to have a child, but due to getting a woman pregnant they don't have a say in this. Is it ok for them to not give a damn about the child that results, because they didn't want it in the first place? And if not, what's different about this case?

How do men get a woman pregnant and not have a say in whether a woman gets pregnant?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/06/2023 18:37

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:28

Many men don't want to have a child, but due to getting a woman pregnant they don't have a say in this. Is it ok for them to not give a damn about the child that results, because they didn't want it in the first place? And if not, what's different about this case?

The men should wear a condom or abstain from sex or get the snip then shouldn't they.