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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish husband?

139 replies

PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:34

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

OP posts:
Achwheesht · 15/06/2023 18:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Debini · 15/06/2023 18:41

You are both selfish, you for pushing him into something he didn’t want and him for not stepping up and doing the right thing by this child.

ATeamsvan · 15/06/2023 18:44

PaigeMatthews · 15/06/2023 18:36

How do men get a woman pregnant and not have a say in whether a woman gets pregnant?

Show quote history

Men may not wish to have a child but once their sexual partner is pregnant they no longer have a say about whether the pregnancy becomes a living child, is that more clear?
I think posters are rather missing the point of the comparison I was drawing. It's not about supporting feckless dads that's for sure!

lechatnoir · 15/06/2023 18:48

Sounds like a brilliant excuse for him to do nothing and will be thrown back in your face forever more. Couples therapy or split for the sake of your 2nd child because they WILL notice and it WILL fuck them up.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 15/06/2023 18:55

Jesus Christ. Both of you are ridiculous.

I just feel sorry for the second kid who's going to have a dad that doesn't love them! Very stupid of you to have a baby with someone who didn't want another though.

cushioncovers · 15/06/2023 18:56

Wow what a sad situation all around op. there is no magic answer in my mind. You have just got to keep going and hope that he warms to your other daughter and if he doesn't then you'll need to end the marriage before it damages your second child life.

NotEverORNever · 15/06/2023 18:58

This is such a sad situation. You were crazy to have had a second child with him but I understand just how powerful the urge to have babies is. Look at all the Mumsnet threads where women have babies with terrible partners or where there are other reasons that it's a really dumb decision.

The situation is what it is, it's hard to say what's the best thing to do. Whatever you do you need to put your kids first. I don't think arguing over your second daughter or criticising his behaviour is going to help him bond with her though. I'm going to get crucified for this suggestion but what about stopping making any negative comments about his behaviour around the baby and riding things out until she is older and more interesting to him?
From a feminist point of view that will feel like a shit thing to do but maybe it would be in your daughters best interest? It's not unusual to struggle to bond with babies. I'd be hopeful he will come around when she is older. I don't know though.

If he continues to not bond with her then you will have to leave him. I can't see any other option.

JudgeRudy · 15/06/2023 18:59

Well you're unreasonable having a child with someone whobdidnt want one and thinking somehow it'll all be OK. He's unreasonable for giving in to your stupid demands.
He's kept his deal, you've kept yours but now because you and the baby are loosing out you've changed your mind.
He's right, you did this.

Tigofigo · 15/06/2023 19:04

He's being a stubborn tit and needs to sort his shit out because he has two daughters and a wife he should be caring about.

But you created this situation. So ultimately, YABU.

3luckystars · 15/06/2023 19:05

A few of my friends cut a similar deal with their husband for the last baby. You would think the dad would melt when they see the baby and help, but no.

how long did you say you would do everything until, 18 months or 18 years?

you need a counsellor, you both feel shafted and are not seeing the other side. Communication breakdown and resentment which is understandable. Get counselling.
Good luck. I wish you well.

3AndStopping · 15/06/2023 19:11

I think your DP is being a selfish twat, personally. Does he have no compassion/emotion? Fine he relented and agreed but he still agreed to another baby.

We had 2 young DC’s, I then got unexpectedly pregnant with our third. DP was adamant he didn’t want another baby (I didn’t either really) but after much soul searching I couldn’t abort her. She’s here now & 2. DH loves her just as much as the other 2 & is as involved as he was with the ‘planned’ children. I’d think a lot less of him as a person if he’d been a big baby about it.

Life happens, we adapt. He needs to stop being selfish and put his child’s needs before his own.

Oliotya · 15/06/2023 19:12

He needs to grow up. Who "wanted" the baby is irrelevant, he knowingly created it and so is responsible for it.
If he doesn't step up, you need to leave. Your child can't grow up in that environment.

BurbageBrook · 15/06/2023 19:21

He's an arsehole. It doesn't matter if you pressured him into it, the fact is the baby is here and he is punishing an innocent child.

ironorchids · 15/06/2023 19:22

You should sit down with DH and ask him, if he really loves DD1 then what behaviour do you think he is modelling for her?
What blueprint are you and he setting out for her for her future relationships?

She's three, so she will see mum doing all the work with the baby while dad goes out, dad doting on the 3 year old while ignoring the baby and letting his partner suffer.

If he really really loves your first daughter, he needs to consider very carefully how this upbringing will affect her future relationships with men and how they can treat her in a relationship. He is in a fantasist dreamland if he thinks it will have no effect and he needs this to be pointed out to him.

No matter how he feels about the first child, he is causing a lot of damage to the first child that he supposedly is a good father too by willingly ignoring the other child and her mother's burden of all the work.

Modaboutyou · 15/06/2023 19:32

I'm sorry OP, I don't mean this to be harsh, but I think you've been the selfish one. Pushing for another child because you didn't have a sibling? Absolutely no guarantee they will be close/get along. Pushing when you know he didn't want to and then going ahead with his crazy suggestion of not being involved? Imagine how your second child will feel growing up? Always second best, dad didn't want me etc. Terrible family dynamic and this will only get worse as she gets older.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 15/06/2023 19:34

You knew he didn't want another one but you wore him down, now you and this poor child will pay the price

hattie43 · 15/06/2023 19:54

Why on earth have a child when he didnt want one , poor little girl .

GrumpyPanda · 15/06/2023 19:58

PomPomQueen1 · 13/06/2023 21:57

I don’t think he would want both children. He would only want to look after the second when she’s older and can communicate.
He’s out 4 times a week instead of 2.

So he's taken the 2nd child as an excuse to do less than before? Whatever anyone's opinion of your "agreement" this is crappy behaviour.

Valour · 15/06/2023 19:58

He could have said no. He agreed. And on the basis of this evidence, he agreed to have a child he wouldn't care for, and would treat her differently to her sister. He's a bastard.

You can beat yourself up about it all you want OP, but you are where you are. This is no way to raise your girls. You can't change your past but you can change your future.

wp65 · 15/06/2023 19:59

Pallisers · 14/06/2023 01:02

I couldn't live with or respect a man who treats his child like that.

Simple as that.

I don't care if the OP pressured him into having another baby (bad idea but probably choosing to reproduce with this man in the first place was a bad idea). He said yes and now he is rejecting a child. This will affect all his children -but hey it works for him because he doesn't have to get up with his baby (HIS baby) and can go out drinking with friends. WIN - if you are a fucker.

Personally I think he is using this as a get out of jail free card with any work for the baby. When she's older he'll be fine with her because the hard bit is done.

He is horrible. I would leave him. I could not live with a man who rejected his own child. horrible.

I agree with this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2023 20:09

negomi90 · 13/06/2023 21:58

You're both equally awful.
He's being awful, but he told you what he'd do and you didn't believe him. He didn't want a second child, you pressured him into it, and he's doing what he said.
You're both unreasonable. He should never have let you badger him into a child he didn't want. And when he did agree, he should have stepped up to avoid harming that child.
You badgered him into something so that he didn't feel able to say no.

Now because of both of you, there are children who are going to be harmed in the middle of this.
Your younger child will start noticing in a few years and it will hurt her. If you divorce will he even look after her? Divorce or together his neglect will hurt her.
And with you, are you going to try and compensate the younger one for the neglect of her father and thus give her more time/attention/things/latitude when she does something wrong. That's inevitable as you subconsciously try and even things out. But it will harm your relationship with your older one who will feel that you favour the younger one.

Please get both of you and him into family therapy or counselling before the baby grows old enough to notice.

This is mean but I agree with the last sentence only

Goldbar · 15/06/2023 20:12

He agreed to have this child, he needs to step up and parent her.

It might have been better not to push the issue of a second child, but who knows if you did the wrong thing for your first child? MN is full of tales of sibling relationships turned sour, but for many people their relationships with their siblings are some of the most supportive and rewarding of their lives. Also no one has a crystal ball - if he is capable of this sort of obnoxious behaviour towards a small child and his exhausted co-parent, maybe your relationship wouldn't have stood the course anyway even had you stuck with one child.

As far as I see it, he doesn't get to keep punishing you for a decision he ultimately agreed to. He either decides he wants to be part of the family in its present form and participate fully, or he's out.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2023 20:13

Even if he didn't want the baby that much, he still agreed to it. You are working almost full time it's so unfair ti leave so much to you to do. Going out four times a week is ridiculous. You need to go out yourself - he knows how to formula feed just tell him which nights are your 'me' time. She's still his baby. If he cares about you he should care about your well-being and having a break. For things to continue as they are would be very worrying for the mental health of your baby and the relationship between the siblings

Slay1981 · 15/06/2023 20:13

You begged him and told him you'd do everything? That's the type of conversation that happens between a parent and an 8 year old child who's desperate for a pet hamster!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2023 20:13

Goldbar · 15/06/2023 20:12

He agreed to have this child, he needs to step up and parent her.

It might have been better not to push the issue of a second child, but who knows if you did the wrong thing for your first child? MN is full of tales of sibling relationships turned sour, but for many people their relationships with their siblings are some of the most supportive and rewarding of their lives. Also no one has a crystal ball - if he is capable of this sort of obnoxious behaviour towards a small child and his exhausted co-parent, maybe your relationship wouldn't have stood the course anyway even had you stuck with one child.

As far as I see it, he doesn't get to keep punishing you for a decision he ultimately agreed to. He either decides he wants to be part of the family in its present form and participate fully, or he's out.

This

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