Selfish husband?

[PomPomQueen1]

Life with my husband and daughter was great and he’s a very hands on Dad but being an only child myself, I was desperate to give daughter a sibling. My husband felt strongly against it saying he didn’t want to disrupt our happy life but after many tense conversations and me promising to do everything with the baby, he agreed to it.

Second daughter was born when first daughter was 3 years.
He idolises our first daughter but has held me to our promise and has extremely little to do with our second baby daughter.

Baby daughter who is very happy and chilled is now 8 months and in that time I have done every single feed and gone to every single cry. I have left him to look after baby only a handful of times for a maximum of an hour.
He has not had one disrupted nights sleep. She wakes up for a formula bottle feed twice a night.

He says he can’t mentally cope with the baby so goes to the gym and out for a drink with friends approx. 4 times a week.

He is still very hands on with our first daughter. I cannot fault this relationship.

I work Mon-Fri (30 hours a week) and love my job. I put both children to bed each night and get both ready for nursery in the morning.
Husband is good around the house and always cooks for me when he’s in.

Tonight we had an argument. He asked me what was wrong and I said I’m knackered, I’m doing all the hard jobs. He doesn’t agree and is refusing to talk to me. I feel like after several other arguments, we’re on the brink of divorce. He always ends the argument with… ‘You’re the one who did this to us. You wanted the baby’.

Am I being unreasonable as I begged for a second and promised to do everything with the baby?
He says he loves baby but it seems like he resents her which makes me so sad.

I’m trying to stick to my promise and put his feelings and mental health first for the sake of keeping our family unit together but he feels I’m doing the opposite. I feel so unsupported. Why doesn’t he want to support me when he can see I’m low. I just can’t help but feel he’s being extremely selfish!

We have no family close to us (6 hours away) which doesn’t help. We never have a babysitter and I never have ‘me time’.

Not sure what I’m expecting from posting this but feels good to vent.

He had two children but is only bothered about one and you have to do everything. What a selfish person he must be. Best off as a single parent without the stress of this loser.

You honestly both sound like appalling parents.

That’s horrid to state. How nasty of you.

i had this conversation with my husband....over a dog! YABU. your poor DD. he told you he didnt want another child....and you ignored his wishes.

Clearly it wasn’t a good idea to have this child when your husband didn’t want a second. However now that he’s here he needs to step up. He’s an utter bastard and I would all
respect for my other half if he behaved like this. Therapy or bust for me, but I’m not sure I could stick around after seeing his ability to blatantly ignore his own child.

@ButterCrackers it's the truth.
The husband is ignoring the youngest child and the wife is allowing it.
This is going to be one fucked up kid with a major sibling rivalry complex

@PomPomQueen1
You had a child to satisfy your wants. He did not desire to have another child because he had no such want. He was very clear about his feelings.

You are not unlike my kids who wanted a pet and swore that they would be responsible for all of its needs. Once the pet arrived, they feel in love with it, but within 3 months were tired of the feeding and cleaning.

It is unfortunate that you have become tired of the responsibility that you committed to undertake. It is probably not the baby that he is resenting; he is more likely resenting himself for agreeing to this situation and resenting you for putting him in this position.

There are no good or easy answers to your situation. You might try couples counseling, but your situation is sad because a second child was a want but not a need. His agreeing was unfortunate because he knew that he did not want another child but agreed to this as though it were no more significant than getting a pet. Sadly, you cannot re-home a baby when you tire of the responsibility of caring for it or choose not to bond with it.

Things may change ,but it was an unnecessary risk to take with a human life. This baby deserved better from both of you.

Isn’t it just. Do some people just come on here to be vicious?

i can’t understand people berating the OP, yes it wasn’t a wise decision but it’s a bit late now! The child is here now and he needs to step up.

@Avondale89 it's honest. Not vicious.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Your post was incredibly nasty and unhelpful. I’m not sure what the OP is supposed to do with that information.

Wtf are some of these responses, if he didn’t want a second child he should have wore a condom! Yes Op you may have spoken to him/badgered him but surely people can’t be that thick that it takes two to make a baby?

yes the agreement was you do everything, however, he should have the common sense to know the family dynamic obviously wouldn’t work if he doesn’t show love and support! He will cause a rift between the daughters as they get older with the eldest being labelled “the favourite”..
I would have a serious chat with him and say that yes you agreed to do everything,l but in that instance he should have just made it very clear he wouldn’t be having unprotected sex unless you both agree no baby.

instead he willingly has unprotected sex which (obviously) a baby has now appeared.

he should be stepping up and wanting to do what he has done for the eldest daughter, you need to say to him this family won’t work/relationship unless he starts to grow up.

yes you wanted a second child and probably nagged for one, I have many of times done this to my husband when I feel broody! However he’s not stupid and knows by getting me pregnant comes along with responsibility, so he firmly stands his ground and says no, also he’s reassured because I’m on the coil.

you both have another lovely daughter, your eldest now has a little sister and the bond between them should be unbroken, him carrying on the way he is will tear this all apart, he’s being selfish!

Get her act together. She had a child knowing her husband would ignore its needs.
She's got what she wants so now she needs to step up

What kind of a man would treat his child like that?

This is really sad for your younger dd. Tough situation all round. He shouldn't have agreed on that basis, but I also think it was unreasonable of him to deny your child a sibling and you another child. Did he say he only wanted one before your first born? It would have been unreasonable of him not to say so before. I would strongly consider breaking up with him before it affects your daughter's relationship. I'd potentially wait it out to see if he becomes more involved once she is a toddler, but if he doesn't then I would definitely not continue living with him. I wouldn't tolerate a father going out drinking 4 nights a week though, I'd insist on that stopping right away.

I experienced something every similar - except my (our) twins were planned in that they were a result of multiple rounds of IVF. My ex husband announced when they were babies that he didn't really want them - never expected IVF to actually work and didn't have a bond or connection or love them the same as our eldest. In the fog of my happiness of actually bringing two precious healthy babies home I didn't see until it was too late how little he actually did with them - like you OP he started going to the gym every day - I did every nappy, night feed, dinner, bath, night waking (all whilst working full time). When he admitted his feelings I packed his bags and filed for divorce. His resentment and anger towards them disrupting our previously happy family of 3 was becoming obvious. He openly said he wouldn't want them for overnight contact until they are much older. And with that he he left

My point is OP - your husband is a disgrace of a father and whilst he warned you what would happen and he is making good on his word he is being a poor excuse for a father and a human being and the only one who will suffer here is your youngest and ultimately it may cause a rift with the eldest who may play on her "favourite" status and cause negative personality traits to appear in her

I don't feel sorry for you because you badgered him till you got what you wanted. You promised to do all the hard work and so you should do it. He was probably in a corner of losing his family until he gave in. I do feel sorry for the baby that has to bear the brunt of this.

Actually, I don't think I could wait to see if he becomes more involved. It shows what kind of person he is, not wanting to be involved with his own child and doing what he wants more than half the week.

What a vile disgusting man he is. You need to think about being a single parent. This is abusive and you and your second born will be in danger.

And a woman who truly loves her husband does not force him into agreeing to get her pregnant even when he tells her he does not want it. She wasn't worried about her husband, or children she just wanted what she wanted and got it. And now she's on here bitching because it isn't all roses and now everyone is paying the price of her selfishness.

Completely agree. Even if he's different when baby turns into toddler and so forth, or even decides to change his tune now, I'd end up resenting him anyway for how he's behaved. You may have pressurised him into another baby, but he agreed, and now thinks it's acceptable to be a shitty dad and husband. Nothing excuses that behaviour.

She ain’t wrong though. What a mess.

She didn't "force" him to get her pregnant 🙄.

It may have been a pressure point in their relationship but he still had free agency and the ability to say no.

Unfortunately this is not how happy families operate.

I think the OP and DH are getting way too much flack here.

They wanted different things and they came to a compromise. That's what reasonable people do. The alternatives also had drawbacks.

The baby years will be over soon, the hardest work will be a distant memory and the OP will have what she wanted and DH won't have needed to do too much graft. (I assume DH is contributing 50pc or so to household expenses.)

What a lovely individual you are. There’s a saying, if you have nothing nice/useful to say, say nothing at all