To think this may amount to child neglect?

[ElleC90]

Hi all. Basically what the title suggestions, quick back story. Split from narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-h end of 2019. He was physically abusive in the end and I left. Have 2 DS, one 12 and one 7. Ex husband is increasingly neglectful towards our children. He has them overnight 3 nights per week 3 weeks of the month and 2 nights per week 1 week of the month. My boys have told me numerous things (not questioned by me just in conversation) that he doesn't brush their teeth, falls asleep straight after dinner and they "put them selves' to bed, is always angry and screaming at them for one thing or another and I have witnessed myself when I pick them up on a Sunday, they are always in the same underwear and socks I put them on over 24 hours earlier before dropping them off to him. On occasion they are both still dressed in the exact same clothes I put on them 24 hours earlier and have told me they've slept in them. His home is so unclean and messy, cant see floor in living room or hallway and cant see kitchen worktops due to amount of crap on them. AIBU to say this amounts to child neglect? I am really concerned this will be messing them up and I just don't think he is looking after them as he should, but don't really know where to go or how I would go about contesting his current access.

Dentists would say that a 7yo should be closely supervised cleaning their teeth. Our tween needs reminding and his personal hygiene is highly questionable so we seem to constantly be reminding him about personal hygiene (including getting washed). Our dd though.(almost 7) would change into PJs, and couldn't bear sleeping in clothes. It doesn't sound like your dc have much supervision at their dad's and all the shouting sounds worrying. I still tuck our dc in (even the 12yo still gets a goodnight kiss).

Don’t let him go. He doesn’t want to. It’s sounds dire at dads house. Not a good place for your son. He doesn’t want to go. Don’t even say ‘would your dad be sad’ he doesn’t want to go.

Some are saying they should be old enough to change their own clothes, but do they have the option to? My parents were divorced. At my dads, he rarely did the laundry. Dirty clothes all sat in a pile on the basement floor and were only washed if we had detergent. Which was a rare occasion.
If they aren’t changing clothes because dad isn’t cleaning their clothes or giving them clean clothes as an option, this is neglect. Even if they do have clean clothes; this is likely neglect if the 7 year old at least. Kids this age don’t always fully understand why we need to change our clothes, if an adult isn’t making sure they do then they won’t see a problem with it.
have you asked the kids about the clothes?

Some of these responses are awful. I feel for you OP, you are quite right to be concerned.

What is the point of having the children over if he is falling asleep and not spending time with them in the evenings. The bar for men is so low on this site - people expecting a seven year old to look after themselves rather than their actual parent....its quite depressing. Childhood is brief, let you children be children and look after them! Don't understand why they need to be 'chucking' in washing loads at 12.

I hope you can get some good advice on here OP with how to move forward and I shake my head at everyone who shamed and suggested this mother is to blame for her ex partners parenting failures.

Definitely.