My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

He’s a weak man guided by his cock😂
you should feel sorry for him

it’s clear that when a girlfriend likes you he try’s to play dad
and when a girlfriend isn’t that bothered - well neither is he

The only time he will be the dad you want is when he is on his deathbed

honestly you have a lovely husband fab kids why waste your time on someone who is basically an asshole
sometimes it’s because you are stuck in that child - little girl mode and want your dad

If it was me I would tell him exactly what I think of him
and his wife to be and then piss on his grave when he dies but that’s just me

There needs to be an energetic shift here OP. I feel you’ve attached too much ‘power’ to this relationship and it’s very one sided. I think it’s time to just back away to take space to heal. I think there is a lot of loss for you to process in this dynamic.

Just want to say I hear you. I know it hurts.

YANBU - he’s inadequate to the point of real cruelty.

People who recognise, admit and apologise for their poor behaviour and then just carry on doing the same of things are the absolute WORST!

I think you've given him more than enough, even though he probably didn't deserve it, and you Dad sounds like a big negative in your life.

It sounds like you, DH and the kids are a really happy little unit. Don't let your Dad take the shine off your lovely life.

He made his bed, OP.

Put HIM out of sight and out of mind and move forward without a backward glance.x.

I have read your posts.
what a bastard.

You have every right to feel upset. I would step back totally. This relationship or the desire for a loving relationship is totally one sided and it’s you who has been honest, authentic and been vulnerable etc he can talk the talk and can’t walk the walk. Very simply walk away. No drama, no fuss etc

Please get therapy for all your years of hurt, you are not "too sensitive". No one else should tell you how to feel about it.

However, one thing I learned was to expect nothing from my father. Some people have said this is incredibly sad but I feel it's really helped me not to be too impacted when he's not put in the effort. If he's there, that's fine, if he's not then I'll be fine then too.

He's clearly got his own issues, especially if his relationships have dictated his behaviour. I wonder how much actual parenting, besides the easy stuff like being physically there (because he lives there), he has done for his gf's son. Don't get caught up in that mentality if you can avoid it.

My father was an utter wanker and I felt so much better once I accepted that and more-or-less ignored him. I made very little effort to keep in touch because there was no point: he just didn't give a shit.

OP, I know it is so painful and so hard, but at least this clarifies things. Send him a card for his wedding, and then let him make the next move: don't get in touch again until he does. You might find that you are in for a long wait.

I’m so sorry how you’ve been treated, parental rejection hurts so much however old you are. Not being included, especially after you worked so hard to try and rebuild your relationship is cruel and just shows how thoughtless and unkind your father and his partner are. Unfortunately going no contact is probably the kindest way forward for you and will hopefully help you to heal to some extent with time. I would spell it out to him exactly why you are cutting him off though, he might not care (my father didn’t) but he needs to know exactly how cruel he’s been, laying it all out and telling him will help you in the long term.

I was 26/27 the first and only time I met my father, at my paternal Grandmother’s funeral. After she died, before the funeral my Uncle facilitated for us to get in touch with each other via email so the very first contact wasn’t at the funeral. He really seemed to want to build a relationship and play a part in my life. We communicated briefly at the funeral but afterwards he dramatically pulled back, I was the one always initiating contact and when we did chat he became clear he wasn’t interested in getting to know me or having a relationship he was far more interested in trying to find out information about my Mum. I tried for a few years with sporadic contact, but in just hurt and I stopped contact for about 4 years, I tried again about 2 years ago, but he wasn’t interested. In the end I sent a long email explaining exactly how he’d made me feel and that I wasn’t going to chase him anymore. I then deleted all contact details I had for him, it actually felt therapeutic and I’ve far more at peace with it now. It still hurts but far less so than before and I’ve realised he’s the one missing out not me. He’s a selfish idiot and is shouldn’t need or want him in my life anyway.

I really hope in time you can move on and realise he’s the one missing out, he’s the one who is damaged (and he is damaged to treat you so horribly) and that actually your life is better without him bringing you down and constantly disappointing you.

I would cut ties. No father's Day card this weekend, no calls or texts, leave it all to him and don't reply, or reply very minimally as though he were an acquaintance. He doesn't care for you, I'm sorry, he will only continue to hurt you. Let him loose and focus on the people in your life who do care.

How awful. YANBU to be upset.
I was the excluded one at my dad's wedding, too... I sort of got it: DB was best man, Bride's DD was bridesmaid and her DS gave her away. They were all at top table with their other halves and the DDs child - the only grandchild at that point. The mums/grannies and aunties (DF's and DSM's sisters) were on a special table at the front.
Me and then DP (now DH) were on a table miles away with people we didn't know, like the bloody black sheep.
Then DF was "too busy" to come to my wedding, though I know DSM tried to make it possible.

I didn't worry too much back then, but when you have your own children you think "Jeez, I could never treat them like that!" and it seems all the more painful.

You sound a lovely person and I'm sorry he sounds like a pathetic dad. I'm glad you have lots of love from your husband and children.

Cut him out - he doesn’t deserve your lovely family and you will feel so much better making the decision yourself rather than waiting for him to sort himself out. Make sure he and his family all know the reason. What a bunch of twats.

Agree with going low / no contact and prioritising other relationships. Also give your young self a huge hug and know that you are and were worthy of your parents attention and love and if they didn’t / couldn’t give that it’s their burden not yours. Celebrate that your kids will never know this hurt because you’ll never treat them like this.

I too have a shit dad, who continually lets me down and yet, I continually go back for more, desperately seeking approval and love from him, and setting myself up for more hurt.

I'm nearly 40 FFS! I should just leave him to it!

No real advice sorry, wish I knew the answer, but you have my sympathy.

Someone I know who has a crap dad once told me that it was "better to have a shit dad, than no dad". I think a lot of people follow this line. I totally disagree with it.

Your dad has no backbone and is a coward. He does whatever his latest GF wants and hurts those who he should love the most.

You are wasting emotional and mental time and energy on him. Let me tell you something. As soon as he gets old, or ill, his GF/ wife, if she is still around, and he will be tapping on your door to help out as you are his blood daughter.

Don't waste any more time on him. Drop the rope. Let him contact you, and keep it short and simple. Start calling him by his name, rather than dad.

As someone upthread suggested, with his new family he is "the man". The guy paying for the step son and his GF. He's ACE. He doesn't want you there because your presence shines a light on the fact that he is a fraud, a deadbeat dad.

You have your DH and your lovely DC. You don't need someone sucking the joy out of your life. Let it go. Lance the septic boil from your life.

It's time to move on from this relationship.

Your Father's treatment of you is disgusting. It is going to hurt but I think you should cut all ties. I also think counselling would help. Being told all of your childhood that you are the sensitive one can really mess with your head. Believe me I have been there. I finally cut ties with my family when I was in my late 30's. I have a wonderful husband and daughter and focus on them now. Take care of yourself OP, it can be extremely hurtful when family treat you like this.

Oh man. I could of written this post

my mum and dad got divorced when I was 8 or so. Incredibly amicable divorce and even all these years later they still speak and are really good friends. He remarried when I was 11 and for a long time my stepmother was like a second mother to me and I adored her

one day she say me down and said ‘your father never loved you. He never wanted you and he wished you weren’t around’. It took me months to get the courage to tell my father what she said and he simply said ‘I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way’. We’ve never spoken of it again but I never forgave or forgot.

anyway they moved abroad and I see my dad maybe once a year. my stepsister went out there for a house swap for a good 8 weeks which was never offered to me. Their children went out for 2 weeks which has never been offered to me. My other stepsister sees them and goes out thete

this yeah he came over. Saw everyone BUT me. So I totally understand. He said he didn’t have time to see me as he came over only for funerals but he saw my stepsisters…..

I found out my dad got remarried when I saw a photo of their wedding at my nans (his mum) house.

He told you want you wanted to hear.
But a clear case of actions speak louder than words. Sounds like he's happiest when your relationship is at a distance.

You are not over sensitive.

You just have a shit dad who says this to make himself feel better about being a shit dad.

He brings nothing to your life and has treated you appallingly. I would cut him out for good. You deserve better than this.

This is awful OP. Always remember, every time he does this shit, that it’s absolutely one hundred percent about him. It’s not you. He’s an ineffectual, inadequate parent who has treated you awfully.

You're not oversensitive at all. You're an adult who has had to go through life always wondering if your dad will finally step up and be decent, only to be let down time and time again.

You have a lovely family unit and healthy relationships in your life. You don't need to waste emotional energy on a man who prioritises whoever his latest girlfriend is.

I think he's hurt you enough.
Stop hoping for scraps.
Oh & dont feel any need ti go & support him when he's old,
He has his new family & friends.

Ah, the old "you're too sensitive" line. Trotted out by those who dont want to admit they've treated people like the dirt off their shoe and so shift blame to the other person instead. Classic manipulation technique.

You are NOT being too sensitive- you want a relationship with your dad, I mean, goodness, thats not an outrageous thing to ask at all. As PP have said, you arent too sensitive, you just have a shit, deadbeat dad and you deserve better.

Your dad could learn a lot from being more like you. Cut him out like a malignant tumour, he brings nothing to your life except disappointment, distress and pain.

My guess is, as soon as this relationship breaks down and/or he gets old and frail, he'll suddenly expect you to conveniently resume the daughter role because thats when it suits him. Its just pure selfishness. He's an arsehole.