My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

I think you’ve done the right thing OP. If you’d stayed silent you would have always been tempted to get in touch again or given him another chance to change. I know it’s painful now but hopefully it will give you evidence that you made the right decision and the relationship cannot be improved.

I also think that you’re so used to being treated badly by him that you’re overlooking the fact that him sharing such a personal message with other people is a huge betrayal of your trust. And that alone would be hugely damaging in a normal relationship

I gave it a couple of weeks and then replied. So much of what he (and she) had said was wrong and I felt the need to defend the point I'd made. I also apologised for causing hurt, but reiterated that this wasn't about me lashing out to upset him, nor was it about money, but it was about drawing a line that was causing me pain. It was calm and conciliatory although I did say that I didn't feel it was appropriate that she had replied when I'd messaged him and I was still processing her email.

Mistake.

As you all rightly suggested, replying simply gave him more ammunition to come at me with. He was angrier this time, mainly I think because I had the audacity to criticise his wife. He defended her message, saying it was only right I heard some home truths. He also said that he saw that it was ALL about money and if anyone had had lack of care shown to them, it was him.

He doubled down on the 'you have no idea how much you've hurt me' message. He referenced the first time I ever called him out on shitty behaviour (which was almost 30 years ago) which led to us not speaking for a couple of years. Interestingly, despite previously apologising for it, he's now rewritten history and made it another example of how unreasonable and hurtful I am towards him.

While it's hurtful to read, it's also helping enormously to be able to close the door and move on. He is proving to be every bit the narcissist I believed him to be - there isn't a single moment of reflection and 'I'm so sorry this/we could have made you feel this way'. Instead it's all about proving the different ways I'm wrong or have behaved badly and caused him hurt. He's said that he's clearly not the dad I'd hoped for and went on to reference 'his grandkids' and how I'm keeping them away from him.

This has all proved that I was right to step away, but my God, it's been painful. He has caused such deep-rooted problems all of my life - I've grown up always feeling less than, or not good enough. He's made me feel small and unimportant, or made me the butt of the joke, and he shows no empathy, understanding or support when times are tough - for me, my husband, my children. I'm now learning that this is not love. Love isn't conditional. Love isn't one sided. Love doesn't make you feel invisible.

So I'm done. I feel horrendous that I've caused this upset, of course, especially to a 75 year old man, but I also feel liberated that I've said 'enough' and followed through.

Congratulations @BreathingDeep , you're free.

It will pass and you will move on and leave it behind.

Good for you op 💐. Put it all behind you and carry on with your life with your lovely family. His age doesn't erase all the pain he's caused you. I wish you well 💐

💐 for you @BreathingDeep.

Your posts show that you have really thought about this and have insight into both their behaviour, and your own - it really does show a level of emotional maturity that they will never reach. I'm so sorry you've been so hurt, but you can now move forward. Best of luck for the future!

Block them from every platform and get dh to do the same.

Youre going to be okay. Funny they told you tou shiuld be focusing on the future when thats exactly what you are doing, it just doesnt include them in yours! Chin up, deep breathnits going to be okay. Sending lots of love Xx

You’re keeping their grandkids from him? The grandkids that he didn’t want at his wedding.
It’s very easy for him to keep going on about how hurt he is and deflecting from the hurt he has caused.

Be grateful that you now won't be guilted into taking care of him in his dotage. He was a Father in DNA only.

Oh @BreathingDeep I just want to give you the biggest biggest hug. You have been so brave, and without shadow of a doubt you have done the right thing, but I imagine the grieving process for you must just be awful. I wish you the freedom from the pain of this all, and that soon relief and joy at not being fettered by these people comes to you. I think you're marvellous, and your children sound wonderful too, which is a testament to the life you've created for them.

And remember, the entirety of mumsnet think you're a heroine - and they are cunts.

lots of love xxx

I’ve read your posts.., you have absolutely done the right thing. He didn’t want you or his beloved’ grandchildren to at his wedding . So you are only his child when it benefits him. Luckily that isn’t his choice to make. Block him, maybe get some counselling to make peace for yourself.

the pain will ease over time, you will replace it with the joy your family brings to you.

oh and fuck him and his wife, they don’t deserve you!

Many of us know the excruciating pain of having to wake up to the fact that our parents are pretty awful people, we'd not wish it on anyone. I too can tell you that it does pass, slowly, but it does stop hurting eventually.

You have done everything in your power to navigate this in a way that i respectful, but clear in that you feel (justifiably) hard done by. As you say, it looks like he is the narc you always felt he was.

To narcs, we're all just tools to make them feel better, we don't matter to them. this is not because of anything we are/aren't/do/do not have or haven't done. Nothing we could have done (apart from coming back for more and more hitty behaviour) would have changed what has happened.

On some tiny level, he knows what he had done and the fact you have realised is why he's so angry. the house of cards that is his facade of a decent human being is very flimsy

I’d be tempted to email back and say
“Thank you” then block them both and the son on all social media, emails, text everything.

You could be done which would make a lot of sense.

I would be so tempted to send one final email saying he is the one that has hurt you by:

abandoning you as a child and into adult life, consistently not being there

not inviting you, his daughter, to his own wedding and not understanding why that might be an issue for you

allowing his wife to send you an abusive email and then condoning it when you have been polite throughout. And also sharing it around family and friends as if this could be something to feel proud of

showing zero emotional reflection or maturity in terms of being able to appreciate the impact on you of those actions and instead deflecting the blame onto yourself. That your actions in calling him out on his appalling behaviour are what seem to have sparked his rage. He is angry about being called out and angry at you for calling him out out so somehow he seems to think it's all your fault which no logical person could conclude

And that you feel really sorry for him and her for lacking this emotional maturity and for the fact that their selfish actions mean they will no longer have a relationship with your lovely family

And that any further communications will not be read or responded to.

In Spain to rent your apartment or house, being a non resident, you have to present the tax form 210 every three months, unless you charged a company to handle it and to generate invoices. It’s also illegal to be paid ‘000s in cash.

You might want to know that in Spain no one can be removed from their home (as in “a place with a bed where someone has spent at least 24h”) under no circumstances without involving a judge and a trial. Which usually takes 2+ years. It’s better to do it “the nice way” and seek a solution with the people that rented it. If someone is already inside and they don’t want to leave they don’t have to.

if I were you I would also be checking platforms such as Airbnb to see if the apartment is being offered

@BreathingDeep

To (mis)quote Dr King; "Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, you're free at last!".

Spread those wings and FLY!!

No further contact, please. Again, nothing you say will ever affect his belief that he is the 'injured party' and you the 'ungrateful child'. To sum it up...fuck him, the horse he rode in on, and the stable he's keeping it at!

I hate to sound so repetitive, but you glorious people have been sent by the Gods. Honestly, your responses, kindness, thought and care have made such a difference. While I'm able to talk things through with DH, who is 100% supportive but also, of course, biased towards my perspective, it has been so helpful to hear your thoughts and experiences to help me cut through the noise of guilt, worry, anger and hurt.

There are so many of you to specifically thank but @AcrossthePond55 I so wish you were close by so I could take you for dinner, talk your ear off and gush thanks in your direction. And yet again, you are so very right - I am free!

And @Cablescablescables your email has powered me through. I will happily take heroine status, even if just for a day or two. Thank you!

While my dad's last email initially took the wind out of me, the coldness, anger and attempts to make me the villain again and again has really helped me to close the door shut. There isn't a shred of compassion or understanding or apology, it's all just words and rewritten history used against me, and I have no room or energy for that in my genuinely lovely life.

A friend suggested the other day that anytime anyone ever comes close to disagreeing or not liking something he's done, my dad just walks away. He's left three marriages, countless long-term relationships, a child, jobs... even his parents, who hated the way he behaved, he then kept at a distance. The fact I've taken control by saying that I want to step away has clearly triggered something furious in him, so I won't be surprised if this isn't the last I hear of it.

But for now, as you all have said so wonderfully - I am indeed free, and I feel lighter than I have in a long time.

Your dad is a narcissist @BreathingDeep and nothing you say or do will make him think he’s wrong, you’ll just make him think he’s even more the victim.
He will be annoyed you called him out, he will be annoyed you were the one to step away… He’s annoyed you took control and annoyed you’ve implied you don’t ‘need’ him!
Don’t give him anymore attention, block him! If people contact you and ask questions brush it off if you can with a breezy reply like ‘We don’t talk anymore, I’m happy and I’d rather not talk about him/spend anymore time thinking about him’… if that got back to him it will neither boost his ego like you saying you’re upset/hurt etc… and he can’t claim to be a victim of you being nasty like he would if you said ‘he’s not much of a father/grandfather’ etc.. Don’t give him anymore ammo

All the good wishes to you @BreathingDeep, I hope you find some measure of peace in the knowledge so many strangers think you have acted with grace, maturity and emotional intelligence throughout. I have a fractured relationship with my narcissist mother myself and wish I had the strength to confront her bad behaviour as you have done.

Mind yourself 💐

Best wishes @BreathingDeep - you've been great & handled yourself so well. I hope you find peace.

@BreathingDeep

I wish I was close enough to enjoy that dinner but I'd fill your ears with praise for your honesty and your strength. We may have said/written the words, but you faced them with unflinching honesty and used your inner strength to accept those words and use them to break free. What you did was hard, really hard so take the credit due you for prizing yourself and your life highly enough to take the actions you did. You are and will reap the rewards for years to come.

From this side of the pond, "Hands across the Water".

I thought I'd pop on here and update, as you were all so wonderful with support and advice when I was really struggling with everything that had happened between my father and I.

Since my last post, over a year ago now, I've definitely had the odd moments of wobble, feeling guilt, remorse, sadness... but overall, I can safely say I'm thriving, as is my glorious family.

After his last email, which was cold and furious and totally rewrote history in his favour, I chose not to reply. All his, and his wife's, communications to that point had focussed solely on all the different ways I was wrong and I was at fault, and there wasn't a single moment of reflection which told me all I needed to know.

Since then, there has been no contact and, honestly, I feel free. Since we've been estranged, I've had a cancer diagnosis (not life threatening), had treatment and come out the other side. My eldest graduated and I've had a milestone birthday, and at no point have I wanted him close.

He and his wife send oversized emotional cards to the children for their birthdays, referencing how much he loves and misses them - to which they roll their eyes in the way only teenagers can.

He sent each child a gift card for Christmas and I suggested that they send a thank you note, but didn't insist. One of my daughters text to say thank you (in her words "it's less effort than writing a letter and he has my number anyway..."). He replied, but didn't ask her a single question about how she was, he just told her all about the fabulous holiday he was on.

While it hasn't been easy, far from it, and there are times I feel desperately sad, I know it's the right thing for me to have done. I feel transformed and don't actively try and make myself something I'm not. For the first time, I like myself - surely that's not coincidence?

I’m so happy to read this, OP! You’ve come a long way since starting the thread. Sorry to hear about the cancer but glad you overcame it.

Given your father’s continued self-interest, I can only imagine he sends your dc cards so that you are forced to remember he exists. I think silence was the best answer you could have given.

I'm so glad you have made the break and enough time has gone by for you to see that it has worked for you. Definitely not a coincidence that you're happy with yourself now.

Good luck and good health to you!