My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

Oh lovely. I’m so sorry that’s happened. Very very bad form from your dad.

You know that saying ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them.’

He’s shown you (again). Believe him.

Grieve and know it’s his loss. Don’t give him any more effort.

It’s time to drop the rope with him. Don’t initiate contact with him. If you still want a relationship with him, when/if he contacts you, give minimal engagement. Make him do the work for maintaining the relationship with you for a change. I have a feeling that he won’t be putting much effort into the relationship and it will fizzle out.

If you decide you don’t want to continue contact with him, don’t answer his calls or respond when he reaches out. Focus your efforts on relationships with people who reciprocate.

Don’t allow him contact with your children. Protect them from facing his rejection and then being gaslighted into believing they are “too sensitive” for noticing his indifference.

I’m unfortunately dealing with something similar. My family of origin only contacts me when they need something from me. I’m the one who calls/messages/tries to visit/invites them over, to have a relationship. We’ve been back in the town they live in for a year (after living 1000’s of miles away) and they haven’t visited us or gotten together with us once. When I call or message, they say they will call back, but never do. They haven’t seen my children, but post all over social media visits with other relatives’ children. It really hurts and I’ve been struggling with depression since moving back here. This week, I’ve finally decided to drop the rope and stop trying. Now I’m working on my mental health and moving on.

I don't mean this in a unkind way but it appears you are not priority for your dad. Maybe it is time to let go and mourn the loss the relationship.

You aren’t being unreasonable. He will never stop triggering feeling of rejection in you though. It’s the only thing he’s ever consistently done.

Lower your expectations of this man. Perhaps call him by his first name. Not Dad. That title has to be earned to be true. Perhaps the time is right to give more thought around why you don’t feel you deserve better. Perhaps you were brought up to people please, and put others on a pedestal at the expense of your own well-being? Perhaps the time is right now to draw some boundaries.

Spend that holiday money on something you and your immediate family want to do. Make it fabulous. Send a card for the wedding, wave and smile and wish them well.

Most importantly, realise what this man is, and always has been. See the reality and the truth. Grieve for a while for what you thought you had. Then let it go.

Create room in your life for people that treat you with respect and kindness and make you feel valued. Space for being accepted for being you. The adult you that recognises that that little girl deserved far better. Do that for her.

Good luck, OP. 💐

That's really shitty behaviour of him. Are you going to tell him? If you do you might have to spell it out to him.

I admire your control, I would have told him to fuck off.

I can see this would be a bit disappointing but I don't think they deliberately didn't invite you. I mean the holiday was never intended to be a wedding was it. Sounds like your Dad's siblings, parents etc aren't going either, or your 'step mums'. I've no idea where they're going but let's say it's a something like a Sandals resort....its really not geared up for children.
As for paying for SMs child...has this person been a big part of your dads life ie is he closer to them because he's lived with them? It's disappointing but you can't change the past. You might become very close one day but you won't have a traditional father-daughter relationship.

That's so hurtful. This man has never had the role of "father" in your life, just the title. And he has shown you repeatedly that you are "daughter" in name only to him. It's time to put him in his real place in your life. He should be seen as nothing more than a distant relative you send a card to at Christmas.

Oh just cut the knobhead out of your life for good. What does he actually bring to your life? Anything?

Some of these stories of pp’s not being invited to their dads weddings or made to feel unwelcome are just atrocious - I cannot imagine what a shitty human being someone must be to treat their own child that way. I wouldn’t have anything to do with the lot of them ever again.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

I think you need to tell him how you feel and at the same time realise he's never going to be a 'dsd' to you. It's rubbish but you've gotvto adjust your expectations so ge can't disappoint you

I am guessing that he is the one who told you that you are too sensitive. I would guess that his soon to be wife is the one who makes the arrangements and so favours her own child. He needs a kick up the damn arse about it all. I am so sorry, I would guess he loves you as much as he is able, but there is something missing in the way he understands love.

He’s a weak man to allow this

you're not too sensitive. That's a predictable normal reaction.
I agree with the poster who says he wants an easy life. An easy life right now means revolving all decisions around his new wife. Doing the right thing is not his ''north star''. If he doesn't know you well, it's cos his God is the Easy Life.

It's not you.

He really is the shittest dad. What an absolute arsehole. Value and nurture yourself OP. Don't devalue yourself by accepting anymore of this treatment as 'normal'.

BTW my dad is crap too so coming from a place of understanding.

Just stop the relationship with him. He is an asshat. I am not sure why PPs are bending over backwards to find ways to defend him.

I wouldn’t be going out of my way for him anymore.

Don’t let him feel like a good dad by making the effort anymore.

@BreathingDeep That's absolutely cruel and unacceptable.
I'm really sorry your dad is so utterly WEAK and UNFAIR in the face of the new woman.

No wonder you feel so hurt.

DO tell him how you feel.

Yes, this. ⬆️

@BreathingDeep Situations like this cause untold hurt.

Many men are weak in the face of a naggy new woman, they hurt their innocent daughters and sons in the process.

This is so true. My dad wasn't a good dad (they weren't separated, they were just terrible parents and totally self absorbed). They would have pulled this kind of shit about inviting everyone but me and my family. But as soon as both of them got ill, they wanted/expected me to step up and help out.

Disappointing is not being able to go to a social event because you get ill at the last minute. Acknowledging you have a parent that just doesn't care about you is painful and extremely hurtful, not disappointing. I can't understand your attitude. Do you have parents? Do they just ignore you too?

Baffling.

You're not being too sensitive. It's pretty normal to want your nearest and dearest to be at your wedding. When you talked about coming he could have said, "I know, if you stay nearby and can get childcare could that work for you" and he could offer to pay toward your costs - but you got a brush off instead.

I agree with others that you should drop the rope. Put in the effort that you are getting out to protect yourself.

What a horrible and nasty thing to have done to you. You have my empathy, I am being excluded from my siblings wedding next month when all of my other family are invited. It is a horrible feeling. You poor thing you do not deserve to be treated this way.

Anybody would be “sensitive“ about that. Your dad is an arse.

They went out of their way to include her son but decided (as it is a choice) to have a wedding unsuitable for his daughter. I can guarantee if the son had children the wedding would be suitable because she is invested in her child when the OPs father is not invested in her.