My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

YANBU, for all he said during that vulnerable time you both talked he has reverted back to his old selfish self.
I wouldn't bother telling him anything, he doesn't care, not really and he won make an effort to fix anything.
I'd just phase him out.

That is hurtful. The fact that you are still willing to try to see their p.o.v shows that you have more emotional intelligence and ability to reconcile reasonably than they do. I don't see any good reason for not inviting you and it's a pity he can't see how not inviting you will only damage what you have managed to mend. Whilst it may go against your nature I think he deserves a taste of his own medicine if you were to say you needed to cut contact for a while and figure out if you still want a relationship with him. It's really on your terms now.

But if you’re wanting to take kids, I can see their point.

if you don’t take the kids, perhaps that would mean you could go @BreathingDeep

Wow OP, that's shit and I don't think you are being sensitive over it at all. Honestly, I just don't think he's ever going to be the dad you want. He might half heartedly try, but he is probably going to always do stuff like this and hurt you. You can either accept it as it is and take a massive step back and lower your expectations, or go NC. Either way, I'd have to tell him how massively disappointed and upset you are after making such an effort to patch up your relationship. I'm sorry.

Shitty father and a shitty human being. I'm actually dumbfounded.

I think that is so hurtful of your dad and I'd would be really upset if I were you. But I guess all you can say is that he has shown his true colours and perhaps from now don't invest anything in the relationship with him to save yourself from hurt. Sorry you have to go through this. Perhaps treat yourselves to a holiday and forget about him as much as possible!

Tbh that’s horrible especially as you’ve already had a chat etc. I would be inclined to go low contact and gradually drop him. I agree he has shown you his true colours, and where you factor in his priority level.

It doesn't matter what he says, his actions speak a lot louder than words. It hurts but I would lower contact to a bare minimum. Don't be there every time he decides to throw scraps of attention your way, it will destroy your self esteem.

Bloody hell...savage but perfect summing up of the situation. OP so sorry, it's not fair on you at all.

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I think I'm so used to this kind of thing from him, I do wonder if it's me that's overreacting.

To answer the question, it wasn't that we insisted on taking the children, we weren't invited at all - kids or no kids. The first time we talked about us going was when I mentioned that we could get costs to see if it was possible (suspecting it wouldn't be as they have very expensive taste), and he just said it was an adults-only hotel, couples-only hotel so it's not possible. There was no suggestion that DH and I could go alone.

Have you told him he's a class A shit and not worthy of your time and energy?

I know how you feel. I wasn't part of the bridal party at my dads wedding. I had to walk from hotel to the venue when all the others got in a car together. When I got to the venue me and my brother both didn't even have a seat to sit in we both stood by the doors at the very very back. I didn't get to go on the bus booked for the family to the wedding reception I drove myself to the reception to look after my grandparents. My dad nor his partner spoke to me or my brother the whole day. Ever ever since my grandparents died I've not spoken my dad. If I text on Birthday/Father's Day/Christmas he doesn't reply it's been 3 years now I still text , he still doesn't reply. Pretty cut up about it still to be honest. Just cut your losses op I shouldn't have gone and maybe neither should you. Feelings were pretty clear we weren't welcome.

This is so sad, especially as you had a big chat and seemed to move forward.

He’s not the dad that you want and deserve but that’s his failing, not yours.

This 💯

I would tell him exactly why you are hurt, that a random girlfriend is more important than you and how upset and disappointed you are in him.

I would close the door firmly after that, because I don’t how the relationship recovers from such a painful rejection.

You are not sensitive, your parents didn’t want to look at the pain they have caused.

I agree! ⬆️

Simular situation with me & my dad. He left my mum & then put his sh@gging around way above his relationship with me...for years on end.

Only really got back to a semi decent relationship (very much on the surface - never close) when I had kids & told him if he didn't make much more effort to be a grandad than he did a dad, then he wouldn't be in their lives... at all.

Things are OK with us now but only really because I've put all the hurt & anger into a mental box somewhere & buried it deep - for the sake of my kids having a grandad.

How hurtful for you. No, you're not being over sensitive. I'm sorry op. Lots of the advice above from wise mumsnetters is very good. Believe him when he shows you who he is.

Could they not recommend a nearby family-friendly venue for you to stay at, and then you join them for the wedding?

This is such bizarre, distant behaviour.

I think you need to tell your dad how you feel.

You are not oversensitive..... just treated terribly by your father. Sorry for your hurt x

Existing, I am so, so sorry you've had to go through this - that must have been so painful. And for what it's worth, the fact that you continue to be the bigger person and text him on important days speaks volumes about you and how huge your heart is. I'm not surprised you're still hurting. Some things just don't heal with time.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts - it is so reassuring to know that this isn't the behaviour of a loving parent. I've spent my entire life begging for scraps of attention from him and just as it feels like we're getting onto an even keel, this happens.

What makes it feel even more painful is that DH and I have had a really difficult, painful year and, out of desperation, opened up to them both about how hard and scary things have been and I should have seen their lack of concern or care for what it was.

I've excused his lack of thought time and time again, and have prioritised trying to make my relationship with him better over other things repeatedly, but I need to admit defeat and accept that it simply isn't what I wanted it to be, but that is his loss not mine. I have an incredible husband, magical children and a gloriously full life, so by phasing him out, there won't be a gap.

Your dad is a shit dad and he will never change towards you.
I think for your own sanity you should cut ties. I agree with other posters either low contact or no contact. He can make his mouth say anything but his actions speak louder than words. He is not and will never be the dad you crave. Take care op.

Could he have just assumed that you wouldn't go without the kids which is why the invitation didn't come? If he knows you'd only go with them and it's an adult only venue then he has a point. But if you'd have taken them, or if he doesnt know whether you'd go without them, you should have been asked.

My dad remarried and didn't even tell me. Never intended to I don't think. Only found out because my dads uncle bob bumped into my grandad (maternal side) forgot who he was talking to and started chatting to him about it.

Everyone in my dad's family (and her family) knew. But not his own daughter.

I would send him an email detailing exactly how you feel and how his refusal to let you and dh come shows that actually he doesn’t want you in his life ( I don’t get the couples bit as if you and dh go you are a couple?)

then I wouldn’t contact him again, accept he’s a shit father who doesn’t care and move on with your life without him

he doesn’t deserve you in his life

so by phasing him out, there won't be a gap.

Good for you.

Top & bottom is if he wanted you there you would have been invited.

I have a sibling who I thought I got on ok with.

They go on about family but when push comes to shove that obviously isn't me.

I wasn't invited to their wedding.

Partner's sibling invited plus friends.

Well, I know where I stand!