My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

I empathise. My dad raised another persons daughter (I’m his only daughter) but he was never around for me. Hearing her call him “dad” was painful. He lied to mum and said he was away for work but was essentially living a double life. I accepted that in order to have a relationship with him I had to do it on his terms, which is shit frankly. It doesn’t help but you deserve better.

I am so sorry that there are so many of us that have had halfhearted parents - I hate that I'm not alone with this. You all deserve better.

I realise I left out an important part which is that DH and I have children. Not little ones who could be disruptive or restrictive, but of an age where they love travelling and embrace new experiences with enthusiasm. This is why an adults-only hotel isn't possible.

But would have you have gone to the wedding without the kids if you were invited?

It would have nice to have the choice! Her dh could have babysat the dc for the day.

He’s a shitty father. I’m sorry. He won’t change. Personally, I’d go low/no contact.

@NeverThatSerious

That’s very hurtful and unkind but, and I don’t mean to be horrible, your father has always been this way. He won’t change, not really. I’m sorry but if he continues to hurt you over and over, maybe consider whether you should accept him in your life anymore, protect yourself and your feelings.

This. ^ Have to say @BreathingDeep at this point I would be giving this man a wide berth, and actually would start ghosting him. He's an arsehole. He is thoughtless and selfish and unbelievably cruel to treat you like this.

I would be snipping him out of my life if I were you. One day his new wife and new (step) son will leave his life. You just watch! He is not the bio father to this child, and if he and the child's mum split up, it's very likely the stepson will 100% side with his mum. Leaving your 'father' with nothing because you will be long gone.

You need to get this man out of your life for the sake of your sanity, peace of mind, and mental health. I know a woman I'll call her ANNE (now 50-ish) who was treated like shit by her birth mother, (dumped her on her mum - Anne's grandma - as she couldn't be arsed to look after her. I'll call the birth mum Pat...)

Pat favoured Anne's brother who was 7 years younger, and even treated Anne's cousin's children like her own grandchildren, whilst ignoring Anne and her children. The reason for the hate and rejection? She hated Anne's birth dad. (He left her when she was 5 months pregnant and was never seen again.) Apparently it was all Anne's fault she was born. Anne ruined her life. 🙄Being born!

Anyway, Anne moved away and left Pat to it when her grandparents died 10 years ago. The brother moved away a year later to another country, and the cousin who Pat treated like a daughter (and her kids like her grandchildren) fell out with Pat when they discovered she had stolen money from one of the children. So now, Pat is left with nothing and no-one. Her husband left her about 12 years ago, and her parents died shortly after.

If only she hadn't been such a c*nt to Anne. She would have had HER in her life, AND her 2 children. Anne said hell will freeze over before she has this woman back in her life. She made her choice.

But yeah, I think you do need to cut this man loose. Get him out of your life. He is no good and never will be. Get rid of him. He brings nothing to your life.

Look after yourself.

I know I'm not disputing that, I'm just asking

That’s your parents guilt - they know they have been shitty to you but they can’t admit it to themselves so they blame you instead.

It’s noteworthy that this particular venue was chosen even though he has minor grandchildren. What a snake of a man.

OP I would back off from him. I think you’d be more content overall if he were not a feature in your life.

Jenna, to answer the question, there is every chance that we couldn't have gone even if we'd been invited as I know the cost will be sky high given their usual holidays, but what hurts is that it would have been nice to have felt that we'd been factored in because they wanted us there.

Interestingly, this comes after another family wedding abroad that we couldn't attend (we're the only ones in the family with children) and he and his partner were outraged that we were 'left out'. And yet, here we are.

I come from a family where I was told I was “too sensitive” when I voiced my feelings. It is hard to overcome that type of childhood conditioning but it is possible. I have recently been doing EMDR and it’s been great at giving me a second chance to appropriately process childhood emotions that were too overwhelming when I was younger.

I would definitely feel as you do. I medium chill most of my family now. So still see them but give them little of the centre of me.

The ones who tell you you’re ‘too sensitive’ tend to be the ones who treat you like shit. And want you to not point it out.

The only reason I was asking is if they've booked this hotel and then decided to get married there after the fact, and you'd have not gone without the kids anyway then it kind of leaves things awkward.

But I'm still not sure if you'd have gone or not.

Obviously, personally I would have included all of my family and my grandkids. I'm not saying he's right.

So along with not wanting his daughter there does not want his grandkids their either .

I would not want my children around such horrible grandad .

I

This ...

Oh @BreathingDeep that's really hurtful, of course YANBU to be upset about it.

Do you feel like you would be able to have a frank and honest conversation with him about it?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. My grandmother married twice and had two children ( boy and girl both times) with each husband. The children of her first marriage were treated very differently to the children of her second marriage. My DM lived with her DB and DF as they were the first marriage. Her mother would show her photos of all the things her siblings got at Christmas and all the parties they had. My DM Christmas dinner was fish fingers and chips and she never had a birthday party. DM went NC with her mother to protect herself as her mother is never going to change.

They did book the holiday before it became the wedding - so the holiday was booked for an adults-only resort, which is totally understandable. Then, it became the wedding destination as her son and girlfriend would be there with them so it seemed a good time to do it. And, as it became a wedding, they invited their best friends to join them. Their friends would be paying for themselves, but the son and girlfriend are being paid for by my dad and his partner.

We weren't invited, with children or without. We were just told it was happening and who was there. The only time it's been mentioned about us going was when I asked the question about where it was, so we could see if we could save up. Effectively, we were asking if we could invite ourselves, to which the answer was no as it's adults only, though I only have his word for this as I still don't know the hotel they're going to.

My mum didn’t bring me up and I craved attention from her until her death.
She let me and my brother and sister down so many times and it was really difficult each time. It took us until our 40s to grasp she was never going to change. We had a saying “She never fails to disappoint us” and that helped us to stop asking “Why did she do X, why did she just do Y?” We don’t need to know the answers really, she was just shit parents.

Look op. I think this is shit.

Truly

But if they vistrd the hotel and fell in love with it as a wedding venue and realised ah it's adults only did they just assume you wouldn't come because of the kids?

It seems like you have a lot of hurt feelings based on the past and potentially have lost your voice. But if you want to I would communicate and say even if it's adults only I'm assuming we are invited ?

It could be (and this is a large could*) be they have assumed you wouldn't come because of the kids, and you have assumed you guys weren't invited and a actual conversation would iron it out once and for all.

Seems like you have put in a lot of effort to get to a better place. I for one would want to know before i cut them out for my own sanity.

My Dad is a wonderful Dad and Grandad (to his step children and step daughters son 🙄) I know exactly how you feel, it's completely shit and YANBU to be hurt about his behaviour. I try not to let it bother me but it really does

He’s always been a shit dad and he continues to be. By trying to get closer to him you leave yourself open again. Save your time and affection for people who can reciprocate.

He is acting true to form. You may have felt you were closer to him recently, but he is still the same man who couldn't be bothered to really be your father.

The reality is he hasn't given you and your family a moment's thought about how you would be involved in this wedding and will just be going along with what his fiancée wants, hence the adult only resort wedding and paying for the son and girlfriend to go - it all works for her and hers and you weren't even considered.

I'm really sorry OP but it just shows you where you are in things with your father. My advice would be to make sure you don't overinvest emotionally in this man or he will just keep disappointing you.

Seen your most recent update. Ignore the previous comment from me.

I'm sorry op 💐

I agree. He hasnt changed and his words clearly mean shit. Actions speak louder than words and I'd be distancing myself completely from him. I am so sorry OP.