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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

479 replies

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 17:47

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

OP posts:
Justchooseone · 13/06/2023 19:18

I’m really sorry OP. YANBU, that’s really hurtful. I’d tell him then go NC tbh, but I don’t know whether it would bother him or not. Do whatever makes you feel happy/better xx

ShortDaysLongNights · 13/06/2023 19:19

You have my sympathies. Shitty behaviour. I have a similar ish relationship with my dad. Deep down, I do think he cares about me very much, but the emotional intelligence just isn't there. We live quite a way away so normally find out about big family gatherings organised by him and his wife after the event...the reason being "oh, we wouldn't have wanted you to travel all this way just for this" But it essentially means we're never there for anything.

However, the son and girlfriend being invited and also getting the trip paid for is particularly insulting. If you can gather the energy to let him know how you feel, I think it would make you feel better and makes him understand how upsetting his behaviour is (although I'm yet to do that myself...)

newhaircut · 13/06/2023 19:19

It could be (and this is a large could) be they have assumed you wouldn't come because of the kids, and you have assumed you guys weren't invited and a actual conversation would iron it out once and for all*

They literally asked if they could come and he turned them down. Theres no doubt here. He is behaving appallingly.

WonderDays · 13/06/2023 19:20

This is so hurtful, you could have gone on your own to see your DF get married. It’s cruel that the wife to be DC is invited but you aren’t.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/06/2023 19:21

Couples only so no kids

Does he think maybe that you couldn't leave your children /have anyone - or would your mum happily have them

It is shit

Why is her son and gf allowed and paid for

But you as his daughter and sil not invited or paid for

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 19:22

Eleganz your words sum it up perfectly. His partner's family are his priority and have been since they got together. In the past his partners have definitely dictated his behaviour. One was very young and not interested in family so we were more distant, but two loved that he had a daughter and so invested time in us as a family. His partner now hasn't really needed to as she has a family of her own, though she always seems keen to see us and spend time with us, but of course, her son will always come first for her, quite rightly. My dad just falls in line without much thought, I think. Out of sight is out of mind, and I've been out of sight since I was a baby.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 13/06/2023 19:23

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 18:20

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I think I'm so used to this kind of thing from him, I do wonder if it's me that's overreacting.

To answer the question, it wasn't that we insisted on taking the children, we weren't invited at all - kids or no kids. The first time we talked about us going was when I mentioned that we could get costs to see if it was possible (suspecting it wouldn't be as they have very expensive taste), and he just said it was an adults-only hotel, couples-only hotel so it's not possible. There was no suggestion that DH and I could go alone.

But that indicates he thought you would be bringing your kids?

MinionsHooray · 13/06/2023 19:26

Maybe he sees his soon to be wife’s son as his son if he raised him from young and seen him every day.

Id imagine they have booked the adults only hotel and then decided to get married, knew you couldn’t come as you had the kids so didn’t put much thought into it.

He sounds just a bit clueless and doesn’t overly care. I’d take a step back.

Would you go without the kids?

Eleganz · 13/06/2023 19:26

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 19:22

Eleganz your words sum it up perfectly. His partner's family are his priority and have been since they got together. In the past his partners have definitely dictated his behaviour. One was very young and not interested in family so we were more distant, but two loved that he had a daughter and so invested time in us as a family. His partner now hasn't really needed to as she has a family of her own, though she always seems keen to see us and spend time with us, but of course, her son will always come first for her, quite rightly. My dad just falls in line without much thought, I think. Out of sight is out of mind, and I've been out of sight since I was a baby.

I'm really sorry by the way, you have all my sympathy for what it is worth. 💐

TooJoy · 13/06/2023 19:27

YANBU

You could stay locally or at the very least he’d talk to you about it and apologise that he’s getting married and unless someone has the DCs then you won’t be able to attend.
He could have at least pretended to be disappointed about it.

I would not go anyway.
Theres no way I’d spend my money on somewhere that someone doesn’t want me to be.

Wish him luck and then book your own holiday with your DH.

ThatFraggle · 13/06/2023 19:29

Maybe he doesn't want you in wedding photos, because when people ask, they'll be like, hmm how come she's not in your life? And he'll have to come up with a shitty lie.

GreekDogRescue · 13/06/2023 19:29

I’d go low or no contact. My father was the same. They never change.

HappySonHappyMum · 13/06/2023 19:30

I only found out the my Dad had married his 'wife' when he died last year. He didn't tell us and told all of his family that we'd been invited to the wedding and refused to go - I wondered why they had been 'off' with us for years. He left all his money to her and in a trust for her kids. Don't waste your time, he won't change, mine decided he wanted a new family and didn't fancy the old one so cut us off completely. I've spent so many years wanting him to be the father I needed, the one he was before he cheated on my Mum with the new 'wife'. It comes to a point where you just have to focus on yourself and the good relationships you do have.

DreamTheMoors · 13/06/2023 19:31

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 17:52

Thanks all, I'm glad it's just not just me. I've spent my whole life being told I'm too sensitive so I second guess myself.

My family told me that too, @BreathingDeep

You aren’t. They’re unthinking, unfeeling arseholes who are singularly self-centered and would be outraged if anyone treated them like they treat you.

I’m very sorry. Someday you’ll stop caring and then it won’t hurt quite so bad.

moonlitwalks · 13/06/2023 19:33

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 19:22

Eleganz your words sum it up perfectly. His partner's family are his priority and have been since they got together. In the past his partners have definitely dictated his behaviour. One was very young and not interested in family so we were more distant, but two loved that he had a daughter and so invested time in us as a family. His partner now hasn't really needed to as she has a family of her own, though she always seems keen to see us and spend time with us, but of course, her son will always come first for her, quite rightly. My dad just falls in line without much thought, I think. Out of sight is out of mind, and I've been out of sight since I was a baby.

I think this sums it up really doesnt it? he is a weak, pathetic man who has no real identity or personality beyond that of his partners. It sounds like his words were all BS because as soon as the partner clicks her fingers he dances (eg. when the partner likes the fact he has a daughter, he's suddenly interested in meeting up with you, when a different partner isnt interested, neither is he). Its so sad and I am so sorry OP.

I would cut him out because you dont need to deal with his fluctuating version of "love"- thats not what love is. He is a bit of a void isnt he, who acts only according to whatever his partner of the time thinks. Its sad and pathetic and you sound like a highly emotionally integlligent and lovely person. Be glad you arent like your dad. His story wont end well sadly. People with no identities of their own never end up happy. I would completely reduce any and all expectations of him, he's never going to be the father you deserve. Focus on the people in your life who do truly love and cherish you. Blood really isnt thicker than water it turns out.

Ohno778 · 13/06/2023 19:33

He’s not much of a father to you OP. Some people just choose others and are selfish . I wouldn’t bother with him again.

Shitsandwiches · 13/06/2023 19:36

Oh OP, I'm actually upset for you that you've been accused of being too sensitive. He's your dad and all you ever wanted was a relationship with him - this is rejection all over again and it's going to feel really painful. YA So NBU Flowers

FWIW, I cut my father out of my life at the beginning of this year. There was just no point going back for more abuse and I didn't want him anywhere near my children. Sometimes I feel guilty, but the reality is he has never behaved parentally towards me and his role is to be my parent - so what would be the point of trying to have an empty, half-assed relationship of sorts with him which does nothing but cause me pain.

I think I agree with other PPs that I would just cut right back now or even go NC. You don't need his crumbs xx

candlesflamesandbrooms · 13/06/2023 19:41

newhaircut · 13/06/2023 19:19

It could be (and this is a large could) be they have assumed you wouldn't come because of the kids, and you have assumed you guys weren't invited and a actual conversation would iron it out once and for all*

They literally asked if they could come and he turned them down. Theres no doubt here. He is behaving appallingly.

If you saw my first post you may have missed my second where I said ignore the first as I hadn't seen ops lastest post.

Pinkyhere · 13/06/2023 19:42

I am so sorry for the way you have been treated.
You deserve better but if that's not possible you must take charge and make sure that you have less pain -focus on your own family and don't blame yourself for his failings.

2jacqi · 13/06/2023 19:44

dont worry. I have been in similar situations with my mother! I gave up on her and went no contact. felt like such a relief and even my hubby said i was more relaxed. some parents should not have the title of mum or dad!!!

Somethingneedstochange78 · 13/06/2023 19:45

I think it's time you made a decision if you want him in your life. If he's not prepared to make the effort why should you? It's a tw*tty thing to do to his own daughter. Make time for the people who truly appreciate you and want to include you as a family. Does he spend time with your children his grandchildren?

giraffetrousers · 13/06/2023 19:48

I think I agree with other PPs that I would just cut right back now or even go NC. You don't need his crumbs xx

Yep- basically this. There was a scene in SATC where Samantha told Richard "I love you, but I love me more" and ended their toxic relationship. I know that was a romantic relationship and this is a father/daughter one, but the principle remains valid. There comes a point where you have to put yourself first OP. Him being in your life only appears to be causing more pain, even that deep conversation you had appears to have yielded nothing of genuine substance from him. Dont do this to yourself. You deserve more than a few meagre crumbs. Love yourself and prioritise yourself over him. Love yourself more. x

FiloPasty · 13/06/2023 19:53

I think you should step awaygo no contact. What a shit

Batalax · 13/06/2023 19:54

I’d assume that it is being driven by his gf. He’s probably not bothered by the whole thing. But he should be thinking of your feelings, so he reaps what he sows, and I think you are right to phase him out until he becomes an unimportant/none part of your life.

Discofish · 13/06/2023 19:55

If I thought he was using the adults only hotel thing as an excuse to exclude me I'd be so tempted to get childcare for 2 - 3 days and go just to spite him.

Also - if I were the Bride I think I'd be saying to my partner "you can't not invite your daughter when we're inviting my son!!"