My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

Wow! What a …..!
At least your Father has been affected by the truth in your letter although he and the wi… are scrambling to rewrite history!

A lucky escape. Go back to your lovely loving family and let your father dissolve into the toxic abyss of dysfunctional marriage

'Please do not contact me again'.

If you bother to respond at all.

He's either feeling really guilty, or is genuinely a cunt. Either way, you didn't deserve her response. I'd block her.

I'm so sorry. It really hurts when you get that back up whoch says your niggles were correct all along.

Oh op..I wish I could give you a big hug! What a dead-beat father. You are so much better off without him in your life. He must feel so ashamed that you are a loving wife and mother to your children, and every thing you have in life you have done it by yourself. His 'wife' is disgusting doing his dirty work by sending the email. Block the whole bloody lot of them on everything that they can use to contact you on. Thank your lucky stars his lousy parenting to you has not affected how you are too your lovely family!..I wish you and your own family all the very best of good luck and happiness in the whole wide world xx💐Deep down your now estranged 'Father' knows exactly what he is!

Couldn't even fight his own battles. How very pathetic.

This! If you did want to send a reply I would actually send this and then block

What a pathetic excuse for a man

Just look at what you are doing for your own kids and how they appreciate you. That’s your success in life. He can never say that which is something he will deep down realise

Oh I'm so sorry but at least you know for sure that you've done the right thing by stepping back. They deserve each other. Nasty cow.

I am so sorry. What a truly vile thing for her to have done. I cannot imagine the pain it has caused you receiving the message. Know that you’ve done nothing wrong, you can hold your head up high. You know and the people close to you know you are not the person she is describing, she is projecting and using that to justify their awful behaviour towards you.

I know it’s heartbreaking now, but in time you’ll realise you deserved so much better than them and that your life is so much better not having them in it. This is going to sound a little strange but my counsellor said that adults who suffer trauma and hurt as children still carry around the hurt child within us as adults and it’s not just the adult version of us who deserves better, that little child does too, they need protecting. Fight for the little version of you, let them know they’ve done nothing wrong, this is all your Dad and his wife, adult you and little you have absolutely nothing wrong. Protect your heart.

Focus on your family now. It sounds like you have amazing children who clearly think you are wonderful and adore you and I imagine your husband does too. Focus on them, they are the good, they see you for who you are and love you because you so so deserve to be loved and cherished.

Your Dad and his wife don’t know you and they don’t see who you are as a person because of the type of narcissists they are, you don’t need their vileness and hatred in your life. In time without them dragging you down you will flourish and soar, your life will be so much better without their drama and the hurt they cause in it.

It hurts now, but I promise it gets easier, in time you will come to realise how much happier and calmer your life is without them in it. For now protect your heart, leave them behind in your past and look to the future with your lovely family. Focus on the good.

What horrible, stupid, hateful people. They are behaving in a way that beggars belief.

Fuck them, @BreathingDeep I’m so sorry because that is shocking, deeply shocking and painful. But you can let go now in the full knowledge they are morally reprehensible and not worth knowing.

Look after yourself - lots of self care now.

Her message says far more about her than it does about you.

I have crap, dysfunctional parents, step-family, etc and I understand how you feel, having gone NC with one of mine years ago. I went through a grief period of truly understanding I would never have the parent I wanted.

I'm proud of you for speaking up, but more so for raising lovely kids. It's not easy when you haven't been shown how. You broke the cycle. x

Are you tempted to respond? I received your email and to be honest that has shown us all exactly who you are. Please do not contact us again.

Very stressful sorry you are having to deal with these people

I'd be tempted to reply to him, ccing her, with @Americano75 and then block them both, and the son if he has your contact details. You are far better off without such toxic cancers in your life although I am sorry for the pain you will be feeling.

How mean

he isn’t worthy of being called your dad

it’s hard having a parent that is selfish and doesn’t really have those feelings towards us that a truly loving parent does

it will always hurt but coming to accept that and not looking for his love will help immensely

Great advice.

Thanks to you all. I'm a little shellshocked, but also not hurt - I don't value her opinion and it was interesting to see what she chose to use as defence.

I won't be replying - I refuse to go that low. My message to him was carefully worded, calm and considered and explained why I needed to step back. I stand by it, and I don't need to defend myself against her vicious words and nonsensical comparisons.

In a way it's quite freeing as this stops this being just my decision, if that makes sense? While I may have tackled the elephant in the room, she's just thrown a grenade in there and now there is no room, and that's on her. I just need to quietly process and then move forwards knowing I don't have to deal with either of them, and the way I've been feeling, any more.

I'm so sorry, OP. We had similar in our family. It felt like in order for a rotten dad's new family to consider him 'the good guy' and for him to feel good about himself, the kids had to be the villains. It's quite shocking how self-interested people can be but not unusual. At least this way, you don't have to worry that they're wringing their hands over your message and there was a way to move forward together that you hadn't discovered. All the very best to you.

Op that’s his wife. It’s her truth that your behaviour has hurt her husband.
I think what you can take from it is that what you said did hurt him which I guess is the reaction you wanted.

I’ve read all your posts and to me it still sounds like your feelings are still the resentments of that child you were. Of course your dad isn’t going to pay for you to come to his small last minute wedding. You are an adult with your own husband, family and money. Of course they would pay for the much younger son who was part of their household since a baby.
I do understand why you are hurt but you weren’t raised by your father and the relationship is bound to reflect that. You aren’t close to his wife or step brother and clearly the wedding after all these years is a formality rather than a momentous day.

I think you are protecting yourself by laying it all at his door. But whether that will resolve things long term is debatable. You lost your dad many years ago and there’s no changing that. The man now is just family and your children's grandad. That’s all. Forgiveness frees you Op.

Yeah, yeah, Marchintospring, she 'lost' her father and somehow he didn't take any part in 'raising' her. And 'of course' he's not bothered about her being part of his new family so she's 'not close' to her stepmother or stepbrother. It all just sort of happened naturally, not his responsibility at all. The OP is walking away from just this sort of crap in case you hadn't noticed.

You can’t turn back time though. He can’t be a father to her like he is to his step son.
They had reached a good place and then the Op felt rejected by the lack of wedding invite. Which is fine by the way but in the context of what it was ( a couples holiday) not totally surprising.

The Op has decided that’s in her interest to forget the whole sorry state. Which is fine if she actually can. From her posts it seems unlikely and my bet is she’ll carry this around for as long as he’s alive.

From her posts it seems unlikely and my bet is she’ll carry this around for as long as he’s alive.

Don't listen to this, OP. When this happened in my family, the 'child' did move on and became happier and happier over the years, increasingly able to accept that they simply had a weak, selfish father as many other people do. When their father died a couple of decades later, they said it felt only like the death of a distance relative. They never regretted cutting them out of their life.

Gosh March I'm not sure you're reading the same thread as the rest of us!

Marchintospring I appreciate your take on it.

However, it's not that clear cut I'm afraid. This isn't just about the wedding - far from it. It's more that the wedding is a very real example that illustrates our relationship. I have had a lifetime of being forgotten or excluded by him, and this was the final straw that said loud and clear - you don't matter, but they do.

This also isn't about being paid for - far from it. It's about being included. That if her son was part of it, his daughter should be too. It's about parity. About being made to feel part of something. To matter.

And no, to respond to your comment, my aim wasn't to hurt him. I absolutely hate that I've caused him to hurt, and I can understand her wanting to let me know. I knew needed to step away from a relationship that was damaging me, and rather than just disappear and say nothing (and receive more snarky texts), I felt I owed him an explanation so he could understand.

As for letting it go - you're absolutely right, I may never be able to fully come to terms with it. I have loved him my whole life and have always tried to look past the times he's let me down or shown a lack of care because I wanted that love in return. So much of my life, I've been searching for his approval and when it doesn't come, I'm crushed. Therefore, I made the decision to step away and while doing that will protect me from fresh hurt, it won't make the deeper hurt disappear.

From someone who has been repeatedly rejected by their dad, walk away. I have blocked him, my siblings haven't, but they don't engage either. He sends pics of him and his 'new' family.

Its quite a big grieving process and I do feel sad at times, but mentally I am stronger for it.
My biggest take out is my children will never have to deal with this. Their dad is amazing and such a good role model (so is their mother 😜!)

Hope you find your peace soon x

Yanbu he's lucky you're willing to have any relationship at all with him

You're the opposite

@BreathingDeep I appreciate the response too.

I did get your point about the wedding. I do understand it wasn't the money. But your point about parity is exactly what I was getting at. To me its unrealistic to expect to be treated like her son in these circumstances. He's still of an age when he might have gone on holiday with them anyway. It doesn't sound as if you are close enough with them to do that. He was bought up by them, you had a wonderful stepdad.

You are very clear about feeling like you don't matter to him and they do. I suspect you are right in that but surely that's the same with any relationship you've put years of work into and one that's more tenuous?

Clearly this is painful for you and going no contact is the simple way to stop the hurt. I'd just suggest you are both adults in your own right and given he's never had the parenting role its unrealistic to expect a father/daughter one. I'd lower my expectations and just keep him as a grandparent figure really. I do get why that might be impossible for you though. Best of luck with it all going forward.