My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

I haven't got any useful advice to give, but I just wanted to give you a big unmumsnetty hug. What utter bastards they are, and how lovely you must be that after all this, you still care about what these bastards think of you. You shouldn't care - they don't deserve it - but it says a very great deal about how great a person you are that you do care. Channel that care into caring for yourself, be that a day out with your lovely family, a whole tub of ice cream, looking up counselling, etc.

OP, you just have to give yourself time. I think, a SHORT reply along the lines of Crisette's suggestion - non emotional and matter of fact - is absolutely the most you should send back, and then block them knowing that you won't hear from them again. This will start fade away as time goes on. You are not going to change them or their opinions so don't hope for that or for other relatives to get involved. You just have to move on mentally and emotionally so that they don't matter so much to you. I agree that counselling during this time is a good idea. And I'd look for something new in life to signal a new chapter of your life - travel, pet, job, study, whatever feels right.

Hugs ! Agree with the above posters, have some counselling to talk about it.

sadly they are not going to have lightbulb moment, no one wants to admit they have been a massive dick so they won’t.

leave it a month then see how you feel. There is no hurry

be kind to yourself !

Honestly, some people won't ever change, and I think you've done so well and are now at a point where you can mentally set free from the drama, anguish and guilt. These people also always need to have the last word, to feel justified. I think him sharing everything with your aunt shows this.

Keep talking on here, try and see if you can see a counsellor and take deep breaths of freedom. Save what @honeybeetheoneandonly wrote just in case they get in contact again.

@BreathingDeep

I do think counseling would help. This is a lot on your plate to deal with.

As far as responding, I guess you have to decide what you want to accomplish and how likely it is that what you say will have the outcome you desire.

Do you expect it to change how they think? It won't.
Do you expect them to respond the way you want them too? They won't.
Do you expect them to keep your response private & not spin it? They won't.
Do you expect them to apologize? You know they won't!

If you just want to have your say and don't care if they put a spin on it and send it to all and sundry with their rebuttal, go ahead. But chances are all you'll get is another nasty response from them and end up feeling that you need to 'have your say' again. And so the cycle continues.

Sometimes a dignified silence is the best response. You know your own truth. You've said your own truth. That's what important here. Not what they think, not what others think. Remember "Them that mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind".

Big hugs you are fifty times the woman either of those have ever been.

His wife doth protest too much.

If you ever do reply, perhaps that phrase says it all.

The best revenge is living a full, happy life in his absence, OP.

I agree with PP's that you'd be better off spending some time in therapy than sending more messages that would only lead to the hurt dragging out longer.

It's time to focus on yourself.

When I fell out with a sibling and received vile messages from him/his GF I chose to not respond…. However I did write several letters to my sibling (which I never sent) … writing it down just got it off my chest and put it ‘out there’… it helped…. I never showed anyone the letters but just saved them in my drafts,
My sibling and his wife did what your Dad has done and shared emails with others and said that I was so awful I ‘didn’t even bother to reply!!’….. the family members that read the initial correspondence before the fallout and then read their vile emails (which I never responded to) all said that I had come off looking very mature and that actually my sibling & his GF had painted themselves in a poor light (bullies)…. The emails I received continued for a good year and really got to me as we were all previously very close… anyway when I got yet another abusive message from her just before Christmas I blocked them both on all social media, email, text, WhatsApp etc…
interestingly years on she still stalks my Facebook account from presumably another Facebook account under another name…. Not sure what’s so fascinating about my life but she’s as interested as hell… literally any public post I share gets a comment to other family members! Again this just confirms to the wider family how weird she is for stalking me!! They’ve also both quite recently requested to ‘follow me’ and my DC on Instagram (now also blocked on that)
As time has gone on they’ve upset more and more family so now most of the family can see what they’re really like and can empathise with me… they turn on people for no reason and her in particular gets vile and insulting… then acts like nothing happened… at one point the whole family weren’t allowed photos of their children (they live abroad) and they threatened to never come back and let our parents see the kids!!…. Anyway my other sibling and her family visited the U.K. from another country where they emigrated so of course the brother ‘had to’ make an appearance both prior to and then again during my sisters visit…. Of course he did because they always have to be the centre of attention!
Any way my brother is very good at making himself look good and others not so…. And suddenly all was forgiven/the prodigal son returned with the long lost weapons grandchildren, my parents obviously welcomed him with open arms as wanted to see the grandkids they hadn’t been allowed access to for 10 years!…. Anyway I’ve well and truly walked away and closed the door on them all… so was shocked when my brother told my mum ‘he expected ‘everyone’ to make an effort to see him & the kids’… bloody cheek!!
(my point is that someday your father might suddenly wish to see you again’ and in my case with my brother I had great satisfaction ignoring his requests .. when he came the second time he got my sister who was over to relay a text message to me which started something cheesy like ‘hi little sis’ and waffled on about how ‘he’ had been having a difficult time and missed having me to speak to!!’… and how he hoped this time he was over I could see him… Again I declined and voiced to family that I wasn’t going to drag them in on it but to simply relay that I wasn’t interested.

Your father has NEVER done right by you, and never will.. IF he tries to come back into your life again you can guarantee it will be because he needs something from you…. Either his wife will leave him or pass away… and suddenly he’ll ‘Need’ family and be getting your aunt to convince you he deserves forgiveness etc…. He will need you before you need him is my point!
I think you need to laugh at the horrible email… for example a man who is incapable of parenting criticising your parenting - just laugh at the irony!! And you know that you are a fab parent and a fab person… I’ve been following this post since it started and you sound amazing!!….. your kids sounds amazing too and a credit to you!
I would not want or allow that toxic man and his awful wife into your life ever again… protect yourself and your kids from their toxic relationship!

He couldn’t even respond himself!…. Because he knows deep down that what you say is true… you didn’t want to hurt him, but they sure as hell wanted to hurt you… using your kids is a disgrace!

I understand you feeling hurt too that your aunt didn’t tell him he treats people badly, you, her, their mother etc…. I feel the same about all my family… not a single one called my brother out on his attitude despite them all voicing opinions of him and his GF over the years! But I get it, they have to suck up in order to be allowed access to the kids… Your Aunt is probably scared of your father….

I think it would be worth you reading up on the narcissistic parent…. Your father
sounds like one… never excepting responsibility…. Even with his women… it sounds like once married something changes for him and the commitment has him running for to the divorce lawyers!!…. Well next time he’s single and suddenly wants to apologise and manipulate you again be ready to say ‘sorry your life is shit Dave, but I’m happy to say mines great and it’s gonna remain that way… bye!’ Or even better get DH to reply saying he’s caused enough upset over the years and you’ve moved on and are quite happy without his psychological abuse!

I also think you need to get all this off your chest, maybe a counsellor, a friend who will listen or maybe a journal where you can write it all down and get it down in black and white…. A useful tool to remind yourself in future to why you’ve walked away!

I sometimes have regrets for my scenario.. but then I give my head a wobble and know I’ve done the right thing protecting myself from further abuse from my DB and his evil partner!! Even more importantly I’m protecting my DC from his charming manipulation !!

I can’t remember if you’ve covered it previously or not…. But he doesn’t sound like he’s ever taken on a grandfather role to your children either… he just sounds totally void of emotions and you’re better off closing that chapter!

I wish you all the best@BreathingDeep & hope that after a few more weeks of processing this, you can think about it without feeling upset and instead know that you’ve done all you can over the years.. and that your family is awesome !

@BreathingDeep I'm so sorry you're struggling to process it all - you're a good person so it's quite normal that you should feel this way - I certainly did and it took a long while to get past it. There was one thing that helped me though and that was my DH. He wrote to my father and told him how he saw his behaviour from his point of view. I read the letter before he sent it and it felt like I had a cheerleader. It felt like my DH understood everything too. I hadn't had the last word but my DH had and he was firmly on my side. My father always really liked my DH because they had work and interests in common. My father didn't reply to him as he was probably embarrassed that his behaviour had been called out to him by someone else.

You have all been so wise and so huge-hearted to share your thoughts and be so lovely, thank you.

I drafted a reply, breaking down all the points that were wrong or totally missed the point. I defended everything I felt I needed to as her email contained so much that was wrong, but rather than send it, I deleted it.

As @AcrossthePond55 and so many of you lovely women said, it won't achieve anything other than stoking the fire. They clearly want to see the very worst in me because it shines a light away from him, and this isn't going to change, however straight I try to set the record. Plus, now I've seen who they are, I don't want them anywhere near me or my children.

The past few weeks I've definitely been going through a form of grieving. I've felt very emotional and wobbly, but it has spoken volumes that he has chosen not to say a word, and her response was full of anger, accusation and mud-slinging when mine was anything but.

Apparently, they have been sharing my message with other people as well as her email in response to gather support and reassure them they've done the right thing. He is clearly proud that his wife is defending his honour and I'm just so grateful we live so far apart and have so few people in common.

Fuck me, what a pair of utter cunts.

I think there must be some sort of script somewhere that people like this follow. It's so similar to my experience with my DF. It's definitely not you OP, I wish you peace.

@BreathingDeep

I'm glad if my words have helped.

You know, something in your most recent post seems, IDK, peaceful. Not that you aren't still upset or angry. And that there may not be tears left to cry. But just that it seems you've come to a place of peace about 'who they are'.

You may have gotten strength from our words, but I know I've 'gotten' from you too. You've reminded me that it's never wrong to honour yourself, that it's never too late to say 'No'. And that the love of those who truly love us is worth more than all the riches of the world.

This is the start of a wonderful and peaceful journey into a wonderful and peaceful future.

I hope writing the letter gave you a little bit of peace OP, even if you didn't end up sending it.

Rising above is so hard, especially when everything thrown at you is utter shite. The injustice must sting but you are doing the right thing, I think.

And hey, if you decide in a few months time that you'd feel better if you sent him a gift wrapped poo with a note telling him and his wife they're monumental thunder cunts then you know where to come to be applauded! 😂

I do hope you're looking after yourself, OP.

They're nasty nasty people Op & you're definitely much better off without them in your life. It's their loss.

They sound like a pair of narcissists in all honestly. Unwilling to except any responsibility for their poor choices!

The people who they’re sharing with may say to them ‘oh dear blah blah’…. Very few people will tell a friend that they think they’re being an arse!!

But they’re probably thinking it!….
my SIL shared an email with me she’d sent to her niece .. it was vile!! She clearly thought she’d said nothing wrong as shared it expecting support… I said I thought the things she said were unkind and shouldn’t be said to a 16/17 year old… she just shut the conversation down and was pissed I didn’t agree with her. I don’t think many people though are willing to rock the boat and disagree with people. But they’ll be talking behind your dads back and saying how horrible the message she sent you was!
Be relieved you never have to see either of them again. A pair of arse holes!

What’s the saying…

Those that matter don’t mind, those that mind, don’t matter.

frankly anyone siding with them over this don’t matter to you, because anyone that matters in your life will have your back.

Would be nice if your aunt at least told him she thought he needed to drop it now and shop sharing the vile message .. maybe she could just tell him that people are unlikely to tell him the truth about what they really think!

But also people will soon be bored of hearing their little story!

@BreathingDeep I think you’re right not to respond.
However if you really want to respond do not reply to the ow.
Just send one line to your df
’I stand by my previous communication.’

a) you’ll f##k off the ow because you’ve sidelined her.
b) your df will definitely show her
c) you’ve not said or done anything more than the previous email.

Tell her you'll catch up with your dad at his next wedding.

You are bold !!!' 😂

I said that to my late FIL when he married his third wife. He wanted my daughter to be a flower girl or something. My dd wasn't keen. I said when she's older, the next wedding. He laughed.

It's a couples venue? Tell your Dad that you don't mind coupling up with a close friend, so you don't miss the special day, and you could pay for your friends costs, and he and his intended could pay for just you, As a compromise. Just put them on the spot like this, see what transpires.

@Catdoorman you need to read the rest of the OP’s posts.