My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

Well done, @BreathingDeep
You've handled this well and sorry to hear you had the vitriolic message back from the stepmother.

Sometimes truths are too hard to hear.
Your dad has a long history of being a weak man who makes easy choices.
It sounds as though he was very uncomfortable when you highlighted his thoughtless and unkind behavior.
It is much easier for him and his wife to blame you for their feelings of guilt and shame rather than accept their behavior were responsible for creating them.

OP you sound wonderful with amazing children too. I am so sorry you've been treated like this but it was only ever going to go 'one way' once your message was received.

His wife has shown her true colours. If he's prepared to live his life with someone like that, then he can lay in his bed. She's probably quite pleased you sent that message so she can spout venom to him all day every day for ever more about you, knowing that any money he has will be all hers/her sons. (you mentioned that she'd said it's up to your DF to spend his own money as he sees fit so clearly important to her)

It'll take time to scrape yourself up off the floor and pick up the remaining pieces, but by the sounds of it, your family unit will fix you so good, the cracks will be miniscule and you'll feel lighter going forward. I truly hope you find peace now he has effectively removed himself from your life.

Ive just read through all of this and just wish I could give you a big hug.
Its not a surprise to me that you got that reply. Its about them justifying you're the problem. You cant win against that and it just reinforces you were right to walk away. And just look at the example you set for your wonderful children ❤️ . Good luck OP. Hope you find some well deserved peace Xx

Some very wise posts here. Sounds like new wife is very uncomfortable with this view of her husband and it’s easier to lash out at you than face that he isn’t the perfect dad figure she wants to believe.

I know what your trying to say - but a good person would have had a ceremony that included all his loved ones. And gone on holiday after. He had choices. And he made choices that hurt people.

All he's doing is showing that underneath all the tearful "I'm sorry I'm been shit" conversations, he hasn't really changed. And, most importantly, he has no interest in changing.

I'm afraid I don't have any wise advice, but here's lots of sympathy.

Block them both now, and either delete or archive any WhatsApp chats. I went NC with my mother after one spectacularly unpleasant message that was the last straw. To save me the anxiety of receiving messages, or wondering if she was going to message me, I blocked her. Out of sight, out of mind. I feel so much more better mentally for it.

Christ, what a bitch BUT I have to say I'm not surprised.

I think I'd have to send one more message, OP. One that made it very clear your Dad has always been shit, that you see the projection for exactly what it is and that your only regret is trying to forge a relationship with him for so long. I'd then tell her to never contact you or your family members again and block the lot of them.

The irony of his relationship with her son being 'none of your business' when here she is sticking her huge beak into your relationship with your Dad is pretty staggering! She sounds delightful!

In a way, it's good that this has happened. A part of you would always have been waiting for something to happen. Now it's really over.

The irony of his relationship with her son being 'none of your business' when here she is sticking her huge beak into your relationship with your Dad is pretty staggering! She sounds delightful!

Good point @StaunchMomma

This makes so much sense.

When I tried (but failed) to get through to my mother, she said some things that were so defensive and so unjust that I felt the pain of that knife TWISTING but ............. it helped crumble my denial. It was better than carrying around denial for another few decades. Although boy she has hurt me.

When people react so defensively, without trying to see or consider your point of view or empathize with you at all, that kind of tells you everything you need to know about them and basically proves that you were right to have distanced yourself for your own self-preservation. That's how I would see her response - her showing you who she is and who he is, because either he allowed her to send her response or he was aware that she had sent it and didn't reach out to correct her 'wrongs.' Either way, it just re-confirms everything you thoughtfully wrote to him about how you experience him as a father. Move on and enjoy the lovely family that you have created.

You clearly hit a nerve there @BreathingDeep

think about it though, no reply would be worse, you’d second guess it forever and wonder if you got it wrong somehow, there would never be closure.

youve said what you needed to say, you thought long and hard and carefully about it, you were honest with yourself and with your dad.

you don’t need to send a reply, there’s literally no point. If you wanted to really irk her you could send a 👍🏼 and be done, close your door with a click.

You’re done, your out.

counselling could really help you if you can access it? It really helped me come to terms with my family fall out.

i remember when my sister (guilty of pulling off some ice cold stunts to hurt me in the past) emailed me to guilt me into something. I struggled a lot with that email, but then reminded myself that to expect her to be anything other than hurtful was unrealistic and to turn the page and try to put it behind me. I was in therapy at the time and it helped to talk it through

I won't be replying - I refuse to go that low.

I think this is the right decision. The lack of a response to her vitriol will enrage them even more.

Please don't be taken in by any token gestures he may make in the future such as a birthday acknowledgement.

Any gesture he makes will be rooted entirely in absolving his guilt by getting a positive response from you, however brief.

Please also tell your children about this so he doesn't try to use them as a proxy for you.

It's been a week or two of high emotion and I feel emotionally drained. Part of me is relieved that it's done and dusted, then part of me feels devastated by his opinion of me courtesy of her email, and then I also feel guilty that I've caused him to hurt. Old habits, I guess...

Since the email, there has been no contact. I know what he's like and he'll have been gathering opinion to 'prove' he was right. There is very little family on this side, so he called his sister. They're not close; she is about simple pleasures and stayed in her home town while he set off for the bright city lights and didn't look back, so views her with pity. She grew up idolising him but he tends to be dismissive of her and treats with her distain so as a result, they rarely speak. She and I however are close - she knows how upset I've been over the years, including the wedding.

It seems he called her and ranted for a while about all kinds, including criticising my parenting, all while trying to discredit the things I'd said. He forwarded her the text I'd sent him AND the vile email his wife sent so he clearly saw nothing wrong with it.

My aunt is lovely, very sweet and soft and she's not good with conflict or confrontation, so she didn't challenge him which is disappointing but I understand it, which is why I didn't want to involve her. She's had years of hurt at his lack of care for their mum when she was alive, so she understands it all too well.

So I'm left now with all kinds of feelings that have nowhere to go. A few people close to me know what's happened and while they've been great, of course for them life has moved on and I don't want keep harping on about it but I feel I have so much to process still. Hence being here - sorry!

While my initial reaction was not to reply to his wife's email, there is part of me that is burning with the injustice of all the things she threw at me as most of them were either wrong or misconstrued. I hate that these accusations and 'facts' are now controlling the narrative and because I've not challenged their version of events, am I allowing her words to be facts?

She doesn't deserve a response but I did wonder about emailing my dad direct, just so I know I've had put the record straight and feel like I've stated my case and cleared my name, so to speak. Then I ask myself why it matters as it doesn't change the facts or the reason why I felt I had to stop contact. And her response speaks volumes about the type of people they are and I shouldn't care about what they think.

I feel lost and a little untethered, and I'll be honest, this thread has been a lifeline, thank you all for your kindness and patience and support.

can you organise counselling? This is clearly troubling you, and understandably so.

he was trying to make your aunt a flying monkey.

he is meant to be the parent in all this and is acting dreadfully. He doesn’t have the emotional skills to sort this out and it won’t magically improve unless he himself gets counselling. Honestly the advice in these situations is NOT to engage further. If he emails you personally to say he is getting family therapy etc then respond but otherwise it won’t go well.

It’s a sad fact but most people want a quiet life and don’t challenge bad behaviour. Unfortunately, you’ll have to accept that people you thought were allies will not call out your dad. And may even stop speaking to you. It’s not fair but that’s how it is.

There will be no “lightbulb “ moment for your father; sending more messages will be fuel to the fire and will add to his sense of self righteousness. People like that have no self awareness or introspection, particularly when they have supporters to back up their viewpoint.

All you can do is rest easy in the knowledge that you’ve done the right thing for you. You don’t need other people’s validation for your decisions.

I get the need to set the record straight / leave him in no doubt. But emailing him won’t change anything. For you, or him, unfortunately.

Better for your longer term mental health to try and put this behind you now. With counselling, if you think that will help you do so.

He had the cheek to criticise your parenting? That's a bit rich! I agree that counselling might help because you've got years of pain to unpick. Take care

If you feel the need to respond so that you have not let the lies stand unchallenged, you could just say something like 'I don't recognise any of this and don't believe it to be true. Please don't contact me again in any way.'

You should block them both in every way possible after that, though, because they will absolutely take it as carte blanche to carry on attacking you. I think counselling sounds like a very good idea.

I like this, or bullet points addressing every one of their bullshit accusations. Then block.

I understand the desire to respond to "put the record straight" 💐

Have you tried writing it all down, everything you want to say/respond & then ripping it up into tiny bits or burning it to ash? It's weirdly releasing (I favour the burning myself)

Take comfort in your lovely family (& if I knew you IRL I would be happy to keep listening to you, don't assume your friends won't)

@BreathingDeep I'm so sorry your dad is such a useless father. Please remind yourself that all of that is on him. I was in the situation of the stepson and I can assure you it isn't always as cosy as it seems from the outside. In our case, we only spent time with them really because of our mum. We have always felt bad about how we were treated as opposed to their actual children, but then our mum was lovely although had bad taste in men.
Anyway you sound amazing and the people who actually know you will totally know that and any that he tries to tell different.. if they believe it they are as bad as him.

I wouldn't address it point for point. I would just email back, if you must, saying something along the lines of: "I understand why it's easier to lash out at me rather than to reflect on the truth of your behaviour towards your own daughter. Your/X response has made it very clear why it is absolutely the correct decision to step away from you now. It doesn't matter what you tell others you know everything I wrote was true. In any case, let me grief and live my life in peace now, as I will let you live yours. X BreathingDeep"

You’re not going to ever get the response you want. At most you’ll get an “I’m sorry that you’re upset but”. Any more correspondence will just continue and you’ll either accept him as he is or remove yourself. Her email is not and never will be facts, the email and phone call are a good thing as they are showing you who they are. Just ignore unless you can see a path forward, if you can it has to be a path where you are not a priority as he’s not going to change. This is the hard part but you are strong.