My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

And it continues.

I still haven't replied to the angry and aggressive email from his wife but I've now had an email from my dad.

He copied and pasted my text, separating out each line, with his response to it all. In short, he says that I have caused a lot of hurt to them both and they are 'struggling to understand' my actions.

He can't understand why it was such a big deal that we weren't there for the wedding. He says that while yes, he does support his now stepson, he's done more for me and my family, so why does it bother me so much?

While it's without the anger and vitriol of her message, the gist of it is exactly the same - the problem is me. I'm the one causing drama and hurt, they don't understand why. In their eyes, I clearly have a lot of issues that I need to deal with and perhaps instead of raising issues that are firmly in the past, I should focus on the future.

He says he believes he has been there for me, and gives examples of where he's spent money. Where I referenced things that have caused hurt - he disagrees, stating his version of events as fact. This 'upset' is a shock to him, and he wonders why I've waited all this time just to throw this at him. Despite us having a conversation three years ago where he begged to make things better, and 20-odd years ago, where we didn't speak for a couple of years. There's a lot of talk of how hurt he is - and his new wife - but not a moment of reflection that his/their actions could have caused me hurt.

This was a week ago, and I haven't replied. I feel all my fight has gone. I don't know what to do, but I do know this isn't about trying to cause hurt - it was about freeing myself from a relationship that caused me pain. My error, I now realise, was trying to explain when I shouldn't have bothered.

While I stand by what I felt, and how I needed to make changes, I wish I'd stayed silent.

I still think you absolutely did the right thing. And it was always almost a certainty that he would respond the way he did. Fuck him. Fuck them both.

I'm just going to say it again, you should be proud of yourself, and he does not deserve you.

This is designed to push it all back on you.

youve had problems with him/them before

this isn’t anything new to you. Although it hurts, it’s not you that did this.

stay silent, give up trying to help them be better people, turn your page and move on without them.

Stay silent and block them. You can hold your head high. They can't.

It's fine. Put it out of your mind. You said what was on your mind and he has now said what was on his. He will not come round to your thinking but you knew that. Draw the line now. Go no contact. Block and move on with your life. It's time.

I would reply simply along the lines of

“I don’t expect you to accept any of your failures as a father or acknowledge the lack of care you have demonstrated at times throughout my life, you never have and I know you never will. My message was never intended to cause harm or pain, it was and remains a truthful account of our relationship. I wish you and new wife all the best, there is no need to reply to this email as I won’t be responding or getting into debate about this again. Take care”

you did the right thing OP, they of course are deflecting but you can cut this off now. They are trying to bully you into saying you are wrong, but it matters not. You said your piece, they don’t agree. No surprise. Draw a line now and refuse to engage any further

It is easier to absolve yourself from blame than to accept responsibility especially as he has a sounding board that is his new wife. He has his narrative and at most he’ll probably want a compromise. Contact now is for you to decide if you can accept him including being emboldened by his wife, as he is or is life better without the pair of them. As that is what they are, she has inserted herself and will continue to double team. Nothing can come of continuing correspondence by letter as it’s being used against you.

I do think you did the right thing OP, you have confronted this head on and whilst it’s obviously unbelievably painful for you, this is the start of your healing and acceptance which should bring you peace.

It’s sad that you’ve had to face all of this but honestly, I think you’ll eventually be glad you said your piece and then kept silent because you were never going to get agreement from them that your view is valid.

I was in a similar situation albeit with a friend. My regret is that I didn’t get a chance to tell them everything they’d done to hurt me. It was only ever their narrative.
They are never going to be wrong but at least you got to have your say and make your point, rather than regretting never getting the opportunity.

He's trying to make himself feel better. Don't rise to it. Perhaps consider blocking them. If you do reply I would just reply simply to say that if he can't recognise the problem there's nothing further to discuss. Or 'recollections may vary'.

Either block altogether or go with this response.

Wishing you strength & peace Op - it's his loss.

This!

personally @BreathingDeep I think you need to block them both and move forward. He doesn’t even have the decency to apologise, his wife sent you a vile message which he thinks is ok, he’s slagged you off to everyone he possibly can and shared your and her message… I think it’s time to block them both and when ever your mind drifts to thinking about them get up and distract yourself, or put on some calming music and do some breathing exercises…. Anything to stop yourself from giving them a moments more head space!

I'd be done with the pair of them.
You're right, they're wrong
And block.
Forever.
He's made his choice. Fool.
Concentrate on your own lovely family and friends. They are enough.

This - i'd need to clarify this!

Are you being told "ah its couples only and as you have kids you probably cant go because you cant get childcare and leave the kids"
OR
"I'm paying for the brides son and his GF to go but you're not welcome to go even if you paid for yourself"

After that clarification i'd know more and make the decision to match his energy; i.e i'd be deprioritising him (blood relatives) in favour of strangers (think brides sons gf)

This needs a “recollections may vary” type of response but the one above is perfect

Remember he is not only deflecting because deep down he knows he failed you but he will also have his wife in his ear goading him on. Take the high road and close it down and focus on the positive aspects of your life

Unfortunately we cannot choose family but we can choose what sort of relationship we want with them

We are way past this. The wedding has been and gone a long time ago and the issues have now moved on

ah sorry - just noticed 17 pages of comments.... my bad

The right response from him should have been:

im so sorry this has come between us. I love you and would love us to get on. I apologise for causing you upset. How can i improve matters? Your dad.

everything else is self justification and denial. Until you get that op id stay well away

@BreathingDeep

What @Hotgirlwinter said upthread.

Do that.

I think you did the right thing telling him how you've felt all these years. You've put your cards on the table and so now, with their responses, you can draw a line and move on.
You did the right thing.

@BreathingDeep

Honestly, it's time to block him. I mean, you could separate his response and reply line by line, too. But what will be the point? You don't want to start a 'back and forth' that you will never win. That man will never see nor acknowledge the way he's treated you, and he has his wife backing him up every step of the way.

I'll say it again, you know your truth. Your feelings are your feelings, and you have a right to them. The ONLY reply I'd make would be 'I refuse to engage with you on this. I am blocking you. Further contact on your part will be reported as harassment'.

Let it go, love. Time to let it go. Look at your wonderful family, acknowledge where your true life and your true love lies. Let go of the 'false' love he's tried to foist on you with his half-arsed gestures and his self-service falsehoods.

Just let it go.

Hugs xxxxxxxxx

Send this and then block.
You have been nothing but dignified and they don’t deserve you in their lives.

You sound lovely OP

Sending you strength and love

This, as so many others have said. What do you get out of the relationship, other than sadness and stress? He's a useless father, and you do at least have a lovely stepfather. Concentrate on the people with whom you can have a decent relationship instead.