To be constantly irritated by my sister and annoyed about one upmanship

[OhWellIAmJustNutsThen]

I don't really know if any of this makes sense but I feel like I'm starting to lose the plot. I have a sister (as well as other siblings), we are a few years apart both in 30s. She has a couple of kids, I have three. Growing up we were quite close, shared a room etc but since we have grown up we still see each other alot but I feel constantly irritated. She copies absolutely everything I/we do as a family. Sounds petty, but I mean everything. Whatever I buy my eldest, it is then brought for her eldest ( a year younger), even if I don't share she will remark on the things on the background of photos for example and within a day they have it. I then get constant 'oh I cant believe my DC had this/done this a year earlier' 🙄 and absolutely everything is upgraded so it comes with 'oh do you have the standard one, we brought the XL version, the bigger set..etc etc' it sounds petty, but i kid you not, it's unrelenting, to the point she is booking the same holiday as us but of course a better room, package etc. I say nothing, but I'm at the point I don't tell her/show her much because I just know what's going to happen. It's constant one upmanship.
She absolutely demands attention, to the point she makes things up, her pregnancies being the worst times. we (our family) had a running commentary of everything, and I admit she had a few health niggles in that time but I caught her out lying time and time again about things that didnt quite add up but were scaring my mum to bits unnecessarily.
Now it's the thought of her announcing another pregnancy. Sounds utterly ridiculous again I know, but I'm absolutely worn down by it as the hints have started coming. I want her to be happy I really do, but it's the constant messages, the constant demands for attention and she will then have the youngest grandchild (and unlikely to be anymore to come from any of us) so will likely need some sort of parade for that too...🙄

My mum mentioned a few months ago when I voiced (in private) I was irritated by the one upmanship as my eldest has actually noticed himself (and he's 5!!) that she thinks she's jealous which I just don't get. She earns more, has a much "swankier" life style than us. I am content with my life and am not trying to compete for more. I just want to enjoy my things without feeling like it will either be put down or see it "done better" and rubbed in my face.

Am I being petty or is there a better way to manage this, I feel like I'm having to think about it way too much. I can't really distance myself as we meet regularly without it being very noticeable to everyone. I just find myself having to grit my teeth all the time.

I feel quite sad for her. She must live a very hollow life to act this way.

If it's really annoying though and you're feeling petty then you could go the other way and play her at her own game to make her uncomfortable. Tell her how lucky she is, how you desperately wish you could have afforded the expensive holiday package etc, but that your DC have to make do. Really ram it down her throat every time.

If you think she might get a kick out of the first approach then I might do the same thing but in a really sarcastic tone. Essentially constantly ribbing on her in a lighthearted way.

I am petty though. The mature thing to do is obviously grin and bear it. She won't change as it's obviously quite deliberate and obsessive behaviour.

Could it be a rivalry between you both that you're not realising? The fact that you say "and she will have the youngest grandchild" stood out, because why would you even think that way if there's no issue/jealousy/rivalry from your side?

Aside of that I'd just leave her to it and take it as a compliment that she copies everything you have/do. My aunt is the exact same with my Mum and she just sits back and watches with pride when yet again she's copied. It screams that she knows my Mum has good choice 😄

@AmeIia I get what you are saying and I would be jealous if she has another baby but purely from the point of view that I probably will never stop wanting them myself so it's the cute factor and broodiness 🤣 but I know I would only now be having another for ME if that makes sense. Financially, our house etc etc doesn't make any sense to have more, I'd be putting our self under strain. On her side she tries to live a jet set life and insists her children are more well travelled (which is true) and she wants them to experience culture etc. All fine, but I genuinely think another child would make it much more difficult to continue with her current life style. I'm not sure if she will have another or she's just trying to suggest it to gauge a reaction. She is very sadistic in that respect - as in trying to suggest she will do something for kicks (not suggesting she's sadistic to want more children).

I just genuinely hate the impact it has elsewhere too, making my mum worry about her pregnancy/ children for fictitious reasons to gain more attention.

Argh. Sorry I'm probably just venting.

Should add she's desperate (as in suffered gender disappointment) for a girl, and currently has two boys. I have a daughter.

Perhaps she feels insecure and that you make better choices than her and so wants to copy you. I would try to control the narrative either by saying ‘look what I’ve bought/done, why don’t you get it too?’ It may put her off or encourage her more but would be interesting to see if she wants advice.
Also you could falsely show things as if you’re doing them and then ‘change’ your mind when she is committed. It could put her off? With the holidays you could say you’re going to one place and then go somewhere else. If it’s upsetting you it could be fun to make a game of it, not to be mean but just to make it better for you.

If you come across as content with your life, and there is nothing wrong with that, and she is not content, for whatever reason, she could be trying to replicate your life "but better" in order to try to replicate your contentedness

Draw on a fake tattoo op and stand back and wait.
Mention an appointment for a delicate piercing...
Aren't you dyeing your hair red at the week end.?

I’d just attach a link to every message/post

kids having fun
(link for you sis 😘)

Shes probably just competitive.

It's like you have to win all the time. The thing that you're winning at doesnt matter, you just want to win.

It doesnt have to make sense to anyone else, as long as it makes sense to her.

And it doesnt mean she is insecure, winning just feels good.

People can be jealous even when they have more than you in every way. It's a form of insecurity and it's irritating -but imagine how exhausting and relentless it must feel to constantly be on the lookout and get something someone else has just because of some compulsion.

Yeah just send her a link from now on. She's a sister. It's your duty to take the piss out of her mercilessly.

Something is happening in her life that she's battling with..she clearly has low self esteem and you may have no idea why.

If I were you, turn that anger and frustration into care, empathy and patience. And try and find out what has happened. Be there for her.

It could be something like her husband or ex cheated on her and she hasn't told you. It could be something worse.

It could be current or historic.

You guys are on the same team.

Just don’t send her photos, then she won’t know what you are up to. She’ll find that annoying! You are letting her observe your life and emulate it by sending them to her.

I agree though that it’s probably a compliment. I have raised my kids similarly to my sister who had kids before me. It wasn’t really copying so much as me feeling less confident about my choices and taking inspiration from hers.

The youngest grandchild thing is an odd one. I get feeling sad about not having another small baby, but that’s a small period of time. I have the youngest grandchild and don’t feel any more special because of it. And your kids are very little still too.

Tell her you are having family systems therapy.

She sounds sad/mad. Either way, very annoying.

Just stop posting photos and sharing stuff online. And don’t tell her where you’ve booked holidays or what you’ve bought. Or feed her fake news. If you book a holiday to Majorca, keep it quiet and tell her you’re thinking of going to Tenerife.

Thanks I'm reading through the replies and will respond. I'm trying to consider if this is my issue too, I just feel so annoyed.

Today's example, sister saw my dad this past weekend for 'fathers day'. Her choice as they were supposedly busy. We will see him this weekend. I've now just heard they will be going too because 'her son feels as they live further away noone in the family loves him' he's 4.
So there goes our father's day plans. It's constant emotional blackmail with my mum 🙄

And they see each other once a week for certain, and usually every other weekend so despite the distance geographically they see each other tonnes.

I honestly think this is a bit of your issue too. I dont see anything wrong with the last post about father's day. From your posts I think there's issues both sides, obviously from what you're saying your sister does sound worse.

Wouldn't it be nicer for grandad to have all his kids & grandkids together?

But I can see why it's irritating, given her behaviour.

I would have to play to it. Borrow an expensive child's toy off a friend, and have it in the background of a photo (bonus points if it something you don't want). Hold a friend's LV bag or some other designer as though it's yours. Test drive a car and pretend your driving around for a weekend getaway. It's very easy to make FB posts that only your sister reads.... she will think they're for all your friends.

Get her spending so much money on these ridiculous items. Even if she eventually gets wise to what you're doing she will not be able to work out what is real and what is fake. Hard to copy of one upmanship someone in that case!

And if you pretend to book one type of holiday, but actually have something completely different booked she doesn't have to know until she's been and gone.

It’s hard to know if this is narcissistic attention seeking, or deep insecurity and lack of self esteem (the two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive of course). You latest comment about Father’s Day, and feeing her son if “less loved” because they live farther away… Plus the “youngest grandchild” thing. I just wonder if there is something here that goes back to your childhood. Did she feel pushed out by you as the younger sister, or that your parents loved you more or you were their favourite? Even if that’s not rational or how it seemed to you.

I think it is worth looking at your own reaction too. Yes she is being damned annoying. But clearly there IS some quiet rivalry/jealousy between you - as you confess in your feelings about her having another baby. And feeing that her coming for Father’s Day too ruins your plans. It sounds like you want your folks to yourself without her, and having to include her and her kids is spoiling things. Now it may be that it’s disrupting specific plans that now have to change.

I wonder how much you and she talk about your childhood experiences and how it was growing up together. Do you ever get time just the two of you talk and catch up as sisters?

I get this feeling this is you and your sister....there's definitely jealousy there on your part!

OP's sister has arrived to the thread!

I feel for you.

It's a little thing, but I had always wanted a Bugaboo Donkey. Wasn't able to afford one as they are ridiculously priced, my sister owned three at various times.

Fast forward to June 2021 and I finally had the funds fo buy one, I was ridiculously excited.
My sister, who has relentlessly competed with me my whole life, sulked the whole day and refused to get back to my messages, then when my other sister got back from work (also ultra competitive, they are like the evil twins when together) and went straight out with my sister and bought one.

As soon as they had theirs, they gleefully took a photo of my nephew sat in it and sent it to me with "Look what we have!".
I couldn't even have one day to be excited and happy that I'd finally achieved something (albeit not important in the grand scheme of things, but something I had to try hard to get for years) before they had to make sure I was put back in my place beneath them.
They even made sure they bought a special edition version so they had a slight edge.

It was so utterly petty, to go out and spend over £1000 just to 'upset' me.

I cut cinta

Pressed post too soon!

I cut contact with them a few months later for a different reason, and I've never looked back.

Years of mental abuse and one-upmanship had finally made me snap and I wasn't willing to take any more. I'm happier for it.

Cinta?

It sounds like narcissism. I think your mum thinks more highly of you or she wouldn’t have said that she thinks your sister is jealous. But that’s probably because your sister is a pain in the arse.

That’s the relationship between my mum and sister….sister has always been difficult, mum hasn’t been as affectionate with her because of this, so sister has spent the past fifty years trying to show that she’s better than her siblings by putting us all down and being nasty. Neither of them are self aware enough to realise what’s going on.