DS breaking up with GF after trip

[Flutterflys]

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

There's also the fact that he'll almost certainly be having sex with her for the duration of the trip. Would she really want to do that with someone who was planning to ditch her?
He's a total user. Gross.

No, if you read correctly, you'll see I've a problem with the nasty nature of your posts. That particular word was just an example of a particularly unappealing comment of yours.

HTH

He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice.

It will be nice for him, certainly! If he really loved her he would bite the bullet now and tell her how he feels (TBH, if he really loved her he would at least try to make a long-distance relationship work - nobody is saying they will have to get married in three years time and he will be forced to live in London. The odds are that they will gradually drift apart anyway - they are both very young. I suspect that what he means is that he isn't prepared to do without sex if he doesn't have to when they are at different unis - fair enough, but that doesn't mean that he can make use of her for a lovely holiday bed partner and then just dump her!

I'm with you @Flutterflys - he's being totally selfish. Frankly, as it is his decision to end the relationship (and he has had less financial outlay), he should be the one to offer to pull out of the trip - she can take a friend, or her sister or her mam or whatever (though she may not want to go at all when she has been looking forward to a wonderful romantic holiday).

For him to go ahead with this will be a terrible betrayal of her when they get home and he breaks her heart - she will feel used and discarded. Like you, I would be very disappointed in my son if he did a thing like this.

It's indescribably cruel.

I think OP you’re being a bit disingenuous saying that spending more money is essentially her choice. Well yes, but it’s a choice she’s making to treat both of them and have a lovely time away with her long term boyfriend. If I put more money into buying a car with my partner that’s my choice, but if I knew he was planning to dump me in September it’s not a choice I’d make.

The only question you and your son need to ask yourselves is - would she make the choice to go on this trip if she knew his plans? And there’s only one way to find out - tell her his plans and ask. Maybe as some posters suggest she will be just as keen as before. But maybe she won’t, and in that case he’d be profiting from deceiving this girl and that’s wrong.

This is very cold-blooded.

I'm sorry, but this young man is a total c*nt!

Sorry, but he's being a bastard. It will be lovely memories for HIM - for her it will forever be a tainted trip where she got dumped afterwards.

Oh dear god.

This is exactly what you should do when you're 19.

I never contemplated staying with boyfriends if there was a long 6 week break in the middle!

Nothing wrong with what he's doing other than he should be completely funding his own way. The fact her parents are rich is nothing to do with him. So long as they both have a good time. I highly doubt she's expecting it to last til marriage either!

Nothing to do with you. Leave him be.

This - please tell her OP.

She's going to be going away with him with her heart full of romance and then it is going to be shattered when they get back. It's awful!

Hope those of you making jokes about your infant school boyfriends feel pretty weird about the comparison to two legal adults, one of whom is possibly about to have a summer being deceived into having sex with someone.

Lots of people here judging by what they were like as teens - well I was like that too, mostly pretty light about relationships. But not everyone is and it’s wrong to assume no harm being done.

He’s using her to subsidise his holiday.
He should be honest with her so she has the opportunity to spend the summer with someone who intends to continue their relationship afterwards, even if that other someone is a platonic relationship.

I dunno - it does feel pretty callous in black and white but a couple of things occur to me. The money is spent and unrefundable. It's unlikely that she will have someone else to go with her for that long, so he will be letting her down if he doesn't go on the holiday. They booked the trip in good faith, not thinking too far into the future. I think he is between a rock and a hard place. He shouldn't have voiced his thoughts to anyone though.

Would he still want to break up for her if it wasn't for the distance thing? She may be thinking similarly - that their relationship will come to a natural end. She wants to be in London; he doesn't. She presumably knows this. Maybe the time together will make him feel he wants to try to keep things going, who knows? He doesn't have to break up with her at the airport on the way home either - they could stay together if that's what they both want until she goes to uni, and then discuss how the future looks?

A girlfriend did this to my DS, dumped him and cancelled the trip. It wasn't about the money, he was heartbroken. In his mind he would have been happier doing the trip and finding out later. At least that's what he said at the time.

Whatever your DS decides I think if he goes on the trip he shouldn't tell her afterwards that he always planned to end it, it would be salt in the wound.

Am I missing something, or is it the usual MN reading comprehension fail? Why are people banging on about her 'taking a friend', what happens to his money?
She has paid 'more'. Not 'the majority of his expenses'.

I'm torn OP. I don't think it's nice to be dumped.

But there's all that money to lose. He is well within his rights to dump her, he's not doing anything wrong to need to 'compensate' by giving her friend a free trip.

So who goes and who stays home?

It was stupid to book this sort of trip in the first place, but as PP say the trip may be a deciding factor in a break up... so...

OR what they could do I guess is see which bits are salvagable.
change the rooms - keep the flights - just spend the time separately?
If the trip is far away and on a budget airline they probably don't have seats yet, unless they paid for them.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.
He has decided to message her an open ended question of
“just out of curiosity have you thought about how we will work when you’ve gone to uni” he’s waiting for a reply.
He said he will wait and see what she says then come up with a plan.

I think you are overthinking this, and seeing it with adult eyes as an adult relationship. They are kids, they aren't supposed to be committing long-term or expecting to be with their current partner for life.

Your DS is quite realistic, long distance relationships at uni are hard work and not very healthy, they are detrimental to the whole university experience.

A possibility - if there's really no reason for the breakup other than the fact she is off to London, then they could agree that while there's no commitment either way, they will meet up in say 6 years time to see how life is looking now and find out if they want to rekindle the flame or whether they have moved on.

I would be a lot more worried if my 19yo DS was seeming too settled on long-term commitment to a teenage GF. People change so much between the ages of 20 and 30 that you are practically a different person. Trying to keep a relationship alive during those years can be a massive challenge if you find yourselves growing in different directions.

You say he says he still loves her so why is he breaking up with her? If he loves her he wouldn't end it.

A two and a half hour train ride away from each other is not that far. I have 2 nieces who met their now husbands before they went to uni. Both couples were further away from each other than two and a half hours.

I would not be happy if he were my son. I think it's pretty shitty behaviour to do this

It didn’t.
Bye! 👋🏻

If he loves her he certainly wouldn't be preparing to make use of her, knowing he's going to dump her when they come back.

I thought he was being realistic about the future until you updated to say he's just messaged her asking whether she has thought about their future just before her last exam.

He's rather immature isn't he? And why are you so involved in your adult son's relationships?

People saying he ’loves’ her.
You do realize that this is not how people in live / who loves someone treats the other person, right?

I’ve read some seriously toxic relationships here, but surely you can see how toxic this sorry excuse of a man is!

I think it's wrong to be honest, he should break up with her and allow her to take a girlfriend instead. She'll be heartbroken of course but when she looks back she'll have fond memories of the trip with her gf, not her ex bf who she now realises just used her to subsidise a nice trip, then dumped her the week after. The fact he thinks it's ok to do this begs the question of will he do the age old trick of acting so awful that the gf actually breaks up with him, so he doesn't have to. Pretty spineless stringing her along, continuing to have sex etc with her when he knows the expiry date.

I'd be embarrassed if I knew my son was treating a girl like this.

gosh - could he not of waited until after her last exam before asking such a question?

Stay out of it. Of course he was never going to spend forever with her! You’re over thinking this… let them have their nice experience and part ways.