DS breaking up with GF after trip

[Flutterflys]

My eldest DS is 19, he’s at uni but still lives at home.
In October he started dating a girl who was the friend of one of his friends flatmates at uni (a party was hosted). She was about to turn 18 but in sixth form 2 hours drive/ hour on the train away. They’ve made it work long distance, either she comes here on the weekend or he goes there, lately he’s been going to hers more as he didn’t have an uni classes on a Friday so they got more time together.
They have a massive trip planned together, Netherlands, France, Spain, Switzerland and Italy, 14 cities, 6 weeks. They leave at the start of July, back mid august.
Their hotels are non refundable mostly as are flights/trains. She has paid more especially towards hotels than DS, her family is just far better off than we are she has savings funding much of the trip.
His GF plans to go to uni in London after summer. This would be 4.5 hour drive or 2.5 hours on the train from where we are. So I asked DS if he plans to keep going down on the weekends when she’s there. This is when he told me he actually plans to breakup with her after the trip. I asked why and he told me he still loves her but the travel would be too much every week and he doesn’t want a relationship where he hardly sees the other person. He said longer term he never wants to move to London and her planned career would almost require her to be in London so it wouldn’t work.
Now I think it’s awful that he’s going to go on a six week, romantic trip with her then break up with her once she has her A-Level results.
He thinks the alternative is worse as most of the trip is non-refundable so one of them would lose out on the trip and money and the other would probably have to go alone. He said he still loves her and enjoys being with her so a last trip to have some memories will be nice. He was upset talking about it but is adamant he will break up with her as he doesn’t see it being viable.

AIBU thinking this is awful? I’m so disappointed in him it feels like he is using her for a trip now?

In the ops defence, she posted this whole thread because she isn't happy with what her son is doing and has told him so.

Mmmm, poor lad getting his holiday paid for by a lass about to be dumped.

I don’t think he is though.
He told her what his budget per night for hotels were. She kept finding hotels she likes that were more and offered to pay the difference. He didn’t ask her to she wanted to. He’s paid his own travel and has money saved for the trip. I expect she might spend a little more on the trip than him but won’t be by loads.

You sure about that? When your son sets a budget for food and eating out and she finds other places that she likes that cost more… what happens then?
He sets a budget for activities and she finds others that she wants to do more? What then?

He's already decided to finish it. He just wants a nice holiday...in upgraded hotels.

It’s a bit late now but I think he should say nothing, he should enjoy the trip and make memories. It’s just part of life and growing up, some relationships last and some don’t, it doesn’t make the time spent together mean any less.
if he was happy with the arrangement you should have said nothing!

Agreed. Very poor behaviour from him.

Hmm, my bf split up with me in similar circumstances and I never did get that summer interrailing, so I'd have preferred not to know tbh!

When a similar age my GF and I did similar we enjoyed the summer together but were entirely realistic that when we went to Uni it would be very difficult to maintain the relationship. We had a lovely summer and parted ways as good friends, it was sad to end it but we were too young to commit much more.

Well she's his mum and known him for nearly 2 decades...
Maybe an intervention "You need to repay your half you cheeky🙈little monkey" would be more appropriate. 🤦‍♀️

He can't really take the piss like this, OP.

I know you know that too.

Sit him down and tell him how disrespectful he's being.

Surely that’s on her then? If he’s honest about his budget and she wants to spend more then that’s not him freeloading.

If she does decide she doesn't want to take the trip with him when she's in full receipt of the facts then that's her choice to make. How arrogant and selfish that he is withholding the truth from her so that she makes the decision he prefers. It's obvious why he fears her changing her mind - because he can only have this amazing experience on her dime!

She may well prefer to take the trip with a friend instead. I certainly would not want to bankroll someone for a 6 week European trip if they planned to break up with me at the end!

He's behaviour is shocking and I'd be really disappointed if my son used a girl - or anyone, for that matter - like this. His excuses don't wash. He's just taking advantage of her generosity. That said, there's not much you can do other than let your feelings be known and hope that he has a rethink and makes the right choice.

OP

At the end of the day - Its your DS and what you are most upset about, is his very obvious lack of respect for women. You say so yourself she's a lovely girl. He can dress it up anyway he likes saying he loves. No he doesn't , he's only thinking of himself.

How would you feel if it was your Daughter and this was done to her. Its actually not about the money, everyone else is going on about. Its the fact he is being dishonest.

I remember a very long time ago, my younger brother went off on a weekend to Sweden to meet up with another girl.
His girlfriend at the time, called our house asking where he was. I will never forget, my DM told her the truth, my mum actually said she couldn't do it to the girl. Obviously she broke up with my brother and he was upset, but my mum told him he didn't deserve her!

I think he's being realistic. Whether she'd prefer to still go on the trip or to do it with someone else is so hard to know - 6 weeks travelling isn't as easy to find a substitute for as a week somewhere.

@Flutterflys it's not just the money.

He doesn't care.

He's planning on fucking her while they're away breaking up with her when they get home.

Would you have done that - in her shoes?

I wouldn't.

Do not get involved! There's nothing you can do anyway - you can hardly tell her behind your sons back. The time together might change the way that he feels. You have to let this play out.

My DS was dating someone for 4 years - talk of marriage and babies etc, and one day they abruptly ended things. It was a shock. It upset me. But it's their lives!

It surprises me how many mothers, having been told secretly that their daughter's boyfriend was going to dump them after the holiday, would be happy for their teenage child to use their savings to pay more towards the trip. And just congratulate the boyfriend that it's very reasonable and pragmatic to treat their daughter like that.

@bjrce
Your mom is a class act 👏🏼
This is what we need, women actually supporting other women.

But if he accepts these extra payments, knowing full well what he’s planning to do at the end of the trip? 🤷‍♀️

That's completely different to what's happening here.

He doesn't know for a fact. He just thinks it likely.

Anything could change.

What an arsehole.

He needs to discuss it with her. She needs informed consent. She may well not choose to sleep with him again if she is aware of his intentions.

Just awful.

This is exactly the kind of thread that will get picked up by the tabloids. Hopefully the girlfriend will read it somewhere and cotton on.

I'd stay out of it. There's every chance the girlfriend is thinking along the same lines and knows the relationship will come to a natural conclusion when they go to different universities. Talking about it in advance would just ruin the rest of the time they have together.

YANBU OP. Why is anyone saying people are being melodramatic? This would ruin that whole trip for that poor girl and mean every time she revisits those destinations she will remember the time she was taken for a ride. What a horrible shock it will be to her. If you love someone enough to go on a trip like that with them, you’d travel to London a couple of weekends a month.

People are infantilising them because of their ages but 19 is an adult and 17 soon will be, if this had happened to me at 17 I would’ve been destroyed. Feelings don’t change because of your age.

If he does go on this trip with her he’s putting himself- his wants, needs and wishes - ahead of hers and her money. Let her go with friends instead. This is really not okay and feels so cruel. I’m just glad the OP can see that