To intervene in DS's relationship?

[AlyssaHasAChaaaaild]

DS and his girlfriend are both 20. Met in 6th form and have dated ever since, now both at different Unis and keeping things going long distance.

She is from a strict religious background and made clear at the start there would be no sex before marriage. 2 years in they are being a bit physical but not even close to or considering having sex.

Her mum has got wind of this and is furious, and blames DS for "corrupting" her. There is no question around consent, it's just the religious principle that she can't accept that her daughter would do anything physical before marriage and so he is to blame.

Her mum has said the relationship can only continue if he agrees to go and have a sit down chat with her so she can explain why she is angry with him and set some ground rules. Girlfriend seems to agree this is a reasonable idea, DS is pretty horrified at the prospect but feels if he doesn't agree then the relationship will end.

I'm trying to bite my tongue because I know he adores her and I have seen how happy they are together. But FFS this seems insane to me and I want to tell him to run for the hills. I feel like even if he does this it's only a matter of time before the mum pipes up and interferes about something else.

TBH it's the girlfriend I'm most angry with as I feel like she has thrown him to the wolves and is letting this happen. I think she is a bit scared of her mum but that doesn't excuse her letting DS get painted as the bad guy.

But if I say this to DS am I being interfering too?

I think saying that your daughter can't see her boyfriend until you've spoken to him does cross the line from "conversation/communication" into "interference" tbh!

It isn't just "having a conversation & communicating" though, is it?

The mother is demanding a conversation and putting all sorts of conditions on it. Can't you see that that's totally different from the OP, who has proactively invited others to comment?

I think saying that your daughter can't see her boyfriend until you've spoken to him does cross the line from "conversation/communication" into "interference" tbh!

They are not as compatible as they think at 20, even if they might have been at 16. They are now adults, and whether or not her or her mother can agree with this, your DS at least needs to act like one.

How would you deal with it OP if you stared seeing a man and his father wanted you to come round so he could interrogate you about your sex life and intentions? That's what your son needs to do.

There is absolutely no reason, other than a misplaced entitlement and over involvement to attempt to control an adult offspring in this way. This is less to do with religion and more to do with the completely unboundaried and toxic family that your son has found himself on the edge of.

I would be encouraging him to really think about whether this feels right, reasonable or normal, and act accordingly. If his girlfriend is unable to see him without complying with this summons from his mother, then she's unable to see him and they are at an end. One thing is for sure, if he goes along with this, a slippery slope of control and headfuckery awaits him.

I'm getting Carrie vibes

She's also been told that if she makes bad choices even if she can justify them to herself Jesus will hate her
The mother is just backward isn't she?

The GF has allowed her angry mother to describe OP's son as a corrupter. That is a very small step from abuser.
If this couple had consensual sex and the mother found out I wouldn't trust the GF to admit to her mother that she consented. That is far more worrying than whether the OP's son should listen to a lecture on good boys shouldn't touch nice girls.

He should go. He will see what the future holds for him with these two and hopefully decide he doesn't want it.

Yes with a bit of 'mirror mirror on the wall' thrown in....

Play out the 'so what' scenario.

So what happens if he goes along with it? He shows up for his lecture about faith and obligations, whilst his GF sits quietly and lets him take the blame for everything. Then what?

They're allowed to see each other again, and his GF presumably wants to carry on as normal? And he's supposed to just grin and bear the fact that she's happy to lie and blame him every time the shit hits the fan? Does that sound like a happy and fair relationship to him?

I’d be speaking with him as well about not needing to do anything he doesn’t feel right with him
next will be a sit dow. To discuss a wedding (in church) of course and then a decision to baptise their kids … is he willing to compromise all his live to the standard of a religion he doesn’t believe in in order to keep happy his wife and mil?

Yes and this is exactly why I think it's a bad idea that he goes alone. If he does decide to go, then he should have OP with him.

That's a good point.

My mother wasn't religious at all but she had a horror of me being sexually active. She drummed it into me that there were girls men slept with and girls they married and you had to be the second type. I was supposed to remain a virgin until I married. She was horrified that I would be 'ruined' and no one else would want me. I was late teens in the early 80s. I wonder if the mother is concerned that they may split up in the future and ,if they've had sex, then no one in their religion will want her because she's used goods. Its not my view but I can see why she would feel like that if that's how her religion works (Turned out my parents had had sex before marriage. Mum told me during lock down).

I’d have a talk with him and explain it’s not normal behaviour and might not be a dynamic that’d will make for a long term, healthy relationship. You’ll support him and always have his back whatever. At 20 though I do think he needs to connect the dots himself.

the hypocrisy!

It does sound like the mother is going to blame him for corrupting her little girl. If he does have this talk, he needs to make it clear that anything they have done to this point has been with her full consent. The GF needs to be prepared to back him up and stand her ground that she is an adult who makes her own decisions.

They are entitled to their beliefs , but religious or not though, the parents should not be involved in their sex life to this level.

You say that the relationship is sound otherwise, but they are not allowed to see each other at uni, so how often do they actually see each other?

If he does have sex with her, they will be marching him up the aisle quick smart.

My dad actually called me a whore for sitting next to an older boy at youth club.

I later found out that my mum was pregnant when they got married.

I don't have any respect for him for a lot of reasons, but that was so hypocritical.

The thing is , they aren’t actually compatible and this is a very good reason to end the relationship.

she presumably wants to be married and thinks that’s where they are heading. Assuming they want to have kids, how are they going to raise them? Would be really be happy with his children being raised with these beliefs? With his MIL dictating what his family does? There is no future for them, which is a very good reason to end a relationship.

also at their ages you should be shagging like bunnies. You’ll never have that time or energy or stamina again 😆.

They don't go to church. The mother threatens her daughter via blackmail, telling her to behave because she is being watched. She now wants to extend that authoritarianism to your son, overriding his rights as an autonomous person.

She's not religious. She is controlling and abusive. Religion is simply the excuse behind which she hides.

She's also been told that if she makes bad choices even if she can justify them to herself Jesus will hate her.

If your son is serious about a future with her he needs to seriously consider if he wants his future children to grow up with around influence of such hateful rhetoric.

Usually I would say that as it's the potential grandparents (rather than parent) with those views, they aren't as concerning but if she's so controlled by her parents that she's asking her boyfriend to have a sit down chat with her mum about sex before marriage being a sin etc, then that dynamic is unlikely to become healthy in future.

Does he want his future children to grow up being told that perfectly natural choices will see them burn in hell / be judged as a bad person etc?

He's taking on a hell of a lot of future stress and risk if he does stay with her. And he is so, so young.

Funnily enough girlfriend's parents weee childhood sweethearts who married at 19 and she was born the year after.

But

the mum has admitted that they did have sex before marriage but she defends it because they had agreed they were going to get married.

Suggest you go along with him.

Why does his gf's mum even know they're having any type of sexual/intimate contact? All sounds a bit creepy to me