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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at my FIL?

150 replies

TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 08:39

Last week my FIL (who lives overseas) stayed with us for two nights on Sunday and Monday. He had an incoming work trip and, instead of calling us ahead of time to ask whether he could stay with us, he just booked terrible fights and sent a message to my DH. His arrival time on Sunday night was at midnight (yes, there were other flights available) and he would be leaving on Tuesday at 6AM. 6AM! As you can imagine, I was furious, but I tried to stay calm telling myself that maybe he still had to work on Tuesday upon his return so he had no other option (I could not say that for Sunday, but well).

I have to explain that we have two bathrooms in our house: a guest bathroom and an en suite one in our bedroom. When he arrived we had a little situation with the shower of the guest bathroom (which we tried to fix before his arrival but could not do it on time - we had a plumber over but he will have to come back) so he could not use that shower and had to use ours instead. The rest of the guest bathroom was perfectly functional.

This is how things went...

His arrival flight got delayed (granted, not his fault) and he ended up arriving to our home at almost 2AM. My DH, who is a saint, was going to pick him up from the airport initially, but after he told him about the delay he just stayed awake to open the front door for him and show him his room before quickly going again to bed. We have a bus station just around the corner and is very straightforward, no need to change buses, etc. We both wake up at 6:30 am on weekdays and have very demanding jobs.

Upon his arrival, and even when we had provided him with extra blankets, a bottle of water and everything he could possible need, he just did not go straight to bed and was talking on the phone to some work colleague. LOUDLY. Not being enough with that, he wandered around our house and kitchen (maybe he was hungry? Could have told DH when he arrived or wait until the morning??).

He woke up extremely early and decided that it was a good idea to get into our en suite bathroom in our bedroom at 6:00 am, waking us both, to get a shower and get ready for the day. I have to say here that I am the first one to leave out the door at around 7:40 am and that FIL did not have to leave our house that day until 8:30 am, as he told us in advance. My DH had explained this to him and assured him that he would have plenty of time to get ready between 7:30 (when I am done) and 8:30, so I thought this was extremely rude and made me furious. We did not say anything to him though except suggest him on Monday night that he took a night shower instead of a morning one before leaving for his very early flight on Tuesday.

We later learned that he had taken Tuesday off, so he could have stayed longer with DH (we cannot see each other that often) and leave at a reasonable time instead of at a 6AM flight. There were other available flights at midday on Tueday, for instance, and at a very similar price to the one he got.

I told DH how furious I was and how extremely rude I thought he was. Of course, we did not say anything directly to FIL, as we did not want to make him uncomfortable during his stay, except when he told us about the visit for the first time (DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights).

Should DH talk to him more directly? Am I right in being furious or am I being unreasonable? My DH does not want to make his dad angry or confront him more than he did but I am VERY angry with his behaviour and feel that DH does not defend me/us enough in doing so.

FIL was grateful that we hosted him and stripped the sheets of his bed before leaving, which I appreciate, but I still do not think that is enough to forget everything else! I understand it was a work trip so he could not choose the dates but he could have chosen different flights and behave differently while staying with us.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion on this.

OP posts:

WeAreTheHeroes · 13/06/2023 08:43

YANBU. If I were him I would stay at an airport hotel instead of messing about at that time of night.

Curtains70 · 13/06/2023 08:45

Apart from the en suite bit which is really annoying I think you're being quite dramatic.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2023 08:46

He's gone now, so confronting him won't achieve anything. Let it go and don't have him stay again unless he makes more reasonable travel arrangements.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 13/06/2023 08:47

He should have booked better flights with you saying there was ones available. He was very rude to come into your bedroom at 6am to get a shower when you'd already explained when it would be ok for him to get himself ready and talking on the phone when he's in your home at 2am is ridiculous. I wouldn't have him staying over again, stripping the bed certainly wouldn't change my mind as one good thing doesn't take away all the bad things he did. Next time your DH needs to tell him he can't stay at your home after his behaviour on this occasion.

Stripedbag101 · 13/06/2023 08:48

Okay he wasn’t a gracious house guest - he sounds a bit selfish and oblivious.

but you are also over reacting.

let it go

Hoppinggreen · 13/06/2023 08:50

I might be a bit miffed but certainly not furious unless it was part of a bigger picture

Okshacky · 13/06/2023 08:50

Sounds like a hotel and meeting for meals would work better

widowtwankywashroom · 13/06/2023 08:51

A tad dramatic?

jojo1067 · 13/06/2023 08:52

So dramatic! I can't imagine that he felt at all welcome in your home.

lovemelongtime · 13/06/2023 08:55

Furious is a bit over the top
Just get DH to say something along the lines: if you're planning on coming next time could you possibly give us a bit more notice and phaps think about getting more convenient timed flights.

parietal · 13/06/2023 08:57

Bit miffed would be ok. Furious is odd.

Did he have jet lag?

Original poster

TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 08:58

jojo1067 · 13/06/2023 08:52

So dramatic! I can't imagine that he felt at all welcome in your home.

DH cooked a lovely homemade meal for him on Monday night, he was initially planning on picking him up from the airport (despite him not agreeing on his arrival time with us), and we obviously prepared his room and bed in advance with everything he could need (extra blankets, water, fresh towels, wifi password, etc.). I also prepared an aperitiv for him on Monday after work to chill while DH cooked with some snacks and a gin tonic, music... I do not feel like we did not try.

OP posts:

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 13/06/2023 08:59

Massively dramatic

Original poster

TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 09:01

parietal · 13/06/2023 08:57

Bit miffed would be ok. Furious is odd.

Did he have jet lag?

His trip was only 3 hours long, so not jet lag, no. I do not know about others, but if I am told to get ready between 7:30 and 8:30 at someone else's home (and that works with my schedule), I do not invade the privacy of their bedroom and rudely wake them up at 6AM just because I decide to. It would also never occur to me to talk on the phone, LOUDLY, at 2am at someone else's home. Maybe it is just me...

OP posts:

moose62 · 13/06/2023 09:02

Complete over reaction! It was only one night....how often does he visit?
It was not his fault that there was only one working shower and he might have tried to get his shower out of the way before you got up. I get up at 5.15am every single day for work...6.30am is fairly normal.
You sound quite intolerant!

phoenixrosehere · 13/06/2023 09:02

YANBU

Would I be furious, no (unless he has form for this) but I’d be pretty close to it. He was disrespectful of your and your DH’s hospitality and time. It was explained to him timings and who in their right mind thinks it’s appropriate to talk loudly that early in the morning knowing your hosts have gone out of their way for you and not even consider the other people in the home. He should have stayed in an airport hotel then and then if it was all right with you both stayed in the guest room the next night.

I do think I would have sent DH down and told him to tell his father to keep it down since we are trying to sleep and have work in a few hours.

It’s not hard to consider the people who are hosting you that you know for a fact have jobs and a schedule and to plan your visits accordingly.

I highly doubt he forgot what he was told, sounds like he just didn’t particularly care or think it’s a big deal.

Family or not, quite rude.

10HailMarys · 13/06/2023 09:03

(DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights

So what else do you actually want DH to do? He’s explained to FIL what the problem was. I don’t understand what else you’d like DH to do?

I can see why you were irritated because clearly FIL wasn’t the best house guest, but you’re being very dramatic about everything.

NeverThatSerious · 13/06/2023 09:03

He sounds a bit annoying but for goodness sake, calm down. You’re overreacting massively, furious this furious that.. who cares? It was two nights, barely, and he’s gone now anyway. You were determined to find issue seeing as you were already strangely angry before he even arrived about his choice of flights!

phoenixrosehere · 13/06/2023 09:05

lovemelongtime · 13/06/2023 08:55

OP did, literally said that in the first post.

Daffodilwoman · 13/06/2023 09:07

I think fil is extremely rude. I would not be accommodating him again. I don’t sleep well and if someone flounced into my bedroom at 6am that would be me awake for the day.
Plus planning to arrive at midnight when someone has to be up for work the next day- no nit on,
The fact he stripped his bed is neither here nor there. He didn’t exactly wash the bedding, iron it and make the bed again did he?
My own child checks train times with me and dh before booking when she comes home from uni. There again she has manners unlike your selfish dick of a fil.

Hoppinggreen · 13/06/2023 09:07

You prepared an “aperativ” for him?
Well in that case he’s a complete twat

Simianwalk · 13/06/2023 09:12

The talking loudly was rude and annoy me but not make me furious. That is a bit dramatic.
My Dad and DH once woke me up at 2am both drunk. They came in room looking for bedding for a drunk friend of ours to stay the night. They also did some god awful singing. I had a 20 month old and 5 day old baby who they woke both up. That was a good time to be furious. 😁

MavisMcMinty · 13/06/2023 09:13

It’s done, he’s gone, DH has spoken to him twice about booking more convenient flights and earlier notice “next time”. If he chooses to be a CF again, you can refer him back to “what we agreed last time”.

Lissadell · 13/06/2023 09:17

Do you normally blow everything so much out of proportion? Not just the fury, but the big deal about putting water and extra blankets in the spare room and ‘preparing him an aperitif’?

EdinaCrump · 13/06/2023 09:18

The worst thing is the en-suite of course.
The rest you are over-reacting massively.

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