To be angry at my FIL?

[TakeFive1959]

Last week my FIL (who lives overseas) stayed with us for two nights on Sunday and Monday. He had an incoming work trip and, instead of calling us ahead of time to ask whether he could stay with us, he just booked terrible fights and sent a message to my DH. His arrival time on Sunday night was at midnight (yes, there were other flights available) and he would be leaving on Tuesday at 6AM. 6AM! As you can imagine, I was furious, but I tried to stay calm telling myself that maybe he still had to work on Tuesday upon his return so he had no other option (I could not say that for Sunday, but well).

I have to explain that we have two bathrooms in our house: a guest bathroom and an en suite one in our bedroom. When he arrived we had a little situation with the shower of the guest bathroom (which we tried to fix before his arrival but could not do it on time - we had a plumber over but he will have to come back) so he could not use that shower and had to use ours instead. The rest of the guest bathroom was perfectly functional.

This is how things went...

• His arrival flight got delayed (granted, not his fault) and he ended up arriving to our home at almost 2AM. My DH, who is a saint, was going to pick him up from the airport initially, but after he told him about the delay he just stayed awake to open the front door for him and show him his room before quickly going again to bed. We have a bus station just around the corner and is very straightforward, no need to change buses, etc. We both wake up at 6:30 am on weekdays and have very demanding jobs.

• Upon his arrival, and even when we had provided him with extra blankets, a bottle of water and everything he could possible need, he just did not go straight to bed and was talking on the phone to some work colleague. LOUDLY. Not being enough with that, he wandered around our house and kitchen (maybe he was hungry? Could have told DH when he arrived or wait until the morning??).

• He woke up extremely early and decided that it was a good idea to get into our en suite bathroom in our bedroom at 6:00 am, waking us both, to get a shower and get ready for the day. I have to say here that I am the first one to leave out the door at around 7:40 am and that FIL did not have to leave our house that day until 8:30 am, as he told us in advance. My DH had explained this to him and assured him that he would have plenty of time to get ready between 7:30 (when I am done) and 8:30, so I thought this was extremely rude and made me furious. We did not say anything to him though except suggest him on Monday night that he took a night shower instead of a morning one before leaving for his very early flight on Tuesday.

• We later learned that he had taken Tuesday off, so he could have stayed longer with DH (we cannot see each other that often) and leave at a reasonable time instead of at a 6AM flight. There were other available flights at midday on Tueday, for instance, and at a very similar price to the one he got.

I told DH how furious I was and how extremely rude I thought he was. Of course, we did not say anything directly to FIL, as we did not want to make him uncomfortable during his stay, except when he told us about the visit for the first time (DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights).

Should DH talk to him more directly? Am I right in being furious or am I being unreasonable? My DH does not want to make his dad angry or confront him more than he did but I am VERY angry with his behaviour and feel that DH does not defend me/us enough in doing so.

FIL was grateful that we hosted him and stripped the sheets of his bed before leaving, which I appreciate, but I still do not think that is enough to forget everything else! I understand it was a work trip so he could not choose the dates but he could have chosen different flights and behave differently while staying with us.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion on this.

FIL sounds inconsiderate. If your DH is not prepared to set some reasonable expectations around future visits - ie no flight arrivals in middle of night - then get onto a group chat and take the lead yourself.

I would have been a little annoyed too, but I think next time @TakeFive1959 you just need to stand by your boundaries. The ensuite was unfortunate, and his timing inconsiderate, and he was selfish in talking loudly on the phone at 2am and waking you again at 6am. Its really difficult when adults from different households have to share a space, even close family, everyone has their own ways of doing things, and of course their way is always the right way. The only way you deal with issues arising is honest, open communication and tackling each issue straight on. Be firm about boundaries and tackle things at the time "please be quiet, we are trying to sleep", and "no, you can't come into our bedroom to have a shower 4 hours after we finally managed to get to sleep".

He probably just feels that you are close family and he can come in and make himself at home any time and you will be happy to see him. Would he be pleased to see you if you arrived after midnight at his place? How irritated I would be would depend on his outlook on life and how close he is to his son, but for two days (and family harmony) I would grin and bear it. Probably have a good laugh about it after he left, particularly the crashing into the bedroom at Silly O'Clock.

Yeah, I did read your OP. I don’t understand why the waking you 30 minutes early part is really part of that.

It's not the waking me half an hour early, it's the deciding to absolutely ignore our rules and treat us disrespectfully. Also, if you think that waking someone half an hour early after you did not allow them to go to bed until 2AM on a weekday is not rude, you should reconsider.

You didn't read the OP @CindersAgain . She said he could use it from 7:30. He came in at 6am. That is one hour and a half early, not 30 minutes early.

What are all these demanding jobs that make people so precious. I mean unless you’re a surgeon or work in a nitroglycerin factory there a very few jobs that have no tolerance for being a little bit off your normal game.

I think I’ve just solidified a rule in my head that if I read the words ‘demanding job’ I’m going to assume the OP was being unreasonable and is overly dramatic.

See also the ‘outing hobby’ rule that always means cycling.

To the OP specifically… yes you are being unreasonable (notwithstanding the my new rule noted above). It’s fine to be annoyed or irritated but for goodness sake don’t drag your husband into your nonsense.

He shouldn't have come into your bedroom to shower but wait until you were up...that's bloody rude.
The not going straight to bed, using kitchen is part of hosting I'd have left some food and offered a hot drink sucking up the late night.

Sorry, I definitely think your overreacting. Shower thing wasn't great but it was one day. Making a gin and tonic for him before dinner is hardly taxing/over stretching yourself so you're being a little petty bringing that up. Leave it to your DH to discuss with his father if he feels the need to.

So what you are basically saying is that it is okay to be off your normal productivity and game at your job just because someone else decided to, for no reason at all and because apparently they are so precious, that they could rudely ignore all your schedules and house rules and not choose reasonable times at someone else's house? I am sorry, but my house, my rules. I believe all of that could have been avoided and that is exactly the point.

What about at the time of the 2am loud talking - "Excuse me, can you keep your voice down please, we are trying to sleep" and then about the en suite - get a lock on your bedroom door.

So what you are basically saying is that it is okay to be off your normal productivity and game at your job just because someone else decided to, for no reason at all and because apparently they are so precious, that they could rudely ignore all your schedules and house rules and not choose reasonable times at someone else's house? I am sorry, but my house, my rules.

Yes

@TakeFive1959

I think your response is over the top. You experienced a few minor inconvenience in hosting a close family member whom you by your own admission do not get to see very often.

Your anger seems to far exceed the inconvenience involved. If your FIL sensed any of your anger, it must have been an awkward experience for him. I doubt he will.want to be a guest in your home again.

Am I the only one who is questioning a demanding job that allows for the OP to be posting during prime work hours?

I did read the OP.

They normally wake at 6.30am, so he woke her 30 minutes early?

good heavens

I had a ‘demanding job’ - Russell and Bromley, dealing with divas

your FiL used your home as a hotel : despite his
disregard for your ‘schedules and rules’ I’m guessing
‘hotel’ will be his destination of choice next time - more welcoming
and relaxing, aperitif notwithstanding

90 minutes before the agreed time. That's just rude.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable op. I need my sleep and I would be furious about his disruptive and arrogant entitlement.

I do think, however, that you’ve missed the boat to say anything. You made out everything was fine and bent over backwards for him. That is the unreasonable bit - you and DH cowardly tiptoeing around him and then working yourselves up to an angry lather when he’s gone and it’s all over. What’s the point of that?

Well no, he used the bathroom 90 minutes before the agreed time, he woke them up 30 minutes before they usually wake/get up.

We also do not usually go to bed at 2AM, I must point out. We are always in bed by 11PM, so that should also count if the point is how much sleep we got lol (which is not).

Maybe a part of your anger is because you failed to confront him for his behavior.
I'd be annoyed as well as I'm like a bear with a sore head if someone wakes me up.

Yanbu. My late in-laws used to do this. They'd book flights for the cheapest option, not thinking about what time of night we might have to drive to pick them up. The airport would be chosen for the cheapest option too, the last ones were for Bristol airport, a good 1h 45mins from us, whereas our closest is half an hour away. We only ever found out details after it was booked. It got easier when we did the booking as they couldn't manage that. We didn't have the late night early morning stuff in the house though as they stayed at a local Premier inn or travel lodge, but that was for other reasons.

This is a very good point, thank you for that. I do believe through DH's comment he knew that the flight times were very inconvenient for us (even though we said nothing about the early morning shower!), so perhaps we will bring that up next time he stays with us if he tries to do the same and book flights without even asking if they work for us first.

To anyone commenting on the job, yes, I do have a very demanding job (could get sued by a client if I make a mistake), but that is beyond the point. I do think is very rude to cause so much distress in our schedules and deprive us of sleep in a weekday without the need to and without our consent/asking us first (remember: he booked the flights without even asking us and when there were other perfectly suitable and well priced flights available). I guess all the people commenting that my FIL only woke us up half an hour earlier must be ready to give up their privacy and boundaries for any house guest, as I believe we were not just waken up half an hour earlier, but also went to bed 3 hours late. I also consider our bedroom's privacy very important as a couple and no, their bedroom has always been a non-trespassing area in their house as well (not that I would even dare to!)!

I don't think YABU. It's very entitled to stay at someone's house, have a loud phone call at 2am then intrude on the persons privacy at 6am walking through their bedroom to use the toilet and shower.

I would be very unhappy with this but I'm outspoken so I'd have told him not to come into my bedroom uninvited. I wouldn't even be happy if my own parents did this. How did he know you weren't having sex?!

I agree with this also.