To be angry at my FIL?

[TakeFive1959]

Last week my FIL (who lives overseas) stayed with us for two nights on Sunday and Monday. He had an incoming work trip and, instead of calling us ahead of time to ask whether he could stay with us, he just booked terrible fights and sent a message to my DH. His arrival time on Sunday night was at midnight (yes, there were other flights available) and he would be leaving on Tuesday at 6AM. 6AM! As you can imagine, I was furious, but I tried to stay calm telling myself that maybe he still had to work on Tuesday upon his return so he had no other option (I could not say that for Sunday, but well).

I have to explain that we have two bathrooms in our house: a guest bathroom and an en suite one in our bedroom. When he arrived we had a little situation with the shower of the guest bathroom (which we tried to fix before his arrival but could not do it on time - we had a plumber over but he will have to come back) so he could not use that shower and had to use ours instead. The rest of the guest bathroom was perfectly functional.

This is how things went...

• His arrival flight got delayed (granted, not his fault) and he ended up arriving to our home at almost 2AM. My DH, who is a saint, was going to pick him up from the airport initially, but after he told him about the delay he just stayed awake to open the front door for him and show him his room before quickly going again to bed. We have a bus station just around the corner and is very straightforward, no need to change buses, etc. We both wake up at 6:30 am on weekdays and have very demanding jobs.

• Upon his arrival, and even when we had provided him with extra blankets, a bottle of water and everything he could possible need, he just did not go straight to bed and was talking on the phone to some work colleague. LOUDLY. Not being enough with that, he wandered around our house and kitchen (maybe he was hungry? Could have told DH when he arrived or wait until the morning??).

• He woke up extremely early and decided that it was a good idea to get into our en suite bathroom in our bedroom at 6:00 am, waking us both, to get a shower and get ready for the day. I have to say here that I am the first one to leave out the door at around 7:40 am and that FIL did not have to leave our house that day until 8:30 am, as he told us in advance. My DH had explained this to him and assured him that he would have plenty of time to get ready between 7:30 (when I am done) and 8:30, so I thought this was extremely rude and made me furious. We did not say anything to him though except suggest him on Monday night that he took a night shower instead of a morning one before leaving for his very early flight on Tuesday.

• We later learned that he had taken Tuesday off, so he could have stayed longer with DH (we cannot see each other that often) and leave at a reasonable time instead of at a 6AM flight. There were other available flights at midday on Tueday, for instance, and at a very similar price to the one he got.

I told DH how furious I was and how extremely rude I thought he was. Of course, we did not say anything directly to FIL, as we did not want to make him uncomfortable during his stay, except when he told us about the visit for the first time (DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights).

Should DH talk to him more directly? Am I right in being furious or am I being unreasonable? My DH does not want to make his dad angry or confront him more than he did but I am VERY angry with his behaviour and feel that DH does not defend me/us enough in doing so.

FIL was grateful that we hosted him and stripped the sheets of his bed before leaving, which I appreciate, but I still do not think that is enough to forget everything else! I understand it was a work trip so he could not choose the dates but he could have chosen different flights and behave differently while staying with us.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion on this.

A bit odd that he disturbed you so early for a shower on the first morning. And a bit unthinking that he kept you awake talking loudly on his phone on the first night. These things happen.
The rest of the trip seems to have gone well. You were gracious hosts and he had no complaints and he was helpful to have stripped his bed etc etc.
Your husband already has spoken to him about flight timings for the next trip. He dealt with it already.
Why do you want him to tell FIL off again ?

That would be overkill, and entirely unnecessary, causing problems instead of alleviating them.
YABU. I would let it go now OP.

Gosh that's a whole lot of furious. How's your blood pressure? Seriously, I'd be annoyed at the disturbance as I like my sleep/routine, but ultimately happy to help my FIL. I'd certainly have let it all go by the time he left, because I value family relationships and my ability to get through the day without having a heart attack or stroke.

Oh goodness me What a drama Llama

Yes, he was a rude house guest but he is your FIL and he doen't often call on you so I would be laughing it off.
Family is family and sometimes annoyingly so.
Let it be, let it be .... Whisper words of wisdom ....

The furious thing is in general, but maybe is a language misunderstanding, as English is not my first language and everyone seems to point that out in their posts. I am quite upset at him though.

As per the big deal about doing everything for him, cooking elaborate/special homemade meals (not just a quick weekday dinner), preparing him an aperitif with gin tonic and his favourite snacks... well, I usually do not go my extra way and am gracious with people who have already proven to be rude to me, do you?

If you don’t want your routine or habits interrupted by someone else’s then don’t agree to houseguests or be one. How was he to know that you have all these criteria he needs to follow order to be a welcome guest. YABU

You made me laugh! I appreciate your post and the perspective. I am ranting now, yes, but I feel that DH just dismissed everything so easily and did not show (not even in private and to me) that he was really annoyed by it, even when he was (he has a very light sleep and was upset), and I believe that does not precisely help.

Oh this is a bit silly. I’d agree to host family without considering that they might be so rude as to talk loudly on the phone at 2am and then wake me at 6am the next morning. OP you’re quite right to be cross!

You seem way too angry about this.

My take is (as someone who also lives abroad and stays with family!). Those times of flights are substantially cheaper and they obviously fit in with his work schedule

He knows you get up at 6.30 so had taken his shower before you so as not to interfere with your morning routine

He had arrived off a flight. His son let him in and went to bed. He would have been wide awake at that point. So made himself something to eat as he was hungry. He didn't disturb you making food. the phone call ...that is annoying. But sometimes you forget how loud a voice is.

You clearly don't like him. I don't think he's done too much wrong (other than being a house guest which is really annoying anyway !) Just speak to him

I think this is just one of these annoying things that sometimes happens with family. Unless there's a drip feed that he's a horrible individual, then I would just let it go. My SIL often gets flights here at antisocial times because it's so much cheaper. It's not great having to get to the airport for 6am, but we like seeing her and it's not that often so it's just one of those things.

It was explained to him timings and what not and he somehow forgot in the few hours afterwards.

It really isn’t such a hardship to be a considerate guest. In what realm, is it ok to talk loudly in someone’s house at 2 am when you know people have to work, to walk into someone’s bedroom while they’re sleeping to use the shower when you were specifically told not to do so because xyz, and book flights without even asking and expecting to be hosted?

He sounds rude & selfish.

Does he live alone?

That's what we thought initially (about the flights) and that I would have understood... but DH did a quick search and there were flights available both in the afternoon on Sunday and on Tuesday at midday for 30 quid more only. We then thought he still had to work on Tuesday -hence the super early flight- but just before leaving he said he had taken the day off on Tuesday... I was very taken aback and upset about that, especially since DH does not see his dad so often and he could have stayed for a bit longer that morning (maybe have lunch together) and leave at a reasonable time.

This level of anger is not healthy, take it from someone who would likewise get furious at entirely inconsequential things. Turns out I was experiencing depression, anxiety and have completely burned out. It would be a good idea to speak to your doctor before you reach burnout stage, if you can get the stress under control it’ll massively help your recovery time too. Don’t have a go at either your DH or FIL, this doesn’t warrant it.

My point is that what one person may consider ‘normal’ or acceptable behaviour another may not. I’m not suggesting it isn’t inconsiderate to talk loudly at 2am but what is considered loudly? Maybe he thought he was quiet..don’t have houseguests if you want zero inconvenience

Yes, so do I, I'm puzzled. Had he been staying a week it might have been different but it wasn't for long. Regarding the guest bathroom, could he not have had a bath instead of a shower and used a jug to rinse? However, you obviously offered him use of your en suite.

I doubt the man realised he could be heard talking on the 'phone but you could have made an appearance and ask him to be a bit quieter, that would not have been rude and better than moaning afterwards.

From what you have said, you get up early for work anyway so what difference does a bit earlier make on just one occasion? Surely we are all capable of putting ourselves out for our loved ones occasionally.

Your husband had a word with his father, I don't see what else he could say or that needs to be said. I understand you found it stressful but it wasn't for very long, nobody died and you being so cross is over the top. Do you not like the man?

(I do not understand what you mean by this: "I am the first one to leave out the door". Which door are you leaving out or do you mean you are happy to leave it open, or something like?)

Thank you for your post. What I meant by saying I am the first one to leave out the door is that I have to leave the house before anyone else to get to work (my DH gets to work an hour later than I do) and so I really needed to sleep to be well rested and to use the bathroom early in the morning. I have a very demanding job, had an important day on Monday with two big meetings and I am very rushed in the mornings before leaving the house. So when we told him he could use the en suite between 7:30 and 8:30, I was not expecting him to get into our bedroom at 6 AM, wake us up and make use of the bathroom before anyone else, my DH had clearly explained to him our schedule and made sure it also worked for him...

the shower thing was annoying and inconsiderate. Him being loud and wandering around the house was annoying and inconsiderate.

Tell him in clear language: you love hosting him but next time he must check with you before booking unreasonably timed flights.

And when he does do it again: "sorry, we can't accommodate you at that time".

I am so sick and tired of women gaslighting other women and running them down and making them feel bad for having normal reactions. I too, would be furious, and English is my first language! Your FIL's behaviour was so inconsiderate, rude and selfish from start to finish. I would definitely get your husband to be speak to him because even though he's gone now, he could invite himself again and turn up again at 2am. He either didn't listen, or ignored your morning schedule requests, so don't count on him getting a better flight time next time even though your husband mentioned it. He does need it put more firmly to him because there definitely will be a repeat next time if you don't.

No one is ‘gaslighting’ the OP. People are just pointing out that while he was inconsiderate, her response seems wildly disproportionate.

I think the only terrible thing was coming to use your en-suite at 6am. The flights were probably a hell of a lot cheaper being late at night/early morning. They're often less than half price.
I really think your DH should have hidden a key somewhere (we use a mini key safe that attaches to the outside of the car. You put in a code to open it. Very safe) and gone to bed at his usual time.
I really wouldn't be feeling the same level of fury as you do.

It is not wildly disproportionate. Not at all.

"flights were probably a hell of a lot cheaper being late at night/early morning. They're often less than half price."

That's not the point. Commonsense says you wouldn't arrive at people's home at 2AM in the morning! You find out what time you'd arrive, and figure out travel from airport to place. If you work out you will arrive at stupid o'clock, you don't book it for that time. This shouldn't even need pointing out.

"Gaslighting women" Oh for goodness sake! OP has come to a forum entitled "AIBU" specifically to ask others if she's being unreasonable here. Most of us think she so we're giving our opinion as she asked us to!!

But as I sad he could have let himself in. When we have guests arriving in the middle of the night we use our little key safe. I really don't think DH needed to stay up half the night simply to open the door.