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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my FIL?

150 replies

TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 08:39

Last week my FIL (who lives overseas) stayed with us for two nights on Sunday and Monday. He had an incoming work trip and, instead of calling us ahead of time to ask whether he could stay with us, he just booked terrible fights and sent a message to my DH. His arrival time on Sunday night was at midnight (yes, there were other flights available) and he would be leaving on Tuesday at 6AM. 6AM! As you can imagine, I was furious, but I tried to stay calm telling myself that maybe he still had to work on Tuesday upon his return so he had no other option (I could not say that for Sunday, but well).

I have to explain that we have two bathrooms in our house: a guest bathroom and an en suite one in our bedroom. When he arrived we had a little situation with the shower of the guest bathroom (which we tried to fix before his arrival but could not do it on time - we had a plumber over but he will have to come back) so he could not use that shower and had to use ours instead. The rest of the guest bathroom was perfectly functional.

This is how things went...

  • His arrival flight got delayed (granted, not his fault) and he ended up arriving to our home at almost 2AM. My DH, who is a saint, was going to pick him up from the airport initially, but after he told him about the delay he just stayed awake to open the front door for him and show him his room before quickly going again to bed. We have a bus station just around the corner and is very straightforward, no need to change buses, etc. We both wake up at 6:30 am on weekdays and have very demanding jobs.
  • Upon his arrival, and even when we had provided him with extra blankets, a bottle of water and everything he could possible need, he just did not go straight to bed and was talking on the phone to some work colleague. LOUDLY. Not being enough with that, he wandered around our house and kitchen (maybe he was hungry? Could have told DH when he arrived or wait until the morning??).
  • He woke up extremely early and decided that it was a good idea to get into our en suite bathroom in our bedroom at 6:00 am, waking us both, to get a shower and get ready for the day. I have to say here that I am the first one to leave out the door at around 7:40 am and that FIL did not have to leave our house that day until 8:30 am, as he told us in advance. My DH had explained this to him and assured him that he would have plenty of time to get ready between 7:30 (when I am done) and 8:30, so I thought this was extremely rude and made me furious. We did not say anything to him though except suggest him on Monday night that he took a night shower instead of a morning one before leaving for his very early flight on Tuesday.
  • We later learned that he had taken Tuesday off, so he could have stayed longer with DH (we cannot see each other that often) and leave at a reasonable time instead of at a 6AM flight. There were other available flights at midday on Tueday, for instance, and at a very similar price to the one he got.

I told DH how furious I was and how extremely rude I thought he was. Of course, we did not say anything directly to FIL, as we did not want to make him uncomfortable during his stay, except when he told us about the visit for the first time (DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights).

Should DH talk to him more directly? Am I right in being furious or am I being unreasonable? My DH does not want to make his dad angry or confront him more than he did but I am VERY angry with his behaviour and feel that DH does not defend me/us enough in doing so.

FIL was grateful that we hosted him and stripped the sheets of his bed before leaving, which I appreciate, but I still do not think that is enough to forget everything else! I understand it was a work trip so he could not choose the dates but he could have chosen different flights and behave differently while staying with us.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion on this.

OP posts:
Lissadell · 13/06/2023 10:44

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 10:38

It is not wildly disproportionate. Not at all.

Show quote history

You don’t think so. Many other posters do. Which is presumably why the OP posted.

CindersAgain · 13/06/2023 10:46

You’re furious because he woke you 30 minutes early?

PuddlesPityParty · 13/06/2023 11:01

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 10:25

I am so sick and tired of women gaslighting other women and running them down and making them feel bad for having normal reactions. I too, would be furious, and English is my first language! Your FIL's behaviour was so inconsiderate, rude and selfish from start to finish. I would definitely get your husband to be speak to him because even though he's gone now, he could invite himself again and turn up again at 2am. He either didn't listen, or ignored your morning schedule requests, so don't count on him getting a better flight time next time even though your husband mentioned it. He does need it put more firmly to him because there definitely will be a repeat next time if you don't.

Throwing the word gaslighting about when it’s not appropriate helps no one. The only thing that is actually annoying from the OP is the shower, other than that there’s no need to be furious.

Original poster
TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 11:09

CindersAgain · 13/06/2023 10:46

You’re furious because he woke you 30 minutes early?

That is quite an understatement. I am angry because:

  • he decided to ignore the schedules about the use of the en suite shower DH had told him in advance
  • in doing so, he intruded the privacy of our bedroom and woke us up half an hour earlier than needed on a weekday after my DH stayed up late because of his very late arrival (it is not like we let him in our bedroom - we had not woken up yet, which he knew, and were letting him in only from 7:30 onwards, NOT before -we were clear about that)
  • he decided to book his flights at annoying times unnecessarily, as he later confessed he had the whole Tuesday off and without a big price difference to justify it either (30 quid). He did not even discuss with us the the arrival/departure times before booking the flights.
  • he arrived at our home at 2AM and apparently thought it was OK to talk loudly on the phone at that time - is there someone who really things this is okay?? He could text or call someone from the airport or on his way to our house...
OP posts:
Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 11:10

PuddlesPityParty · 13/06/2023 11:01

Throwing the word gaslighting about when it’s not appropriate helps no one. The only thing that is actually annoying from the OP is the shower, other than that there’s no need to be furious.

Show quote history

It’s one of those words that people throw around when they don’t like different opinions to their own so they become a victim. Most of those using it so loosely don’t actually understand exactly what it is, just like coercive, narcissistic etc.

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 11:14

PuddlesPityParty · 13/06/2023 11:01

Throwing the word gaslighting about when it’s not appropriate helps no one. The only thing that is actually annoying from the OP is the shower, other than that there’s no need to be furious.

Show quote history

Having someone land on your doorstep at 2AM and walking around loudly and talking loudly on the phone at that time of the morning isn't annoying? That is exactly what I mean by gaslighting. You're denying someone turning up on your doorstep unannounced at 2am and continue to wander about and have loud conversations would be annoying to anyone. Denying that, is gaslighting.

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 11:15

Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 11:10

It’s one of those words that people throw around when they don’t like different opinions to their own so they become a victim. Most of those using it so loosely don’t actually understand exactly what it is, just like coercive, narcissistic etc.

Show quote history

Except in this case it was used in the right context.

Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 11:18

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 11:15

Except in this case it was used in the right context.

Show quote history

Of course it was

Tourmalines · 13/06/2023 11:18

I think you are over reacting . Maybe he is a bit of a scatter brain . You know, some mothers do ave em .But anyway, you’ve already told your husband and he’s had a word with him . What more do you want? And as far as your husband not being so upset about it as you , well, he’s got that right . Not worth losing sleep over.

caringcarer · 13/06/2023 11:19

He's your DH Dad. It was annoying but only 2 nights inconvenience. I'd let it go.

PuddlesPityParty · 13/06/2023 11:20

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 11:14

Having someone land on your doorstep at 2AM and walking around loudly and talking loudly on the phone at that time of the morning isn't annoying? That is exactly what I mean by gaslighting. You're denying someone turning up on your doorstep unannounced at 2am and continue to wander about and have loud conversations would be annoying to anyone. Denying that, is gaslighting.

Show quote history

It wasn’t unexpected you silly goose - the flight was delayed. They did know he was going to be arriving in the early hours, and it seems they were informed about the delay. You’re the one doing the gaslighting from that statement, as they DID expect him.

Gaslighting is not someone having a different opinion to yourself. No, I wouldn’t find someone, who I knew was flying in and due to arrive early morning, appearing annoying. As I said, the only thing that is annoying in my opinion is the shower. Or are you trying to gaslight me into thinking my own opinion is wrong?

PuddlesPityParty · 13/06/2023 11:22

Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 11:10

It’s one of those words that people throw around when they don’t like different opinions to their own so they become a victim. Most of those using it so loosely don’t actually understand exactly what it is, just like coercive, narcissistic etc.

Show quote history

Indeed, armchair psychologists

Original poster
TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 11:22

PuddlesPityParty · 13/06/2023 11:20

It wasn’t unexpected you silly goose - the flight was delayed. They did know he was going to be arriving in the early hours, and it seems they were informed about the delay. You’re the one doing the gaslighting from that statement, as they DID expect him.

Gaslighting is not someone having a different opinion to yourself. No, I wouldn’t find someone, who I knew was flying in and due to arrive early morning, appearing annoying. As I said, the only thing that is annoying in my opinion is the shower. Or are you trying to gaslight me into thinking my own opinion is wrong?

Show quote history

I can clarify that he was not unexpected nor unannounced. However, he did not agree on his arrival time with us - he just booked the flights and then proceeded to text DH. We knew there were earlier flights available, at a way more reasonable hours, at a very similar price. Same with the return flight.

OP posts:
Georgyporky · 13/06/2023 11:24

If it was a work trip, surely he could have stayed in an hotel & booked more expensive flights? Met the family for dinner?
No need to put up with his bad behaviour again.

Hazelnuttella · 13/06/2023 11:27

I would be furious (yes furious) if my FIL came barging into my bedroom when I was asleep in bed.

Especially having arrived late the night before, and having been told that the en-suite would not be available until late.

It’s also really rude to just use your house like a hotel without making any effort to actually spend time with you. He should have booked a hotel.

I wouldn’t bring it up now that it’s done, but if he wanted to come for another business trip I’d say no, sorry that doesn’t work for us, but if you’re in the area let us know and we can meet up for dinner.

piedbeauty · 13/06/2023 12:06

Stripedbag101 · 13/06/2023 08:48

Okay he wasn’t a gracious house guest - he sounds a bit selfish and oblivious.

but you are also over reacting.

let it go

This.

Codlingmoths · 13/06/2023 12:13

moose62 · 13/06/2023 09:02

Complete over reaction! It was only one night....how often does he visit?
It was not his fault that there was only one working shower and he might have tried to get his shower out of the way before you got up. I get up at 5.15am every single day for work...6.30am is fairly normal.
You sound quite intolerant!

But loud phone calls at 2am isn’t rude?? And he wasn’t trying to be helpful wiht waking them for his 6am shower since Dh had already explained to him the available shower time.

he was a terrible guest, but what will you do if he pulls this shit again? Say if you can change the flights to something more reasonable we’d love to have you but otherwise you had better get a hotel?

Original poster
TakeFive1959 · 13/06/2023 12:16

Okay, so most of you think I am overreacting. I am willing to reflect upon everything when I have calmed down and let this go if that is the case, but my concern -especially with family living overseas- is that this happens again.
It is not the first time our inlaws stay with us either while visiting us or, in the case of my FIL, for work, and they have a tendency of ignoring our advice as per the time of the visit, flights, etc. They usually have a very set mindset and do not listen to what they are being todl, whereas my DH is always trying to avoid conflict at all costs and is very 'soft' with them.
Any advice on how to proceed next time?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 13/06/2023 12:29

Irritating yes, absolutely furious , over reaction!

MavisMcMinty · 13/06/2023 12:29

Any advice on how to proceed next time?

Well your DH has spoken to his father twice already about it, so if he tries it on again, say “no, we discussed this last time you came and we need more notice so we can juggle our work responsibilities”. And get the shower fixed, so he doesn't have any need to come into your bedroom at any time.

MavisMcMinty · 13/06/2023 12:32

And if you can’t just say straight out “I’m sorry, a 02.00 arrival/06.00 departure is not convenient for us” work something out so he can let himself into your house/flat without anyone having to stay up to let him in.

rwalker · 13/06/2023 12:33

Not ideal sometimes in life you have to suck things up
feel sorry for your DH he’s going to get the brunt of this and have hell of a week

Tourmalines · 13/06/2023 12:37

Well, if he is not going to listen to your husband and you are the one who is the least toleratent of the whole set up and the most upset , then you should talk to your fil yourself .

Rainbowshine · 13/06/2023 12:43

Any advice on how to proceed next time?

we have busy work days then so you need to book a hotel for this visit

Those timings are not going to work for us. You need to book a hotel/You need to arrive between these times.

Oh no if only you had checked the timing with us first! We’re not going to be able to be around. Hope you find a decent hotel, there’s a nice premiere inn by Heathrow

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 13/06/2023 12:55

Curtains70 · 13/06/2023 08:45

Apart from the en suite bit which is really annoying I think you're being quite dramatic.

Not really. He can be more considerate rather than acting like a childish dick.

And if it’s a work trip why isn’t his work paying for a hotel for him to stay?