To be angry at my FIL?

[TakeFive1959]

Last week my FIL (who lives overseas) stayed with us for two nights on Sunday and Monday. He had an incoming work trip and, instead of calling us ahead of time to ask whether he could stay with us, he just booked terrible fights and sent a message to my DH. His arrival time on Sunday night was at midnight (yes, there were other flights available) and he would be leaving on Tuesday at 6AM. 6AM! As you can imagine, I was furious, but I tried to stay calm telling myself that maybe he still had to work on Tuesday upon his return so he had no other option (I could not say that for Sunday, but well).

I have to explain that we have two bathrooms in our house: a guest bathroom and an en suite one in our bedroom. When he arrived we had a little situation with the shower of the guest bathroom (which we tried to fix before his arrival but could not do it on time - we had a plumber over but he will have to come back) so he could not use that shower and had to use ours instead. The rest of the guest bathroom was perfectly functional.

This is how things went...

• His arrival flight got delayed (granted, not his fault) and he ended up arriving to our home at almost 2AM. My DH, who is a saint, was going to pick him up from the airport initially, but after he told him about the delay he just stayed awake to open the front door for him and show him his room before quickly going again to bed. We have a bus station just around the corner and is very straightforward, no need to change buses, etc. We both wake up at 6:30 am on weekdays and have very demanding jobs.

• Upon his arrival, and even when we had provided him with extra blankets, a bottle of water and everything he could possible need, he just did not go straight to bed and was talking on the phone to some work colleague. LOUDLY. Not being enough with that, he wandered around our house and kitchen (maybe he was hungry? Could have told DH when he arrived or wait until the morning??).

• He woke up extremely early and decided that it was a good idea to get into our en suite bathroom in our bedroom at 6:00 am, waking us both, to get a shower and get ready for the day. I have to say here that I am the first one to leave out the door at around 7:40 am and that FIL did not have to leave our house that day until 8:30 am, as he told us in advance. My DH had explained this to him and assured him that he would have plenty of time to get ready between 7:30 (when I am done) and 8:30, so I thought this was extremely rude and made me furious. We did not say anything to him though except suggest him on Monday night that he took a night shower instead of a morning one before leaving for his very early flight on Tuesday.

• We later learned that he had taken Tuesday off, so he could have stayed longer with DH (we cannot see each other that often) and leave at a reasonable time instead of at a 6AM flight. There were other available flights at midday on Tueday, for instance, and at a very similar price to the one he got.

I told DH how furious I was and how extremely rude I thought he was. Of course, we did not say anything directly to FIL, as we did not want to make him uncomfortable during his stay, except when he told us about the visit for the first time (DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights).

Should DH talk to him more directly? Am I right in being furious or am I being unreasonable? My DH does not want to make his dad angry or confront him more than he did but I am VERY angry with his behaviour and feel that DH does not defend me/us enough in doing so.

FIL was grateful that we hosted him and stripped the sheets of his bed before leaving, which I appreciate, but I still do not think that is enough to forget everything else! I understand it was a work trip so he could not choose the dates but he could have chosen different flights and behave differently while staying with us.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion on this.

That sounds awful, I am really sorry for that! Did you find any other way to help with it except for managing their bookings?

Well she does have a VERY demanding job!

🤣

Thank you. Honestly, that was the least of our troubles with them. No, we just did the their bookings but they still flew to the further away airport, but dh could put his foot down with regards to the time.

This all went wrong when you agreed to let him stay I'm afraid. Work trip means accommodation is a business expense so no excuse for staying with relatives.
He should have stayed in a hotel or Airbnb and popped around when convenient and you would all be a lot happier. Maybe next time send him a link to a nice hotel nearby.

@TakeFive1959

Do you notify your employers when you have an interrupted sleep or do you carelessly expose your employers to liability ?

Do you take time off when you feel drowsy or out of sorts? There are so many circumstances under which clients can sue .

It is a bit much to suggest that missing 2 hours of sleep renders you incapable of performing a demanding job. Students in medical training programs often are expected to work 30 hours or more without sleep. There are not too many jobs in which one would be considered to be suffering from sleep deprivation after missing 2'hours of sleep.

Getting ready at 6am after he has been asked to wait is not good but otherwise you are overreacting. In any case if you see him rarely then drop it.

I don’t think it’s ok to arrange to turn up at midnight or leave at 6am when your hosts have to work, not without checking very carefully that they genuinely don’t mind. And I don’t think it’s ok to enter someone else’s bedroom while they’re sleeping under any circumstances unless the house is on fire or something. Definitely not to use their bathroom. You could have avoided that by giving him your bedroom and sleeping in the ensuite though, although I understand why you didn’t feel that accommodating.

I’d give him latest arrival and earliest departure times for the future, and tell him if they don’t work for his plans he’ll have to stay in a hotel.

YABU
He stripped the sheets. What more could you want from a guest.
Your anytical assessment and over dramatic responses about the two days indicates you are a pain, he is probably the same and that's that.
But if you felt furious then you felt furious. You will have to micro manage the next visit to avoid this. Start from the booking of flights, ensure pre maintaince of all facilities, have clear rules sent pre visit, draw up a contract of behaviour with specified penalties for non compliance.
All will be good. Just make sure you specify which judristriction the contract will be enforced in. Italians actually encourage ensuit invasions, so you'll need to avoid Italy, same with Spain and late night eating. Germany should be OK.

@TakeFive1959 honestly being furious is an absolute over reaction, yes it’s difficult having someone else in your home, but he’s family? I can’t believe how many times I’ve seen you say “he’s not following our rules”, I’m pretty certain if my in laws had most of these rules to abide by & have flights to catch aswell they certainly wouldn’t bother..

I feel for your DH because he’s quite clearly spoken to him, you can’t seem to let this go and it’s not fair on anyone🤷‍♀️, maybe your FIL would have stayed longer on the day of returning home if he didn’t feel like there was so many rules of what he could/couldn’t do.. also from how you come across in your post you sound like you don’t particularly like him?

I think if you agree to host you need to make people feel as comfortable as possible, be understanding that flights can change OR that someone may not want to pay an extra £30 on a flight at a different time..

like you say your DH doesn’t see him often, surely being like this is going to make him feel uncomfortable! There’s nothing more he can do, I think in future just advise FIL to book a hotel (probably be more relaxed for him anyway) also means it isn’t affecting any routine in place for you guys and arrange to go on a day trip/ have a meal..

It’s unreasonable to not have the backbone to say anything directly to him to then rant now about how furious you are after the fact.

You are right. I just do not feel like interfering and think that is DH's job, not mine (I talk to my family, he talks to his). And DH does not want to confront anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, so many times he ends up saying a lot less than he intends to or makes it a lot softer.

Thank you. I'll definitely bear that in mind next time and politely bring it up if he ever books flights to stay at our home without agreeing on the time with us first.

It honestly astounds me how many people over here seem to be okay with someone (family or not) booking flights to stay at their home on the date and time they wish, without agreeing on it first or giving them a phone call before booking them, or just entering their bedroom while they are asleep next to their spouse at 6 AM. Of course, this is the internet.

So you think he should talk to his family but say what you want him to say. Maybe he's just not as bothered as you but won't tell you?

Why is it your husbands JOB to be the one to have to talk to him, you are the one with all the issues, so you can’t hide behind your husbands back on this, you have absolutely no problem saying what you feel on here, so then say it in real life to your FIl .

The next time he books flights at those times without consulting you first, then simply say that doesn’t work for us so please change the times of the flight or arrange to stay in hotel

No point moaning about it when he doesn’t know how you and your DH feel about it

Just as well it was for a short stay. He sounds irritating. However don’t fall out with your other half - just let it go!

He was with you 24 hrs. That's it.

Chill.

It's a couple of days out of 365.
Read the news, put things into perspective.
Lay clear ground rules when he wants to stay again.

I can’t see that he did much wrong - ok he used the shower a bit early but that’s when he got up and the other shower doesn’t work. He got out from under your feet quickly, stripped the beds and thanked you. I can’t see a problem. Personally I would have picked my dad up rather than make him get an early hours bus but he seemed chilled and didn’t mind. I think the only problem is you being ‘furious’ over not much at all.

Yes he was extremely rude, but it sounds like your DH has tackled him on the whole flight time/lack of notice issue. All the other issues while he was at yours you should have said something at the time.
Anyone who tried to enter my bedroom at 6am would quickly back out the door with a flea in their ear!

To be still furious about it now is pointless. I would just not let him stay again unless he gave sufficient notice and firm ground rules were in place from the start.

You’re overreacting. It’s a bit annoying yes, a mild inconvenience. However it was for two days not two years. I’m sure you can look past it and not cause a scene.

Are you always such hard work? Even if you didn't say anything directly to your FIL, I'm certain your 'furious' energy made him more than aware.

Get a grip. Nothing bad happened. Your husband got to see his Dad, and no one died. Unless you have a massive drip feed coming.

Don't make your husband feel guilty over any of this none event. You sound like a complete drama queen.

Someone please hand me a broom removal device. I believe OP has got a HUGE one stuck somewhere the sun doesn't shine!!!!

I'm simply furious for you OP.

This is all so much, is there a back story? In your behaviour, all this fury, your words, disrespect, rudeness.

the man was a little thoughtless and you were slightly inconvenienced. It doesn’t warrant this beyond extreme reaction.

how do you react if you’re more than a little inconvenienced if you react in fury for this? Do you have anger management issues?