To be angry at my FIL?

[TakeFive1959]

Last week my FIL (who lives overseas) stayed with us for two nights on Sunday and Monday. He had an incoming work trip and, instead of calling us ahead of time to ask whether he could stay with us, he just booked terrible fights and sent a message to my DH. His arrival time on Sunday night was at midnight (yes, there were other flights available) and he would be leaving on Tuesday at 6AM. 6AM! As you can imagine, I was furious, but I tried to stay calm telling myself that maybe he still had to work on Tuesday upon his return so he had no other option (I could not say that for Sunday, but well).

I have to explain that we have two bathrooms in our house: a guest bathroom and an en suite one in our bedroom. When he arrived we had a little situation with the shower of the guest bathroom (which we tried to fix before his arrival but could not do it on time - we had a plumber over but he will have to come back) so he could not use that shower and had to use ours instead. The rest of the guest bathroom was perfectly functional.

This is how things went...

• His arrival flight got delayed (granted, not his fault) and he ended up arriving to our home at almost 2AM. My DH, who is a saint, was going to pick him up from the airport initially, but after he told him about the delay he just stayed awake to open the front door for him and show him his room before quickly going again to bed. We have a bus station just around the corner and is very straightforward, no need to change buses, etc. We both wake up at 6:30 am on weekdays and have very demanding jobs.

• Upon his arrival, and even when we had provided him with extra blankets, a bottle of water and everything he could possible need, he just did not go straight to bed and was talking on the phone to some work colleague. LOUDLY. Not being enough with that, he wandered around our house and kitchen (maybe he was hungry? Could have told DH when he arrived or wait until the morning??).

• He woke up extremely early and decided that it was a good idea to get into our en suite bathroom in our bedroom at 6:00 am, waking us both, to get a shower and get ready for the day. I have to say here that I am the first one to leave out the door at around 7:40 am and that FIL did not have to leave our house that day until 8:30 am, as he told us in advance. My DH had explained this to him and assured him that he would have plenty of time to get ready between 7:30 (when I am done) and 8:30, so I thought this was extremely rude and made me furious. We did not say anything to him though except suggest him on Monday night that he took a night shower instead of a morning one before leaving for his very early flight on Tuesday.

• We later learned that he had taken Tuesday off, so he could have stayed longer with DH (we cannot see each other that often) and leave at a reasonable time instead of at a 6AM flight. There were other available flights at midday on Tueday, for instance, and at a very similar price to the one he got.

I told DH how furious I was and how extremely rude I thought he was. Of course, we did not say anything directly to FIL, as we did not want to make him uncomfortable during his stay, except when he told us about the visit for the first time (DH told him he would have liked to be told in advance and agree on the hours, not after he had booked the flights) and just before he left (DH told him that we loved having him with us but that maybe next time he could get different flights).

Should DH talk to him more directly? Am I right in being furious or am I being unreasonable? My DH does not want to make his dad angry or confront him more than he did but I am VERY angry with his behaviour and feel that DH does not defend me/us enough in doing so.

FIL was grateful that we hosted him and stripped the sheets of his bed before leaving, which I appreciate, but I still do not think that is enough to forget everything else! I understand it was a work trip so he could not choose the dates but he could have chosen different flights and behave differently while staying with us.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion on this.

Seriously I would have given him your room for the night
So he could have used the shower
Job done

Thank god for this message. I thought I’d wondered into a parallel universe!!

She’s said English isn’t her first language and explained the repeated use of furious. Do you have comprehension issues?

Do you have issues in not being aggressive and rude. She did explain, but then proceeded to say she was very angry, her English is excellent.

whatever is going on with you, attacking strangers on line ain’t going to fix it.

I mean yeah he's a terrible house guest and your DH needs to make sure such a visit doesn't happen again (in that way) but it's not worth still being angry about or expecting DH to raise it again. Let it go.

OP, this thread has attracted some weird comments. The majority of people on MN are usually frothing with indignation if their MIL drops by for a cup of tea without giving six weeks notice and being in receipt of a written invitation!

I live in a different country from my family and I wouldn’t have done things the way your FIL did regarding the flights - we pay more and book flights that are convenient to the family we are staying with and check that before paying for the flights. I would never arrive at someone’s house and be yabbering on the phone at 2am, that’s just rude as fuck, family or not. I also wouldn’t go into the room where people were sleeping to use their shower. I wouldn’t go into their room at any time without asking if it was ok to use the shower, or if it was in the morning, sorting out a time the night before so I didn’t disturb them getting ready for work etc.

If you stay with people during the working week, you fit in with their routine or you book yourself into a hotel. Your FIL was rude and it’s normal to be irritated about this.

Wow you need to calm down.

Are you planning to have children OP @TakeFive1959

If yes, you will be woken up / disrupted / have plans changed a hell of a lot more than being woken up 30 mins earlier.

Out of interest what is your “very demanding job”?

To me it sounds as if you're more cross with your bloke for not stepping up and dealing with his dad, but are directing it to your FIL.

Tell your husband if he doesn't sort it then you will and you don't give a toss whether it pisses him off or not

You passively aggressively accuse someone of having anger management issues, when they’re explained their overuse of the word furious, and then you make another passive aggressive comment to me for calling you out on it and accuse me of attacking you. The only person with any issues here is you.

I was going to ask if English wasn't your first language as furious feels dramatic. But I see it's not so maybe it's a bit of a translation thing.

He's been selfish but often people don't mean it to be malicious they just don't think.

I wonder how many late nights, early starts, short notice, disruptions and inconveniences he dealt with from his son over the years. If he dealt with his son with patience I'd expect the same in return and YABU. If he is wasn't much of a father and is a difficult man in general then YANBU

It honestly astounds me how many people over here seem to be okay with someone (family or not) booking flights to stay at their home on the date and time they wish, without agreeing on it first or giving them a phone call before booking them, or just entering their bedroom while they are asleep next to their spouse at 6 AM. Of course, this is the internet They wouldn't be and there are 1000's of threads on MN of people being losses off with their in-laws over much more trivial things that go a completely different way with the comments generally in agreement with the OP. I don't know why you've had such a pile on. It's not normal to assume you can stay with someone and book flights without even checking that it's convenient. Just that on its own without a everything else isn't a normal thing to do.

No way are you over reacting. I would never book a midnight flight if I was staying in someone's house. As that is very late to arrive at someone's house, especially on a work day. And as you said the late flight was delayed. And to book a 6am flight when you need to be at the airport two hours before when there is a later flight. It is very rude, selfish and entitled of your FIL. YANBU.

His son isn't single. It's rude to assume you can stay with someone and book stupidly late flights
without so much as asking if it's ok, especially when there are other more convenient flights available. It's rude to talk loudly on a phone at 2am. It's rude to go into the bedroom the son shares with his wife to use the bathroom while they're still in bed. Just because you've brought a child up doesn't mean you can behave however the hell you like in their house when they're an adult, especially if they share that house with someone else.

Nothing that you've written would bother me in the slightest op.
It's not unknown for my family to just land on my doorstep with little or even no notice, at all hours of day and night from my home country and bed in for a few days.
They're always welcome.
I think you're being mean and over dramatic.

Wouldn’t remotely bother me.

Wouldn’t remotely bother me Good for you. There are many people who that would bother, the OP being one of them.

Yes, it does bother the op but, in my opinion (which is frequently ignored :-), no hard feelings), it bothers her far too much!

Thank you SO MUCH for this. I was beginning to think I was weird... and yes, maybe furious is a bit much but I am unable to caliber emotion intensity as well in English haha. Upset or angry, though? Absolutely, yes.

@HelpMeUnpickThis if I have children, then that is my choice and I will be more than pleased to be bothered at any time by them! I have however not chosen for my FIL to arrive at 2 AM in the morning nor to leave at 6AM (he gave us literally no choice), that is the point.

Lissadell · 13/06/2023 09:17
Do you normally blow everything so much out of proportion? Not just the fury, but the big deal about putting water and extra blankets in the spare room and ‘preparing him an aperitif”

Quite. That’s what you do when you have guests. Or do you just tell them to sort themselves out?

Sometimes I wonder if people secretly prefer to sit and become furious about things like this just so they can post about it later on mumsnet instead of just doing what anybody sensible would and just ask him to keep it down, or in the case of the bathroom thing- when he entered your room, just say, pardon me, I'm sleeping, please wait til I leave.
Just talk!

If it was a work trip he could have stayed in a hotel!

He probably claimed for a hotel and made a bit of money at OP’s expense.

Well that’s a pretty wild and baseless assumption.

Selfish bugger. Tell him to stay in a hotel next time.