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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that my friend is asking me to pay her money?

774 replies

Sundaycoffee · 12/06/2023 20:15

I was given a very nice perk through work for myself and a plus one for an all expenses paid trip, it included hotel, all food and drink and entertainment for the value of £400 per person and I chose to take a particualr friend. My friend kindly drove us there and back (Bristol to London). She text me today asking me to transfer her half of the petrol money for the trip (£20)
AIBU to think if someone had done the same for me I would let the petrol money slide?

OP posts:
G5000 · 16/06/2023 14:42

I hope you paid for half of that. She wouldn't have bought it if you hadn't dragged her against her will on this break.

I believe this poster is sarcastic. Right? I mean, right? With all the people on this thread who insist the CF was doing OP a favour by coming along and letting OP spend her 400 quid treat on the CF, I'm starting to doubt..
Yes OP, did you also pay for CFs souvenirs and maybe wear and tear on her shoes as well? Maybe she even bought a new outfit for the occasion?

WomblingTree86 · 16/06/2023 16:07

MyTruthIsOut · 16/06/2023 14:16

I agree with other posters who made the point of:

If they were travelling via train would the OP expect her friend to pay for her train ticket as well as her own?

If the event had come at a personal, monetary cost to the OP then yes, the friend should have paid the petrol costs.

But the OP didn’t have to pay out for anything yet her friend is £40 down.

If I was the OP, I would never expect a friend of mine to pay for all the petrol costs just because I’d invited her along to a free weekend trip that I’d been gifted.

I haven’t seen OP say anything that implied she’d worked extra hard, or completed a special task at work or that she’d gone the extra mile which meant she’d been rewarded with the trip, which is what some posters seem to be implying. All OP said is that the trip was a “perk of the job”.

And even if OP’s trip had been a reward for her hard work, I still think it’s really wrong to not pay for her own half of the travel costs and expect her friend to pay for it all.

It’s intriguing how split the responses are as usually most AIBU opinions tend to heavily sway one way or the other.

I suppose it just demonstrates that we all have different views on what friendship is depending on whether we are on the OP’s side or the friend’s side.

I think it demonstrates that we have different ideas on what being a CF is rather than different views on friendship.

DoubleTime · 16/06/2023 21:16

I don't get the replies from people who can't see the OP's point of view.

The friend clearly thought she had done OP a favour by going along and driving them there. Anyone else I know would have done the driving and paid the petrol as a thank you.

It doesn't really matter if there were no financial implications or extra work hours implications in gaining the weekend away - OP could have given this to someone else, but offered it to this friend out of other friends or relatives or going herself. And therein lies the value, a value which the friend on the receiving end has clearly overlooked.

Casilero · 16/06/2023 21:31

@DoubleTime I agree with you. And, as some other posters have pointed out OP may well get taxed on this benefit anyway, depending on what's in place with HMRC which would leave an even more bitter taste..

I do find it heartening though that at least the ungracious are in the clear minority. I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with such rude, penny pinching freeloaders. And fortunately, I'm not!

ChrisPPancake · 16/06/2023 21:38

DoubleTime · 16/06/2023 21:16

I don't get the replies from people who can't see the OP's point of view.

The friend clearly thought she had done OP a favour by going along and driving them there. Anyone else I know would have done the driving and paid the petrol as a thank you.

It doesn't really matter if there were no financial implications or extra work hours implications in gaining the weekend away - OP could have given this to someone else, but offered it to this friend out of other friends or relatives or going herself. And therein lies the value, a value which the friend on the receiving end has clearly overlooked.

And I don't get not splitting travel costs when it's the only cost involved 🤷 But the world's full of different people isn't it @DoubleTime ?

If someone drives me anywhere I always offer to at least split it, regardless of being the one who did the inviting.

Ferferksake · 16/06/2023 23:49

ChrisPPancake · 16/06/2023 21:38

And I don't get not splitting travel costs when it's the only cost involved 🤷 But the world's full of different people isn't it @DoubleTime ?

If someone drives me anywhere I always offer to at least split it, regardless of being the one who did the inviting.

Show quote history

Okay try this analogy.

Say the OP had won a free 50", top of the range, all singing & dancing TV in a free raffle. It's cost her no hard cash, just the time and effort of filling in the free entry forms. OP didn't need another TV and thought carefully which friend to give it to. Lucky for you, she chose you!

The downside is that you have to drive for a couple of hours to pick it up as it's at the head office and the OP has to go, as she has to sign for it in person. So you and OP discuss what car you will take, hers is too small for the TV so you agree to go in yours.

Now do you ask her for half the petrol money?

Casilero · 17/06/2023 00:06

@Ferferksake

I like that analogy.

Unfortunately, though there are a number of people who think their mere presence on the lovely free weekend, accompaying the giver of the gift was payment enough. So maybe to add to your scenario, the giver of the TV also gets to watch the TV?

I do find it interesting, how the people defending the mean minded friend seem to assume the OP didn't have many alternative friends to offer this gift to. Could it possibly be that people who are ungenerous, ill mannered and entitled have less friends?

It's a puzzler 🤣🤣🤣

captainmarvella · 17/06/2023 03:38

Ferferksake · 16/06/2023 23:49

Okay try this analogy.

Say the OP had won a free 50", top of the range, all singing & dancing TV in a free raffle. It's cost her no hard cash, just the time and effort of filling in the free entry forms. OP didn't need another TV and thought carefully which friend to give it to. Lucky for you, she chose you!

The downside is that you have to drive for a couple of hours to pick it up as it's at the head office and the OP has to go, as she has to sign for it in person. So you and OP discuss what car you will take, hers is too small for the TV so you agree to go in yours.

Now do you ask her for half the petrol money?

Show quote history

I just can't WAIT for the CFers in this thread argue how the extra friend is saving OP space and electricity costs (of an extra TV), and thus yeah OP should pay the petrol costs of the friend who is so kindly taking the extra burden off OP's hands!!!!

Boomshock · 17/06/2023 05:48

MyTruthIsOut · 16/06/2023 14:16

I agree with other posters who made the point of:

If they were travelling via train would the OP expect her friend to pay for her train ticket as well as her own?

If the event had come at a personal, monetary cost to the OP then yes, the friend should have paid the petrol costs.

But the OP didn’t have to pay out for anything yet her friend is £40 down.

If I was the OP, I would never expect a friend of mine to pay for all the petrol costs just because I’d invited her along to a free weekend trip that I’d been gifted.

I haven’t seen OP say anything that implied she’d worked extra hard, or completed a special task at work or that she’d gone the extra mile which meant she’d been rewarded with the trip, which is what some posters seem to be implying. All OP said is that the trip was a “perk of the job”.

And even if OP’s trip had been a reward for her hard work, I still think it’s really wrong to not pay for her own half of the travel costs and expect her friend to pay for it all.

It’s intriguing how split the responses are as usually most AIBU opinions tend to heavily sway one way or the other.

I suppose it just demonstrates that we all have different views on what friendship is depending on whether we are on the OP’s side or the friend’s side.

She said

could you not also look at it as why have I had to work hard at a company for many years to get said perk which she hasn't?

MargotBamborough · 17/06/2023 06:23

MyTruthIsOut · 16/06/2023 14:16

I agree with other posters who made the point of:

If they were travelling via train would the OP expect her friend to pay for her train ticket as well as her own?

If the event had come at a personal, monetary cost to the OP then yes, the friend should have paid the petrol costs.

But the OP didn’t have to pay out for anything yet her friend is £40 down.

If I was the OP, I would never expect a friend of mine to pay for all the petrol costs just because I’d invited her along to a free weekend trip that I’d been gifted.

I haven’t seen OP say anything that implied she’d worked extra hard, or completed a special task at work or that she’d gone the extra mile which meant she’d been rewarded with the trip, which is what some posters seem to be implying. All OP said is that the trip was a “perk of the job”.

And even if OP’s trip had been a reward for her hard work, I still think it’s really wrong to not pay for her own half of the travel costs and expect her friend to pay for it all.

It’s intriguing how split the responses are as usually most AIBU opinions tend to heavily sway one way or the other.

I suppose it just demonstrates that we all have different views on what friendship is depending on whether we are on the OP’s side or the friend’s side.

The OP's friend is "£40 down" because she accepted the OP's invitation to go on an otherwise completely free weekend away. If she couldn't afford the petrol she should have (a) declined the invitation, (b) said, "Oh I would really love to but money is super tight at the moment and I know the weekend itself is free but I don't think I can even afford the travel costs at the moment" and then the OP could have offered to cover or split the travel costs or invited another friend instead, or (c) not bought overpriced merch at the event so she could afford the petrol.

DoubleTime · 17/06/2023 07:19

Thanks for the mention ChrisPPancake.

So you are saying its fair that the friend unexpectedly asked for petrol money after offering or agreeing to drive them there and back, and after not mentioning any contribution beforehand or at the time of the lift.

So, does that mean you will also see it as fair if OP was to unexpectedly ask that friend for 50% of any tax and NI liability she will incur later?

When the friend was offered the weekend away the OP clearly didn't also offer to pay the friend's travel costs, so the friend accepted knowing that she would need to pay her travel to the hotel and back.

The drive to the hotel would have cost the friend the same in petrol whether OP was in the car or not. The friend isn't '£40 down', those were her travel costs to get to an all expenses paid weekend away.

She gives OP a spare seat on her own journey, and then asks for money later.

Why do you reckon that the friend didn't ask for a petrol contribution in person at any point over their weekend away, but saved this for a text later ?

captainmarvella · 17/06/2023 07:32

DoubleTime · 17/06/2023 07:19

Thanks for the mention ChrisPPancake.

So you are saying its fair that the friend unexpectedly asked for petrol money after offering or agreeing to drive them there and back, and after not mentioning any contribution beforehand or at the time of the lift.

So, does that mean you will also see it as fair if OP was to unexpectedly ask that friend for 50% of any tax and NI liability she will incur later?

When the friend was offered the weekend away the OP clearly didn't also offer to pay the friend's travel costs, so the friend accepted knowing that she would need to pay her travel to the hotel and back.

The drive to the hotel would have cost the friend the same in petrol whether OP was in the car or not. The friend isn't '£40 down', those were her travel costs to get to an all expenses paid weekend away.

She gives OP a spare seat on her own journey, and then asks for money later.

Why do you reckon that the friend didn't ask for a petrol contribution in person at any point over their weekend away, but saved this for a text later ?

Brilliant post.

Why do you reckon that the friend didn't ask for a petrol contribution in person at any point over their weekend away, but saved this for a text later ?

Because Friend is a cheapskate and also jealous of the OP (channeling my inner Miss Marple here - "human nature being what it is"). Anybody who presents a bill like this at the end of a weekend to the person who gifted them an all expenses paid weekend, without a prior discussion about it, is a passive aggressive moron with no class or farsight, who probably resents the OP for having a job that gives her perks like that.

OP should step back from this friendship, tbh.

Kiwano · 17/06/2023 07:39

But the OP didn’t have to pay out for anything yet her friend is £40 down.

I'm £10 down on the gift DH gave me because I had to pay out for batteries. Should I demand part payment from him?

Darker · 17/06/2023 07:55

The guest would have had to get to London somehow, to enjoy the freebie.

They could have taken a train or coach or driven, which would have cost x, y or z.

Giving the host friend a lift saved the host some money but it didn’t cost the guest any extra - or only marginally more.

Amtheyest17 · 17/06/2023 07:56

Kiwano · 17/06/2023 07:39

But the OP didn’t have to pay out for anything yet her friend is £40 down.

I'm £10 down on the gift DH gave me because I had to pay out for batteries. Should I demand part payment from him?

A gift from DH that needs batteries? I wouldn’t ask for half but I would make him buy them 😂

Amtheyest17 · 17/06/2023 08:05

Ferferksake · 16/06/2023 23:49

Okay try this analogy.

Say the OP had won a free 50", top of the range, all singing & dancing TV in a free raffle. It's cost her no hard cash, just the time and effort of filling in the free entry forms. OP didn't need another TV and thought carefully which friend to give it to. Lucky for you, she chose you!

The downside is that you have to drive for a couple of hours to pick it up as it's at the head office and the OP has to go, as she has to sign for it in person. So you and OP discuss what car you will take, hers is too small for the TV so you agree to go in yours.

Now do you ask her for half the petrol money?

Show quote history

I’m very much on the, I wouldn’t have asked as the friend but as the OP I would’ve offered.

Your scenario is completely different and not comparable, no it wouldn’t be right for the friend to have asked for petrol money but OP wouldn’t be benefiting from the extra tv in any way it’s completely in the friends best interests to drive. Also assuming OP didn’t need it, she may never have collected it therefore not incurring any costs to collect it.

In this scenario had OPs friend not gone it would’ve cost her £40 whereas she’s put the entire cost on her friend as an expected ‘thank you’. Had her friend wanted to do that, that’s lovely and most people would but I don’t think it should be an expectation.

ChrisPPancake · 17/06/2023 08:43

No. I'm saying that as the op my friend would never have had to ask for the money because I'd have offered/given it to her. I was always taught "last out of the taxi and first to the bar." Maybe friend didn't mention it during the weekend as they were hoping op would offer?

In the prize analogy obvs I wouldn't pay if the person I was donating to drove alone to collect, neither would I ask them for money if I drove (though I'd hope they'd offer). I'd still offe them money towards if the journey was far enough the petrol tank needed filling, yes.

Like I said, different strokes for different folks.

Chachachachachachacha · 17/06/2023 09:06

To look at it another way, if you’re going to put a monetary value on each contribution then arguably the op’s friend has saved her about £500 being chauffeured door to door from Bristol to London and back in an Uber!

DoubleTime · 17/06/2023 09:09

ChrisPPancake · 17/06/2023 08:43

No. I'm saying that as the op my friend would never have had to ask for the money because I'd have offered/given it to her. I was always taught "last out of the taxi and first to the bar." Maybe friend didn't mention it during the weekend as they were hoping op would offer?

In the prize analogy obvs I wouldn't pay if the person I was donating to drove alone to collect, neither would I ask them for money if I drove (though I'd hope they'd offer). I'd still offe them money towards if the journey was far enough the petrol tank needed filling, yes.

Like I said, different strokes for different folks.

From what you are saying then - if you were the friend you would be offering to pay 50% on any tax and NI liability that the OP will incur.

Well the friend hasn't, she has asked for £20 instead. And she didn't ask in person, or even telephone to say 'thank you for a lovely weekend' and then bring up petrol costs more nicely. She sent a text asking for payment.

burnoutbabe · 17/06/2023 09:21

The tv example is different as then the tv has a clear resale value and you'd be considered whether it's worth more than the petrol cost to collect

So tv -yes I'd drive to pick that up.

Say a £10 Costa voucher -I'd not drive 3 hours to collect but would collect if a local pick up.

If the op really does get taxed 40% on this, then no one would ever accept this "perk" instead of actual cash (still taxed) that you can spend as you wish.
They are either misreporting the tax or it's at nil cost to the employer as they are a hotel chain or do London trips as packages.

ChrisPPancake · 17/06/2023 09:21

I didn't say the friend was in the right for how she went about it.

DoubleTime · 17/06/2023 09:22

ChrisPPancake · 17/06/2023 09:21

I didn't say the friend was in the right for how she went about it.

And the tax /NI costs ?

ChrisPPancake · 17/06/2023 09:29

No. I wouldn't cover those. Is that a problem?

burnoutbabe · 17/06/2023 09:48

We don't know that the friend didn't say thanks during the event and at the end

And then sent a breezy text later when she realised she'd paid all the petrol and nothing had happened to balance it up (say the op paying petrol if needed on way back or lunch at a service station)

MrsJHarker · 17/06/2023 09:53

I wouldn't have embarrassed myself asking for the £20. The OP might have had many friends she could have took.

I can't believe some people would take the invite and then get upset that they paid for fuel when they offered to drive.