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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that my friend is asking me to pay her money?

774 replies

Sundaycoffee · 12/06/2023 20:15

I was given a very nice perk through work for myself and a plus one for an all expenses paid trip, it included hotel, all food and drink and entertainment for the value of £400 per person and I chose to take a particualr friend. My friend kindly drove us there and back (Bristol to London). She text me today asking me to transfer her half of the petrol money for the trip (£20)
AIBU to think if someone had done the same for me I would let the petrol money slide?

OP posts:
Phoebo · 14/06/2023 21:56

Tigermearns · 14/06/2023 20:27

If she was such a good friend, as soon as her car was suggested as the vehicle of choice because you've already stated her car was better suited for the motorway than yours, I'd have offered to half the petrol costs. Then this all inclusive trip would've cost both of you £20 each.
I don't think she's being tight or cheeky. It isn't gifting a free trip to her if you're lumbering her with the travel costs after YOU invited her...
Cannot believe everyone who thinks she'd owe you £400 when you didn't have to put your hand in your pocket for anything and had someone else drive you there...

I do also agree with this. Although if it were me I would've got OP a gift as a thank you, so for that reason I think the friend should just pay for the petrol (who knows if OP had taken her car maybe the friend would have paid for the petrol!) I think though because the petrol cost was so low it also seems quite petty.

Chachachachachachacha · 14/06/2023 22:44

I think it’s a bit tight of the friend to ask as she got a free trip and the petrol costs/ballache of driving is a fair exchange but if it wasn’t sorted out beforehand maybe their impression was that they would drive for their part and you’d split the petrol. If I was the op I’d just pay it. £20 to be taken from Bristol to London and back is still cheap! I’d probably choose a different friend to take if any future trips come up though.

YerArseInParsley · 14/06/2023 23:23

Yeah u took her on a free trip but u should have offered petrol money at the time. You would also think she would let that petrol money go so I'm embarrassed for both of u.

As for people saying bill her for her half of the trip she enjoyed, u can't it was free.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 15/06/2023 00:07

if you're lumbering her with the travel costs after YOU invited her...

could have said no if she couldn’t afford it.

but then she’d have had to have bought her own food over the weekend which I’m pretty sure would have been more than £20 if you matched what she had at the hotel, it’s not going to be richmond sausages and Iceland pizza, is it 🤣

MsRosley · 15/06/2023 00:18

Bookworm20 · 14/06/2023 16:18

Some of these replies! 😮

I can't believe there are sooooo many CF's out there!

Its a bit like I keep hearing, "well if I have to go on this £400 break with you, then I suppose I will, but as a favour you understand because you got it for free. So you'll need to pay my transport there and back. I'm not going to put myself out you realise, for the opportunity to enjoy an all exepnses paid trip. because you got it for free, so why should I pay anything at all? Even though I'm enjoying an all expenses paid trip for free which was yours. But its a favour on my part afterall, you'd of had no one to go with. And you got it free. And I'm doing the driving, so why should I be out of pocket. This amazing all expenses paid trip, but it didn't cost you anything, so i'm not going to spend even a £20 on you as a thankyou or to get us there because i'm doing you a favour for going on it.and you got it for free. you got it for free, you didn't pay for it or EARN it, you got it for free. so you owe me 20 quid."

Op, most normal people would be very grateful, would offer to drive and not even enter their head as a thought of asking you for petrol contribution. And would also be taking you out for a meal or buying you a small gift as a thankyou for taking them on what I can only imagine was a fabulous weekend.

I think i'd just reply to her 'Sorry, I must of misunderstood when you said you'd drive/agreed to drive. It was a fab weekend! So glad you were able to come and benefit from that whole experience with me. I'll sort that 20 quid out then and transfer it across.

And then never ask her to join you on any future perks you may get.

This!!!

Honestly this thread has such a mind blowing insight into CF psychology. It's like catnip for CFers, all indignant that their cheap, ungenerous, mean-spirited pettiness is being derided by other people.

BeaLola · 15/06/2023 01:01

If you hadn't have wanted to take a plus one could you have had 2 separate stays each to the value of £400 ?

captainmarvella · 15/06/2023 04:46

MsRosley · 15/06/2023 00:18

This!!!

Honestly this thread has such a mind blowing insight into CF psychology. It's like catnip for CFers, all indignant that their cheap, ungenerous, mean-spirited pettiness is being derided by other people.

Show quote history

Right? Kinda bummed me out, this thread, to see that there are so mean spirited people out there.

Instead of focusing on the good fortune (or the good friendship) that got you a great all expenses paid weekend where you get to see your favourite artist and also spend money on buying some fav merch, apparently it is now okay to only focus on how your friend - the friend who kindly invited you to share her work bonus and enabled you to take a break off your (skint?) routine - didn't spent a penny as it was a work perk the lucky b!tch why should I spend 40 quid out of my pocket when she got it all "free" huh feck that she must pay it's important she pays, i hate to see that she gets it all free I won't discuss about this before hand but will sucker punch her at the end of the trip with a bill

I hope the ones who replied here that OP got it all free so should pay her friend, never ever get to enjoy any generous gift from their friends. With that attitude, I doubt they have any friends at all, though, who want to take them on a break!

Fairhsa · 15/06/2023 06:37

Actually I have a different view. You didn't pay for her trip, your work did. You are not out of pocket. But your friend actually DID pay for the petrol. She is out of pocket. If you didn't explicitly say "your share is the petrol" I don't think shes an asshole for asking. 20 quid is a lot to some people. It's not being "tight" if you don't have the money. (Ignore if shes loaded!)

Ifeelsuchafool · 15/06/2023 06:59

I'm surprised that the friend asked tbf, but also surprised OP didn't offer. I'd find it difficult drop £40 on a treat at the drop of a hat and perhaps she's the same? Also, Bristol to London and back for free ? Being able to relax and be driven? Wear and tear on someone else's car as well as cost of fuel? I think you both sound a bit petty tbh.

SamW98 · 15/06/2023 07:31

MsRosley · 15/06/2023 00:18

This!!!

Honestly this thread has such a mind blowing insight into CF psychology. It's like catnip for CFers, all indignant that their cheap, ungenerous, mean-spirited pettiness is being derided by other people.

Show quote history

Isn’t it just? And the ones saying the OP is petty, mean spirited etc - how dare are share her good fortune with someone she thought would appreciate it eh.

Honestly, paying for a tank of petrol is the absolute minimum the friend should do under the circumstances. Any right minded person would be so grateful for this experience that they’re getting for a fraction of what it would have cost. I would also have given the OP a gift and offered a contribution in way of buying drinks maybe. And the friend purchased merchandise- personally I’d have offered to buy something for the OP as well.

If the friend needed the petrol money that badly, she should have told the OP as soon as her driving license as agreed. To accept all this hospitality then want reimbursing is mind blowingly crass.

At least the OP knows her true CF colours and to invite someone with better manners and who understands gratitude next time.

DoodleDig · 15/06/2023 08:46

Preps · 12/06/2023 20:24

TBH if the trip was all expenses paid so hasn't cost you anything, I'd have probably offered petrol money in your shoes. I definitely wouldn't have asked for it in her shoes though.

OOI how did she come to be doing the driving?

I have to agree with this.
The trip was all expenses paid. So you paid £0 and she paid £40 for the petrol AND she did the driving.

MrsJHarker · 15/06/2023 09:07

The opinions are really split.

I'm still thinking that the OP could have took anyone so if I was the friend I would be flattered that I was chosen (not forced to go) so would want to give something in return.

WomblingTree86 · 15/06/2023 09:08

DoodleDig · 15/06/2023 08:46

I have to agree with this.
The trip was all expenses paid. So you paid £0 and she paid £40 for the petrol AND she did the driving.

Show quote history

OP paid by giving her friend half an expensive trip. It was given to her by her employer which means she earned it but even if she had won it or gifted it by some other means, it still had value and was hers.

Alwaytired44 · 15/06/2023 09:09

It was £400 per person! So £800 in total! 🤯

MrsJHarker · 15/06/2023 09:12

The embarrassment that some people would take a free £400 trip that their friend had and then ask for £20 fuel because they didn't think the person who gave them the trip had got their trip free too.

Kiwano · 15/06/2023 09:14

Fairhsa · 15/06/2023 06:37

Actually I have a different view. You didn't pay for her trip, your work did. You are not out of pocket. But your friend actually DID pay for the petrol. She is out of pocket. If you didn't explicitly say "your share is the petrol" I don't think shes an asshole for asking. 20 quid is a lot to some people. It's not being "tight" if you don't have the money. (Ignore if shes loaded!)

OP earned the trip through her hard work. If her employer didn't offer perks like this, she would be paid more., whether by this employer or another So yes, she is out of pocket.

Suppose they hadn't travelled together and simply met at the airport, do you think friend would be entitled to claim back her petrol costs?

MrsJHarker · 15/06/2023 09:14

That didn't even make sense what I typed. I meant:

The embarrassment that some people would take a free £400 trip that their friend had to offer and then ask for £20 fuel because they knew the person who gave them the trip had got their trip free too.

WomblingTree86 · 15/06/2023 09:18

intheatticwiththematches · 14/06/2023 12:40

I’m surprised you drove 3 hours? from Bristol to London which could have been stressful if either/neither of you were used to busy motorways/central London traffic
when
the train from Bristol Temple Meads to Paddington for both of you booking online would be about £110, RETURN ie £55. each, arrive unruffled in 1.5 hours as opposed to a lengthy road trip with possible holdups.

£20.00 petrol money which does not cover wear and tear and being driven is a modest amount of money for a 6/7 at least hour round trip. Perhaps your friend feels taken advantage of?

Your question was regarding £20 fuel contribution, that’s all, the other extraneous stuff is irrelevant to this question, creating a Strawman argument.

Paying £20 willingly, graciously, would have been the right thing to do, shame you had to be asked.
Offering and expecting to pay your share, (extra weight, more fuel used) would have been more elegant.

OP would have driven if her friend hadn't though.

followmyflow · 15/06/2023 10:01

its interesting to see how the conversation is still going and opinions are still split! i think it just comes down to different attitudes and thinking. if i gifted a friend with a free weekend away with me, i wouldnt be thinking of it as myself as a benevolent generous goddess and expecting my friend to be groveling. i would see it as a shared experience i want to give to a friend who presumably i enjoy being with, and splitting the minor costs incurred wouldnt be an issue for me. also i might privately infer if she asks for £20 petrol money for the drive that maybe an impromptu £40 doesn't fit into her budget. for example i dont think a friend who cant afford an additional £40 payment should miss out on a trip i wanted to give her.

MrsJHarker · 15/06/2023 10:36

@followmyflow I get that and I would have offered half the fuel money. I'm just looking at it from the friends side and I wouldn't have asked for the money.

My friend is picking me up at the weekend and even though we aren't going far I will buy her a drink when we get to the restaurant.

followmyflow · 15/06/2023 10:45

yes, i agree its a bit awkward to ask for the money after the fact. maybe it should have been hashed out clearly when making the plans in the first place

WomblingTree86 · 15/06/2023 10:50

followmyflow · 15/06/2023 10:01

its interesting to see how the conversation is still going and opinions are still split! i think it just comes down to different attitudes and thinking. if i gifted a friend with a free weekend away with me, i wouldnt be thinking of it as myself as a benevolent generous goddess and expecting my friend to be groveling. i would see it as a shared experience i want to give to a friend who presumably i enjoy being with, and splitting the minor costs incurred wouldnt be an issue for me. also i might privately infer if she asks for £20 petrol money for the drive that maybe an impromptu £40 doesn't fit into her budget. for example i dont think a friend who cant afford an additional £40 payment should miss out on a trip i wanted to give her.

The question isn’t whether OP should have offered though. It is whether the friend should have asked, particularly as she didn’t offer a thank you gift and it was after the event. It's just so ungracious. If someone gives you something or does your big favour don't you give them a thank you present? And if she didn't want the offer/favour she should have said so and I'm sure OP would have offered it to someone who would be more appreciative.

followmyflow · 15/06/2023 11:04

reading comprehension please. i didnt say op should have offered, i said that in the same situation id be fine with splitting the minor leftover costs, regardless of who offered or asked.

WomblingTree86 · 15/06/2023 11:53

followmyflow · 15/06/2023 11:04

reading comprehension please. i didnt say op should have offered, i said that in the same situation id be fine with splitting the minor leftover costs, regardless of who offered or asked.

The fact that OP didn't pay for the weekend with her own cash doesn't mean it was free. Hotels and food and alcohol cost money. OP may not have paid for it with her own cash but somebody did and gave it to OP. She gave something of value to the friend.

Rieble · 15/06/2023 12:35

YANBU. I used to get free theatre tickets as a perk of my previous job and the friends I invited along to join me would always chip in something in return. Such as paying for the taxi ride home or buying me a drink at the bar or giving me a lift home if I hadn’t driven to work that day etc. They wouldn’t have gone to most of the shows if I hadn’t had the free tickets but went along for a cheap night out and to spend time with a friend. Paying their way a little bit with a drink/taxi fare/lift home was a way to say thank you for inviting them.

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