To be put out that my friend is asking me to pay her money?

[Sundaycoffee]

I was given a very nice perk through work for myself and a plus one for an all expenses paid trip, it included hotel, all food and drink and entertainment for the value of £400 per person and I chose to take a particualr friend. My friend kindly drove us there and back (Bristol to London). She text me today asking me to transfer her half of the petrol money for the trip (£20)
AIBU to think if someone had done the same for me I would let the petrol money slide?

She is a cf
noone can argue otherwise

Of course she should’ve covered the fuel. You ‘winning’ this is a red herring- you chose to share something that was given to you with a friend. It ‘belonged’ to you and you shared it. My best friend got a spa day for 2 for her birthday, took me with her and I drove and paid for drinks all day. I didn’t say ‘well you got today free so can you give me half of the fuel money then’.

I think in your position OP I’d either just transfer and say nothing other than “paid”, or say “I will confess I was surprised by your request friend- I’ve just transferred the money though. Have a good week”. Definitely don’t invite her for perks again!

I bet the CF on this thread would have said "well you got today free so can you give me half of the fuel money then". It's been a bit of an eye opener into the weird CF psychology.

If I was the one gifting the free trip I'd offer to go halves on the fuel without being asked as its cost me nothing. Look at it from the other person's pov you had a free trip for 2 people. The only person that's actually made a financial contribution to this trip is your friend

I think the issue is that costs weren’t sorted out before hand. The op assumed that the friend would pay fuel when she obviously assumed that doing the driving was her contribution. Would have just been easier if it had been set out before hand who was paying for what. Maybe the friend wouldn’t have wanted to go if they were paying for all of the fuel and driving there and back and they could have declined the invitation. And the op could have found someone else to go who was happy to drive and pay fuel.

I'd have covered the fuel as a thank you for being picked.
Obviously you aren't on the same page or she's a grabber. Either way I wouldn't ask her again.

Just because OP didn't pay anything, she still had something that was valuable and could have taken anyone. If your friend invited you would you not think she was giving you something?

‘Price of everything and the value of nothing’

Presumably OP took a friend to have a more enjoyable experience. I don't see why the friend should be out of pocket and pay for OPs travelling expenses when OP would have had to get there one way or the other.

I wouldn't have asked for the petrol money back, but I'd have offered to pay half from the outset. I don't give to receive and I'd have been grateful my friend was able to share the experience with me, so wouldn't have minded going halves at all. (I'll take you on this trip friend and because I'm so nice and picked you, you can pick up the full travelling bill).

If I was the friend, I wouldn't ask for petrol money after the event either.

If I do something nice for someone, I don't expect them to bend over backwards in gratitude, or be super grateful I picked them.

It's a really weird situation and one that could have been avoided if you'd both discussed this shit to begin with. I wouldn't even notice petrol money but then I'm in that fortunate position. Not everyone is, so I'm mindful of that too.

^^
You articulated it better than me.

Yeah, nah... Take ME next time, I'd LOVE a weekend out and I'd happily drive you and pay your share of the petrol 20 squids...

YANBU for real for real

Anything else is ridiculous!!!
Don't look into my pocket, thinking whether I paid for something or not... I chose you as a friend to enjoy time together and perk you up with some good times for free, I DID NOT invite you to audit my account.

I guess it depends if the freebie was a genuine freebie or if it was a reward for working my arse off - in which case, it wasn't entirely free for the OP. Either way, if I were the friend who had been asked along I would definitely cover the petrol unless I was seriously broke, in which case I'd have mentioned this when discussing how to get there and back.

I guess it depends if the freebie was a genuine freebie or if it was a reward for working my arse off

It only matters between the business and the OP, it has nothing to do with the friend.
The friend had just received a £400 freebie, for which she has done absolutely nothing. The least she could be is grateful about it!

It would be a different conversation if she had said from the start: I just can't afford the petrol both ways.

No such thing as a 'free lunch' - any all-expenses paid trip will have been earned through hard work and commitment.

why people are focussing on the ££ and not the priceless gesture of sharing it with a friend is beyond me.

i assume she has to share it - its a 2 night trip for 2 and one can't have 2 lots of 2 night trips for 1.

(though you could i assume go on your own, but you still only get 2 nights away)

so its designed that it HAS to be shared or the value in the 2nd half "lost"

I'd reply " haha, good joke, we'll put it in the kitty with the £200 for the trip expenses, lol."

I'd be tempted to write "sorry I didn't realise money was tight - you should have said! I would have driven"

I'd also probably pay the money for the sake of the friendship and studiously go halves on everything in future.

I used to be friends with a girl who was really tight, she came to stay at my flat in london once, I made her a nice meal, bought wine etc. she asked if I wanted any chocolate picking up from the garage when getting petrol and I asked her to get me a flake, when she got back in the car she asked for 49p (it was quite a few yrs ago) for the flake!! I was gobsmacked!

The trip was paid for by your company and was prob a drop in the ocean compared to what they pay shareholders. These 'treats' are in companies interests. See them for what they are.

Your friend drove, petrol is expensive and life's expensive.

I would have offered to pay half rather than leave her to ask.

What am I reading?!? Now OP should chip in for the friend's souvenirs?

FWIW, you should have offered to pay half the petrol and she should have vehemently refused. Send the £20 (still a savings for you had you gone on your own) and consider it payment for information about what this friend is really like.

I genuinely can’t see what’s wrong with the op paying her share of the petrol money shelled out by a friend who’s chauffeured her both ways for a trip which was free for both of them!

It sounds like the friend is expected to pay the op’s share of the transport for the privilege of being picked! If neither of them had cars, and had needed to go by train, would the same apply?

I used to be the person that would not bat an eyelid and send the money with a nice note saying how pleased I was that they came along. But the last couple years as I entered my 40's and had a couple situations where I saw people's true colours, I no longer have the will to put up with this stuff. It's such an indicator of what someone is really like and I don't know why saving a friendship is more important than enabling cf behaviour that will absolutely both impact your feelings about your friend and impact your friendship down the line again at some point because that stuff may lay dormant but the cf's don't only do it once. The resentment alone will make the friendship sizzle.

Any update @Sundaycoffee ?

Did the OP ever confirm whether this friend usually was tight with money or whether this came as a complete surprise to her.

because that information is a touch relevant

I agree with other posters who made the point of:

If they were travelling via train would the OP expect her friend to pay for her train ticket as well as her own?

If the event had come at a personal, monetary cost to the OP then yes, the friend should have paid the petrol costs.

But the OP didn’t have to pay out for anything yet her friend is £40 down.

If I was the OP, I would never expect a friend of mine to pay for all the petrol costs just because I’d invited her along to a free weekend trip that I’d been gifted.

I haven’t seen OP say anything that implied she’d worked extra hard, or completed a special task at work or that she’d gone the extra mile which meant she’d been rewarded with the trip, which is what some posters seem to be implying. All OP said is that the trip was a “perk of the job”.

And even if OP’s trip had been a reward for her hard work, I still think it’s really wrong to not pay for her own half of the travel costs and expect her friend to pay for it all.

It’s intriguing how split the responses are as usually most AIBU opinions tend to heavily sway one way or the other.

I suppose it just demonstrates that we all have different views on what friendship is depending on whether we are on the OP’s side or the friend’s side.

A friend invited me to a spa recently, her treat. Didn't cost her anything, her husband paid. I drove as I am a more confident driver.

It really didn't occur to me for one second that she should invite and treat me AND pay my petrol costs on top. That is CFery of the highest order.