AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

I'm not 'suffering' or 'bitter' - where do I say that? I'm just saying that insomnia is often a long-term (which is what the 'chronic' refers to) condition that people have to live with. OP is within her rights to set her hours as she wishes but she can't expect other people to work the same odd hours or expect them to rearrange their schedules to fit around hers. That was my only point so well done for missing that entirely and jumping down my throat.

I think it's ridiculous to expect you to commute 2 hours to a conference. Nothing to do with your sleep issues, just that it is normal for people to stay on site or nearby if going to a conference. Very strange attitude from your client, especially the part where your client assumed you could stay with your parents.

@MrsSamR I don't expect my friend to rearrange their schedules. I told them to crack on with the morning flight and I would meet them there.

Thank you also to the people who have come up with suggestions for sleep. I have been to the GP and have tried lots of different things and will continue to try but can no longer afford to fork out for solutions.

I'm a fellow night owl, from a family of night owls. Fitting into lark society is the bane of my life, and I've also chosen jobs that suit me. There is so much judgment from larks, as you can see from the responses here and the vote - 23% fellow owls/reasonable larks.

because you are not the only night owl. A lot of us are. We can still function when we have to get up early, pass exams, catch a plane, go to job interview or client presentation, be the first to call an agency to secure a spot etc etc.
We are night owls, not vampire.

Society has to be made of compromises, it would be utter chaos if we were only doing things at a convenient time for us.

Judgement or not, I will only travel and work with other larks. Owls can travel and work with owls.In this particular instance, her friends can go on ahead- fine-but what about on the holiday itself?

Once travelled with an owl and spent the entire holiday waiting for her to wake up. All the sightseeing tours were at 9 am and not midnight- oddly enough! and in hot countries its hard to go out after noon. So I went alone while she lay in bed. Why do I need to do that again? I will just find larks or go alone.

Good point - biphasic sleep only died out with the industrial revolution, first and second sleep existed for thousands of years before. I sometimes do it when I need to travel early - sleep 1, travel to airport, sleep 2 on the plane (providing it's a 2-5 hour flight!)

You're not getting it.

You can function getting up early. OP can't, and she doesn't have to. She doesn't want to make those compromises, and she doesn't have to because YOU think we all need to.
We don't. As long as OP is hurting no-one else or not having unreasonable expectations of others, she can choose to not make those compromises.

So many of you can't seem to grasp that its not actually compulsory to always bend to fit society. We can, if we choose to and have the means, bend some bits of society to fit us, instead.

I understand this is horrible for you and you have had to change your work life to fit around it. But can you not make an exception just occasionally? Ive travelled so many times on early flights, getting up for the airport at 3am (still packing late until the evening before). Felt beyond exhausted but known its just a one off and can relax there (and your with friends and not kids so you really can relax properly). I would make an exception once for your friends but make them aware you will need to relax when you get there and may not be up to doing much straight away.

You can function getting up early. OP can't, and she doesn't have to. She doesn't want to make those compromises, and she doesn't have to because YOU think we all need to.

again, if you end up missing exams, medical appointments etc, then there's something very wrong.
I don't think she needs to, I know that sometimes with life you have to, like it or not. Or you are penalising yourself hugely.

No one has to bend to fit "you".

Ok I see from your update that you miss breakfast while travelling with friends, and then go to the rest if the events. I suppose that's doable. My friend was such an owl she misses lunch as well!

Is she missing exams and medical appts though? Because if she isn't, you're just projecting.

Sometimes in life you may have to, but not nearly to the extent people on here are insisting. Using OP's own example, she does not have to catch an early flight because other people want her to. There's a later flight. She's not missing anything, its THEM that want her on the early flight for their own reasons.
OP can and should say no to that.
You're saying no-one has to bend to fit OP but you're insisting she fold like a cheap suit.

Let's normalise saying no ,that doesn't work for me, a shitload more.

You're saying no-one has to bend to fit OP but you're insisting she fold like a cheap suit.
what posts are you reading? No one said that.

You are missing the point by focusing solely on 2 examples - the business one being irrelevant with the sleep pattern anyway, it would make no difference if the OP was an early riser in that example.

Living your life in the condition that you chose, prefer and fits you better is a luxury absolutely.

Missing out and being completely restricted by what is a ridiculously strict schedule is a punishment and a complete lack of freedom. Life should not just be about "coping" when there are solutions to expand your choices.

Sounds awful.

Again, I say that as someone who works through the night and is absolutely allergic to mornings but is not imprisoned and limited by a sleep pattern.

OP's description of her situation is this- "I have compromised my dream job, I have missed out on many moments and opportunities, I end up paying more e.g. late check out fees, I have little free time as I have to work from 10.30am to 9pm to make up for lost work hours". Doesn't sound that great, tbh.

Better than little to no sleep. She has tried everything, this is her reality, until she finds a magical cure.

I can stay up until the early hours for a few nights in a row, rack up a sleep deficit and then make up for it with an early night of two. OP doesn’t have that option so she has to protect the hours she does sleep.

The only thing I would say YABU about is calling it a preference, when it's clearly so much more than that. It would probably annoy me a bit, but it seems like it's genuinely something you're trying to work at! I don't get up that early on holidays so I don't see why you flying later on the first day would be an issue – but I'd also not describe this as a simple "needing 8 hours sleep" because 10pm-9am is certainly not 8h

She doesn’t actually fall asleep at 10pm, she’s tossing and turning for hours.

Oh sure. I'm just struck by those posters above presenting her position as some sort of ideal, free from social expectations, and something we should all be aspiring to. It doesn't sound ideal at all- it sounds very difficult.

I also have clients. I wonder if saying to them that I can't sleep because of menopausal issues will work. Have tried HRT. Not worked so far for the sleep.

Can I say "no 10 am meets wont work for me because I am menopausal". Or is that not as sympathetic?

You’re a free lancer, you can do what you want!

How much more is the later flight? Could you offer to pay the difference? (guessing that is better than losing the accommodation...)

If you gave the flight time restriction before you all booked, YANBU. If you have dropped it on them last minute then that's not very fair

For the conference, yes, you should have just said your parents already had guests or something, but that ship has sailed
Can you go back and state you understood all expenses covered included a hotel and have based giving up your weekend for free on that basis. Is it central London? What is the difference between train/tube fares and hotel?

I'm not going to have a go at you for being the way you are - you obviously are trying different options and I don't believe you would do this unless you felt it absolutely necessary; as it must be a massive pain!

It is very unusual though - so you have to ensure you are always up front and make it crystal clear to people in advance that your available times for work or socialising are only ever X - X due to a medical issue

What a weird combination of aggression (to the OP) and servility (to SOCIETY!!) some if these posts are.

You’re a free lancer, you can do what you want!

you can also lose clients and contracts. You realise free lancers have high competition, clients, schedules.. Not everybody is flooded by so many demands that they can pick up the handful of contracts they prefer. It doesn't sound like the OP is in such a position anyway.

lack of sleep makes some posters grumpy 😆

Indeed.

Do and stay with your parents? What if you are 50? Your parents live in a small bungalow etc.

All expenses to me would be staying in a reasonable prices hotel near the venue. How can you network afterwards if have 2 hours trip each way?

Unless the client is also your sister /aunt it's very odd behaviour!

You said it in the first line of your message: "I have suffered with chronic insomnia.."

If you are not suffering, then you do NOT get to tell someone who DOES suffer to just 'suck it up'.